To think I can't be lesbian if I don't like the idea of sex with a woman

[Bewildered29]

Sorry if this is too much information.

I enjoy the idea of sex with a man. All my sexual encounters have been with men. BUT, I've never been in love with a man. Doubt I ever could be and although I feel sexual attraction for men, there's no emotional feeling there. I would be very surprised if I could ever be in love with a man. Even though I enjoy great friendships with men, and have found men sexually attractive, I've never met a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with or even date.

Women it's the complete opposite.

I'm not as sexually attracted to women. I don't look at a woman and go phwoar! but I have definitely been in love with a woman. When I think of who I want to spend my life with, cuddle on the sofa with, get old with. It's a woman.

But, while I could happily have a woman do 'things' to me, I hate the idea of doing anything back. I hate the look of vaginas and whenever I've met a girl and have started chatting I've always backed away as I just don't think I can do it.

I've been single my entire life except from fleeting relationship with men. I do have a child.

I feel I'm lying to myself saying I'm straight. I don't have any emotional attachment to men.

But then I'm not sure I'm lesbian as I find the idea of having sex with women unpleasant. Sometime so wonder if it's my catholic upbringing coming into play. I was brought up in a staunchly homophobic environment and my parent still hate gay people.

At the moment I class myself as asexual. The way I feel towards makes and females is so different. I don't think I could consider myself bisexual. Also I don't really feel emotional attachment to
Makes so that kind of rules me out of being bisexual too.
So AIBU to say I can't be lesbian and I'm asexual instead?

[Pollaidh]

Brilliant. So pleased for you and good luck for the future. x

[Benedikte2]

Good luck for the future OP and akawisey.

[akaWisey]

To say I'm not alone and not weird?

Like I've started something which I don't have to fear. So pretty good really

[Pollaidh]

Well done. How does it feel to say that?

[akaWisey]

Totally relate to what you've said OP, and so relieved to know I'm not alone.

I've never said this on MN before because it's one of those saying which gets my goat a bit but it was like reading my own experience on paper. I'm not alone, and I'm not weird.

It's something I'm exploring in therapy because I can't imagine saying anything out loud yet. So your 'down day' helped someone. Thank you

[Astoria7974]

Straight aromantic? Gay asexual? Bi/Pan A&A?

[SarcasmMode]

I'd say you're asexual or autosexual - you enjoy pleasure but not specifically given by another. So masturabation would be just as good. But you are romantically interested in women.

Don't feel like you have to label yourself though - it doesn't matter. One day you'll meet the right man or woman but until then do what feels right for you.

[Obsidian77]

Glad you feel better today op. Seems to me like you've made real progress in just writing the words "I'm lesbian"
I wish you happiness and hope you can be at peace with yourself.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

Yet again, I'm not trying to have a dig. I simply can't agree with your comments and the attitude you seem to have is pretty disgusting.

Not because of homophobia or anything, but because you seem to repeatedly suggest that the OP is confusing something/doessn't know what she's feeling!

[PollyPerky]

Claryls there is nowhere in my posts that I suggest a counsellor would try to persuade the OP she wasn't a lesbian. Or whatever else you are thinking I wrote. Please stop putting words into my mouth and trying to have a dig.

[Soon2bC]

as stated by Fauchelevent it may be that you dont like certain things.
My ex didnt like to give almost anything and was reluctant to let me do most things. She is gay but just didnt really like sex. She was also a very controlling person with very nasty tendencies.

I am now in a relationship which is more open minded and I find that I have learnt much more and we both give and take in so many ways now. its about finding a person you are comfortable with and learning to explore each other open and honestly. try things once and if you dont like it dont do it.

[Fauchelevent]

My jaw is on the floor at "maybe you haven't met the right man yet" and referring to lesbian love as friendship. Any more bingo phrases you want to churn out? "This is a phase" maybe?

Sorry, op. Glad you feel clearer today. Sexuality is complex. I'm bi - rarely do i crush on women but i'm very sexually attracted to them. I am less sexually attracted to men but i romantically like them a lot. Sometimes this varies!

Firstly, I think you have internalised a lot of homophobia but that can be unlearned. You don't have to come out to anyone you don't want to, including your parents. It may be tough to not introduce them to someone you love but if it would make the last decades with them tough you really don't have to.

And yep, you may just not be a "giver". I'm the opposite and hate being touched etc but like to give. But lesbian sex is very varied - theres lots more to do than the act you dont like!!

[Bewildered29]

I was just having a down day yesterday.

[Bewildered29]

Thanks so much everyone.

I feel a bit better today.

Honestly, I'm lesbian. 100%.
I just need to accept it, work with it and meet new people.

I've always gravitated towards gay people, even before I even considered I was gay so I already have a group of gay friends.

I could never come out publicly. I am my parents pride and joy and they have suffered the death of three of their children in their lives. I can't have them lose me.

But they are elderly and so they won't be here forever. I wouldn't feel I was hiding anything anyway as they live far away from me and I haven't got a partner yet.

If I came out as gay they would never ever accept it. They wouldn't disown me but they would be so upset it would be devastating. I'd rather keep that a secret than do that to my parents.

There are many men I think are handsome.
But if I'm honest with myself I don't actually feel sexual attraction for them. It's just I can see they are handsome. I can't imagine being happy in a relationship with any man.

I think my not wanting to do anything to a woman is similar to heterosexual women hating blowjobs or men hating giving oral sex (most I know do). So that isn't going to stop me accepting I'm gay.

[Oblomov17]

There's absolutely nothing stopping you, OP from either :

1)contacting your old supervisor and telling her exactly how you feel, that you wish you had had the courage to say back then. See if she feels the same/ wants to take it any further.

Then at least you'd know you'd take of her. That will make you feel tonnes better, even if nothing comes of it.

It's flattery. How coujd she be offended? What's the WORST that can happen?

Or 2) trying to find out about her? From fellow contacts/ people she still works with? find out if she's currently single? could there possibly be a relationship?

and then, back to 1)telling her exactly how you feel when you wish to get the courage to say before?


Alongside that, you definitely need to at least think about your sexual side/ the fact you don't want to do anything TO a woman. This needs consideration and thought so that you can decide what to do/how this fits/whether you are ready to enter into a totally lesbian full on relationship.

Is that helpful?

[Loopytiles]

Your're right, of course, joystir. But it does sound like OP's family and the people around her were very homophobic.

[Caipir1nha]

OP - I think some women who have suffered some form of trauma because of a man may become emotionally shut down to men in general?

When you have had sex with men have you found it satisfying for you, or was it more about trying to fit his expectations?

Sorry if this is too personal a question, but if and when you, er, DIY, what are you focusing on - male, female or either /or?

[joystir59]

Loopytiles it doesn't take a dysfunctional upbringing to result in internalised homophobia or a sense that one might lose everything by having a sexual relationship with a woman. Being brought up in a heterosexual and homophobic society is enough.

Family members turning against one is still a common experience for gay and lesbian people. Shame and fear have often to be overcome in the coming out process. Gay and lesbian people have to 'come out' every time they start getting to know new people. every time they start a new job etc.

[Loopytiles]

Sounds like your dysfunctional upbringing has led to internal homophobia/misogyny/issues with sex.

Why would you "lose everything" by having sexual relationships with a woman? Do you mean that your family would reject you?

[joystir59]

It is common for lesbians to feel intense yearning for other girls and women. Looking back on these feelings as I have experienced them- they included sublimated sexual desire. Growing up when I did there was nothing to inform me about the possibility I was a lesbian in popular literature or on TV. Straight people do not experience this. On this thread I feel that some people are posting theories who don't know what the OP is describing.

[joystir59]

OP I am a lesbian, married to a woman, been out and proud for 20 years now; but when I started to come out to myself I didn't feel overtly sexually attracted to women- it was something that lived 'under the surface'. Id experienced the intense feelings of being in love with a woman and with girls when younger, but these feelings were an intense yearning that didn't really become physical. I went on to have boyfriends and was married to a man for a long time.
When I started coming out it began as an inner knowledge that I wanted a sexual connection with someone (marriage had failed at this point) but I didn't want another man. I went out on the gay scene and met women, and sometimes had sexual experiences but still felt I was acting a part and that sexual pleasure was a myth. Then I met the woman I had my first lesbian relationship with- we were together 7 years, and suddenly I knew what desire was. I was overwhelmed with love and desire and everything about sex and love made sense.

I think it is very difficult for lesbians to recognise desire in themselves because of the heterosexual frame of reference we internalise. I suspect reading your posts that you are a lesbian in waiting and that you could try dating some women or going out to lesbian meetups/bars in your local area. Just start to connect with the lesbian scene and see how that feels for you.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

polly

You repeatedly suggesting counselling doesn't make it better.

No good therapist would counsel somebody to get rid of romantic feelings towards the same sex.

Unless you're doubting that the OP, an adult woman, knows what she's feeling and was infact in love with a woman....

[Klaphat]

I'm another person who has a problem with your posts on this thread, PollyPerky. You definitely seem to want to convince the OP she is heterosexual, for whatever reason.

OP, I can relate in some ways. I would say I am bi, but had/have similar hangups re. having sex with a woman. I'm fairly comfortable to put it down to just not being exposed to lesbian sex when growing up, or even now. It's not normalised in the way heterosexual sex is. Or rather, the way men fucking women is. Not seen much of women fucking men either, if you get what I mean.

I also think a lot of the 'attraction' and excitement of previous sexual relationships with men, prior to meeting my DH, were very much driven by an underlying awareness of a sense of threat, pressure and the subconscious perception of myself as part of the sex class and a sex object. This might be going deeper than you were looking for though...

[ClaryIsTheBest]

Yes.

Which is why I used words like you seem to be pretty consistently suggesting and is more likely to...

[PollyPerky]

Claryls To be fair though, my comments have been more like questions and I've included the words 'perhaps','maybe' 'might'.....and I think (without checking) that I have suggested counselling in all the posts.