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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off with dh and friend

173 replies

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 11:33

Not sure what I'm most pissed off about here.
Have an old uni friend staying this weekend. We got on really well at uni, had lots in common and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and we still keep in contact lots 10 years on. However since uni we've gone in very different directions. We are both homeowners but she is single and very career driven in a competitive field. I chose to go into a less competitive area of my work before becoming a sahm to my now toddler.
Just after breakfast this morning I mention I'm going to have a shower and dh says can I open the window so it's not too steamy up there. I say I'll open it when I'm done like normal. He puts in an argument that I should open it during but I say no cos I don't like the draft when I'm in the shower.
He is a bit sulky about this and makes a shit comment about damaging 'his' house and friend comments in agreement. It irritates me so I make a comment but try to keep it joky about being told how to shower in my own home and would she allow that? She says no, but her place is just hers and she'd never agree to a shared mortgage so always will be. I (stupidly) didn't leave it there and said ' so if someone moved in with you it'd be ok to tell them how to shower even tho it's their home too?'. She then told me no she wouldn't but then he'd be contributing to the house and I'm not!
They are now annoyed that I've suggested that in that case me and my ' contribution' go out (after my shower with the window shut) and have a good day while they enjoy the lack of steam and draft of open windows in the house.
Aibu for a) being pissed off at him trying to tell me how to shower, and b)being told I don't contribute to the household?

OP posts:

Onegreatday · 12/03/2017 07:12

Honeyroar - if you read the op, the friend gets involved by agreeing with the dh about it being "his house". Op didn't drag friend into it, she brought herself into it.

PoppyFleur · 12/03/2017 07:54

OP glad things are resolved however in your shoes I would seriously revisit your status as SAHP. You are enabling your DH to work, climb the career ladder, earn more money and build an independent pension fund. You on the other hand are not earning but contributing a huge amount to the family but not building up an independent pension fund. This leaves you vulnerable.

I would be incredibly angry at the flippant comment, somewhere in the recesses of his mind he must surely be thinking this - otherwise how could he say it?

Do you want to return to work at some point? You mentioned that with his workaholic tendencies and long hours childcare would be difficult. I would suggest thinking through your long term plans and discussing with DH because at the moment you are taking all the risks and he is reaping the benefits and not valuing your contributions.

picklemepopcorn · 12/03/2017 08:28

That,s a lovely update about MIL! She's a keeper! Hopefully, he will realise now that he completely misunderstood his place in the scheme of things and will shape up. Keep an eye on it, though, and be ready to claim back your independence from him, in case you need to.

HappyFlappy · 12/03/2017 08:29

And ignore the advice to rein in your MIL!

Cherish that woman!

She is speaking to her son in the language he understands and is fighting your corner - she's a star!

If she does seem be becoming over-invested, I'm sure you will be able to gently head her off, but I don't think she is. She has made clear to your lawfully wedded idiot what he would be throwing away if he was tempted by your harpy "friend". That it will hit him emotionally, socially and financially - and any nascent flirtation will be nipped very firmly in the bud.

He's probably flattered that a successful piece of potty is giving him glad eye - we all like to think the old magic is still there - and responded like a man half-wit. There is little chance that it would have gone anywhere other than to massage his ego. And your MIL will have successfully shown him that a very mild fantasy was all he will ever have.

flumpybear · 12/03/2017 08:45

They're being arses!!!
You do contribute and your friend is living a single life so isn't part of a
Family unit - your husband should know better !! Hopefully this spreadsheet from your MIL will make him realise your outgoings are much smaller as you're doing the childcare and home care!!
Tell them their attitude is very 1950's and they should grow the fuck up

Inertia · 12/03/2017 08:55

Your MIL sounds great.

Is your husband totally incapable of coming to sensible conclusions on his own, or does he always just parrot the opionion that someone else has voiced? Agrees with the friend about you not contributing, then changes his mind only when Mil tells him.

spellingtestmess · 12/03/2017 09:03

I want to be just like your MIL! I had 4 under 5 and was a SAHM. My MIL never EVER offered any help, understanding or respect. Only told me that her son was entitled to his hobby because 'he works SO hard'...

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 12/03/2017 09:57

Your MIL sounds lovely. Definitely go off for a day together and leave your H to it, so that he can really appreciate the contribution you make.

And as for not knowing how to answer - what a weak excuse. He started it with the comment about 'his' house and he could have stepped in at any time when your friend was talking about never agreeing to a joint mortgage. Perhaps he'd like a shot at being the SAHP whilst you go out to work?

MrsC45 · 12/03/2017 20:28

Wow that's so rude and disrepectful. Your response was restrained. You need to speak to your husband once she's left and cut her out of your life!

BakeOffBiscuits · 12/03/2017 21:08

Yes he apologised but he didn't do anything until his mummy called him and gave him a telling off. What a complete twat.

What did he say when you told him you were going out with the toddler and what were him and your friend doing while you went out? The way they've BOTH treated you is horrible.

NinonDeLanclos · 12/03/2017 21:12

Gotta love your MIL.

Mamia15 · 12/03/2017 21:27

You need to ask him why he obviously thinks its more important that he appears to agree with the friend than to show how much he values you?

Prioritising his own ego and other people over his marriage is worrying...

DrScholl · 12/03/2017 21:31

i think your MIL is too involved
HOW ODD

DrScholl · 12/03/2017 21:31

and why did oyu go out leaving them together?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2017 21:34

I agree with PoppyFleur. I think you need to sit your husband down and point out the facts to him - that you "are enabling your DH to work, climb the career ladder, earn more money and build an independent pension fund." And you also need to think about the fact that as a SAHM, you are doing none of those things.

Benedikte2 · 12/03/2017 21:43

Get an extractor fan for the bathroom -- much nicer and means the mirror doesn't get fogged up, towels damp.
Glad you have such a supportive mil and are able to discuss issues with DH.
I agree with previous poster re showing off -- why hasn't DH mentioned the window before? Why wait for friend's presence? I'd have been upset, too.

ComeOnSpring · 12/03/2017 21:45

Fairly typical household argument/bickering.. the only difference is your 'friend' felt the need to step in.

I wouldn't see her again or have her stay. She's doesn't support your choices, which is key to any friendship.

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/03/2017 21:45

Yeah. It's the co-conspirating that would get me. You're meant to be a team.

MiddleClassPerm · 12/03/2017 22:00

If it was me I would want DH to admit he was wrong in front of my friend. If he's able to criticise you in front of her then he should be able to apologise in front of her too.

Jux · 12/03/2017 22:07

Co-conspiratong?

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2017 22:24

If it was me I would want DH to admit he was wrong in front of my friend. If he's able to criticise you in front of her then he should be able to apologise in front of her too.

Absolutely this.

Marymoosmum14 · 12/03/2017 22:46

I would be incredibly pissed off and I would say why don't you stay at home and I will go to work.

GabsAlot · 12/03/2017 22:54

ah he didnt know what to say so just agreed with her?

what rot-who agrees about something as serious as that

sometimes i hate men

Falafelfun · 12/03/2017 23:04

I love your mother in law

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2017 23:25

Another vote for MIL of the Year here too!

I think that the spa day should be upgraded to a spa weekend and funded by the "D"H as a joint Mothers day gift for them both :o

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