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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to brother's wedding?

164 replies

persicaria · 09/03/2017 11:19

I have NC for this. 'D'B and me have never been close - he had MH problems in the past, can be manipulative and PA. He has always been very hard to please. His wedding to long term girlfriend will be in May this year. We told them we had to decline the invitation, but the reason is because of the cost - hotel for 2 nights for 4 people, travel and food expenses, boarding costs of pets, unpaid leave for me and OH, all coming in at about £700, which we have not got to spare. That money doesn't include outfits or presents.

We told them we could not get time off work, and did not tell them the real reason is money which it would be embarrassing and we think it is private and are not comfortable with talking about it with them because they are minted compared to us, incase they offered to pay some of our costs. In the past this has happened over something different DB wanted me to do and he never actually gave me any repayment money it was just words. Shame on me for that, and I learned my lesson.

StbSIL has now rung me with all guns blazing calling us liars and selfish and we have hurt them. I have discovered that because of my child care experience I was going to have to be unofficial and unpaid nanny on the day to the bride and groom's DC x 2 and another child. So I think it's because we have spoilt their plans for a carefree day. Being unpaid is not our issue, though. It's that B&G are so angry when all we have done is politely let them know. We are shocked and surprised to say the least. What right does anyone have to be like this or try to make us change our mind? They are acting like we have committed a crime. Confused

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 09/03/2017 11:55

Oh never mind, x post. You give the impression even if holidays and money weren't an issue you'd rather not go? I don't think yabu if you're not close and it's genuinely a lot of hassle and expense, but I don't think they are bu to be offended either. They are bu expecting you to do childcare though. Now that's definitely a genuine reason not to bother!

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 11:55

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong! Why SHOULD she go if she doesn't want to? In addition, why should she and her DH have unpaid leave, and spend a fortune on the wedding/hotel/travel etc??? (I gather £700 is including the time lost at work.)

Why SHOULD she go to the wedding of a sibling (who she doesn't get on with anyway!) and who has such a horrible wife-to-be. (And she sounds like a precious 'entitled-to' diva to me the SIL to be!)

And in addition, the OP would have been an unpaid childminder.

As most people have said on here, fuck 'em. The OP owes her brother and SIL fuck-all. The SIL had no right to have a go at her.

LagunaBubbles · 09/03/2017 11:56

Nothing wrong with not wanting to or being able to go but I think you made it worse for yourselves by making up something.

HilairHilair · 09/03/2017 11:56

and it would mean I would be away from the wedding party for much of the day

Unpaid nanny?! They are taking the p*

It's a pity you have to miss your sibling's wedding though. THat's a shame.

Are your parents alive? Can they help?

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2017 11:57

How has she found out that you're telling lies?

Did someone else tip her off perhaps?

Charlesroi · 09/03/2017 11:58

They're angry because they thought they could get you to pay £700 to be their babysitter.
You declining the invite has made things a little inconvenient for them.

I would extend an olive branch in the form of a tacky wedding card and a £10 Argos voucher though. Don't want these things to fester, do we?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/03/2017 12:01

They sound horrible and you are absolutely right to decline. What a cheek, expecting you to be the unpaid childcare!

HollywoodStunt · 09/03/2017 12:01

What right does anyone have to be like this

None, but you're a relative and familiarity breeds contempt.
Fwiw my sister deliberately set things up so that I couldn't attend her wedding as she didn't want me there. She held it at a place she knew I could never get to and didn't invite my children, knowing that I had no one to look after them so therefore couldn't/wouldn't go myself. I just think fuck them.

I'd never expect anyone to pay out anywhere near £700 to attend something and am always amazed that people do even if they can afford it

EssentialHummus · 09/03/2017 12:02

They're angry because they thought they could get you to pay £700 to be their babysitter. You declining the invite has made things a little inconvenient for them.

Yup. Don't go. Send a nice card and maybe a small gift, and then leave it.

Original poster
persicaria · 09/03/2017 12:02

The venue is 4 hours drive away, 4 and three quarters if I'm behind the wheel. £700 is easily the amount, 2 adults + 2dc x 2 nights in a modest hotel in a well to do area.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2017 12:03

Even if she found out you were lying, the fact remains the b&g were also lying about you being an invitee. When one is invited, there is choice as to accept or decline. You've not been invited as a guest, rather summoned as a slave. That is a far greater lie.

LagunaBubbles · 09/03/2017 12:06

And yeh totally cheeky they expected you to look after the children all day rather than enjoy the wedding to, probably just so they didnt have to pay for childcare for the day.

PageStillNotFound404 · 09/03/2017 12:06

YANBU. Blood isn't automatically thicker than water. They didn't want you there as a guest and cherished relative, they wanted you as an unpaid nanny.

gillybeanz · 09/03/2017 12:08

You didn't want to go anyway, because you said you'd not tell the truth so they wouldn't offer you half or more of the cost. So don't worry about what they think.
It's cheeky to have presumed you'd look after all the dc without even asking you.
If they contact you again suggest they pay for a childminder and maybe a children's entertainer/ auntie too.
That should cost them about 1k if it's all day and night too.

trowelmonkey1 · 09/03/2017 12:09

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. You politely declined for very valid reasons and having been in a similar situation, I can understand why you don't want to share your financial concerns with your brother. It is, quite frankly, none of his business. Plus, your SIL's reaction to the fact that you won't be providing free childcare is shocking. Stick to your guns and don't go.

Rubies12345 · 09/03/2017 12:10

Ah 4 hours away, it's reasonable to decline and shouldn't be such a shock.

I just wonder how you found out about this unpaid babysitter thing? Is it definitely true, hope it's not someone else in the family causing trouble.

gillybeanz · 09/03/2017 12:10

4 hours away is nothing some people have this as a daily commute and work on top of this.
I'm not surprised sil called you out on this tbh, it does sound like an obvious lie.
Looks like you and your db are as bad as each other, maybe time to call it a day.

HelenaGWells · 09/03/2017 12:11

Well with their reaction I would certainly not be changing my mind.

This although you were lying by omission. I would have told them the whole truth but tbh it is irrelevant as you are better off out of it. Who wants to pay £700 to attend a wedding of someone they aren't close to and then be used as an unpaid babysitter? No thanks.

Original poster
persicaria · 09/03/2017 12:13

gillybeanz we would have gone if we could have afforded it, its just that DB makes promises that he will repay expenditure and rarely does. Don't want to be too specific but this is just the sort of occasion where he would do it.

OP posts:
PovertyJetset · 09/03/2017 12:13

Depending on the time of the ceremony you could stay just one night- the night of and then leave the next day.

However if they want you there to be an unpaid nanny I think that's outrageous and would be declining on that basis alone.

Original poster
persicaria · 09/03/2017 12:15

gillybeanz Grin

OP posts:
blankmind · 09/03/2017 12:17

They are bang out of order, particularly taking it for granted that after forking out £700 plus outfits plus gift that your entire wedding experience would be as unpaid childminder (maybe even not in the same room) so you'd not be able to enjoy the proceedings at all.

Stick to your guns, let bridezilla have a strop but stay firm. No means No and the reasons for the no are yours alone. Have a stiff Gin

Rubies12345 · 09/03/2017 12:18

4 hours away is nothing some people have this as a daily commute and work on top of this

Gillybeanz I have never heard of anyone commuting for 8 hours per day

KC225 · 09/03/2017 12:19

You have said you are not close and I also got the impression if money was no object you would still NOT want to go.

Don't buy into all the 'but it's family' people who say that are not your family and don't know the dynamics or the history.

You have been proved right - unpaid baby sitting is not turning over a new leaf at lovely family event. You declined an invitation but your SIL LIED, your invite was for unpaid work not to enjoy the day. Stick to your guns, send a card and a small gift. Job done.

gillybeanz · 09/03/2017 12:20

Can you not just go for the day and suck up the travel?
I know it would be a long day but could you not just go to part of the wedding?
I just can't imagine not attending one of my siblings weddings, even if I could only get to see the I do bit.

I think after the cheek of the expected childminding though, it sort of tells you your worth in their eyes.
Your db should have told sil you were invited not free hired help.
I wouldn't blame you for not going because of this, let alone the long drive.