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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off with dh and friend

173 replies

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 11:33

Not sure what I'm most pissed off about here.
Have an old uni friend staying this weekend. We got on really well at uni, had lots in common and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and we still keep in contact lots 10 years on. However since uni we've gone in very different directions. We are both homeowners but she is single and very career driven in a competitive field. I chose to go into a less competitive area of my work before becoming a sahm to my now toddler.
Just after breakfast this morning I mention I'm going to have a shower and dh says can I open the window so it's not too steamy up there. I say I'll open it when I'm done like normal. He puts in an argument that I should open it during but I say no cos I don't like the draft when I'm in the shower.
He is a bit sulky about this and makes a shit comment about damaging 'his' house and friend comments in agreement. It irritates me so I make a comment but try to keep it joky about being told how to shower in my own home and would she allow that? She says no, but her place is just hers and she'd never agree to a shared mortgage so always will be. I (stupidly) didn't leave it there and said ' so if someone moved in with you it'd be ok to tell them how to shower even tho it's their home too?'. She then told me no she wouldn't but then he'd be contributing to the house and I'm not!
They are now annoyed that I've suggested that in that case me and my ' contribution' go out (after my shower with the window shut) and have a good day while they enjoy the lack of steam and draft of open windows in the house.
Aibu for a) being pissed off at him trying to tell me how to shower, and b)being told I don't contribute to the household?

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 11/03/2017 14:12

I agree, the friend sounds very envious of you. 10 years on from your wedding, she may be doing really well in her career, with a home of her own and disposable income, but I'm interested to know how her relationships have panned out. Has she ever had long term relationships, lived together with a partner etc; is she now wishing that she was in one. She seems to be jealously guarding her home, but perhaps she now wants to 'have it all' and it isn't working out.

I think she should leave so that you and DH can discuss why he thinks it's fine to put you down in front of a guest, and to sort it out. Find out childcare costs, if his awkward working hours mean you can't cover them because you have a job, he will have to change his hours. If you are both working, he will have to do more housework, take days of leave to cover when your child is unwell. What are the chances of that? And if he is unhappy with the current set up, he should discuss the issue with you instead of picking silly arguments in front of others.

Miserylovescompany2 · 11/03/2017 14:24

dataandspot, I wipe the condensation off with a towel and shove it straight in the washer. I also (when it was time to repaint) used a paint that contained an anti mould ingredient. No problems now, prior to repaint there were a few black spots appearing. I just scrubbed with bleach the day before painting.

Bansteadmum · 11/03/2017 14:25

diddl · 11/03/2017 14:26

I'd go out but I'd leave the toddler behind so that your contribution might be appreciated.

They both sound awful.

Your husband might have a point about the window-depending how much steam you generate!-but then wasn't the time to say!

TeethDrama · 11/03/2017 14:34

Your friend should have used some diplomacy and stayed out of a domestic squabble. Let alone making comment about contributions, that's totally underhand and I would be having separate words with her about that. I think she is possibly jealous of you, for home/dh/child/sahm position and was actively slyly displaying an opinion for your dh's benefit about it too. It's saying "us homeowners (!) know how it goes, the non-contributors (!) don't".

Your dh should not have told you off about window. If he had a problem with it he should have made it separately and in private. I don't think you should have backed down by saying "of course" and then doing what you usually do anyway. Yes it would have been the easy option but it is chipping away at your sense of self and own opinion and that's a bad habit for you and your dh to get into.

I would be annoyed with bith but would smooth over initially and then tackle both seperately.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 14:35

What the heck is fish water?!

Bluntness100 · 11/03/2017 14:36

The key issue here is your husband describing the house as his. The second issue is your friend backing him up. I wonder if she's jealous of you.

NotYoda · 11/03/2017 14:39

Itshould

When you have tropical fish you have to siphon off some of the old water and re-fill with fresh water. Old water has fish poo/wee in it.

Good for plants; not for people.

Rubies12345 · 11/03/2017 14:41

Personally I wouldn't care if a friend said something like this to me in private, but embarrassing you in front of your husband that would annoy me.

It almost sounds a little flirty.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 14:57

Thanks, yoda - although I wouldn't be surprised if Gweneth Paltrow decides its a 'thing' and tries to convince us all to rush out and buy £25 bottles of Fish Water. I'm inclined to agree with rubies - siding with your DH over you being told to have a shower with the window open (brrrr!) does sound as though she's more keen to make an impression on him rather than you. Hope you're alright and that she's leaving very soon - time to have a chat with DH about his attitudes, I think.

caz323 · 11/03/2017 15:00

JingleJess: am I confused (quite possible) or are you confused re: fish water?

There's a thread on AIBU at the minute: "I've just walked out!!" Where OP is fuming with DH cleaning the fish tank and got dirty fish water all over the clean dishes etc etc.

Just wondering??

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 11/03/2017 15:01

I technically own our house, bought before I met DP and I've never referred to it as "my house". He works and I'm a SAHM and never once has he referred to his wages as "his" money. We're a team, in every way. I couldn't do what I do without him working, and he couldn't work all the hours he does without me at home (my choice to be a SAHM fwiw). If he ever spoke to me like that it would be over, it's pedantic and disrespectful. Your friend is an arse too.

8misskitty8 · 11/03/2017 15:08

He's an arse and your friend is a bitch.
Being a Sahp saves a huge amount of money. Were I live it's about £60 a day !

I'd distance myself from this 'friend' . Sounds like she has no respect for you.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 15:14

caz I'm chronically confused! But yep, just seen the fish water thread - makes a bit more sense!

caz323 · 11/03/2017 15:28

JingleJess: Happy to help!

Jux · 11/03/2017 16:00

I think wishing her a safe journey home is all you need to say to her, and your dh will need a new arsehole once you've ripped out the one he's got.

Original poster

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 16:52

Hey! Thanks for all your messages. I did go out with my toddler. While out his mum text me so I told her what had happened. She then called them apparently and gave them both a stressing down. They then came to join me and apologised. She offered to take my toddler for a little while i went round the shops round there. He's since said when we were alone that he doesn't agree with what she said but didn't know what to say at that moment. I think his initial ' his house' comment was supposed to be a joke but didn't come across like it.

OP posts:

Original poster

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 16:55

A dressing down sorry.

OP posts:

Thattimeofyearagain · 11/03/2017 17:02

I'm glad he apologized, I would spell out to your" friend" that your contribution is running a home and bringing up a child, the far harder job.- and I say that as a former sahm ( 10 years) who has now been the main wage earner for 14 years.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 17:06

He blamed your friend then ?

Poor ikkle diddums got forced into demeaning your role.

Yeah, right.

witsender · 11/03/2017 17:08

I would be very suspicious of them tbh. They both sound disloyal, which is not good.

HappyFlappy · 11/03/2017 17:12

Lovely to hear of a supportive MIL - so they aren't all Gorgons!

alltouchedout · 11/03/2017 17:15

Does he usually blame other people for his own twattishness?

Obsidian77 · 11/03/2017 17:27

Glad he apologised.
I would be re-evaluating the friendship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/03/2017 17:31

Respect to your MIL !

"He's since said when we were alone that he doesn't agree with what she said but didn't know what to say at that moment."
Err - has he forgotten that HE STARTED IT with his fuckery about the window and 'his' house? Nope, that is not an apology and it's not even an acceptable non-apology. That is a rewriting of history which I hope you're going to reject, and insist on a real apology and an explanation of said fuckery.

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