To contact his mum?

[saltyshoes]

When DH was 17 he got a girl pregnant at Uni having a one night stand. She left Uni to have the baby and wanted nothing to do with DH. There was some doubt as to whether DH was the father at all. Three years later a social worker contacted DH and told him the mum wanted to marry and wanted her partner to adopt the boy. DH gave up his parental rights so the boy could be adopted by the mums partner.

That boy is now in his 20s and we have children together. Oldest DD has always known about her half-brother existed. She has turned 14 and is now on Facebook and has found him. She is very keen to contact him. DH is very hesitant as he's not even sure the boy knows he's adopted as the mum didn't want him to know. DH wrote to the mum but has never had a reply. I've explained to DD that this all very sensitive and could be upsetting but she's 14 and just doesn't get it and feels she didn't sign off on not contacting him. I'm afraid she's going to send him a message and feel like it might be best if I try to contact the mum to see if she will respond to me? Or should DH contact the boy?

DH doesn't want to upset him but is unsure what on earth is the best way forward. A random message from DD is surely not the best first contact?

Londonsburningahhhh are you always this nasty? You sound as if you've walked straight off a JK set yourself, tbh.

Clark it would make more sense wouldn't it!

My father was adopted and didn't know... he found out when he was 19 because his cousin told him thinking that he should know. He didn't want to know. Your parents are the people who raise you, who love, care and provide for you. Your DD will not only upset him, she'll upset his parents too. The other man, whom the mother has married, has raised this boy as if he's his own biological child. To have another person enter your world and shake things up so drastically is unforgivable.

I do understand where your dd is coming from, though. But she needs to be really selfless. If he does know he's adopted, he will approach your family in his own time.

Not all adoptions take place against a background of abuse and it is a nonsense for a lawyer who works in the field to claim so

Sigh. Yes, I did say so in my post actually. I said that step-parent adoptions were different. They can only usually take place when the bio parent has abandoned his/her responsibilities though, as it would be very rare for a court to make an adoption order against the will of an involved, loving parent. David Tennant is a good example of that- his wife got pregnant as a teen and the dad has not been involved.

However, what I was talking about was stranger-adoptions and those children are invariably from the childcare system. Talks of the authorities splitting up bio families was surely directed at those types of adoptions rather than step-parent ones (because they only tend to happen if one parent has already walked away).

Your DD needs to be told in no uncertain terms to back off.

We live one life and we have to try the best we can for the people around us. It's about doing the right thing by the child. Maybe she organised a DNA test with the best friend and it turned out he weren't. Who knows what went on or how she felt being a single mum. Neither of them were ready for it by the sounds of it. As always the woman has to pull herself together and sort things out. Do I agree with her request for him to give up his son no. Seeing as he did the right thing at the time for his son shouldn't she do the right thing as well. I don't blame her for doing it but cutting him off completely is wrong. You think I'm nasty.

OP- I'd really be asking to have this moved to Adoptions. The Fail will be all over this like a rash & that will definitely make things 1000x worse.

Stephen I agree with you age plays a big part in this if they were both 17 at the time. Her parents would have played a big role in helping her. Maybe they didn't like him fathers can be very over protective of their daughters. The mother is obviously hurting from what happened.

You get a new birth certificate when you are adopted so he may not have seen his original certificate.

OP, Have you managed to speak more with your DD? I hope she understands a bit better now?

It was a one night stand and she was at uni and he was 17. She left uni to have the baby and she wanted nothing to do with him. Can someone explain to me how that is fair to the child. The mother never loved the father he was a one night stand. Thinking about it I don't think it's worth your dh or dd getting involved. I allowed my emotions to run away with me. It could end very badly for him and his family. The whole situation is messy and I think it would be easier to live in ignorant bliss than to learn your whole life was a lie.

London You are assuming so much!
Why do you assume he doesn't know he's adopted? My Daughter is adopted by my Husband. She knows and has done since she could talk! She knows who planted the seed and who is her Daddy. I know plenty of adopted grown ups who have absolutely no desire to find the people that made them-their family is the unit that raised them.

I don't see why this teenager needs to join adoption forums and speak to anyone.

She needs showing this thread if anything- and read how many adopted people feel about the idea of their biological parent/sibling contacting them.

Nor do I think your dh should contact the man's mother again.

For the nth time, leave these people alone, all of you.

Fair to the child...?

How many things are "fair" in life? This young man has two parents. Some children have none. Is that fair? Nope.

I just don't see what kind of a point that is? As long as both parents tried their best and the child ended up being loved and in a stable family then that's surely a good outcome...?

Honestly, although 14 year olds can be really mature (ours swings between an astonishing maturity and downright plumlike most days), they don't often understand the ripple effects actions can have. I would really sit her down and explain very firmly that she is not to try to contact him, and if necessary remove her social media privileges if I had any doubt she wouldn't toe the line. This could have huge ramifications (speaking from experience here). Perhaps talking to an adoption helpline or similar would be useful, but the approach should be made via the parents (mum and adopted dad) as you have no idea what this young man knows about his family.

I have a half-sister I didn't know about till I was in my thirties, and I feel for your daughter, while also understanding more from her reaction why my parents didn't tell me when i was a child.

She's 20 years older than me, and actually was also v easy to find on Facebook once I knew her fairly unusual married name and the fact she had remained in the same area.

I haven't contacted her because I don't know how. There was no adoption, just an estrangement that started when she was in her early teens so registers wouldn't help, and Facebook or social media just seems awful. I have no address, and no real idea what I would say. Yet while I know that she most probably will want nothing to do with me, and I know very well biology doesn't make family- I've close family members who are adopted, ironically- it still feels like a loss. I would like to meet her, once, and see what she's like. If we could have some sort of friendly, adult relationship, or if we're just strangers who share some biology.

My parents viewed it through the lens of everything that had gone before, but for me, it was about a wholly separate potential relationship that had nothing to do with them; the possibility of something that had been taken away from me, and possibly even her, without permission - I have no reason to think she knows I exist. I could not have coped with it as a child I don't think- I would have almost certainly tried to find her as a teen, spurred on by so many terrible films.

So: yes, your daughter should be stopped. But I think you've all been irresponsible in how it has been handled, and I think contact should be made again with his mother to understand a) whether he fully knows his background and b) whether he would be open at any point in the future to any connections, and establishing a way for him to do so, so your daughter can at least be told that there is an option if he wants to initiate it but won't have to deal with direct rejection.

From the mothers point of view, allowing him to be Facebook friends with people who are also friends with his biological father with no warning or thought seems v short-sighted. I think he has to be the priority, but I do empathise with your daughter, who has been given an unfortunate glimpse of someones personal life she has no real right to know about and then told not to ask any more questions.

I think he has to be the priority,

Why?

He is now a 20-something adult, whose mother may or may not have told him the truth (highly unlikely given the mutual friends, etc) ....... and through no fault of her own, the 14 year-old has been landed with the situation and is now champing at the bit to contact her half-brother.

I'm shocked at the vitriol being dished out to this child.

I think you need to tell your dd in no uncertain terms that she is not contact him at all.
She's 14 years old, a child. He is a grown man who may or may not know, but if he doesn't know no way on this earth should he be finding out through a 14 year old child contacting him on Facebook and telling him.
It's not up to your daughter to make this decision, it's up to you and your husband to say the matter is closed if he wants to contact you he will.

I dont think for one second your dd is pushing this because of any badness on her part, I think she is pushing because she's 14, everything is a drama at that age, and it's exiting for her to find her brother but those are not a valid enough reasons to drop a bombshell on someone like this.
At 14 I would not have ever comprehended how dropping a bombshell like this on someone could totally destroy their lives. The domino effect from this could lead to so much heart ache for this man and his family so you really honestly think a 14 year old who can't comprehend this should be allowed to make this decision.
Your dd has had the benefit of growing up knowing that she has a half brother you can't assume he has had the same knowledge especially as your husband never even met him.
Also if it doesn't work out and he tells your dd what he thinks of her and your dh do you think she can handle that?
I think you and your dh need to make it absolutely clear that this is completely non negotiable it is not her place. Which it isn't.
Personally I'd make her block him on Facebook or delete her account if you think she will secretly contact him.

Sorry to be blunt but your dh gave up his parental responsibility and has had no hand in raising this boy/man, its for his mum and dad to tell him about your dh and that's the decision they will have made as his parents and they will have to live with as his parents for the rest of their lives. They have raised him and the decision to tell him is theirs, your dh gave that decision up for you and your dd when he signed away his parental responsibility imo.

I was in a similar situation myself but as soon as I applied for my first passport it was pretty clear to me that my dad had adopted me when he married my mum.
So the chances are if this man has ever had a passport or ever had to fill in a dbs he will know. It's not something that can stay secret forever and if he doesn't already know when he does know he should be the one who gets to decide whether to contact you.

I can only speak from my own experience but I would have been livid if a 14 year old had contacted me to tell me she was my half sister.
As it happens I've never been contacted my anyone from my biological family and I don't ever wish to be, if anyone contacted me I'd honestly tell them to piss off.
I know who raised me and who I love. I know everyone is different and some people would like to meet their biological relatives but until you are contacted by this man then you should assume he doesn't.

You definitely need to tell your dd this is a definite and non negotiable no.

I know this is a part of her too though so why don't you tell her to make a memory box for her half brother, little trinkets from places you go on holiday, tickets to places, letters to say what's she's up to, birthday cards to him etc so if he ever does get in contact she can show him she was always thinking of him, and hoping to meet him?

Westfacing

I guess that I think potentially throwing a grenade into someone's life, a someone you know very little about but happen to share DNA with, is irresponsible whether you are 14, 40 or 104. I understand why she would want to know, but that isn't the same as the right to do whatever she wants. Yes, it is not her fault that this has happened, but nor was it the fault of her half-brother.

Of course at 14 years old she hasn't thought about the potential consequences of contacting her half-brother out of the blue (let alone doing so through FB). OP needs to help her daughter understand the implications and potential consequences of contacting him out of the blue- including that he may not know about the adoption.

Although I agree given mutual friends etc, I would think it more likely that he does know, but that is an only an assumption and we all know how dangerous that can be. If he does know, he has chosen not to contact his biological father (for now at least). Either of those scenario's should be respected. I know many people think he "should" know (and I agree that it would be better). However, if he doesn't know do you really think it fair that he have this knowledge thrust upon him because OPs DD is "champing at the bit"? Or that this way of finding out is likely to lead to a happy ending for anybody?

It's also to protect her, in a way. Is she prepared to deal with a rejection, if that happens? I would worry she has turned this into a fantasy "perfect" reunion where they get on so well, he is the cool older brother she has never had etc, etc. But hasn't thought through the flip side to that.

Basically, I think that knowledge of his existence does not give her the right to contact it because "that's what I want". The whole situation has to be very carefully handled to avoid a lot of hurt (and possibly damaged relationships) for both the DD, her father and the young man (and his family too). Doing things slowly- like contacting the registers who will pass on the contact information to the young man in question, if he has registered an interest or does so in the future; or contact his mum again, perhaps so she can pass on that OPs DD would like to contact him (if she is willing to do so). Or asking if mutual friends know if he knows that OPs DH is his father.

Waltzing that's such a thoughtful, well written post. What you're saying really resonates with me

Westfacing likewise, re the vitriol. It's bizarre and tbh a little upsetting that people can be so hateful about a 14 yo girl

sorry posted too soon!
But ultimately, it is not the OPs DD's place to contact him.

I'm shocked at the vitriol being dished out to this child.

I do agree with that. What would your average 14 yo with potentially romantic notions about "lost brothers" know about the reality of adoption?
I do think one can and should extend a certain amount of understanding towards that child.

Anyhow. Whilst I certainly don't think the DD should contact him... I don't think the OP's priority is or should be the wellbeing of this man. She is nothing to him. Her priority should be the wellbeing of her children... (which does include making sure her DD isn't hurt by the fall out of contacting that man via facebook!)

Oh give over about the girl.

Any comeback she gets will only be from the person whose life and well-being she has potentially thrown a lit touchpaper into. And however he were to react would be his goddamn right.

Hopefully the OP will by now have made her see sense.

I'm still utterly baffled tbh about the biological father's role in all of this. A one night stand and he didn't even know the child was his, yet suddenly everyone is "finding" people and messaging them.

Internet privileges need revoking and not just from this silly silly girl. (and I speak as the daughter of an adopted father, the half-sister of a woman whose 3 children have all been adopted, and the mother of another 14 yr old girl)

vintageperfumista I dont agree that this thread is indicative of how most adoptees feel, and my hunch would be that the majority of people whether adopted or not would be very interested to meet a half sibling (via appropriate channels - not facebook, agreed) and would be sufficiently robust to not feel as though their lives were being torn apart. Not everyone, and i do respect your views, but i think the majority, and I would be very sad if a half sibling read your posts and as a result did not contact me. I also think that making the young man "special" simply because he is adopted is kinda insulting to most of us normal, welladjusted, robust adoptees - surely the more vulnerable person in this scenario is the younger one, ie the girl? And I agree with a pp that the OP's responsibility is to do the best thing for her child, not someone else's. If the young man or the situation is "special" then this would come out if contact is made via proper channels. It seems my experience of adoption is very different from yours and your family's, though, and I respect your views.

That's fine Post- and I also respect your views. But take my dad for example- he is definitely a well-adjusted adoptee- and never showed any interest whatsoever in finding out anything about his biological parents. My grandparents knew everything about them- and kept in contact for a few years- and when my Dad (who knew he was adopted) was 16, they asked him if he would like to contact them, he said no.

This girl is not adopted. It really is not about her. Vulnerable in the sense that she doesn't know what damage she is capable of doing- maybe. But I'd wager that other posters are spot on- it's a romanticised long lost brother teenage soap/trashy novel storyline. Except it isn't. It's real lives she'll be messing with. And even if it is all hearts and flowers and he welcomes her with open arms it still has the potential, as a scenario, to wreck 2 families. And that's where absolutely the OP's responsibility is to her child- to make sure she doesn't have that responsibility on her shoulders afterwards. There is a very good reason why specialists are given the job of reuniting families if they want to be reunited. It should not fall to a 14 yr old on FB!