To think I can't be lesbian if I don't like the idea of sex with a woman

[Bewildered29]

Sorry if this is too much information.

I enjoy the idea of sex with a man. All my sexual encounters have been with men. BUT, I've never been in love with a man. Doubt I ever could be and although I feel sexual attraction for men, there's no emotional feeling there. I would be very surprised if I could ever be in love with a man. Even though I enjoy great friendships with men, and have found men sexually attractive, I've never met a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with or even date.

Women it's the complete opposite.

I'm not as sexually attracted to women. I don't look at a woman and go phwoar! but I have definitely been in love with a woman. When I think of who I want to spend my life with, cuddle on the sofa with, get old with. It's a woman.

But, while I could happily have a woman do 'things' to me, I hate the idea of doing anything back. I hate the look of vaginas and whenever I've met a girl and have started chatting I've always backed away as I just don't think I can do it.

I've been single my entire life except from fleeting relationship with men. I do have a child.

I feel I'm lying to myself saying I'm straight. I don't have any emotional attachment to men.

But then I'm not sure I'm lesbian as I find the idea of having sex with women unpleasant. Sometime so wonder if it's my catholic upbringing coming into play. I was brought up in a staunchly homophobic environment and my parent still hate gay people.

At the moment I class myself as asexual. The way I feel towards makes and females is so different. I don't think I could consider myself bisexual. Also I don't really feel emotional attachment to
Makes so that kind of rules me out of being bisexual too.
So AIBU to say I can't be lesbian and I'm asexual instead?

[Bewildered29]

Thanks so much everyone.

I feel a bit better today.

Honestly, I'm lesbian. 100%.
I just need to accept it, work with it and meet new people.

I've always gravitated towards gay people, even before I even considered I was gay so I already have a group of gay friends.

I could never come out publicly. I am my parents pride and joy and they have suffered the death of three of their children in their lives. I can't have them lose me.

But they are elderly and so they won't be here forever. I wouldn't feel I was hiding anything anyway as they live far away from me and I haven't got a partner yet.

If I came out as gay they would never ever accept it. They wouldn't disown me but they would be so upset it would be devastating. I'd rather keep that a secret than do that to my parents.

There are many men I think are handsome.
But if I'm honest with myself I don't actually feel sexual attraction for them. It's just I can see they are handsome. I can't imagine being happy in a relationship with any man.

I think my not wanting to do anything to a woman is similar to heterosexual women hating blowjobs or men hating giving oral sex (most I know do). So that isn't going to stop me accepting I'm gay.

[Bewildered29]

I was just having a down day yesterday.

[Fauchelevent]

My jaw is on the floor at "maybe you haven't met the right man yet" and referring to lesbian love as friendship. Any more bingo phrases you want to churn out? "This is a phase" maybe?

Sorry, op. Glad you feel clearer today. Sexuality is complex. I'm bi - rarely do i crush on women but i'm very sexually attracted to them. I am less sexually attracted to men but i romantically like them a lot. Sometimes this varies!

Firstly, I think you have internalised a lot of homophobia but that can be unlearned. You don't have to come out to anyone you don't want to, including your parents. It may be tough to not introduce them to someone you love but if it would make the last decades with them tough you really don't have to.

And yep, you may just not be a "giver". I'm the opposite and hate being touched etc but like to give. But lesbian sex is very varied - theres lots more to do than the act you dont like!!

[Soon2bC]

as stated by Fauchelevent it may be that you dont like certain things.
My ex didnt like to give almost anything and was reluctant to let me do most things. She is gay but just didnt really like sex. She was also a very controlling person with very nasty tendencies.

I am now in a relationship which is more open minded and I find that I have learnt much more and we both give and take in so many ways now. its about finding a person you are comfortable with and learning to explore each other open and honestly. try things once and if you dont like it dont do it.

[PollyPerky]

Claryls there is nowhere in my posts that I suggest a counsellor would try to persuade the OP she wasn't a lesbian. Or whatever else you are thinking I wrote. Please stop putting words into my mouth and trying to have a dig.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

Yet again, I'm not trying to have a dig. I simply can't agree with your comments and the attitude you seem to have is pretty disgusting.

Not because of homophobia or anything, but because you seem to repeatedly suggest that the OP is confusing something/doessn't know what she's feeling!

[Obsidian77]

Glad you feel better today op. Seems to me like you've made real progress in just writing the words "I'm lesbian"
I wish you happiness and hope you can be at peace with yourself.

[SarcasmMode]

I'd say you're asexual or autosexual - you enjoy pleasure but not specifically given by another. So masturabation would be just as good. But you are romantically interested in women.

Don't feel like you have to label yourself though - it doesn't matter. One day you'll meet the right man or woman but until then do what feels right for you.

[Astoria7974]

Straight aromantic? Gay asexual? Bi/Pan A&A?

[akaWisey]

Totally relate to what you've said OP, and so relieved to know I'm not alone.

I've never said this on MN before because it's one of those saying which gets my goat a bit but it was like reading my own experience on paper. I'm not alone, and I'm not weird.

It's something I'm exploring in therapy because I can't imagine saying anything out loud yet. So your 'down day' helped someone. Thank you

[Pollaidh]

Well done. How does it feel to say that?

[akaWisey]

To say I'm not alone and not weird?

Like I've started something which I don't have to fear. So pretty good really

[Benedikte2]

Good luck for the future OP and akawisey.

[Pollaidh]

Brilliant. So pleased for you and good luck for the future. x