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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to brother's wedding?

164 replies

persicaria · 09/03/2017 11:19

I have NC for this. 'D'B and me have never been close - he had MH problems in the past, can be manipulative and PA. He has always been very hard to please. His wedding to long term girlfriend will be in May this year. We told them we had to decline the invitation, but the reason is because of the cost - hotel for 2 nights for 4 people, travel and food expenses, boarding costs of pets, unpaid leave for me and OH, all coming in at about £700, which we have not got to spare. That money doesn't include outfits or presents.

We told them we could not get time off work, and did not tell them the real reason is money which it would be embarrassing and we think it is private and are not comfortable with talking about it with them because they are minted compared to us, incase they offered to pay some of our costs. In the past this has happened over something different DB wanted me to do and he never actually gave me any repayment money it was just words. Shame on me for that, and I learned my lesson.

StbSIL has now rung me with all guns blazing calling us liars and selfish and we have hurt them. I have discovered that because of my child care experience I was going to have to be unofficial and unpaid nanny on the day to the bride and groom's DC x 2 and another child. So I think it's because we have spoilt their plans for a carefree day. Being unpaid is not our issue, though. It's that B&G are so angry when all we have done is politely let them know. We are shocked and surprised to say the least. What right does anyone have to be like this or try to make us change our mind? They are acting like we have committed a crime.

OP posts:

AuroraBora · 09/03/2017 15:44

littlefrog read the first sentence as it should be read, a full sentence: "700 pound isn't a lot if it include 3 days of unpaid leave"

She's saying the OP's costs could easily reach £700 if she takes into account unpaid leave. Which is true.

5foot5 · 09/03/2017 15:45

littlefrog
*Mrs mortis said £700 isn't a lot

So yes, she DID say it's a small sum.*

If I said £50,000 isn't a lot for a house that would be true (these days) but obviously I still think £50,000 is a lot of money! Context is everything.

I think you are reading it wrong

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 15:45

If everyone else is reading it differently, it must be me that's thick!

Apologies to that poster if I am wrong,

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 15:45

I think it means 'it's not surprising that it might add up to £700 when you consider that even at minimum wage that would be...' blah blah blah.

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 15:46

Must be me reading it wrong then. Apologies to mrs mortis.

User543212345 · 09/03/2017 15:47

Can you change "£700 isn't a lot" to "It isn't hard to reach £700" in the first sentence - it retains the meaning of what was said but without what you're taking to be her saying £700 is a small sum of money.

TempusEedjit · 09/03/2017 15:47

I also read the '£700 isn't a lot' as in a badly worded 'not so high that it's over-inflated' , not that £700 is an insignificant sum. The context of the rest of the sentence explains the sentiment.

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 16:02

The sentence needs to be read in its entirety if its going to be understood properly.

You miss the part that also says: if it include 3 days of unpaid leave

Thus:

£700 is not a lot [as a total figure] if it include 3 days of unpaid leave.

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 16:02

X-post.

ElvishArchdruid · 09/03/2017 16:06

Weddings are super stressful times, yes it's a bit cheeky, well quite a bit cheeky, to have you lined up as nuptial nanny, without even thinking to ask you.

It's a failing on their part, if they're so loaded why can't they get a children's entertainer slash childcare assistant to cover this. Unless you agreed prior I'd be annoyed at shelling out all that money to have no fun, because you're in charge of certain children that aren't your own.

It sounds like things are really strained, you don't want to go, stick to your guns. Hopefully your parents aren't like the WelshCastlePrincessesAunt and back you up on it.

To be fair I would expect if I had a role that was important during the day, childcare at a wedding is something that the bride and groom to be, see as important. They should have met all costs apart from outfits and a present.

So stick to your guns, don't give it anymore attention. If your parents bring it up, highlight again that you can't get the time off. I've been to weddings that were Friday to Sunday affairs, relatives and friends that were teachers just could not make the Friday. It goes without saying. In some businesses you have peak times, especially in some professions, so it's not as simple as pulling a sickie, which would look dodgy anyway after you've requested the holiday. (Even though I know you haven't, but SIL to be doesn't know that.)

Please don't give them the attention they crave. Ignore texts and calls. The message will soon get across.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2017 16:09

"I just feel we can't win here. There is so much hostility, I guess they don't like being stood up to."
Nail on the head. Your brother is a manipulator, pissed that he's not getting his own way.

You don't want to go. Bloody hell, I wouldn't want to go! So don't go, and don't feel bad about it. Your SIL-to-be is one cheeky fucker for having a go at you. And as has been pointed out, so what if you 'lied' to them, they lied first by pretending they were inviting you to their wedding, when in fact they were inviting you to be a skivvy for the day; which would preclude you from actually attending the festivities. So fuck 'em. You're not close, you said so in your OP. You're losing nothing by not going. And saving a shed-load of cash. Result!

(I actually don't consider you lied. You just gave them the discreet/polite version of the truth. You can't get time off work, because you can't afford to take that time unpaid, and even if you could afford it they're not worth it . )

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/03/2017 17:28

harleysmammy
You will NEVER get that opportunity back, whether you like him or not.

I disagree, wankers like this will always treat you like shit, so there will be plenty of opportunities for the brother and his wife to be an absolute arsehole.

MaterEstIratus · 09/03/2017 17:30

It's not a lie per se. You can't get the time off...without losing a lot of money. It was a bit of an omission but not a lie...

Whileweareonthesubject · 09/03/2017 18:44

I can also imagine that taking a days unpaid leave could be quite costly. I'm a ta and am paid for 39 weeks work, plus 5 weeks holiday per annum. My salary is spread out evenly over 12 months - easier for payroll than having to adjust every month according to actual hours worked. However, if I have to take unpaid leave for any reason, it is (rightly) deducted from my salary at the normal hourly rate, so appears to be more than I actually get paid for that number of hours. This can make a big difference to the amount you receive on pay that month. Last time I had to take a half day unpaid, for a family funeral, it felt as though I'd actually been stopped about an hour or so too much, it was correct, but felt like it. If op or her dhis in a similar position, that would also add to the amount it's costing her to go. In the circumstances she's described, I wouldn't go either.
for you OP

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