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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off with dh and friend

173 replies

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 11:33

Not sure what I'm most pissed off about here.
Have an old uni friend staying this weekend. We got on really well at uni, had lots in common and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and we still keep in contact lots 10 years on. However since uni we've gone in very different directions. We are both homeowners but she is single and very career driven in a competitive field. I chose to go into a less competitive area of my work before becoming a sahm to my now toddler.
Just after breakfast this morning I mention I'm going to have a shower and dh says can I open the window so it's not too steamy up there. I say I'll open it when I'm done like normal. He puts in an argument that I should open it during but I say no cos I don't like the draft when I'm in the shower.
He is a bit sulky about this and makes a shit comment about damaging 'his' house and friend comments in agreement. It irritates me so I make a comment but try to keep it joky about being told how to shower in my own home and would she allow that? She says no, but her place is just hers and she'd never agree to a shared mortgage so always will be. I (stupidly) didn't leave it there and said ' so if someone moved in with you it'd be ok to tell them how to shower even tho it's their home too?'. She then told me no she wouldn't but then he'd be contributing to the house and I'm not!
They are now annoyed that I've suggested that in that case me and my ' contribution' go out (after my shower with the window shut) and have a good day while they enjoy the lack of steam and draft of open windows in the house.
Aibu for a) being pissed off at him trying to tell me how to shower, and b)being told I don't contribute to the household?

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 11/03/2017 17:35

I suppose it's something that they apologised, but it took MIL to prompt it. I still think after the friend has gone you need to ask him why her presence made him make those remarks. It should have been a non issue. He needs to understand that he really made you feel undervalued as the mother of his DD and as his wife. Why is he not proud of you? Why if he didn't agree with what she said, didn't he say so, instead of siding with her and demeaning you. I don't think that an apology is enough.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 17:37

How about 're evaluating the marriage

The "friend" Is not the real problem here

Foxysoxy01 · 11/03/2017 17:40

Once you friend has gone do you think it might be a good idea to ask how he feels about her? Or if there is anything going on between them?

I'm sure I'm probably reading it all wrong but it really does sound like if there isn't yet, they may want something to happen between them or at least like the banter/flirting with each other.

TeethDrama · 11/03/2017 17:47

What a great mil. Stepping in appropriately. Good to hear of. Glad you dh apologised, that's something, but I hope he can see the full picture - it's not just about your role/whose house but also about not putting you down in front of others. Two separate matters, equally important.

I hope your friend apologised for sticking her beak in AND being unsupportive of your role/life choice AND taking side of your dh over you, her friend. If she couldn't agree with you, fine but she should have just kept quiet.

Muldjewangk · 11/03/2017 17:52

Your MIL told them off. Grin Good on her!

Muldjewangk · 11/03/2017 17:52

Your MIL told them off. Grin Good on her!

Original poster
booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 18:03

Oh believe me, me and my dh will be having words once she's gone.
My mil is ace. She has since sent them both an email with a spreadsheet entitled 'contribution'. She has researched costs of childminders, nursery, cleaner, chef etc.

OP posts:
LadyPW · 11/03/2017 18:07

I love your MIL Grin

QueenCarpetJewels · 11/03/2017 18:08

OP your MIL sounds amazing! Grin

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 11/03/2017 18:08

Actually, you shouldn't open the window while the bathroom is full of hot steam. Something about the cold air making the condensation worse. You should have an extractor and/or wait for the room to cool down a bit (post shower) and then open the window.
I have a friend who lives with her dh of 15 years. She had moved into a house that he bought as a single man, and in a conversation she corrected herself saying "our house" by saying "actually its his house" which I found reaaallly weird, since they are married and all.
Anyhoo..
You need to make sure your husband knows that the house belongs to you both equally and that he better not ever disrespect you like that again. Friend was being a goady knob, who knows why.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 11/03/2017 18:08

MIL is a mnetter..

TeethDrama · 11/03/2017 18:08

Good for your mil!

Janey50 · 11/03/2017 18:11

No, YANBU. The first thing I thought on reading this was that they are showing off to each other. I used to experience this with my exH and best friend. It seemed as if she never passed up an opportunity to side up with him against me if he had a niggle at me about something. It really used to piss me off.

Janey50 · 11/03/2017 18:13

Oh and good on your MIL. She sounds amazing.

Botanicbaby · 11/03/2017 18:20

MIL sounds over invested now, she really emailed them a spreadsheet? Talk about labouring a point.

This is between you and your DH, I'd find it hard to accept his apology for that treatment in front of your so-called friend.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 18:40

It should be you doing spreadsheets. Thank your MIL and tell her you will take it from here. I would feel a bit embarrassed that his mother had to take him in hand...where are your cojones ?

diddl · 11/03/2017 18:49

If I thought that spreadsheets were necessary to show my husband what I contribute then I'd be leaving.

girlywhirly · 11/03/2017 18:54

Makes me wonder whether DH has form for opening his gob without engaging his brain, and MIL knows this better than most.

Onegreatday · 11/03/2017 19:00

How's your mil got your friends email address? I think emailing her own ds is acceptable, but emailing your friend could cause further upset. I'm sure she meant well though.

Original poster
booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 19:31

Sorry I didn't write it well. The email was to dh but also ' for friend's interest'. She did a spreadsheet because that is a form of explaining things which dh recognizes and understands. He works with them every day and we have a couple for our finances. So having something in that form really hits home for him.
My cojones are dealing with it my way. My friend has apologised, I believe sincerely. I will deal with my husband when she has gone. This will include some length of time alone with our toddler, possibly while I go to a spa with his mother!

OP posts:
Starlighter · 11/03/2017 21:01

Your friend sounds ignorant, she just doesn't get it.

But your husband...?! Presumably this is a set up you've both agreed on, so it's terrible for him to make a dig about it. Complete undermines u and is very insulting.

Sounds like they were both showing off. U need to have words with your husband pronto before more resentment kicks in - from both sides.

sotiredbutworthit · 11/03/2017 21:20

I love your MIL!

Jux · 11/03/2017 22:07

I love your mil too 😍

CookieLady · 11/03/2017 22:18

What a fab MIL. Star

honeyroar · 11/03/2017 23:14

So your husband felt confident enough to criticise you in front of your friend, but not enough to stand up for you when he thought her criticisms of you were wrong? Yeah right!

And while I think her comments were awful and insulting, I think it was pretty awful of you to argue in front of her and drag her into it by asking her opinion.

And yes MIL is great, but rein her in now, she's got her point across, spreadsheets to your friend were a bit OTT.