To think I can't be lesbian if I don't like the idea of sex with a woman

[Bewildered29]

Sorry if this is too much information.

I enjoy the idea of sex with a man. All my sexual encounters have been with men. BUT, I've never been in love with a man. Doubt I ever could be and although I feel sexual attraction for men, there's no emotional feeling there. I would be very surprised if I could ever be in love with a man. Even though I enjoy great friendships with men, and have found men sexually attractive, I've never met a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with or even date.

Women it's the complete opposite.

I'm not as sexually attracted to women. I don't look at a woman and go phwoar! but I have definitely been in love with a woman. When I think of who I want to spend my life with, cuddle on the sofa with, get old with. It's a woman.

But, while I could happily have a woman do 'things' to me, I hate the idea of doing anything back. I hate the look of vaginas and whenever I've met a girl and have started chatting I've always backed away as I just don't think I can do it.

I've been single my entire life except from fleeting relationship with men. I do have a child.

I feel I'm lying to myself saying I'm straight. I don't have any emotional attachment to men.

But then I'm not sure I'm lesbian as I find the idea of having sex with women unpleasant. Sometime so wonder if it's my catholic upbringing coming into play. I was brought up in a staunchly homophobic environment and my parent still hate gay people.

At the moment I class myself as asexual. The way I feel towards makes and females is so different. I don't think I could consider myself bisexual. Also I don't really feel emotional attachment to
Makes so that kind of rules me out of being bisexual too.
So AIBU to say I can't be lesbian and I'm asexual instead?

[littlefrog3]

Definitely bi-romantic asexual.

www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=biromantic+asexual&*

Biromantic Asexual is a person who is romantically attracted to two sexes or genders. Biromantic asexuals seek romantic relationships for a variety of reasons including companionship, affection, and intimacy, but they are not sexually attracted to their romantic partners.

Also, I don't think the OP is homophobic, and the 'going down' issues are no biggie. Some lesbians don't indulge in that; so don't feel bad about not fancying that...

[Birdsbeesandtrees]

I disagree slightly obsidian I once dated a guy with a truly gorgeous cock.

Sorry OP I wasn't sure if this was something you felt you had to live up to or something your parents taught you. It might be as you say you just haven't met the right person whoever hey may be.

[Bleurghghghgh]

No advice and haven't RTFT yet as about to run out of battery but I'm pretty much the opposite. Only had proper relationships with men but much more attracted to the idea of sex with women. And happier to 'give' with them

I think we're examples of the 'sliding scale' of sexuality personally. I think.

[Bewildered29]

I don't mind getting close to a man. I'd love to be in love and meet someone but I've never felt those feelings for any man.

There's women I'd have loved to date.

Another thing is with men I have this massive list of criteria that they need to have (educated,good job, tall)

By with women I just love the person.

[Oblomov17]

Genitals aren't the most beautiful of things!!

[Benedikte2]

Relax OP and just be yourself with the individuals you meet -- fall in love with the person and not their gender and the sex that follows will seem natural.If you truly love someone you want to please them. Sounds as if you're natural instincts have been warped by the repressive upbringing you had so difficult to know ""where you're at", but does it matter?

[AtSea1979]

When you say girl what sort of age do you mean?

[Bewildered29]

I'm sexually attracted to women.

I just don't like the don't idea of doing anything sexual to them but the thought of receiving is definitely something I would enjoy!

Sorry, again if that's tmi!

[Pollaidh]

In modern terminology I think you'd be classed as heterosexual but homoromantic. I think it's rather a tricky position to be in.

But also bear in mind that sexuality is now thought to be fluid and change through life. Some LGBT people are now anti-labelling, but I can see you are trying to work out what you feel, who you should be looking for, and self-labelling can be helpful sometimes.

However, given your background and what you've said I'd suggest you have internalised homophobia. It's very common, even in people who are fully supportive of gay rights. I think usually the way to deal with it is (1) counselling with a LGBT-friendly counsellor
(2) getting involved in LGBT communities, to see the positives, and see positive role models, I don't like using 'normal' but it does sort of 'normalise' it for you
(3) reading positive LGBT literature and watching LGBT films. We grow up with very little exposure to positive stories involving LGBT characters, and in the 80s and 90s, a fair bit of homophobia, whilst bi-phobia is a big problem too (even in the L&G community). Imagine if you'd grown up reading LGBT versions of all your favourite books, you'd probably feel rather differently.

Unfortunately there are far fewer lesbian and bi films with 2 female leads than there are with gay men, especially if you're trying to narrow it down to positive stories. (Historically LGBT relationships have been officially classed by authors as 'forbidden love' and therefore doomed - you could only get books with gay leads in published if it ended tragically, this upholding Christian/Victorian morality.) I'm struggling to think of any actually (some are, ahem, written for the hetero male market). 'Shelter' is lovely and very upbeat, though it is about 2 men.

The support site emptyclosets.com is great, and people there will be happy to chat about homoromanticism etc. with lots of sympathy and knowledge. They also have lists of LGBT-friendly films and books.

[Bewildered29]

I meant woman not girl.
I'm attracted to women between the ages of 22-40. Roughly :-)

[PollyPerky]

These labels are a bit silly.

OP do you think what you feel for women is normal feelings of friendship? Many women 'love' their girlfriends but don't want a sexual relationship with them, but they link arms when out, kiss each other when they meet and are warm and tactile. That's female friendships.

I think you've just not met the right chap or you have been damaged in some way as a child which makes you not want to risk the hurt of being emotionally involved with a man,and you see women as 'safe'.

[Bewildered29]

No. I have been in love with women. It's not a friendship love.

[ChrisYoungFuckingRocks]

I knew a couple once who absolutely adored each other. In fact, they'd been happily married almost 40 years. However, she had absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever, and told him before they got married that she would never have sex with him, and that he would be welcome to look for it elsewhere. They got married, and that arrangement worked for them. They loved each other too much not to be with each other, and he got his needs met on the side.

I'm only saying this because, if you fall in love with anyone, man or woman, but aren't interested in sex, there are ways to be together without doing something you don't want to do.

[PollyPerky]

so how do you differentiate between friendship love and 'love'? Women can love other women and have crushes on them but it doesn't have to be sexual.

Have you ever kissed a woman (on the lips with tongues etc or wanted to?)

[esk1mo]

i feel sort of similar OP. although i am able to fall in love with men and am sexually attracted to men, i also find women sexually attractive and could probably fall in love with a woman given the chance, but i could never imagine doing anything TO a woman

the only thing i can think that would logically put me off per se, is that i have a vagina
and therefore i am overly familiar with them (periods, shaving etc) so not entirely sure i could touch one i try not to think about it to much.


in terms of "labels" i would say bi-curious. and that you probably just havent met the right man yet.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

I knew a couple once who absolutely adored each other. In fact, they'd been happily married almost 40 years. However, she had absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever, and told him before they got married that she would never have sex with him, and that he would be welcome to look for it elsewhere. They got married, and that arrangement worked for them. They loved each other too much not to be with each other, and he got his needs met on the side.

That's actually really beautiful.

[PollyPerky]

It's only beautiful if the women he did have sex with didn't fall in love with him and want more.

[BartholinsSister]

OP, what about that new kind of woman we keep hearing about, that has a penis.
Ideal no?

[ClaryIsTheBest]

True. Didn''t really consider that.

Maybe she had a husband that didn't want sex? ;)

[Bewildered29]

I think th thing that sticks for me is that I've never been in love with a man and I HAVE been in love with women.

The fact that on a purely physical basis I find men more attractive doesn't mean much really. It's purely physical. No emotion.

[travellingbird]

Married lesbian here. It's hard to knock entrenched heteronormativity. Our whole world revolves around the male/female love story.
Have you ever come close to being physical with a woman? How did that feel?

[cafesociety]

I am ok with sex with a man and was with my ExDH for 12 years. I've been out with a number of men. I've also lived with 4 female partners in long term relationships as I fell in love with them. [Am now in my 60's and firmly single].

Sex= from a man, first choice, love = definitely from a woman. And I have no hang ups from religion or upbringing or anything. Just can't seem to combine the two satisfactorily in the long term in one person.

A man could give me what I need sexually but I can only get the deep emotional connection and love from a female. No real problem being sexual with a woman but infrequently, as is has not been the driving force. Love has been the basis for me, sadly sex has been my female partners priority.

I've always felt split, my life has been conflicted, no real solution found and it has never worked out in the long term.

I never managed to find a lasting solution, despite a couple of partners being really understanding. I think to describe me as homoromantic would be pretty accurate. But no, not a happy place to be in.

[Bewildered29]

Sounds just like me cafesociety.

[cafesociety]

I have described myself as bisexual in the past, although I hate labels, but I think even that does not tell the true story. I did not identify with being a lesbian [and always was honest about that with partners, who accepted it at the time]. It does not accurately describe my situation.

Anyway celibate now, it's easier.

[littlefrog3]

chrisyoungfuckingrocks

I knew a couple once who absolutely adored each other. In fact, they'd been happily married almost 40 years. However, she had absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever, and told him before they got married that she would never have sex with him, and that he would be welcome to look for it elsewhere. They got married, and that arrangement worked for them. They loved each other too much not to be with each other, and he got his needs met on the side.

That's a LOT of very personal and detailed information for this 'couple you know' to be dishing out to an acquaintance........