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AIBU?

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Original poster

Judge's warning to drunk women

985 replies

FirstShinyRobe · 10/03/2017 21:47

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-39233617

AIBU to think she had a marvellous platform with her retirement speech to issue instead a warning to men not to rape women?

OP posts:
TheWorldAccordingToToads · 10/03/2017 23:57

I don't leave valuables on display and easy to nick unattended and ready for opportunist to take

But I am not a valuable. I am a human being. My vagina isn't just waiting for someone to take it but I can't leave my vagina at home either 😔

Whathaveilost · 10/03/2017 23:57

My post was rather long. In summary, it's not my fault if a rapist choices to rape me but I'd rather have full facilities about me and hopefully be able to make sensible choices.
In my younger days I have made some terrible safety decisions thinking I would be ok. Mostly I was.

ghostyslovesheets · 10/03/2017 23:58

but it's not your daughters fault rapists rape why should SHE modify her behaviour or how she dresses - rape and patriarchal control - best mates since forever

I have 3 daughter including 2 teens - I taught them to be strong feminists and to fight back

CheeseQueen · 10/03/2017 23:59

I was 4 he was a family member oh and I was sober

Oh for goodness sake, of course I wasn't referring to anything like that Sad
That's child abuse. Sick fucks who hurt children. In no way EVER is that the child's fault and they're totally at the mercy of the adults they're left in charge with.
I clearly said women. Surely it stands to reason to not get so paralytic you black out and can't remember what you did the night before? Which is basically the same as the judge said. Doesn't mean it's your fault if anything happens. That's always the rapists. Just common sense that blanking out so you can't remember what happened is never a good idea.

allchattedout · 11/03/2017 00:00

ghostylovessheets, I wouldn't actually say you were at 'fault' in either scenario. I would say the first scenario was an accident and that the second scenario you were a victim of rape, which is entirely the fault of the rapist. I think that the absence/presence of alcohol is relevant to the extent that you might not have tripped if you were sober and (depending on circumstances), your rapist may not have had the opportunity to rape you. Obviously, this does not apply in all rapes.

I knew of a guy at uni who was creepy as fuck. He would go to house parties and would sometimes 'help' drunk girls get home. I only know what happened to a friend of mine which is that he raped her and in the morning claimed it was a one night stand. She did not report it. In that particular situation, she would have been unlikely to have been in that situation had she not been very very drunk. However, if you are raped by your boyfriend or husband or family member, there is very little you can do to protect yourself other than to get the hell away from them if you see any signs of abuse or controlling behaviour and to never give second chances where abuse is concerned.

melj1213 · 11/03/2017 00:00

Ghost Being drunk is a factor in some rapes - like mine.

Yes my rapist was 100% at fault whether I was stone cold sober or drunk off my face, but if I (and my friends) had been stone cold sober then there's no way in hell I would have ever been alone, drunk and walking through an unlit park at 4am.

If I was sober then maybe I'd never have lost my friends; if I had been sober there's no way I'd have decided that walking across a dark park would have been a good idea - not only because there might have been rapists, murderers and thieves lurking but also because of the fact the other route was well lit, busy road and my short cut was unlit so I couldn't see where I was walking, required walking directly across uneven grass and I could have ended up injured, with no way of getting help.

I might not have done those things when I was drunk, on some other night, but on that night m drunk self decided to throw caution to the wind and take the short cut. It's not my fault that I was raped but that doesn't absolve me of any personal responsibility that meant I was in that situation in the first place.

SusieOwl4 · 11/03/2017 00:01

Ghostlylove sheets. Have you read her full comments? I repeat she said she was not shifting responsibility of course it's still rape. I don't get where you are coming from.She did not say she would reduce the sentence because the victim was drunk?

KindDogsTail · 11/03/2017 00:01

There used to be the hitch-hiking question in the past when it was a common way to travel. It is incredibly dangerous, I nearly got raped with a friend hitch-hiking and did manage to fight, literally, and get out.

I was strong and brave, but I would say don't hitch-hike. If you do be 100% alert.

ghostyslovesheets · 11/03/2017 00:02

course you have no 'personal responsibility' you have a cast iron 100% right to take a fucking short cut!

Why do that to yourself - you have the right to walk anywhere, anytime, anyway you want

SusieOwl4 · 11/03/2017 00:02

Melj again very brave post. i hope your attacker was caught.

DJBaggySmalls · 11/03/2017 00:02

''She said women "are entitled to do what they like" but asked them to "please be aware there are men out there who gravitate towards a woman who might be more vulnerable than others".''

She's right. Predators attack the vulnerable, and being legless makes you vulnerable and a target for predators.
That doesn't mean its ok to rape, or not ok to get drunk. She didnt say any of that.
Its ok to give people safety advice before the event, such as stick together and watch out for each other. Saying 'why did you do X' after the event is victim blaming.

allchattedout · 11/03/2017 00:03

Jess I am so sorry to hear that. What a bastard and your poor friend who is now unwittingly marrying a rapist. Of course that was not your fault and it is never the victim's fault. I would simply want to prevent as many women as possible from that ever happening to them. Men who do that are pure scum.

ghostyslovesheets · 11/03/2017 00:04

please be aware there are men out there who gravitate towards a woman who might be more vulnerable than others

so why direct that warning to women? Rather than address the behaviour of MEN?

SusieOwl4 · 11/03/2017 00:06

Actually I know of a case at a party where a girl got drunk and got raped by someone she knew . In fact she did not report it because she could not remember everything that had happened and felt she could not make a good witness.very sad and I often wondered if the guy ever did it again.

SusieOwl4 · 11/03/2017 00:07

The judge does address the behaviour of rapists , she jails them!

Whathaveilost · 11/03/2017 00:07

I don't leave valuables on display and easy to nick unattended and ready for opportunist to take

But I am not a valuable. I am a human being. My vagina isn't just waiting for someone to take it but I can't leave my vagina at home either 😔*

Yeah yeah yeah,I was waiting for that comment!
But you are valuable! You are special! Like I said you don't know who is around. You could be surrounded by the most altruistic caring people in the world ...or one of them maybe a rapis. Who knows?
It's not about living in fear, you can still go out and have a great time, have a drink and so on.its being aware.

If you disagree with me that's fine but I'm happy to stay alert enough to hopefully give myself a fighting chance of staying alert, picking up subtle signs of danger when I'm out.
Also goingback to what I said before lots of people get raped, especially sober people. I just want to give myself a fighting chance if needed rather than having my senses dulled in a particular situation.

ghostyslovesheets · 11/03/2017 00:08

Oh for goodness sake, of course I wasn't referring to anything like that sad That's child abuse. Sick fucks who hurt children. In no way EVER is that the child's fault and they're totally at the mercy of the adults they're left in charge with I clearly said women

So children are always 100% believed but women you are often a fault?

Rape is RAPE if you are 4 or 40 and I really resent the differentiation - because BOTH are motivated by a need to subdue and control the person you are abusing - regardless of age

I was raped - the same as women of 17/68/35 are raped

it's not different because I was a child

allchattedout · 11/03/2017 00:11

course you have no 'personal responsibility' you have a cast iron 100% right to take a fucking short cut!

Ghost, no, we (and hopefully you) KNOW that walking through dark parks is dangerous. There ARE predators out there (like it or not) and if they want to attack someone, parks at night are the place to do it. Sometimes they rape the victim, sometimes they rob and sometimes they even kill. It is not the victim's fault, but once you have been raped, that is it. You have to live with it for the rest of your life, regardless of whether the rapist gets a long sentence. So, no person, male or female should EVER take a shortcut through a dark park late at night.

I can say I have a cast iron 100% right to wander through a South African township late at night. If I did, there would be a high chance that something would happen to me though.

Don't teach your daughters that they are invincible. Teach them to be safe and sensible. I don't know what you mean by teaching them to 'fight back', but in the context of rape, it's really inappropriate wording to use.

ghostyslovesheets · 11/03/2017 00:12

anyway I am off to bed - early start!

I'm sorry but I dislike the hierarchy of rape - rape is rape - end of

I was raped

my age is irrelevant

TheWorldAccordingToToads · 11/03/2017 00:13

Wouldn't it be nice if you could leave your vagina at home? Smile

allchattedout · 11/03/2017 00:13

so why direct that warning to women? Rather than address the behaviour of MEN?

Ghostly, could you please outline to us HOW you would address the behaviour of men? What actual practical steps would be taken?

ghostyslovesheets · 11/03/2017 00:13

Don't teach your daughters that they are invincible. Teach them to be safe and sensible. I don't know what you mean by teaching them to 'fight back', but in the context of rape, it's really inappropriate wording to use

I mean fight back politically in in every day life - and I don't teach them they are invincible - at all! I just don't 'slut shame' them or tell them to behave in a way that makes them seem more innocent to wider society should anything happen

ghostyslovesheets · 11/03/2017 00:14

start with your sons - educate THEM about rape - not just your daughters!

allchattedout · 11/03/2017 00:15

But I am not a valuable

Agree with a pp. You are surely more valuable than any object, however much it cost? You only have one body.

MorrisZapp · 11/03/2017 00:16

Advising your kids to avoid dark alleys is slut shaming, sorry but wtf.