To not go to brother's wedding?

[persicaria]

I have NC for this. 'D'B and me have never been close - he had MH problems in the past, can be manipulative and PA. He has always been very hard to please. His wedding to long term girlfriend will be in May this year. We told them we had to decline the invitation, but the reason is because of the cost - hotel for 2 nights for 4 people, travel and food expenses, boarding costs of pets, unpaid leave for me and OH, all coming in at about £700, which we have not got to spare. That money doesn't include outfits or presents.

We told them we could not get time off work, and did not tell them the real reason is money which it would be embarrassing and we think it is private and are not comfortable with talking about it with them because they are minted compared to us, incase they offered to pay some of our costs. In the past this has happened over something different DB wanted me to do and he never actually gave me any repayment money it was just words. Shame on me for that, and I learned my lesson.

StbSIL has now rung me with all guns blazing calling us liars and selfish and we have hurt them. I have discovered that because of my child care experience I was going to have to be unofficial and unpaid nanny on the day to the bride and groom's DC x 2 and another child. So I think it's because we have spoilt their plans for a carefree day. Being unpaid is not our issue, though. It's that B&G are so angry when all we have done is politely let them know. We are shocked and surprised to say the least. What right does anyone have to be like this or try to make us change our mind? They are acting like we have committed a crime.

Annesmyth is it really up to me to have to justify myself that way? It is already embarrassing enough. They live in a different world.

It is an obvious lie. I would have just told the truth. If he offered to pay half, I would have said money is really tight so I can't afford even that. If they offered to pay full, i would say that is kind, but I am sorry I don't have the money to pay out, so need it upfront.

How sure are you about the babysitting arrangement? Because being told about it from a third party raises all sorts of issues of wires potentially being crossed here.

It doesn't help in this instance persi as the damage is done but I suspect "never explain, never apologise" would have been better here. Formal responses to wedding invitations don't give reasons for non-attendance you just say you regret you're unable to attend. And then keep repeating the same when challenged.

"I just feel we can't win here."

So don't bother trying, just suit yourself.

Would SILtb have given a fuck if she hadn't planned on you doing childcare?

Hissy What would you list as Mumsnet retort No 1?

WeAllHaveWings

I would drive 4 hours, pay money to attend a siblings wedding. Your db would even offer to pay, which you could say you need up front.
I would happily look after my niece/nephew at the ceremony etc while their parents got married (not so much another child if not a relation), I wouldn't expect payment for looking our for a family member!

OP's DB appears to have form for offering to pay costs but not following through, leaving the OP out of pocket. And given the sneaky way the DB and SIL have planned for OP to be childcare without even having the decency to ask OP if she was happy about this first, I don't think that in OP's shoes I'd be wanting to attend either.

These things are always going to be down to the relationships between members of a family. OP and her DB don't have a good relationship.

I simply don't buy into the "it's for family" rubbish that seems to get trotted out so much. I do stuff for people I like, and many of these are indeed family. I don't do stuff for people I don't like, and I do have family I place in this category. Blood is not everything.

Admittedly I missed out unpaid leave costs - sorry. My own hotel stay was in a plush tourist destination so I assumed those were comparable.

I take it no-one read the part of my post where I told the OP she didn't have to go

Wings, you don't appear to have read the post.

OP, I'm sorry you're having this experience. I agree it sounds like they don't like being stood up to.

If you are bothered about this relationship - and frankly I totally understand if you are not - then I would suggest to them that you can spend quality time together another time when it's less problematic and you will actually see them.

btw Edward I know exactly what you mean on all counts.

to those questioning £700 - read the post! - it's not £700 for the hotel, it's for hotel, pet care while away, cost of lost earnings, etc.

Thank you Alice

I was about to post this myself but thought I'd better read the full thread - glad I did!

OH yes, I want to know that Mumsnet Response #1 is as well!

What, not that. FFS.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli Thu 09-Mar-17 13:39:46
Hissy What would you list as Mumsnet retort No 1?

Well... that would of course be

Mumsnet retort No 1: My Kid, My Rules!

Sadly, I think sil's reaction tells you all you need to know here.
I have in-laws who can't always afford to do things and we always try to think ahead and have empathy for their situation. Other family members get arsey about it. The difference is that we actually care about them and how they feel. Some people just want to row and cause drama. Bottom line: if you were in a loving, respectful relationship here, you would all find a way round, even if it's only skyping during the evening reception.

Fab!

Sorry some things I purposely kept vague, the third party source is someone who I trust and was going to offer help with the childcare.

OH is very pleased I stood up to the pressure. Going back over the years it has been a similar story and I went with the flow and got used so many times. We are not a large immediate family - probably why I was chosen, DB wouldn't dare ask a friend, he has always treated them better anyway.

Hissy

There is now an excellent MumsNet retort No.387

"Now Bugger Off! And Good Day to You!

(How I love Miss Jolly! )

That was to Hissy of course

TBH even if there was now a genuine and believable offer to cover your expenses I would refuse. And you have the perfect excuse now you have discovered their plans to you use you as an unpaid babysitter.

"No thank you but I really don't want to travel all that way and miss two days work just so that I can miss the party while minding other people's children"

OP, seriously, I agree with 5foot5

Gosh some people are utterly incapable of not projecting! Good for you that you have such a close relationship with your siblings you "can't imagine" not being there for them always; no need to be a dick to anyone who doesn't come from the exact family background as you.

And of course you all magically psychically know every detail of the OP's job, financial status, the practicalities of the wedding, scheduling, travel options, what hotel options there are at the wedding location... I mean, really: "I'm so very confused, I stayed in a hotel once so surely everywhere on entire planet has the exact same hotels that are all priced exactly the same??" You do realise there are plenty of places where there are no budget hotels, or areas so expensive even the budget hotels are pricey? My local Travelodge charges £125 per night.

The OP did not "lie" - she chose to give a vague explanation of "work reasons" rather than go into detail (which she is perfectly entitled to do). And it IS work reasons. Not being able to afford to take time off work is "work reasons."

700 pound isn't a lot if it include 3 days of unpaid leave. Even at minimum wage that would be 180 pounds for one person. OP says that both she and DH would have to take it. so that's nearly 360 pounds. On the assumption that at least one of them earns more than minimum wage you can see how it mounts up.

I wouldn't go in the circumstances you describe, and YANBU for staying at home.

However, if in the future DB should offer to pay your expenses, ask for them upfront and tell him you will only make travel plans, or whatever, once you have received it.

"Regret cannot attend. Hope you have a lovely day"

The STBX-IL has assumed OP will go to the wedding, 4+ hours away, spend 2 days there and take unpaid leave, with the kennelling

Perhaps not altogether unreasonable, it is afterall an invitation... but just that.

the Extremely Unreasonable thing the SIL2B has done is to make the assumption that this person will come to the wedding and MISS OUT on the actual proceedings to look after the B&G kids and potentially the DC of others.

She is being used as hired help, apart from the fact that she's not actually being hired or paid to do so.

Worse than this is rather than question her own decision to make these assumptions or, heaven forfend actually ASK the OP if she could provide all childcare all day at extreme cost loss to her, she has the bare arsed cheek to kick off at her and verbally abuse her into the bargain.

I'd say that this is a flaming liberty, but it looks more like an informal slave deal so I won't use a word relating to freedom.

OP, this is outrageous and I would strongly suggest your tack from this point on is to say that you won't discuss it anymore, that not only are you unable to attend, you are now UNWILLING to attend.

I would actually point out to her that even if you were able to get the time off, she is not worth the effort it will take to get there to be at her beck and call even if they were to cover your costs and losses for the day, and actually pay you to be there.

there is room for someone to be outraged here OP, and it ain't Gluezilla.

In terms of your family applying pressure, just repeat the We can't get the time off line, and refuse to be pressured any further.

I do understand why the OP is under pressure from her family to attend, because it's a close relative's wedding, so it's not quite as simple as saying "sorry, can't make it" with no reason given, which you could do with a less close relative, or friend.
To miss a sibling's wedding, you would need to give a reason, that's to be expected.

I'm quite sure my brother would have loved to have given my wedding a swerve, but he didn't because it would have caused a bit of a family ruckus (we don't get on) - however, he wasn't expected to do anything like what the OP is in terms of time, travel, costs, childcare etc.