To contact his mum?

[saltyshoes]

When DH was 17 he got a girl pregnant at Uni having a one night stand. She left Uni to have the baby and wanted nothing to do with DH. There was some doubt as to whether DH was the father at all. Three years later a social worker contacted DH and told him the mum wanted to marry and wanted her partner to adopt the boy. DH gave up his parental rights so the boy could be adopted by the mums partner.

That boy is now in his 20s and we have children together. Oldest DD has always known about her half-brother existed. She has turned 14 and is now on Facebook and has found him. She is very keen to contact him. DH is very hesitant as he's not even sure the boy knows he's adopted as the mum didn't want him to know. DH wrote to the mum but has never had a reply. I've explained to DD that this all very sensitive and could be upsetting but she's 14 and just doesn't get it and feels she didn't sign off on not contacting him. I'm afraid she's going to send him a message and feel like it might be best if I try to contact the mum to see if she will respond to me? Or should DH contact the boy?

DH doesn't want to upset him but is unsure what on earth is the best way forward. A random message from DD is surely not the best first contact?

If there were doubts he was even the father why did he have parental responsibility? He wouldn't be on the birth certificate so he'd be considered putative and permission for adoption wouldn't be needed...

If there were doubts he was even the father why did he have parental responsibility? He wouldn't be on the birth certificate so he'd be considered putative and permission for adoption wouldn't be needed...

Maybe he was just kind of privately "doubting" it?

I'm not sure why the children had to know...? I mean. Your DH chose to sever this connection. He made the choice for them. If they were told they had a halfbrother? Seems cruel...

Has it ever been established that the young man is actually your DHs?

It is very unlikely that he doesn't know he was adopted by her new husband - your DH wrote to the mother recently, if she was foolish enough not to tell him before then, she surely has done by now. Also, your husband and the mother have mutual friends and they're all on bloody Facebook, so it's extremely unlikely that he doesn't know.

So you can only assume that he doesn't want contact.

I have adopted children, all now adult. None of them have ever wished to contact any of their half "siblings", several of whom have also been adopted. They would have been horrifed if they received a facebook message from any of them, particularly in their younger years. In order to protect everybody this is why nobody will ever know their surnames, as they do not know the surnames of any of the others who were adopted.

Some of my children have learning disabilities/ASD and of course none of their birth family would know that. They do not understand boundaries and emotions, though from seeing a facebook page you would not know that. What if your DH's birth son has vulnerabilities of some sort? Nobody knows his life, or his situation, what if he had mental health issues, or was unable to understand the process of adoption. Or be unable to understand that he has half siblings by birth, but not legally? What if contact could endanger him, or endanger your DD. I know this maybe unlikely, but as you know little of him, anything at all is possible. Could you perhaps explain some of this to your DD?

In one way I understand your DH's need to talk of and leave the boy something in his will, but it is also this need that has created this potentially dangerous situation.

Your DD I also feel sad for, and particularly at that age will believe she knows best and her own wishes will pre dominate. But she could destroy lives - and ulitmately cause emotional distress to herself.

I wish you the best and hope you can persuade your DD not to do this. In answer to your intiial question I guess contacting the mother is the lesser evil, but I really feel you should do nothing and respect the legal decisions that were made back then.

Adoption papers do not remove the fact that you are biologically related to someone

Nor does sperm or egg donation remove a biological link between the child and the donor. Doesn't mean the donor is the parent though. Legal parenthood is about more than biology.

It fucking enrages me when people rabbit on about biology and blood family. Until I gave birth I'd never met anyone I share DNA with, it doesn't mean I don't have a family. If my biological mother and father have gone on to have more kids, they are not my siblings. Sharing DNA doesn't make you a family and it certainly doesn't give someone the right to turn another person's life upside down for their own selfish reasons.

Amen to that.

It is about her. Its about her identity and her family. She has more rights in this than OP.

Obviously, but the point is that she absolutely does not have more rights than her half brother. He has to come first as the person who is central to this and who stands to be very badly hurt if it is handled wrongly.

Her half brother has as much right to know and there is no immediate way to know whether contact would be good or bad.

What the law says in this situation is that it is for an adopted child who wants to know his birth parent to make the first move; it doesn't have a mechanism for facilitating the birth parent in doing so. That is because it is generally recognised that this has to come from the adopted child and no-one else. He has a right to know he is adopted, but that is between him and his mother and adoptive father. He also has a right to know who his natural father is, if he wants to know - that knowledge shouldn't be imposed on him if he doesn't want it. And if that applies to his father, it applies all the more to his half siblings.

OP, I agree that someone should contact the mother, simply because there is now too much danger that, no matter how much you forbid your daughter from making contact, she will still do so. It is then up to the mother to decide what she wants to do about that.

I'm sorry but I am the mother in this situation. And my daughter's father, suddenly after a year, wants nothing to do with her. So I can't help siting here thinking bad things about your DH.....signed away his own flesh & blood? Instead of fighting for contact? What the....... This may come across as harsh, but in my current circumstances I'm hardly likely to think any differently am I? I see his actions as utterly disgraceful, immature and couldn't imagine anyone wanting to marry a man that could sign his own child away. Regardless of ANY circumstances. Apologies for any offence caused. Just my raw, honest opinion. Free speech and all that...
With regards to your dilemma. I don't see the problem. If he was 16 I would agree with PP as he may not know. But if he is in his twenties then he will have seen his birth certificate by now. And if your daughter wishes to contact her own brother then why not?? Let her go for it. It's her very own right to do so

*sitting

Plenty of kids go to uni Bant, especially 20-odd years ago and outside of England.

I honestly think the adoption is a bit of a red herring. He was raised by his birth mum and by his dad, who formalised the relationship by adopting him; this is quite different to him having been adopted from care. Like I said, I was in a not dissimilar situation to the son and would have welcomed being approached.

If the (now adult - I think some posters seem to have missed that) son knows about his half-sibling then he might feel the same. It would be wrong for the OP's DD to contact the son though - it really should come from his mum.

But if he is in his twenties then he will have seen his birth certificate by now

Not necessarily. He may not have had any reason to see it.

IIt's possible that the boy (young man, actually!) is not contacing your children because he's upset they may not know`?

This is a difficult situation.

But I do think that your priority has to be the wellbeing of your own children. And contacting him via facebook may also end very badly for your daughter...

"I honestly think the adoption is a bit of a red herring. He was raised by his birth mum and by his dad, who formalised the relationship by adopting him; this is quite different to him having been adopted from care."

In this situation though, there's a lot more chance he might not be aware that his dad is not his birth dad. He should know, but it may have been kept from him and he could have seen just his original birth cert.

signed away his own flesh & blood? Instead of fighting for contact? What the.......

I have the utmost respect for parents who recognise they cannot give their children the life they deserve, and are willing to allow someone else to do so.

For many of these parents it is the hardest, bravest and most selfless thing they will ever do.

The OP's DH didn't 'sign away' his son, he allowed the man who was raising him to have legal parental rights.

And while appreciate this topic must be very emotive for you and I'm truly sorry for the situation you're in, your advice that the OP's DD should contact this man is at best ignorant and at worst dangerous. She could destroy so many lives.

In defence of the OP's husband for a minute, I can see how he somehow didn't severe all emotional ties towards the son and talked about him to his other children.

The boy wasn't given up for adoption by both parents and taken to live in some other part of the country and brought up by people unknown to them, but stayed with his birth mother. And from the sound of it the husband has probably always known where the boy was and what he was doing, particularly with he and the mother having mutual friends.

signed away his own flesh & blood? Instead of fighting for contact? What the

Agree with pp, he did a selfless thing. Fighting for contact at any cost is not always best for the child. Often it's more about the parent than the child. He was very young, had no relationship to the boy and did this in order that the man who was now raising him should have the legal status of being a parent and should be recognised as the most important person in the boy's life.

He obviously did not take it lightly. He still talks about him and wants to make provision for him in his will, but anonymously, thereby respecting the fact that he is no longer this boy's father. I would actually not say that was heartless or cruel.

The OP said in her opening post that her DH has already written to the mother, so there is no way that this young man doesn't know that his dad adopted him. The mother would then surely have told him, if she hadn't before, particularly if she was told a 14 year old was planning to make contact!

westfacing

if she saw the message.

Isn't it possible to have your privacy setting adjusted so only people you've befriended can message you? I may be wrong...

The OP didn't say her husband contacted the mother via Facebook.

They have mutual friends, I'd have thought he would have used one of them, or some other way.

There's a register, a national register that you can join if you are adopted or if someone in your family has been, and you want to make contact. If an adopted person has joined that register because they are open to being contacted, then any registration by a biological family member will be flagged to them. Importantly it is for the adopted person to decide if any contact then happens, and as I remember there is counselling available too. I don't know the current rules of the scheme but I wonder if it might be a good place to direct your DD if she is likely to turn to FB otherwise?

He was at uni when he was 17?

Seriously?

It's very common where I am.

I had friends who attended after 5th year and were at uni aged sixteen.

Westfacing, you can't make any assumptions about what the mother might have done. She might not have received the letter, she might have chosen not to open it (especially if she realised who it was from), she might have decided to stick her head in the sand. I realise all of that is extremely hypothetical, but the point is that if OP's DD goes steaming in with an assumption that the half brother already knows and he doesn't, she could do untold damage.

Saor exactly that

No, you need to tell your daughter that she is not to contact him. 14 is old enough to know that finding something like that out can ruin a family. A family that she is no part of.

None of you know this person so do not know anything about his mental health or even what he is going through at the moment

Saor. But if your biological mum discovered a genetic issue that could be dealt with if treated early enough would you want her to let all her biological children know, including you, or just leave you to your fate?