To want him fired

[StupidSlimyGit]

I've name changed for this as it could be very identifying and it's going to be a long one sorry. I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable but want some advice.
I work for a very large retail company in one of their smallish stores as does my DP, we have maybe around 100 colleagues at most and I always thought it was a pretty friendly place to work.
I've not long had a baby, back when I was pregnant my dp had a wobble and we took a break so we could both decide what we wanted, we are back together now and have been happily so for several months. When I was about 6 months pregnant a colleague I don't know very well but who I shd worked with on occasion added me on facebook and sent me some very explicit messages. Also asked for photos of me baked, holding my boobs, in a nightie etc. I laughed the whole thing off, made fun of him for asking and blocked him from messaging me. He made it very clear in these messages he had been looking at my breasts while I was working and I found it very uncomfortable to work around him after that. I didn't report it because said colleague was recently married and had a baby of his own a few weeks old at home aswell as another child and I felt guilty that I could ruin his life. My dp when we got back together noticed how uncomfortable I was and asked about it, then, when told about the messages, went to see our stores manager without my permission who called me into her office to discuss it. I showed her the messages and discussed it but didn't put in a formal complaint as I didn't want it to end up with him fired and his wife and children in trouble financially. It was agreed that the manager would have a talk with him about appropriate behaviour, warn him that if anything like this happened again he would be in trouble, then we could all move on with our lives. That was then done. I have wondered whether I should tell his wife but not done so because I don't know if it's my place?
Since then I've found out that he has done this to other women where I work, including making one so uncomfortable she has quit her job. I have been very unsure since then on whether I made the right decision, should I have taken the offer of a formal disciplinary to make sure he knows he can't get away with it even if it meant he might have been fired?
Since then I've had my baby and noticed when I go in to do my shopping tiny town, only really one option to shop plus I get staff discount there is a real atmosphere when I'm around the team he works with and people he talks to a lot. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and am visibly shunned when I'm there which has made my preexisting anxiety worse and has made returning to work at the end of my maternity leave seem terrifying.
Today when shopping several people sniggered as I walked past, and I got up the courage to ask someone I'm friends with and can trust if she had heard anything. She admitted that everyone has heard about me and him sexting while I was pregnant and the naked photos I sent to him, apparently he has even shown some of the boys the photos!!!! I didn't send anything so they can't be me and certainly haven't engaged in sexting, I still have the conversation on my phone to prove it. Now I was single at the time, so it isn't like it could ruin my life, and my DP has seen the conversation between me and colleague on my phone so he knows nothing went on anyway, but I feel like my reputation is in shreds. I've been trying not to cry since I got home and I'm shaking knowing what they think of me and what bits of me some of the male colleagues think they have seen. I have agoraphobia and it's taken me so long to get into work and think of it as one of my safe zones, now I'm trembling at the thought of going back. I want to be sick.
DP and I can't afford for me not to work, so I cant just quit till I find something else, but I don't know what to do now. WIBU to go back to my manager, tell her what is being said and demand he has some serious repercussions? What about going to head office and requesting an internal investigation hopefully leading to him being moved/fired?
I feel guilty because it would be horrible for his wife to find out this way and I keep thinking about his kids but surely he is the one in the wrong? Should I tell his wife?
Sorry for length I'm trying not to drip feed.

Had a lovely phone call from my hr area manager who had spoken to my store manager.
Do I "not remember" telling them they could handle it informally? She was really snappy and aggressive over the phone with me apparently if I'm "sure" I "have to make a fuss" about it they will send me a fair treatment form to fill in so that they can do an investigation. should this not be a bullying or harassment form?
Although she did stress this would be very hard for me as I will have to go in regularly while it's being done and I wont be able to take DD. Great if my family didn't live a 2 hour drive away!
I've said to send the form anyway but I have a feeling this is their way of saying they wont deal with it. I'm going to give them a chance though before I call the nice guy again.
DP has been given a formal warning because of a complaint by another member of staff today, only the member of staff who supposedly made the complaint is a friend and has phoned me in tears this afternoon because she doesn't know why they are saying she has complained she hasn't said anything so he has to try get that sorted. It really feels like they are punishing us for trying to get this sorted.
Should I ask about the whistleblower information in store or put it in writing/contact head office?
Noone will step forward formally about what they have witnessed because of the redundancies everyone's terrified it will be them next and my DPs sudden complaint without anyone behind it has just scared them more. Doesn't help they have now decided my DP cannot be a witness because we are together!
Revenge porn is illegal but because he hasn't sent the messages to anyone just shown them round his friends it doesn't fall under this. Plus the police officer I spoke to was adamant that because I know they can't be of me it wouldn't be worth investigating.
I hadn't thought of him continuing obviously incredibly naïve I will definitely say I want him moved. There are several stores closer to his home and he drives so it wouldn't even be putting him out where i cant get to any others. Should I wait for the meeting to say this or call head office back?
I understand the suggestions to contact the press, and if I have to leave the job it will be my first port of call, but we sign when we sign our contracts to say we wont cause the company and public disrepute, there's a whole thing in their about social media, newspapers etc, it's gross misconduct and instant dismissal if I do go public so it would be counter productive for me really. This is one of the main reasons I've been so vague about the company I work for.
Sorry for more questions and thankyou everyone for the support and advice! I honestly don't think I would have done anything without you all.

First thing you need to do is get a hold of the complaints procedure from them/the web if possible. If the nice guy was correct it will state in there that they should have investigated. If so, ask for a copy of that. Secondly point out that whilst initially you agreed to informal, they clearly haven't dealt with it, therefore you have no choice but to make it formal - put it back onto them.

Separate your DP's issue from your for the time being, although they're most probably linked. Its not uncommon for them to ignore a partner's testimony however he can be used as a witness for the distress its caused you, if not for the facts of a situation.

Contact that guy in head office as he's the only one doing his job ASAP. Explain exactly what the area manager said about ' making a fuss' and how unsupported you feel. I'm incredulous as to how unbelievably crap your two female managers have been over this. Ask his advice on what you do next as I wouldn't have much faith in your area manager.
What is their problem? Why are they not trying to support and discipline this creep??

What a bitch!

Email the helpful guy a record of the conversation and see what he suggests.

KoKo OP. What a shitty time you're having. I think you are absolutely right to pursue this. Best of luck.

Right, please pleas please for the love of god submit the grievance on Monday. In it you can list: bullying, harassment, intimidation, sexism, not following ACAS procedure when speaking with you.

Then a separate letter you send is a Subject Access Request form (Google subject access request template). This means you submit to your employers a letter asking them to forward to you copies of all emails, handwritten notes and all correspondence where you are discussed. You know the date when everything kicked off, so ask for the files to commence from at least one month before that date up to present day. They have 40 days in which to provide you with this information. They are also within their rights to charge you for this however, the maximum they can bill you is £10.

At this point they'll realise that you are on the ball and mean business - you are after all following a correct procedure (plus anything incriminating in those emails where you were discussed you can be used in an employment tribunal) and they will probably call you into a meeting and ask "how do you want this resolved?". At this point you do not say you want the guy fired or moved to another store location - what your employers actually mean is "Ok, how much money do you want to bugger off, leave us alone and not go to Tribunal or the press?". This is the point you tell them that you would like to negotiate a Settlement Agreement whereby for X amount of cash, you will sign a confidentially agreement ending your contract with your employers. Stipulate you want good written and verbal references and that you are to be able to tell future employers that you decided to leave your old employers - you will not be allowed to tell future employers about the Settlement Agreement as it will be a breach of contract and they would be within their rights to claw that settlement money back from you. That is of course if you do want to leave your employers. When telling them your settlement agreement figure always go higher than you actually want as they will knock you down.

All employment lawyers offer a free 15 minute initial consultation. Please call a few and see what they say.

I'm actually incredibly surprised your Union Rep hasn't told you to submit these two incredibly important letters. Your Union person sounds dire.

Others have advised on your situation and it's good advice. Mine is for your dp.

Is he in the union? If so he needs to speak to them.
He needs to appeal the warning. Put in writing as soon as possible and send a copy to hr and head office. He needs to include this

BerylStreep

If I was your DP, I would be formally asking if there is any connection between this 'review' of his work and the warningand the fact he was a whistleblower in relation to sexual harassment in the workplace.

from beryl earlier but updated.

He needs to request a copy of the complaints policy and the disciplinary policy. He also needs a copy of his investigation meeting notes, witness statements, and anything related to the investigation. He also needs to ensure his notes from when he and his rep questioned the witnesses.

If the process hasn't been followed properly it will add weight to his question about being persecuted for whistle blowing.

If it helps- I know many people who have challenged shit management in supermarkets and still work for them. On the whole they have a fairly quiet life as people have learned to be fair.

Your dp needs to fire a warning shot now before it gets worse.

So I've found out the problem with my HR area manager is that she is actually my stores HR manager. They are the same person and she is one of the ones who goes out drinking together in a group hence why she doesn't want it sorting.
Store manager grabbed my dp the other day when he went in and told him that they will now be formally investigating my conduct because in response to my complaint he has made his own. They wont say what he has claimed just that there is now an investigation which I will have to come into store for if I want to tell my side of the story. They are going to fire me aren't they
I had a break down last week after two horrible people started on me on my bus home from my MH appointment last straw really and have been barely out of bed since apart from to make DD her bottles and bath her etc. She at least seems to be enjoying playing on the bed or being read to all day every day. My doctor and MH team have written letters explaining how this is affecting me but I don't know if I should send them to the store and risk them "going missing" or try sending them to head office. Any ideas?
I've requested the subject access but had no response yet although HR manager did mention in passing to my DP that she is seeing what she's allowed to show me if anything what do I do if she doesn't let me have access? Who do I report it to?

She shouldn't be discussing ANY of this with your DH report her now.

They are setting themselves up for you to sue for constructive dismissal!!!!

Go to head office HR.

What an awful thing you are going through. I was lurking because I know nothing about this, but try keeping in mind that, if you are fired, you can sue for another reason. I cannot even begin to imagine the stress you are going through; unfortunately, that's what the businesses count on.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Store manager grabbed my dp the other day when he went in and told him that they will now be formally investigating my conduct because in response to my complaint he has made his own.

Wow. They're pretty stupid. You need to add this to the complaint! Regardless of him bring your DP they cannot discuss your situation with other members of staff!

The letters from Doctor and MH, you should photo copy and send to store manager AND Head Office with a covering letter stating just that. So both parties know the other has seen it. I'd probably keep the originals. Just incase.

OP this is awful. I think you need to keep referring back to head office. Everyone locally us obviously in this man's pocket. It's disgusting.

Jesus OP this is being so badly managed. Report the whole lot to head office including what your DH is going through with the false complaint. It's clear that local management has gone very wrong.

I have absolutely no words of advice, other than what other posters have already said, but wanted to send you OP - you're not alone.

Have you submitted a grievance yet? If not, you need to do so as soon as possible.

Thankyou again everyone for the support and advice. I don't know what I would have done without you all.

I've written a letter outlining what's happened, I'm going to put up the points in it here in the hopes if I've missed anything you lovely people will notice

1. Sexual harassment by colleague
2. Harassment not investigated by management.
3. Harassment dealt with quietly and informally with my consent
4. Colleague spreads lies about me round store and shows people photos claiming they are me
5. Manager says she cannot deal with these lies because it is "hearsay"
6. Manager says cannot revisit initial complaint because its been "dealt with"
7. DPs review and complaint
8. Aggressive phone call by HR manager
9. Discussing case with my DP without my permission
10. My conduct being investigated because of "counter complaint"
11. Impact this is all having on my mental health.

Thankyou everyone again for your help, I would have just left without you all, can't express how grateful I am!

Good grief, what a catalogue of utter cock ups. I'm so sorry you've been so let down, at my place that man would've been long gone. It's really not you and I hope things take a turn for the better - hang in there.

If they don't disclose hat they should under your subject access request, you go to the ICO to report (information Commissioners Office) they gave a good website. Likewise, her disclosure of information to your dh could be a breach of DPA.

I really wouldn't deal with the HR person in store since her language on the phone was so negative and dismissive ("making a fuss"). She clearly isn't taking this seriously. Are phone calls taped I wonder?

Hope you're OK

Gosh - what scumballs!

I would at the very least have it put on his record as a grievance as if something happens again he will be dismissed immediately if you don't want him to lose his job this time. Big company means thinks speed like wildfire and the truth often is forgotten In retelling as it makes its way round

So shocked by this.

What a predatory creep to do this to you. And what an absolute bunch of cunts you and your DP work with. He must have something on your manager i think.

As for the press they might well be interested actually if you wanted to go down that route.

Because its proof that these revenge porn laws arent robust enough.

If someone can get away with posting images that arent you but just SAYING its you then the effect of it and distress is the same yet he cant be prosecuted for it?!

So he has found a way to circumnavigate the revenge porn law.