Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to brother's wedding?

164 replies

persicaria · 09/03/2017 11:19

I have NC for this. 'D'B and me have never been close - he had MH problems in the past, can be manipulative and PA. He has always been very hard to please. His wedding to long term girlfriend will be in May this year. We told them we had to decline the invitation, but the reason is because of the cost - hotel for 2 nights for 4 people, travel and food expenses, boarding costs of pets, unpaid leave for me and OH, all coming in at about £700, which we have not got to spare. That money doesn't include outfits or presents.

We told them we could not get time off work, and did not tell them the real reason is money which it would be embarrassing and we think it is private and are not comfortable with talking about it with them because they are minted compared to us, incase they offered to pay some of our costs. In the past this has happened over something different DB wanted me to do and he never actually gave me any repayment money it was just words. Shame on me for that, and I learned my lesson.

StbSIL has now rung me with all guns blazing calling us liars and selfish and we have hurt them. I have discovered that because of my child care experience I was going to have to be unofficial and unpaid nanny on the day to the bride and groom's DC x 2 and another child. So I think it's because we have spoilt their plans for a carefree day. Being unpaid is not our issue, though. It's that B&G are so angry when all we have done is politely let them know. We are shocked and surprised to say the least. What right does anyone have to be like this or try to make us change our mind? They are acting like we have committed a crime. Confused

OP posts:
Wixi · 09/03/2017 12:20

I didn't go to the wedding of one of my siblings - my parents did and have suffered nothing but rudeness and fall out in the 25 years since, to the extent that when Mum died my sibling was not told when the funeral was, etc. None of the family have anything to do with that sibling and her family now and haven't done for about 5 years. It's your decision, and if you do not get on with your sibling, I would stick to your guns. Do not be bullied. You don't HAVE to go to anything, family or not.

Alice212 · 09/03/2017 12:20

I would actually tell them the truth, not least because they are going to call you out to birthdays and anniversaries - and these people who have so much trouble understanding about others not having the money need to be told. Otherwise they just keep asking you to do stuff you can't afford or don't wish to spend on.

£700 is a lot and they are just pissed off that they have to fork out for childcare now.

Blueskyrain · 09/03/2017 12:20

2 nights in a hotel being £700, Crikey, you don't have to stay in the ritz. A family travel lodge room for one night will cost you about £60. 4 hours isn't that far, so unless it's a first thing in the morning wedding (unlikely), then you only need stay once night

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 12:20

I would totally not go to my sibilings wedding (currently NC) but I suspect that the entirety of my family and my DP would put an awful lot of effort into changing my mind.

I with you OP. There are many reasons not to go here. Being the assumed unpaid child minder is one of them. (and the cost of pet boarding is very pricey!).

RedAndYellowPeppers · 09/03/2017 12:23

Honestky, it doesn't matter why you said NO.
This is the right decision for you because of whatever has happened in the past. You've taken the route of the least resistance, aka telling them you can't because of work and not gone into other details such as the cost. Fine by me. Why should you have to explain in details all the ins and outs?

Their reaction though is very telling. If they had wanted you to be there and acted for you, they would ave engaged in a very different way. NOT by screaming at you. And certainly not by telling you that what you are doing isn't on because you were supposed to be the childminder for their own dcs! Wo ever asking you if you were happy with it.
Just that would make me rethink wether to go or not so YANBU to stick to your original aplan and not go.
They'll have to find another babysitter as this is their main concern (and not the fact you am your family won't be there for their big day)

GreyStars · 09/03/2017 12:26

It doesn't matter that you have been economical truth about why you won't be going, not able to get time off work, is not dissimilar to I can get time off work but I won't get paid and it's also going to cost me £700 so it becomes too expensive for me to attend. If they are that shit to you because they have more money then I don't blame you, I would never treat my brother like that!

Add in, you don't really like them very much due to what ever history and it sounds like they haven't been very nice at all to you in the past and the vitriol this woman has thrown at you only goes to cement that opinion. That they only appear to want you there (or she certainly does) to be the unpaid hired help for the day then no wonder you don't want to go!

Even though you have lied, I do prefer economical with the truth for this one Grin to be told that just further goes to show how bloody horrible she is!

RedAndYellowPeppers · 09/03/2017 12:26

For those who are saying 'buuut can't you do X and y to be able to manage to go to that wedding?'
can I remind you that the OP doesn't have a close relationship with her Ebro, that she was supposed to be USED by her dbro and DSIL for babysitting and not even be at the ceremony? And that said family will not take NO for an answer (as proven by the lastest call)
I mean would you do all that effort/cost to not even be at the wedding as such because she will away with her dbro children Confused??

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/03/2017 12:27

OP, be kind to yourself, don't give this Wedding any more head space.
You have declined the invitation, given your reasons, The End.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2017 12:30

God, there are some weird responses on this thread!!

Your stbSIL and B are angry because you've ruined their chance at free childcare. Your reasons for not going are not lies, they're half truths and you didn't want to tell the whole truth because you were worried they'd manipulate you into going anyway with fake promises of helping you out with costs.

But that's all irrelevant really - why in the name of fuck would you even WANT to go now, now that you know why you've really been invited?!

I wouldn't touching that wedding with a 10' bargepole, and quite honestly, I wouldn't be bothering with my brother again after that shit. But it's quite likely you won't get that choice, as he won't bother with you again now that you've stood up for yourself and refused to be inveigled into doing what he wants at your expense.

Bloody family!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2017 12:30

Sorry - forgot the important bit - YADNBU! Not at all!

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/03/2017 12:31

I'm a little confused at your costings as we recently spent 2 nights away for a wedding (3.5 hours away) with 2 adults/2 DC (driving) and didn't spend anywhere near £700! Possibly £450, and I can see how you'd stretch to £500. £700 though....

However, it is an invitation and not a summons. If you don't want to go for whatever reason, then do not go.

harleysmammy · 09/03/2017 12:32

I think you've made any excuses not to go to be honest. You will NEVER get that opportunity back, whether you like him or not.
And you said you didnt want to tell them the truth for whatever reason and that they might offer to pay for you?? So the real reason isnt that you cant afford it because you dont want them to pay for you? Hm

PageStillNotFound404 · 09/03/2017 12:35

I'm a little confused at your costings as we recently spent 2 nights away for a wedding (3.5 hours away) with 2 adults/2 DC (driving) and didn't spend anywhere near £700! Possibly £450, and I can see how you'd stretch to £500

I know it's hard to believe, but hotels don't all cost the same. Things like time of year, day of the week, geographical location, number of alternatives in the region affect pricing.

Reow · 09/03/2017 12:36

I don't think you should feel obligated to pay £700 and lose 2 days paid work to travel 4 hours each way and babysit for a brother who is not very nice to you and was planning to use you without asking you in advance. He sounds like an arse.

witsender · 09/03/2017 12:37

He sounds like an arsehole, as does she.

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 12:37

LaContessaDiPlump

Unpaid leave costs?

Alice212 · 09/03/2017 12:37

harley "You will NEVER get that opportunity back, whether you like him or not"

interesting - my worry is the opposite - she'll be invited to tons of shit for someone she doesn't like and apparently saw her as unpaid childcare.

to those questioning £700 - read the post! - it's not £700 for the hotel, it's for hotel, pet care while away, cost of lost earnings, etc.

Honestly, it's like having Peggy Mitchell screaming "but FAMILEEEEEEEEEEE" on some of these posts.

FrenchLavender · 09/03/2017 12:37

How did it come to light that they were planning on allocating childcare for the day to you, which would mean you would not be involved in the day to the extent that any other guest would?

1bighappyfamily · 09/03/2017 12:37

Your "lie" is a sin of omission because you don't want to share your personal circumstances.

Their "lie" is that they were going to ask you to book an expensive trip away and than corner you into supplying a professional service for free. Actually, not for free, at a cost to you.

YANBU. Don't go. What horrible people.

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 12:38

What thumbwitches said ^ So what if the OP made up a bit of bullshit? Sometimes it's necessary. I have had people ask me for favours; not friends, just acquaintances, (and people I don't even like,) asking things like 'can you take me here or there?' And other requests.

If I can't be arsed, I say 'I am SURE that date is when I am doing x, y, & z, I will have to get back to you.' Then I concoct a bucket of bullshit. If you just say no with no reasons, the person asking will only ask why........... so having an excuse/telling a lie is the only thing you can do really... IMO.

2014newme · 09/03/2017 12:38

Lying was a bad idea.
However you don't want to go and certainly don't want to be the childcare for the day.

I your position one of would have gone and stayed in £50 travel lodge however I think now the time has passed.

BonnyScotland · 09/03/2017 12:39

I never explain to people why I cannot attend... it's a Yes or No...

the end x

stressedbeyond123 · 09/03/2017 12:41

TBH i don't think it matters if 2 nights away would cost OP £200, £400, £700 or £1,000 - they obviously know the details and how much it is going to cost.

OP doesn't want to go, and i get that, i wouldn't go if i was her either. She was invited under false pretenses, declined - end of! if B&G want to make an issue of it, let them carry on - the fact that they are only upset because childcare has now become an issue says a lot more about them than it does OP for declining!

Oysterbabe · 09/03/2017 12:41

I couldn't miss a siblings wedding. How about driving up in the morning and looking at cheaper hotels nearby for 1 night? Would you consider going on your own if that reduced costs?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2017 12:42

French - from what the OP says, in the OP, the stbSIL told her in the blazing row phonecall about their plans for her to be childcarer.