To not go to brother's wedding?

[persicaria]

I have NC for this. 'D'B and me have never been close - he had MH problems in the past, can be manipulative and PA. He has always been very hard to please. His wedding to long term girlfriend will be in May this year. We told them we had to decline the invitation, but the reason is because of the cost - hotel for 2 nights for 4 people, travel and food expenses, boarding costs of pets, unpaid leave for me and OH, all coming in at about £700, which we have not got to spare. That money doesn't include outfits or presents.

We told them we could not get time off work, and did not tell them the real reason is money which it would be embarrassing and we think it is private and are not comfortable with talking about it with them because they are minted compared to us, incase they offered to pay some of our costs. In the past this has happened over something different DB wanted me to do and he never actually gave me any repayment money it was just words. Shame on me for that, and I learned my lesson.

StbSIL has now rung me with all guns blazing calling us liars and selfish and we have hurt them. I have discovered that because of my child care experience I was going to have to be unofficial and unpaid nanny on the day to the bride and groom's DC x 2 and another child. So I think it's because we have spoilt their plans for a carefree day. Being unpaid is not our issue, though. It's that B&G are so angry when all we have done is politely let them know. We are shocked and surprised to say the least. What right does anyone have to be like this or try to make us change our mind? They are acting like we have committed a crime.

Oyster you probably have nicer siblings than some of the rest of us then.

OP it's fine for you to not want to go. I suspect if you did you would have found a way to make it work. Not going is perfectly reasonable.

I could miss ANYone's wedding who I didn't get on with ^

Do people who just say yes or no ever get bombarded with pushy people suggesting ways they could go?

I occasionally say no, and sometimes my reasons are personal and something I don't want shared. So many times I get, 'but we could pick you up and drive you there!' or 'Is X or Y something you could move?' And the worst, 'How about if we move it to the day you can make!' which makes me feel so horribly guilty that they're prepared to change things to accommodate something that I really don't want to go to.

Sometimes I make up the bullshit. Sometimes I just starkly tell them the personal reasons which tends to make them blush, sod off, and avoid contacting me for a while.

Certainly, I come from a family where no apparently means, please do try to make a fuss and persuade me to attend.

Don't get me started on the response when I ask for a non-alcohol drink. No, I don't want just a half glass of wine. Yes, it would cause me problems. Actually, I'm perfectly able to assess that for myself.

Sorry - went off on one there.

Also, don't go, OP.

I dont get why people are questioning the ops figure of £700.

Loss of 2 days earnings = at least £300
Pet care for 2 days = £100 (could be wrong, taken a guess)
petrol cost = £50.10 - used a journey price calculator online
Hotel cost = at least £120 for 2 nights in travel lodge
Breakfasts, lunches. dinners (X4) = £140
TOTAL = £670 and thats using very bare minimum. so easily could be £700

Here are some useful Mumsnet expressions to deal with these dreaded STBX-Inlaws:

Mumsnet retort No 45: It's an invitation, not a summons

oh and

Mumsnet retort No 4: No is a complete sentence

Mumsnet retort No 17: Are you on Glue?

Oh and the piece de resistance...

Mumsnet retort number 2: Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there, fuck off some more.

Why should she go just because she is related to the git?
He has lied to her in the past, promised to repay her expenses as he is rich and she isnt but never had fulfilled his promises.

They expect her to pay £700 for the privilege of being their unpaid child minder at the wedding so they can have a relaxing day while she is looking after other peoples kids and missing it all?? Until she declined they didnt even have the guts to tell her what they expected of her. WTAF? Now they are pissed cos she isnt going and they have to parent their own kids!

Nope just no, no, no. Tell them to jog on. Just cos he is related doesnt mean he gets to take advantage and treat you badly at any time. Nobody else would be allowed to do that and everyone would think its fine so stand tall and ignore them.

FFS hotels can be expensive. It doesnt matter that a mumsnetter went away for a few days last month and it cost less. A weekend date in may will always cost more including 120 per night for a fucking travel lodge. I know as i just tried to book one in glorious sunny exotic Watford. I paid £45 in early jan and it's quoting more than double that now.

Please please can we have less talk of hotel costs!

Right back to the op. YANBU. telling a white lie was also completely reasonable. A Pps idea of a nice card and a £10 argos voucher for a gift is spot on.

What does the rest of your family think?

I would drive 4 hours, pay money to attend a siblings wedding. Your db would even offer to pay, which you could say you need up front.
I would happily look after my niece/nephew at the ceremony etc while their parents got married (not so much another child if not a relation), I wouldn't expect payment for looking our for a family member!

You obviously don't want to go to your db wedding, and its a bit hypocritical saying she was upset at you because she thought you were lying when you were. If you don't want to go you must have your reasons and are prepared to accept the consequences of that, so why not just title your thread "What is a good excuse to get out of going to my brothers wedding?"

I'd love to know how your SIL dropped the childcare thing into her rant.

For those questioning the costs; does it matter? It's a cost, OP has looked into it and can't afford it. Turns out she's right to not want to go.

Not everyone has a close loving extended family who they'd do anything to be with.

Edward bear I feel your pain, and I bet many others will too, The well-meaning person who asks you to something you flat out do NOT want to go to, or asks you to do something for them, and when you say you can't because of 'whatever reason,' they try to fix the situation and by changing things so you CAN go. Absolutely does my head in.

Just turn it around. Sorry SIL - as it is now very clear that I wasn't actually invited as much as you needed free help for childminding, the answer is now re-enforced as a no. Why would I take unpaid work and not see my brother married as you expect me to be your lackey instead of actually getting paid for my work which by the way, I am very good at.

Repeat the mantra - it's an invite, not a summons.....

I'm going against the grain. We attended db wedding dispite our car breaking down and having to hire one, travel took 4 hours and we stayed the night I was heavily pregnant and had DS at the time. I think your finding excuses you can sent off early travel and only need to stay one night. I think your excuse was pathetic

What does the rest of your family think? I'm half expecting to hear from them as the next line of attack.

Btw, stbSIL blew off at me before I found out about the babysitting arrangement from someone else. That person is not trying to stir in any way and though I had already agreed to it

Hotels are all v v expensive in that area even with the discount that B&G negotiated. If we had picked another further away the cost was not much different and added another insult probably.

I just feel we can't win here. There is so much hostility, I guess they don't like being stood up to.

moonlight, don't be stupid. It's not up to you to decree that the OP 'only needs to stay one night.'

Not to mention they wanted her to go so she could act as a free nanny. And phoned her up to shout abuse when she said no.

The naysayers are forgetting on salient piece of information; the OP does NOT WANT TO GO.

Plus, the bro and SIL wanted to use her as a free childminder. Cheeky cunts.

They are totally unreasonable! But I can't understand why you don't just tell them you can't afford it, if that is the real reason you don't want to go. It's nothing to be ashamed about and would be absolutely decisive, especially if you didn't feel inclined to accept cash from them (and who would, after this?)

"I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that you needed me to work as a babysitter for you at your wedding. Of course I will do that for you. My fee, including expenses, will be £700, to be paid by [date a month before the wedding].)

Wings, I quite likely would not get the money repaid, on DB's past form. Al I can say is you are a better person than me, I can't get into debt for one day's knees up.

WHY are people trying to find ways to bully the OP into going to this wedding?? Why?

She doesn't want to go, she can't afford to go, and now she's found out that she was expected to be the unpaid childcare on the day. It doesn't MATTER if other posters would "happily do that" for their siblings, MAYBE, just maybe, other posters have siblings who aren't lying manipulative gits who offer to help with costs and then don't!

You have done nothing wrong, OP.

You don't want to go. It doesn't matter why.

You were polite about it and tried not to hurt their feelings when you said you wouldn't be able to attend.

Ignore her rude, ranting phone call and be especially glad that you're not going now. They only wanted you there so you can have the privilege of stumping up a lot of money to celebrate them and being their unpaid babysitter at the same time.

I think you've made the right call, and I'd ignore any more conversations about why you're not attending. Just tell them nothing's changed, and you won't be attending.

You don't want to go. I don't think you should go based on your current relationship with them. When questioned again say you can't go as you can't take holiday. If they Start to nag just say truthfully we don't want to come to your wedding. He's your brother but you can't choose your brothers unfortunately. I would block contact as well. What do they add to your family? Stress by the sounds of it.

You should have told her the truth if not in the beginning, certainly when she phoned.

*I dont get why people are questioning the ops figure of £700.

Loss of 2 days earnings = at least £300
Pet care for 2 days = £100 (could be wrong, taken a guess)
petrol cost = £50.10 - used a journey price calculator online
Hotel cost = at least £120 for 2 nights in travel lodge
Breakfasts, lunches. dinners (X4) = £140
TOTAL = £670 and thats using very bare minimum. so easily could be £700*

Thanks for that! I was going to post similar, but you saved me the time

I don't blame you for not going OP. Sibling or not, i hate when people expect others to go way out of their way for a wedding, family or not.

Bold fail