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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off with dh and friend

173 replies

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 11:33

Not sure what I'm most pissed off about here.
Have an old uni friend staying this weekend. We got on really well at uni, had lots in common and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and we still keep in contact lots 10 years on. However since uni we've gone in very different directions. We are both homeowners but she is single and very career driven in a competitive field. I chose to go into a less competitive area of my work before becoming a sahm to my now toddler.
Just after breakfast this morning I mention I'm going to have a shower and dh says can I open the window so it's not too steamy up there. I say I'll open it when I'm done like normal. He puts in an argument that I should open it during but I say no cos I don't like the draft when I'm in the shower.
He is a bit sulky about this and makes a shit comment about damaging 'his' house and friend comments in agreement. It irritates me so I make a comment but try to keep it joky about being told how to shower in my own home and would she allow that? She says no, but her place is just hers and she'd never agree to a shared mortgage so always will be. I (stupidly) didn't leave it there and said ' so if someone moved in with you it'd be ok to tell them how to shower even tho it's their home too?'. She then told me no she wouldn't but then he'd be contributing to the house and I'm not!
They are now annoyed that I've suggested that in that case me and my ' contribution' go out (after my shower with the window shut) and have a good day while they enjoy the lack of steam and draft of open windows in the house.
Aibu for a) being pissed off at him trying to tell me how to shower, and b)being told I don't contribute to the household?

OP posts:
WeddingsAreStressful · 11/03/2017 12:00

They were both out of order and that friend would never be invited back. HOWEVER don't pick a fight in front of a friend because 1) your H is less likely to back down, 2) you won't be able to say everything you need to say and 3) you're putting that friend in a very awkward position especially when YOU involved HER in the argument by asking her for her opinion (jokey or not).

PetitTorteois · 11/03/2017 12:01

I definitely would never talk to my 'friend' again. She was being massively rude. Also, I think divorce would be on the cards if my DH spoke to me like that. Equally, if I ever spoke to my husband like that I think it would serve as an indicator that we need to re-evaluate our marriage. In short, YANBU.

WeddingsAreStressful · 11/03/2017 12:01

And you do need to address DH's attitude (after friend is gone) because if that is how he feels, you're in a very vulnerable position and you should at least be looking for a part time position for your own protection.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 12:02

Nice friend. Even nicer DH. Twats, the pair of them.

RandomMess · 11/03/2017 12:02

Give him an invoice for a full time nanny & housekeeper... then tell him he'll need to pay half as you're returning to work!

KurriKurri · 11/03/2017 12:11

Is your name on the deeds as joint owner ? If not, I'd want to rectify that situation, because I'd be seeing a red flag that he'd called it 'his' house, even though you have contributed.

If you are on the deeds, then it isn't 'his' house, he's being a stupid fucker trying to impress your friend by putting you down.

I would go out somewhere nice for the day, and I wouldn't be inviting supposed 'friend' to stay again.

MimiSunshine · 11/03/2017 12:12

I'd be saying to the friend "do you have any idea how much childcare costs? It's [insert figure here] and that's just a nursery, we'd probably need a nanny to cover DH work patterns. So please don't tell me that by being a SAHM that I'm not contributing because you have no experience in this and having previously worked in an office I can tell you which one's easier."

Then I'd be ripping into DH and asking why he thought a) it was okay to tell you how to shower and b) he thinks it's just his house? Then I'd be going out for the rest of the weekend and leaving him to it all

GallivantingWildebeest · 11/03/2017 12:15

Bloody hell! How unsupportive of your dh. And your friend is no friend.

So your toddler has nothing to do with dh? He's your to feed, clothe, educate, look after? Hmm Does your friend know how much childcare and housework/cleaners cost?

I'd find it hard to get past such crap comments. I'd go out for the day and have serious words with your h when you get bakc.

caz323 · 11/03/2017 12:17

JingleJess beat me to it word for word.

How horrible to feel like you were ganged up on by your DH and your so-called best mate. What the hell is that all about??

Kick her out and kick him into touch! What a bloody cheek!

Obsidian77 · 11/03/2017 12:21

So rude. I'd be telling the "friend" to pack her bags and would be insisting on a serious chat with DH.

Butterymuffin · 11/03/2017 12:24

You're contributing by doing the childcare. Your husband is a disrespectful nit picker and your friend has no idea of how to be a good house guest or a good friend. I second going out for the day.

wantoscreamatwashingpile · 11/03/2017 12:26

What a shit friend. I'd chuck her out, leave your child with him for the day and have a lovely day out by yourself.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/03/2017 12:26

Jesus Christ. By making that contribution comment she was been a sexist moron, deliberately trying to undermine you and curry favour and solidarity with your H.

However she may have thought you were rubbing it in her face about her being single?

None of this is ok. Has there been any evidence of a dynamic between her and your H before - finding things in common to your detriment?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 11/03/2017 12:28

Deal with them separately. They're both arses but they're different issues.
However, I would not have someone staying who automatically defaults to being on 'D'H's side and ganging up on me.

TheWoodlander · 11/03/2017 12:30

I would be extremely pissed off with this, yanbu.

Really love your line "I've suggested that in that case me and my 'contribution' go out (after my shower with the window shut) and have a good day while they enjoy the lack of steam and draft of open windows in the house."

Bravo from a fellow sahm.

LilacSpatula · 11/03/2017 12:31

I'd fuck off out and leave them to it if I were you!

MatildaTheCat · 11/03/2017 12:35

I would rarely suggest this but I do believe this is the moment to take yourself off on a spa day. Grin

Enjoy the unlimited showers and steam to your hearts content.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 11/03/2017 12:36

you should have taken them both DOWN! Pair of superior fuckers.

Open all the fucking windows, turn off the hot water and bugger off out and have the best day with your wee one. And don't answer the phone to either of the smug twats.

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2017 12:36

I'd tell her to go home before I went out. I wouldn't leave them behind to have a bonding session.

ShowMe the OP says in her first post:

I chose to go into a less competitive area of my work before becoming a sahm to my now toddler

AFierceBadRabbit · 11/03/2017 12:40

Sounds like her views on motherhood/SAHM-hood are a bit off.

I don't have children, and this is what it looks like to me. A really odd comment to make in front of you both (not to mention really rude!).

Issue sounds like hers, not yours.
Even when you do not have kids, you know that being a SAHM is still actual, legitimate, hard WORK!

Billchan · 11/03/2017 12:45

I'd be more annoyed with your DH. Your friend having never been in your position has probably never even considered the situation and why u don't work, cost of childcare etc. I'm sure if u explained it to her she'd understand. Your DH wouldn't be getting off so light though!

GetAHaircutCarl · 11/03/2017 12:46

Your friend is single and childless so of course she has no clue about the cost of childcare etc

Your DH however has no excuse.

Gizlotsmum · 11/03/2017 12:46

I would raise it with hubby. If he honestly sees it as his house and you not making a contribution I would then cost up a required nursery place for the children and ask if he is willing to pay that? Then thinking forward look at after school clubs etc that would mean you could work and what your wage would be. I bet you are contributing more as a sahp than you would be working and paying nursery fees

ToffeeForEveryone · 11/03/2017 12:47

Yeah, "friend" wouldn't be coming back. I'd be telling her to go home today.

YANBU. Go out and leave DH to it.

Miserylovescompany2 · 11/03/2017 12:48

The stay at home part was a joint decision. You may not be contributing financially right now, that doesn't mean you don't get an equal say about what happens in your own home. I'm assuming both names are on the mortgage?

They are acting like twats. She could of easily said its none of my business and sat on the fence. She didn't, she decided to belittle your choices.

I wouldn't have her back.

My son has the bathroom like a sauna, condensation drips from the frigging ceiling! He doesn't contribute financially, but, it's his home and I'd rather explain the damage it does in a conversation between myself and him rather than making him feel like shit in front of others. He has taken onboard my comments, we've reached a compromise. Window and door are left open straight after.