To think I can't be lesbian if I don't like the idea of sex with a woman

[Bewildered29]

Sorry if this is too much information.

I enjoy the idea of sex with a man. All my sexual encounters have been with men. BUT, I've never been in love with a man. Doubt I ever could be and although I feel sexual attraction for men, there's no emotional feeling there. I would be very surprised if I could ever be in love with a man. Even though I enjoy great friendships with men, and have found men sexually attractive, I've never met a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with or even date.

Women it's the complete opposite.

I'm not as sexually attracted to women. I don't look at a woman and go phwoar! but I have definitely been in love with a woman. When I think of who I want to spend my life with, cuddle on the sofa with, get old with. It's a woman.

But, while I could happily have a woman do 'things' to me, I hate the idea of doing anything back. I hate the look of vaginas and whenever I've met a girl and have started chatting I've always backed away as I just don't think I can do it.

I've been single my entire life except from fleeting relationship with men. I do have a child.

I feel I'm lying to myself saying I'm straight. I don't have any emotional attachment to men.

But then I'm not sure I'm lesbian as I find the idea of having sex with women unpleasant. Sometime so wonder if it's my catholic upbringing coming into play. I was brought up in a staunchly homophobic environment and my parent still hate gay people.

At the moment I class myself as asexual. The way I feel towards makes and females is so different. I don't think I could consider myself bisexual. Also I don't really feel emotional attachment to
Makes so that kind of rules me out of being bisexual too.
So AIBU to say I can't be lesbian and I'm asexual instead?

[Oblomov17]

Tell us more about the love you had for this woman. The love you've had already.

PollyPerky described the love you can have for another woman, as a friend. I am in a friendship group with 3 other women, and I love them to bits, Polly's words described it perfectly. And I am comfortable with this, because I recognise that I need them and value them, but have no sexual desire to women at all.

But you said no, that wasn't it, for you.
You had loved a woman.

So tell us about it: how did you meet, how did you feel? Why aren't you with her now?

But sexually you still don't want to do anything TO a woman. Then THAT is a major concern, surely?

[Oblomov17]

Very interesting.

From Cafe's post: "companionship, affection, and intimacy" from a female.

Aaaahhhh. Now, I ALSO get those/seek those from dh.

I get those from dh. And also from my 'female friends'.

Did you not get those from male's?

[Bewildered29]

The woman I've loved most in my life was a supervisor I had when I worked in my first role.

We just got on great, there wasn't an instant attraction but I certainly fell in love. I got incredibly jealous if she talked about people she'd dated and her exs.

On a staff night out she nudged me and said I'd be exactly what she would go for in a woman. I mean, it doesn't get much mor obvious than that! I just smoked and said nothing. Never saw her again as I moved to a different firm.

It still hurts now.

That's not a friendship love in the slightest. I love my best friend but I don't get jealous if she dates someone as I have no romantic feelings for her.

[Bewildered29]

smiled*

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

Bewildered,
I read your posts with sadness for you that you are not able to find happyness for yourself. But at the same time I am so very glad we live in a culture that has developed to the point where you will not be prosecuted or condemned because of your situation.

I hope that with time you will come to understand yourself better and find what you are looking for.

[PollyPerky]

Unless you had sexual feelings for the supervisor, I'd still say it was a close friendship. IMO and of course it's just an opinion, though a relatively informed opinion, I'd say crushes and love for the same sex are quite common; it's certainly something younger people (teens etc) experience and is well documented in psychology.

The difference between close same sex friendships and being gay is surely that being gay means you have sexual feelings too? That's not to say you can't love someone of the same sex and be jealous if they talk about spending time with other people.

Maybe I'm being simplistic but the things you describe are very intense female friendships but you don't want sex with the women. And on the other hand you've not yet met a man who floats your boat emotionally. I still say you should explore this with counselling because it may be - again, just a guess - that you are not receptive to men in the same way as you are to women, for fear of being hurt or abandoned. Something appears to be holding you back emotionally with men you have met, either because you are a commitment-phobe, or they just haven't been right for you.

[PollyPerky]

On a staff night out she nudged me and said I'd be exactly what she would go for in a woman. I mean, it doesn't get much more obvious than that!

She was straight though? I can imagine saying this though to another woman in a jokey way 'If I were gay, you'd be my type'. But I'd not be serious.

[Bewildered29]

PollyPerky she is openly lesbian.

I don't think it's Friendship. I would have married her if she'd asked!

[PollyPerky]

Why not have some counselling?
If you don't feel sexually attracted to women I don't see how you are a lesbian. I accept that sexuality is on a spectrum and not black and white.
What about your child's father? How did you feel about him? Have you never just met the right man? Is there something about men that just doesn't work for you emotionally? Maybe you need a beta man not an alpha man.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

Can we just accept that the OP was in fact in love with a woman? Insisting that it was close friendship when the OP said it wasn't is disrespectful imo. She says it wasn't just friendship. She's an adult and I'm going to assume that she knows what she felt. These are her feelings and experiences. I don't see how we can doubt that...?

RIght. You are capable of romantic love towards women -> homoromantic, right?

You seem to enjoy/be neutral (?) as far as sexual relations with men are concerned.

I wonder... If you had grown up in a society where relations with the same sex where considered to be normal/the standard. Would you have the feelings of "eh, that's nice, but I don't need it" towards same sex relations? Idk. Just wondering, tbh.

But who knows, maybe you find an other homoromantic woman and it'll be all fine and dandy?

I mean... ok. as I said, I'm bisexual (kinda...). but I'm honestly still surprised I fell in love (genuine romantic love and feelings of partnership and affection) with a man (my now DH...).

But if I fell in love with a woman that didn't/couldn't want to have sex with me... I don't think it would have been a dealbreaker (and I do reallylike sex!).

[ClaryIsTheBest]

What about your child's father? How did you feel about him?

what kind of a point is that? Many homosexual people are able to have sex with people of the opposite sex....

I have had sex with men I didn't love, wasn't attracted to and it certainly wasn't orgasmic in any way. It's not particularly difficult, tbh. Especially if you're convinced that this is normal/you're supposed to do that.

[PollyPerky]

It's a perfectly reasonable question. Of course gay people have children, either through natural conception or assisted. The world's full of them.
I think it's relevant because I'd like to know if they had an emotional relationship. That's all. No need to pounce on it!

[andpropersteel]

My mum and sister were also hugely homophobic (although gay men were ok ). I was always leant more towards lesbianism on the sexuality spectrum (my first kiss was a girl etc) but felt 'dirty' and ashamed at the thought of sex with a woman.

I think you need to address the subconscious after-effects of your upbringing.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

Not pouncing... It's just the combination of this and your other comments where you seem to be pretty consistently suggesting that the OP doesn't know what she felt for that woman and is more likely to have psychological resistance to becoming emotionally close to a man that made all of this rather

[PollyPerky]

Claryls To be fair though, my comments have been more like questions and I've included the words 'perhaps','maybe' 'might'.....and I think (without checking) that I have suggested counselling in all the posts.

[ClaryIsTheBest]

Yes.

Which is why I used words like you seem to be pretty consistently suggesting and is more likely to...

[Klaphat]

I'm another person who has a problem with your posts on this thread, PollyPerky. You definitely seem to want to convince the OP she is heterosexual, for whatever reason.

OP, I can relate in some ways. I would say I am bi, but had/have similar hangups re. having sex with a woman. I'm fairly comfortable to put it down to just not being exposed to lesbian sex when growing up, or even now. It's not normalised in the way heterosexual sex is. Or rather, the way men fucking women is. Not seen much of women fucking men either, if you get what I mean.

I also think a lot of the 'attraction' and excitement of previous sexual relationships with men, prior to meeting my DH, were very much driven by an underlying awareness of a sense of threat, pressure and the subconscious perception of myself as part of the sex class and a sex object. This might be going deeper than you were looking for though...

[ClaryIsTheBest]

polly

You repeatedly suggesting counselling doesn't make it better.

No good therapist would counsel somebody to get rid of romantic feelings towards the same sex.

Unless you're doubting that the OP, an adult woman, knows what she's feeling and was infact in love with a woman....

[joystir59]

OP I am a lesbian, married to a woman, been out and proud for 20 years now; but when I started to come out to myself I didn't feel overtly sexually attracted to women- it was something that lived 'under the surface'. Id experienced the intense feelings of being in love with a woman and with girls when younger, but these feelings were an intense yearning that didn't really become physical. I went on to have boyfriends and was married to a man for a long time.
When I started coming out it began as an inner knowledge that I wanted a sexual connection with someone (marriage had failed at this point) but I didn't want another man. I went out on the gay scene and met women, and sometimes had sexual experiences but still felt I was acting a part and that sexual pleasure was a myth. Then I met the woman I had my first lesbian relationship with- we were together 7 years, and suddenly I knew what desire was. I was overwhelmed with love and desire and everything about sex and love made sense.

I think it is very difficult for lesbians to recognise desire in themselves because of the heterosexual frame of reference we internalise. I suspect reading your posts that you are a lesbian in waiting and that you could try dating some women or going out to lesbian meetups/bars in your local area. Just start to connect with the lesbian scene and see how that feels for you.

[joystir59]

It is common for lesbians to feel intense yearning for other girls and women. Looking back on these feelings as I have experienced them- they included sublimated sexual desire. Growing up when I did there was nothing to inform me about the possibility I was a lesbian in popular literature or on TV. Straight people do not experience this. On this thread I feel that some people are posting theories who don't know what the OP is describing.

[Loopytiles]

Sounds like your dysfunctional upbringing has led to internal homophobia/misogyny/issues with sex.

Why would you "lose everything" by having sexual relationships with a woman? Do you mean that your family would reject you?

[joystir59]

Loopytiles it doesn't take a dysfunctional upbringing to result in internalised homophobia or a sense that one might lose everything by having a sexual relationship with a woman. Being brought up in a heterosexual and homophobic society is enough.

Family members turning against one is still a common experience for gay and lesbian people. Shame and fear have often to be overcome in the coming out process. Gay and lesbian people have to 'come out' every time they start getting to know new people. every time they start a new job etc.

[Caipir1nha]

OP - I think some women who have suffered some form of trauma because of a man may become emotionally shut down to men in general?

When you have had sex with men have you found it satisfying for you, or was it more about trying to fit his expectations?

Sorry if this is too personal a question, but if and when you, er, DIY, what are you focusing on - male, female or either /or?

[Loopytiles]

Your're right, of course, joystir. But it does sound like OP's family and the people around her were very homophobic.

[Oblomov17]

There's absolutely nothing stopping you, OP from either :

1)contacting your old supervisor and telling her exactly how you feel, that you wish you had had the courage to say back then. See if she feels the same/ wants to take it any further.

Then at least you'd know you'd take of her. That will make you feel tonnes better, even if nothing comes of it.

It's flattery. How coujd she be offended? What's the WORST that can happen?

Or 2) trying to find out about her? From fellow contacts/ people she still works with? find out if she's currently single? could there possibly be a relationship?

and then, back to 1)telling her exactly how you feel when you wish to get the courage to say before?


Alongside that, you definitely need to at least think about your sexual side/ the fact you don't want to do anything TO a woman. This needs consideration and thought so that you can decide what to do/how this fits/whether you are ready to enter into a totally lesbian full on relationship.

Is that helpful?