To contact his mum?

[saltyshoes]

When DH was 17 he got a girl pregnant at Uni having a one night stand. She left Uni to have the baby and wanted nothing to do with DH. There was some doubt as to whether DH was the father at all. Three years later a social worker contacted DH and told him the mum wanted to marry and wanted her partner to adopt the boy. DH gave up his parental rights so the boy could be adopted by the mums partner.

That boy is now in his 20s and we have children together. Oldest DD has always known about her half-brother existed. She has turned 14 and is now on Facebook and has found him. She is very keen to contact him. DH is very hesitant as he's not even sure the boy knows he's adopted as the mum didn't want him to know. DH wrote to the mum but has never had a reply. I've explained to DD that this all very sensitive and could be upsetting but she's 14 and just doesn't get it and feels she didn't sign off on not contacting him. I'm afraid she's going to send him a message and feel like it might be best if I try to contact the mum to see if she will respond to me? Or should DH contact the boy?

DH doesn't want to upset him but is unsure what on earth is the best way forward. A random message from DD is surely not the best first contact?

I don't think DH did the wrong thing to tell the kids. DH could never have foreseen the advent of Facebook and how that might play out. He was more thinking that the boy might come back looking someday and he didn't want it to be a surprise to our kids. His inclusion in our will means they would have found out eventually

I agree that DH did the right thing in telling your DD, for the very reason you mention. It'd be a huge shock to DD/your other children if some guy turned up out of the blue one day and said "hi! I'm your brother!"

It certainly wouldn't be fair for one child (boy) to know about the other (DD), whilst the other remains in the dark, especially if there's a risk the boy might seek her/your family out at some point.

Just because the boy hasn't made contact yet doesn't mean he won't want to in the future. Which makes letting the other kids know about him as they grow up even more of a correct choice.

However, I disagree about providing for him in the will. I can understand his reasoning, but on the very extremely off chance the boy doesn't know the situation with his dad, that's going to come as one hell of a shock. Worse, as DH will be dead, there won't be any chance for the boy to talk to DH if he wants to. Alternatively, it may stir up very negative emotions for him to receive this money from someone, who, he may well perceive as having abandoned him.

Suggestions by PP to ban DD from Facebook are pointless. She'll just start up another one again in secret or keep tabs on the brother via one of her friends' accounts. That horse has well and truly bolted. At least this way, you can keep an eye on her legitimate account (not that that could stop her from opening up a second account anyway).

I like a PP suggestion of maybe quietly sussing things out via a mutual friend/s, as it seems you're not going to get anywhere with the boy's mum.

OP, are your other children aware of this current situation? Are they older or younger than DD?

Leave him alone! he is in his 20 and I doubt he'd even be bothered to get to know your DD of 14 years old. Might sound harsh but I bet true!

His mother has not left nothing open in case her child wanted to know his biological parent. He's no better for giving up his rights he should have fought for his child. He thought he was doing the right thing at the time I wonder if he feels the same now. She clearly doesn't want anything to do with him or his daughter or she would have responded. What if he does want to know where he comes from. My friend had to go through the care system to find her father. She went to live with him. Don't let your daugter do it on her own get outside support tread carefully you don't know what his reaction will be.

I agree with MrsX, actually. She'll be just a random 14 year old.

Who grew up with the father who signed away all rights to parenthood with him. I can't imagine why everyone's expecting some big joyful reunion scene

Sorry, haven't read whole thread. From reading the original post, I would say you are going to have to explain to your DD that she could be potentially turning someone's whole life upside down contacting him and it isn't her place. The poor boy might not even know he's adopted.

Waitrose sorry if my post shocked you but I don't have it in me to behave like that. The step dad done the right thing he wanted to bring him up as his own. If it was me I wouldn't hold back from my children I would tell them the truth. I would give them a choice if they wanted to see their biological dad later. Everyone has a right to know where they come from. The op's posts sounds as if she cut him off and run.

You will have to tread so carefully with this, is your dh 100% the father? It would be an horrendous if this can of worms was opened and he wasn't psychologically for everyone especially this young man

Why is there this amount of scorn directed towards his biological father?

A very good friend of mine got pregnant when she was a teen and she gave the baby up for adoption. She is (was? Idk, we don't live in the same country anymore) my best friend so I was bascially present during the whole decision making etc... (the biological father wasn't interested)

It was probably the hardest thing she ever had to do. But knowing that her child is loved and in a stable family (she gets updates) was worth it for her. Because there's no way she could have taken care of that child.

Idk... Letting a child be adopted can be for the best.

She got married a few years ago and has 2 children now.

What I don't understand is this. If her biological daughter could contact these children (later, obviously) and potentially interrupt their lives. Then why is it so outrageous if these children did the same?

The mum named DH as the father when the baby was born. One of their mutual male friends at the time commented to DH that he'd had a lucky escape because he too had slept with the same girl around the same time.

I've now seen the boy's Facebook profile and I do think DH is the father. I think part of what DD found shocking was that when she clicked on it her first thought was that he was cute. When she then realised who she was looking at felt slightly horrified. It's been a bit of a relief for DH that he looks very happy and settled. He graduated from uni, has a girlfriend and seems happy. Lots of sunny holiday photos etc. You can never of course know what someone's life is really like but it is reassuring.

I think there are only 2 possible scenario's here:

1. either the young man does know his father is his adoptive father and has chosen not to contact his biological father for any number of reasons (although may do so in the future).
2. he does not know about the adoption

In either case an unsolicited FB message from a 14 year old who, by the very nature of being 14 years old, is not likely to so so sensitively is hardly the way to handle this (never mind the fact the social media is entirely the wrong method of making contact in this sort of situation). In the latter situation it has the very real possibility that this would, metaphorically speaking, be like throwing a grenade into the middle of this life. You have no idea what is going on in his life right now.

If the former, the DD may well get ignored or an actively frosty reception, whilst he may be upset to be contact. The potential for this to end badly for either, or both, parties is quite significant. There is, of course, a possibility in either scenario that he is happy to be contacted- but that's a big risk to take with someone else's life, IMHO. As such, it would be a very selfish and reckless thing to do.

That said, I understand why OPs DD would want to contact her (biologically speaking) half-brother. 14 years old is probably too young to understand the potential implications of contacting this young man, but is certainly not too young to have them explained to her. She needs to be helped to understand the potential consequences of her actions and why it would be irresponsible to act on her wants/rights- although she says this is about him being angry if he finds out later, I strongly suspect the biggest driver is that she would like to get to know him.

She may not have "signed up" to the situation, but that is because it was not her place to do so. OP and her DH need to help their DD understand that, and be shown that there is a better way of dealing with this situation and not everything in right can be "fair". In this instance, his right to decide whether to contact his biological family, trumps her right to contact him because she wants to.

I would encourage DD to leave information (via you if necessary) with the registers mentioned by PP's, this would mean he would know that she would welcome contact if he decided he wanted to initiate it. I would also make one last effort to contact the young man's mum and explain that DD wants to make contact and you think she may well do so, despite the fact you have asked her not to.

Your daughter absolutely cannot contact this guy, that's abhorrant. Any contact has to be initiated by your husband the boys father. Your daughter is behaving terribly and uou need to control the situation. The amount of pain she could cause is huge. She cannot throw that bomb into his life.

Contact the appropriate authorities to ensure that if he wishes to contact your husband he can and leave it there, possibly contact the mother again, but without knowledge of the situation no one can just lob a hand grenade into his life much less your daughter.

Your dd needs to understand she isnt allowed to contact him and if she does then a punishment should be put in place. 14 is plenty old enough to understand.

So, there's doubt over whether the young man is the biological child of your DH or his best friend? And you still put him in your will? It's all very, very odd...
The 14 year old madam needs to be told to stay out of it. What encouraged her to start looking for him? She'd have needed far more than his first name, that is simply not credible.

What encouraged her to start looking for him? She'd have needed far more than his first name, that is simply not credible.

not really. Unique names do exist. In my home country there have only been 3 people (according to the register) with the same name as I. And it's not very different in the UK.

She knew the name, he commented on the photo of a mutual friend and ta-daa. I don't see what's so strange about that...

I think it should be your husband and dd doing it together. Does your dh want to contact his son. If you do it with her it might send out the wrong message. Your dd will contact him eventually and your dh doesn't need permission from the mother he's a grown man now.

She's lucky that she knows that he's her brother.
What if:
They met years later and fancied each other wouldn't that be incest.

She picked the best bloke out of the two.

There was some doubt as to whether DH was the father at all. Three years later a social worker contacted DH and told him the mum wanted to marry and wanted her partner to adopt the boy.

I am very confused; if there was doubt that DP was the father he would not be named on the birth certificate without a DNA test. If he is not on the birth certificate he is not the father in the eyes of the law, therefore a social worker would not contact him regarding giving up parental responsibility.

allchattedout

There are lots of step families where children are adopted by the step-parent. David Tennant adopted his wife's first child for example.

Not all adoptions take place against a background of abuse and it is a nonsense for a lawyer who works in the field to claim so.

In this case it seems that the mother's new partner wanted to adopt her son which is not unusual.

She picked the best bloke out of the two.

Oh, come on. The OP's DH was 17 - barely older than their DD is now! None of us know the people in question but I would imagine there was a lot of parental involvement in the big decisions here. This isn't the same as a grown 20-something walking away from a pregnant girlfriend.

London we know one side, how do you know she cut him off and ran?
If you ask my Daughter's biological Dad, I'm an evil monster that wouldn't let him see his child (I know, the other lady he left pregnant found me and told me...) beat him, robbed him, was generally a despicable human being...Except in the Adoption report when presented with the dozens of emails, proof of texts etc where he was invited to every scan, appointment, Birthday and didn't once respond.
You never know someone's story but judging the two people that have stuck around and bought this boy up for 20 odd years seems wrong to me...

Not necessarily true ClarkW my dh adopted my dd a few years ago. Her biological father isn't on the birth certificate, firstly because he doesn't live in this country but also because despite me giving him the forms and asking him to complete them so I could add him he never did.
Despite that the social worker did make contact with him to ask his views on the adoption.

I am very confused; if there was doubt that DP was the father he would not be named on the birth certificate without a DNA test. If he is not on the birth certificate he is not the father in the eyes of the law, therefore a social worker would not contact him regarding giving up parental responsibility.

^Nope, I couldn't put the donor on the birth certificate because we weren't married and he wouldn't attend the registration. Still had to get his permission for my Husband to adopt my Daughter.

Completely agree with waitrose too. According to dd biological father its my fault he has no relationship with her...obviously he fails to tell everyone that even despite us being in the same country of him for her fist year he saw her 6 times for 10 minutes each despite me doing everything I could to let him take on his responsibilities to her. He didn't put himself on her birth cert despite me sorting out everything he needed to do so. And when the sw contacted him about the step-parent adoption, other than the initial call which he accepted (and said he was too busy to talk about it fully at that time could the sw ring him back) then ignored the subsequent calls....

Nope, I couldn't put the donor on the birth certificate because we weren't married and he wouldn't attend the registration. Still had to get his permission for my Husband to adopt my Daughter.

Wow that is crazy! Thanks for clarifying. I always thought that if 'father' wasn't on the birth certificate then they were not legally the father.