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Original poster

To contact his mum?

204 replies

saltyshoes · 08/03/2017 17:32

When DH was 17 he got a girl pregnant at Uni having a one night stand. She left Uni to have the baby and wanted nothing to do with DH. There was some doubt as to whether DH was the father at all. Three years later a social worker contacted DH and told him the mum wanted to marry and wanted her partner to adopt the boy. DH gave up his parental rights so the boy could be adopted by the mums partner.

That boy is now in his 20s and we have children together. Oldest DD has always known about her half-brother existed. She has turned 14 and is now on Facebook and has found him. She is very keen to contact him. DH is very hesitant as he's not even sure the boy knows he's adopted as the mum didn't want him to know. DH wrote to the mum but has never had a reply. I've explained to DD that this all very sensitive and could be upsetting but she's 14 and just doesn't get it and feels she didn't sign off on not contacting him. I'm afraid she's going to send him a message and feel like it might be best if I try to contact the mum to see if she will respond to me? Or should DH contact the boy?

DH doesn't want to upset him but is unsure what on earth is the best way forward. A random message from DD is surely not the best first contact?

OP posts:
SpreadYourHappiness · 08/03/2017 18:26

This makes me exceptionally angry. I am adopted and if some random child contacted me like that I'd be furious. Blood means nothing - she is not his sibling and she needs to be aware of that.

He has a family, and your DH and DD are not, never have been, and never will be, it.

Your DH was incredibly stupid for revealing his name, and your DD is being very, very selfish wanting to contact him.

flapjackfairy · 08/03/2017 18:28

I cant understand why you would put him in your will?

VintagePerfumista · 08/03/2017 18:28

My Dad was adopted, and my grandparents always told him who his birth family were. He wanted to have no contact with them. If this adult has not contacted the OP's husband (despite there clearing being links via friends etc) I think it can be assumed he doesn't want to.

She is old enough to know that she will be opening a serious can of worms for this man and his family if she carries on. She has no rights whatsoever, and harsh though it sounds, neither does your husband.

donquixotedelamancha · 08/03/2017 18:29

"Your DD needs to understand that this isn't about her, she could be turning somebody's life upside down for her own selfish reasons which isn't fair"

It is about her. Its about her identity and her family. She has more rights in this than OP. Normally it would be DH's place to say, but given he has behaved badly, no wonder she doesn't want to leave it to him. Her half brother has as much right to know and there is no immediate way to know whether contact would be good or bad.

DH needs to get in touch with the his former partner and discuss the situation, expecting a teenager to just leave this definitely is unrealistic. He also need to apologise to his daughter and acknowledge her feelings.

Ultimately she may not be able to contact her brother. If she does want to try, please go through an adoption support charity so it is handled correctly.

P.S. Adoptee with birth siblings and an adoptive parent, so yes I have thought these ideas through.

VintagePerfumista · 08/03/2017 18:29

SpreadYourHappiness- you are absolutely spot on.

The OPs family (including the husband) need to leave this man and his family alone. They are nothing to him unless he wants them to be.

allchattedout · 08/03/2017 18:31

It is completely right that your DH should have told his children that this boy existed. My children are adopted and they know about the siblings that we know about even though they may never meet, but we explain why not. Perhaps that part needed firmer emphasis

I think that is different. Your children are adopted and you are giving them information about their background and where they came from. This girl is not adopted. She lives with both her parents and probably has a romantic notion about her big brother as a result of what she was told. She knows nothing about what sort of upbringing this boy had- he could potentially know about the adopting and be deeply resentful of his biological dad. I think if the DH felt he really had to tell his children, he should not have referred to him by his unusual first name. He could have made something up or said that he did not know what the boy's name was. Of course if you tell kids about them having a long lost sibling, they will want to meet them.

Floggingmolly · 08/03/2017 18:31

All sounds very strange... Your dd found him on Facebook by his first name (how unique can a name be??) only? No other details at all?
Hardly credible, tbh.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 08/03/2017 18:33

This happened to my ex many years ago. He was at work one day when a man and a woman came in with their child and it turned out that the man was his brother. Not just that, but he was also his full brother. This meant that he also discovered that the woman who had brought him up for all of those years wasn't his biological mother. He was stunned and he'd had no warning and no time to prepare himself. In fact, it was a very cruel thing to do.

ClaryIsTheBest · 08/03/2017 18:36

I have several half siblings. Seeing as neither of my parents have signed away their parental rights we are indeed legally and biologically related. And we do have very close relationships.

And whilst I do not think she should contact him I do understand that she wants to. Your husband made a decision for everybody involved. Whilst this was his right... Is it that hard to understand that a 14 yo may not be especially happy about this? Because she feels like a potentially meaningful relationship was taken from her? Or because she's simply curious?

You point out that IF he wants to know her then the mechanism is in place for him to contact his father and his father's family, but it absolutely HAS to be his decision, not hers.

Right. But to a 14 yo this probably seems inherently unfair. Because if one person has this right, then why doesn't she? I don't think that's enough to genuinely make her understand it. And it's also important to take her potential desires seriously but still make it clear that she should not contact him.

I think you need to sit down and have a long and serious talk with her and your husband.

She could do so much harm by doing this!!

ClaryIsTheBest · 08/03/2017 18:39

Of course if you tell kids about them having a long lost sibling, they will want to meet them.

Exactly. I think this whole thing was talked about in a very weird way.

Oldest DD has always known about her half-brother existed.

I'm not trying to point fingers. But I think that's where you went wrong. He is NOT her halfbrother. Your DH made this decision.

It seems cruel to me to have ever made her think she has a halfbrother.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 08/03/2017 18:42

Different circumstances, but if any of my half-siblings, as kids, had contacted me when I was in my 20s, I would have been cool about it. In fact I'd have positively welcomed it. I knew of their existence though, so it wouldn't have come as a shock. I have no idea if they know of my existence which is why I've never tried to make contact, despite us all being in our 40s by now (unless he went on to have even more - who knows?!).

SouthWestmom · 08/03/2017 18:45

So dh doesn't tell his dd he has a kid and several years down the line the dd is contacted and has to be told about a brother she never knew about?

That's the potential flip side.

Plus I think this is very different to an adoption from care.

My dd is adopted in a similar scenario. If she was contacted by a younger half sibling out the blue it wouldn't ruin her life, it would just be a decision whether to keep contact or not.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 08/03/2017 18:45

I think some posters might have misunderstood the adoption bit (or maybe I have?). As I understood the OP, the mum wanted her (then new) DH to adopt her son, and with that his birth father to (OP's DH) relinquish PR. She didn't actually give him up for adoption herself.

Marilynsbigsister · 08/03/2017 18:45

I agree that she must be told not to contact but have any of the posters who have suggested 'blocking' her Facebook ever spent a single moment in the real world it's a teenager ? As soon as she's blocked she will simply open another account on a friends phone - if she is that desperate to make contact. I'm sorry but the genie is out of the bag with this one. Your DH best bet is to contact the mother and put her in the picture asap. She will then know if the boy wants contact from half siblings - also to let her earn her son what might happen. Block Facebook? About as hopeful as herding cats !

HamletsSister · 08/03/2017 18:46

Tell your DD about my family.

My Dad had 2 children, then 4 more (2 marriages) then 2 more with an affair. Family 1 knew about all 3 families, as did family 2, once old enough. Family 3, the affair, had been told their Dad was dead when my Dad and their Mum "lost" contact (.actually, my Dad married woman no 4 - no kids)

DD from family 1 contacted family 3 and turned their lives upside down. Their beloved mother had bought them up on her own, no money, no support. DD wanted to know them. Their lives were transformed by the knowledge of their Mum's lies.

I am family 2 and did not want to condone it but DD from family 1 refused to listen and was egged on by 1 of my full sisters.

So much pain for no reason other than curiosity and entitlement.

Marilynsbigsister · 08/03/2017 18:47

Earn - Warn

allchattedout · 08/03/2017 18:48

As I understood the OP, the mum wanted her (then new) DH to adopt her son, and with that his birth father to (OP's DH) relinquish PR. She didn't actually give him up for adoption herself

Yes, that's right. She would presumably have adopted her own child jointly with her new husband and this would have severed any legal ties with the OP's DH and his family.

Dumbstrucked · 08/03/2017 18:53

This is very odd and doesn't make sense.

SallyGinnamon · 08/03/2017 18:54

In fact, it was a very cruel thing to do.

Surely the cruel thing was not to tell someone that they're adopted. That's lying by omission.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2017 18:58

I'm an adopted child and I think she should be forbidden to contact him. My opinion is that the adopted person should be the one to initiate any contact. I go along with the train of thought that says that if this young man wanted to know about his 'other family' he would have contacted your DH long since. Although, he was only three when he was adopted by his stepdad and he may very well not realize that he is not his bio father. There are plenty of reasons they could have given him to cover up his adopted father not being in his life earlier.

But, I think it's highly likely that your DD will find a way to contact him. So I think the best thing to do would be to message his mother and warn her. I'd explain that DD has been forbidden, but that you are concerned that she may disobey so you felt it best to let her know. If nothing else, it will give her a chance to prepare her son. And remember that you only have until DD is of legal age and then she'll probably contact him anyway. I'm not sure if that would be age 16 or 18 since I'm in the US. But that could mean that she might legally contact him in less than 2 years.

Crispbutty · 08/03/2017 19:07

Adoption papers do not remove the fact that you are biologically related to someone Hmm

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 08/03/2017 19:12

Adoption papers do not remove the fact that you are biologically related to someone

But they DO remove the legal standing as family and they do mean the biological father in this case relinquished his rights and responsibilities and therefore has no right to disrupt or allow a member of his family to disrupt this boy's life. If any of my biological family came knocking they'd be told, firmly, that I have a family, and it's not them. My biological mother, I'd thank her for her bravery, and her decision to give me life and give me up, which imo was extremely selfless and courageous. But she's not my Mum, in any way.

Crispbutty · 08/03/2017 19:16

Maybe now that my adopted parents are dead, and I have no other relatives at all, contacting my birth mother, and now having a relationship with a few of my biological cousins makes me see it differently to others.

"Cousins" and other family who I knew all my life, who were related to my adoptive parents wanted nothing to do with me as I wasn't "real" family.. I don't have any blood link to them, and after my parents death they dropped me from their lives.

Derlei · 08/03/2017 19:16

But you said that there were doubts your DH was even the father. So why tell your children that they have a long lost sibling when actually you don't know that for a fact

Bantanddec · 08/03/2017 19:20

He was at uni when he was 17?

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