To want him fired

[StupidSlimyGit]

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

Great news, good to read your update. When you do go back to work, hold your head up and try not to think/worry about what your creepy useless colleagues think they have seen ( i know that's easier said than done). Maybe by that time, with head office involvement, they will be well aware it wasn't you. Stay strong x 💐 🐥

At least now you don't feel you owe them any loyalty and that if you want to avoid any work related party thing you can do so with your head held high. If questioned you could always reply with something on the lines of 'I'm a big silly who tends to think other people have the same standards of decency as me. What a silly person I am?!"

Your doing really well, keep going op

Been lurking on your thread but didnt have anything to say that hasnt been said before but I have now

Well done you for not buckling down to them. They should all be ashamed of themselves, especially the so called management. They couldnt manage themselves out of a paper bag!

Dont let the bastards get you down, you have nothing to be ashamed of, they certainly have.

I am glad you have someone willing to speak up for your dh its appaling that they have dragged him into this on a trumped up charge.

Hold your head high, and make them apologise and grovel for their ineptitude. I am not one for 'blame culture' at the drop of a hat but I would sue the pants off them for all the stress they have caused you and your dh and for trying to force you both out of a job.

Well done for keeping on with this, you should be very proud of yourself.

'I'm a big silly who tends to think other people have the same standards of decency as me. What a silly person I am?!" Geek I love this and am definitely going to use it. Having something rehearsed and ready in my head always makes it easier for me to face the what ifs!
Thankyou once again everyone. You are all lovely and have been so much support. I still haven't heard anything from the investigating manager but the git in question followed me round the shop when I popped in for some shopping yesterday I have sent an email about it to them because he had no reason to be anywhere near me. His department is at the opposite end of store to what I was buying and it will show on cctv that he hung round at the end of the isle for no reason. So angry that he is now trying to intimidate me on top of everything else!

I'm glad you've found it useful! Mind you I'm not surprised he's pulling that stunt because he knows your onto him - he's scared.
In terms of retorts, you'll have more of an effect with a smile and light tone of voice rather than being angry - but a 'neutral AI' smile.

Think being polite and courteous while mentally and verbally using them as a human knife block. I believe you can be polite to people while simultaneously showing you have no respect for them - I have had practice on this many times...

I'm surprised he is risking such obvious intimidation where there are cameras while he is under investigation, it will only go against him.
I know exactly what you mean about a smile and light tone. I'm going to have to be civil anyway as I still have to work with these people and working in a customer facing role means that thankfully I have an expert smile at ando be polite to assholes face. Had some good news today aswell at least so that was much needed!

Well if he is on camera following you around he is just digging himself a bigger hole, good for him the idiot.

KBO you are doing fab to stand up to this shower of crap management and worse than useless unions, and staff.

Keep us posted please, we want to revel in their downfall (and not the least bit ashamed of that admission ) and your triumph.

If this was a men's site, you'd have post after post of people willing to wait for him after work and beat the living crap out of him.

He is so out of order, that even the army would bollock him to high heaven with even half of this.

He is so out of order, if you'd told me he'd had his hands cut off, i'd struggle really hard to understand why that wasn't appropriate. What a fucking unmitigated cunt.

HR are cowards. Managers are weak. You however are amazingly strong, and i am in awe. Of course you are right to pursue this, and if you want it, it's an easy civil action

The police are wrong. These are sexual offenses. It's extremely clear that they are. His behaviour is utterly psychopathic and what you'd politely call 'problematic'.

Yes he needs fired, yes he needs police to be aware. He is fixated on belittling and dehumanising women, and that means his behaviour needs addressed. Sharp. Without remorse.

Awesome you for grabbing this issue by the balls

I repeat, he is a cunt.

What a horrible little fucker he is .

the git in question followed me round the shop when I popped in for some shopping yesterday ... I have sent an email about it to them

How stupid must he be? Good that you immediately logged it; he won't be able to deny it now (and I see that there is CCTV as well).

Keep strong, OP.

Find a photo of a micropenis and show everyone the dick pic he sent you. I am very petty and immature though.

Wow, I really feel for you. This is bullying and harassment and not just by that slimpy twerp. Stand your ground, and get this dealt with.

Also do not feel bad about the pictures, they arent you. so try to put thoughts like that out of your mind.

I wish you luck and I hope this will all be over for you soon.

I like MaudLyn suggestion .

I would put an immediate request in writing for a copy of the footage so it can't accidently disappear.

Just

@stupidslimygit hope you're having a better day. I've Nothing to add to the advice up thread but wanted to let you know I think you're doing a great job of not letting the bastards get you down.

Name change fail op, report your post to MN and they can edit

Oops, I had already reported it but thankyou for that

We have had a long discussion between DP and I over who gets to beat him up. DP thinks as the man he should get to defend his woman I think soon as I'm the one it happened to, I hit harder, and DPs argument is sexist bollocks. (he isn't usually sexist hmm) it is however a fantasy we wont actually touch him, we have the moral and legal high ground here and however satisfying it would be I don't want to lose it.

LOVE the micropenis idea gave me a really good giggle that said it would make me as bad as him, and again with moral/legal high ground. The hr manager dealing with it was lovely and horrified because it was so clear in the conversation that I was not encouraging him. Plus he said if I sent pictures to him he would "send in return" and apparently according to the other women he has tried this with this is his standard tactic so having a photo of him could easily back up his statement instead of mine IYSWIM?

There's no danger of the CCTV going missing, the system backs up remotely and our security team are the only ones with access to the remote backup so if anything went off the stores copy head office would request a copy from the security team. They would then have video evidence of someone tampering with CCTV which is an instant dismissal because you could be covering for a theft.

Thankyou again everyone, running on the sleep my 6 month old lets me have so I have to admit the support has more than once made me teary. Hope everyone's having a wonderful week

If this is a big national chain then totally bypass local management and go straight to their main HR department. Similarly bypass the local Union Rep and ask for someone more senior and less locally involved to be your support. Tell the Union that it is a sensitive issue and that you would rather it was not handled by the local rep.

Sorry it has been so long since I updated. I just wanted to say a massive thankyou to you all for the support and tell you that the git in question has been given formal warnings, put on special measures and is not allowed to work in a 1-1 situation with any female staff member/customer.
I do however have some less good news, when he was pulled up into the office for the formal investigation he produced messages from my daughters father telling him how we were in an open relationship and that I would like it if he sent messages like that to me. Turns out her dad has been messing round with one of the cleaners and to stop everyone running straight to me has been telling a lot of people about our fucking "open relationship". The store manager has come to me and apologised, apparently she fucking knew and that's why she didn't do anything formal.
He doesn't know I know, I can't breathe let alone think straight so I haven't done anything about it yet. Feel sick.

So more evidence that your misogynistic workplace has a culture of believing someone with a penis over a female employee.

Unless your manager is willing to take steps to change the culture there her apology means nothing.

They are STILL treating you appallingly.

My poor love

What a horrific out turn this has been.

Please be very very kind to yourself