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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to brother's wedding?

164 replies

persicaria · 09/03/2017 11:19

I have NC for this. 'D'B and me have never been close - he had MH problems in the past, can be manipulative and PA. He has always been very hard to please. His wedding to long term girlfriend will be in May this year. We told them we had to decline the invitation, but the reason is because of the cost - hotel for 2 nights for 4 people, travel and food expenses, boarding costs of pets, unpaid leave for me and OH, all coming in at about £700, which we have not got to spare. That money doesn't include outfits or presents.

We told them we could not get time off work, and did not tell them the real reason is money which it would be embarrassing and we think it is private and are not comfortable with talking about it with them because they are minted compared to us, incase they offered to pay some of our costs. In the past this has happened over something different DB wanted me to do and he never actually gave me any repayment money it was just words. Shame on me for that, and I learned my lesson.

StbSIL has now rung me with all guns blazing calling us liars and selfish and we have hurt them. I have discovered that because of my child care experience I was going to have to be unofficial and unpaid nanny on the day to the bride and groom's DC x 2 and another child. So I think it's because we have spoilt their plans for a carefree day. Being unpaid is not our issue, though. It's that B&G are so angry when all we have done is politely let them know. We are shocked and surprised to say the least. What right does anyone have to be like this or try to make us change our mind? They are acting like we have committed a crime. Confused

OP posts:
GoodDayToYou · 09/03/2017 14:01

"Regret cannot attend. Hope you have a lovely day"
I agree with Lenina. Less is more with these things.

PlumsGalore · 09/03/2017 14:08

You have declined, you don't really like them anyway.

Think no more about it and treat yourself to a takeaway and a bottle of fizz on the day and raise a glass to them, from home, with your Chinese on your lap.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/03/2017 14:08

Tbh if DB was willing to lay I would just have him transfer the money or book things for you to help so he can't wangle out later.

However, not asking you to help out with the kids but expecting it would have nailed that coffin for me. I would still be polite and say honestly, we really can't do it but would love to be there yada yada to keep the peace for the family.

empirerecordsrocked · 09/03/2017 14:08

You obviously don't want to go so don't. You could go for 1 night and stay in a travel lodge or b&b for £100 or under. 4 hours doesn't need two nights and £700.

Willow2017 · 09/03/2017 14:21

OP was expected to fork out £700 plus outfits plus present for the privilege of being an unpaid childminder, and not even told she was expected to do this?

Sod that, nobody, family or otherwise should be allowed to treat you like that and everyone say 'Oh but he is your db its fine' . Bollicking her on the phone because they now have to parent their own kids??

And not even going for one day would make it fine after the way they have treated her. "We expected you to be so greatful you have travelled 4 hours and paid out good money on a hotel, clothes and present, lost wages, paid for kennels just to be at our wedding we thought you could easily sit out and mind the kids while the rest of us have a good time"...people think thats ok,really?

Nope just no, no, no. Tell them to jog on. He has let you down repeatedly in the past you owe him nothing. "Sorry we are not coming, have a nice day" and disengage.

bigbuttons · 09/03/2017 14:22

empirerecordsrocked why can't you be bothered to read the thread?

EchoesofEmpires · 09/03/2017 14:23

Lying is not always a bad idea, it's often a great idea when you're dealing with twats like the OP's SIL. I can't believe the number of sanctimonious pps here who've never in their lives fudged the truth whether it's about going to an event they don't particularly want to go to or just to spare someone's feelings. And it's not like OP outright lied, it is to do with work, i.e. If she doesn't work she doesn't get paid which is factored into the costs of this wedding for those wondering why it's £700 - it's not just the cost of the accommodation, travel, clothes etc it's also loss of earnings. IL. Also since the DB has in the past let her down in not covering expenses when he's indicated he would, I totally get why OP doesn't want to tell him it's about money, he might say he'll help out but given this pair is too cheap to get professional paid childcare at their wedding I wouldn't be confident about him coming through after the fact. And, again, which bit of 'we're only inviting you to get unpaid childcare?' deserves any answer but No? If OP hadn't declined before that I'd definitely advise her to tell her SIL to get stuffed.

Stick to your guns OP, you've declined the invitation, you gave an acceptable reason and the only unreasonable person here is your SIL for not gracefully accepting that you will be unable to attend.

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 14:23

empire, it sounds as though you've done extensive research into where the OP needs to travel to and needs to stay, and the hotel costs for those nights.

As well, of course, as having (through the miracle of psychic powers?) better information than the OP on the details of how much she and her DH will lose in lost earnings, travel costs and pet boarding.

thisgirlrides · 09/03/2017 14:35

I agree totally that the op shouldn't go if she doesn't have a good relationship with dbro or his fiancée, however I think hiding behind overinflated costings is likely to get their back up. We went to dbil wedding last year a 5 hour trip (and we're both self-employed so know only too well the extra burden off time off) and spent less than £200 by leaving early in the morning in time for wedding, staying 1 night in a cheapie hotel (in an expensive city so they do exist)about £80 on fuel plus breakfast the next day before driving straight home the next morning to collect dog from kennels. I assumed you were going abroad when you said you had to take 2 days Hmm

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 14:51

overinflated costings

Are people really still banging this drum? Hmm

thisgirl, genuine question, have you actually read/understood all the stuff about kennels and lost earnings? Have you understood what the OP has said about hotel costs in the area they're going to? Have you comprehended that they have to stay two nights because of the distance and driving? (it doesn't matter a tiny bit how early YOU got up in the morning to avoid staying two nights; the OP has made a different decision for her own reasons).

Willow2017 · 09/03/2017 14:54

thisgirl
Just because you went somewhere there is a cheap hotel doesnt mean everyone has their wedding near a cheap hotel!

You dont know what the op does for a living, you dont know how much they will lose out not working, you dont know how much the kennels charge and you dont know how much the hotel they probably are expected to stay in costs.

Have you read the thread on here where someone was expected to pay nearly £200 a night for a room just for the privilege of going to someones wedding? And they were expected to stay 3 days!

Her db is not reliabe, has lied to op before and his oh went ape shit because op doesnt want to be their unpaid childminder at their wedding, why on earth would she still want to go?

User543212345 · 09/03/2017 14:56

To miss a sibling's wedding, you would need to give a reason, that's to be expected

Not at all, it depends on the dysfunctionality of the family. I haven't given a reason for missing my sibling's wedding as I know that whatever reason I give will be deemed Not Good Enough (as I expect is the case with the OP). By saying I'm unable to go and not elaborating/moving on that point I'm closing down the discussion on how I should change things in order to fit it in when there's no way I'm going anyway.

EchoesofEmpires · 09/03/2017 14:57

Sapphire I have no more idea of the OP's itinerary and actual costs than anyone else. I don't have to do any extensive research however to know from experience how much the hidden costs - thisgirl please note -can mount up for a 2 day trip anywhere for any reason.
Let's say:
£80 fuel
£70 travelodge or similar for 1 night (since so many are adamant it should be one night only)
£50 kennels (guessing here)
£50 meals for family during trip and stay (not at actual wedding)
£400 Loss of average-ish earnings x2 people for 2 days

I make that £650 without factoring in wedding gift, outfits etc, so OP is hardly overinflating with her guesstimate of around £700.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/03/2017 15:02

thisgirlrides so you spent less than £120 on hotel for 2 adults 2 dc and dog boarding? That sounds insanely cheap!

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 15:06

EchoesofEmpire, I was talking to empirerecordsrocked, not you! I agree with you.

EchoesofEmpires · 09/03/2017 15:15

Sapphire Sorry! I missed the pp with the other imperialist username and opposing viewpoint. Blush

5foot5 · 09/03/2017 15:18

I just can't imagine not attending one of my siblings weddings, even if I could only get to see the I do bit.

We turned down an invitation to BILs wedding because it coincided with our family holiday.

And before you jump up and down in outrage:

  1. They gave us very little notice they intended to get married, less than 3 months IIRC.
  1. This wasn't just a fortnight in Bognor we had booked. This was a very special holiday which we had been planning and saving up for for a long time. By that stage we had booked and paid for most of it and if we had cancelled we would have lost a great deal of money. And yes we did have insurance but insurance might pay out for a death in the family but not a wedding!
  1. We did investigate changing our return flights so as to come home 3 days early so we could attend but it would have cost an additional £800.

We got on fine with BIL/SIL and it was a shame we missed it but honestly, we were not prepared to miss out on this longed for holiday and say goodbye to £1000s of pounds just because he wanted to get married in a hurry.

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 15:21

No worries, Echoes! Grin

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 15:22

700 pound isn't a lot if it include 3 days of unpaid leave. Even at minimum wage that would be 180 pounds for one person. OP says that both she and DH would have to take it. so that's nearly 360 pounds. On the assumption that at least one of them earns more than minimum wage you can see how it mounts up.

Ooooooooh, it must be sooooooo great being rich 'Mrs Mortis!' Losing £700 is nothing to you (CLEARLY) but to many people a £700 loss in income could mean not paying your bills and mortgage for a month. What a grossly offensive post!

5foot5 · 09/03/2017 15:34

littlefrog I don't think Mrs Mortis is saying that she considers £700 to be a small sum. I believe she is demonstrating that it is easy to believe that this jaunt would cost the OP £700 at least. In fact, that £700 might be a conservative estimate of how much it would cost them.

Nothing in the lease offensive about that!

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 15:38

littlefrog - I read that as meaning the £700 was a figure easily reachable and that those saying £700 was high for a couple of days were not thinking it through?

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 15:40

5foot5

Mrs mortis said £700 isn't a lot

So yes, she DID say it's a small sum.

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 15:41

No, it means the opposite. you can see how it mounts up is the main indicator of that.

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 15:41

That's how i am reading it anyway Confused

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 15:43

Well I'm confused because she said '£700 isn't a lot.' Which suggests she thinks it's a small sum to lose.