To contact his mum?

[saltyshoes]

When DH was 17 he got a girl pregnant at Uni having a one night stand. She left Uni to have the baby and wanted nothing to do with DH. There was some doubt as to whether DH was the father at all. Three years later a social worker contacted DH and told him the mum wanted to marry and wanted her partner to adopt the boy. DH gave up his parental rights so the boy could be adopted by the mums partner.

That boy is now in his 20s and we have children together. Oldest DD has always known about her half-brother existed. She has turned 14 and is now on Facebook and has found him. She is very keen to contact him. DH is very hesitant as he's not even sure the boy knows he's adopted as the mum didn't want him to know. DH wrote to the mum but has never had a reply. I've explained to DD that this all very sensitive and could be upsetting but she's 14 and just doesn't get it and feels she didn't sign off on not contacting him. I'm afraid she's going to send him a message and feel like it might be best if I try to contact the mum to see if she will respond to me? Or should DH contact the boy?

DH doesn't want to upset him but is unsure what on earth is the best way forward. A random message from DD is surely not the best first contact?

I am adopted and disagree with the posts which say it isn't about your dd - of course it is - it is her half sibling. However, it does need to be handled sensitively so you should deal with it initially, not your daughter. I am not sure it would be agood idea to entrust it to an overworked social worker, but i would get initial advice about how to do it from them. They may say you should contact the mother, or may give you details of an organisation who would do it on your behalf. And take it from there.

Have you watched Long Lost families Dartmoor, children are given up for a number of reasons. Say 50/60 years ago, mothers were practically forced to give up their children, and yes sometimes they do trace them. The children are now adults and most know they are adopted. If they don't want anything to do with their birth parents, then they decline them. Some want to know where they came from and what led them to be adopted. In op case, it would be unwise, especially a 14 year old contacting her potential half brother.

Ywbvvu to contact him, any of you. Your daughter is a child with a fantasy notion of a long lost sibling. It is your responsibility to stop her before she potentially cleaves that boy's whole life in two. It is not about you, your Dh or your daughter. It is all about him. Let him come to you and embrace him if he does but until then stay away and keep your child very firmly where she belongs.

I've not watched that no aero I'm adopt s and I prefer to ignore the fact, my family are awesome I don't need another one. It would really fuck me off if a half sibling messaged me. To my mind she would be nothing to do with me, blood doesn't make you family.

Of course the dd should be told no, and if she tries to contact him, she should be banned from Facebook. But I don't think she will be aware of the massive impact this would have on her potential half brother.

Aero then she needs to be made aware PDQ.

Yes, I agree you should not have told your DD his full name- there was no reason for this whatsoever. She has to be told very firmly that there is simply no way that she can contact this man. She could potentially end up destroying his life and turning it upside down.

Also agree with pps who have said she is NOT his sister. Biology means fuck all when a child has been adopted. It severs all links with the birth family.

DH told the kids he exists from the time they were little and used his rather unique first name because who refers to someone as "the boy"? He didn't want him to be a secret especially as he's in our will. DH commented on a photo of a friend on Facebook and so did the boy. DH and the mum still have mutual friends from uni. DD picked up that must be him.

When we had our wills done DH was adamant he be included which was fine by me. But it was done so he wouldn't know from whom the money came from for the precise reason as to not disrupt his life. DH is not a hard man to find if you Google his name so he has assumed either the boy doesn't know or doesn't wish to make contact.

I have made it perfectly clear to DD that she mustn't contact him but she protests and says what if he wants to know her and is angry later on? I suppose that's what made me think about it more and hence my post.

Your DD needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it is not her place to contact him. Explain the potential emotional fall out to her clearly and calmly. I would hope at 14 she'd understand the importance of waiting until he makes contact

Definitely block on her Facebook

I too am asking how she had enough info to go off to be able to track him

It wouldn't be fair to him or his parents

Of course she should t contact him! I'm with other pp in asking how the hell she knows enough to have found him.

Your dh gave up his rights- then what? Continued to talk about the boy as his? Dd has always known about her half brother? Why?!? To what end? There was no contact so why introduce the idea of half sibling to a child?! Of course she wants to contact him- YOU VE made him part of her life! A distant intriguing part. Why?!

I can understand this is hard for your DD, but she needs to hear that if he wanted to know her or your DH, he'd already have been in touch. It was very irresponsible to give her so much information.

Shouldn't

I have made it perfectly clear to DD that she mustn't contact him but she protests and says what if he wants to know her and is angry later on?

Explain to her that if he knew about the adoption and did want to know her, he would have contacted her. He has facebook and could have looked your DH up and seen that he had kids. The other alternative is that he has no clue he is adopted. How would she feel if she were suddenly told her dad was not her real dad? Tell her to have some empathy- this is really not about her.

I'm adopted and I can understand why she wants to contact him. But as I said above she mustn't be allowed to.

I disagree with posters who say he isn't her brother. Yes he is. They have the same biological father.

I have a biological brother who is older than me, who does know of my existence but I have never tried to contact him .. not yet anyway. It's something I am considering. I'm old enough at 47 to understand he may not want to acknowledge me though.

And yes, I don't think your DH should have told the kids about him at all. He was no longer his son at this stage. I appreciate that it was very difficult for him to give him up, but he really should have left it.

Wtf? He is no longer your dh's son as he decided many years ago but he's shared info about him with his children? Your dh is to blame for this and he needs to be fixing it not you.

Yes, there potentially could be fall out but if your DH and the mother of 'the boy' still have mutual friends then surely anybody could let the cat out of the bag.

If the boy's DM and adopted DF haven't told him by now then they're criminally irresponsible. They shouldn't let something as major as that be a secret.

Whether he'd like to meet a biological half sister is a different issue. But as an adult he can't be wrapped in tissue paper forever.

Tbh from your update it sounds like DD is going to contact him anyway which is really quite sad for the poor boy but maybe trying to get in contact with his mum first. Maybe if you can explain your DD found his details and wants to message him, you think she will even if you say not to and could the mother pre empt it.

Perhaps you could ask your daughter how painful she would find it if a total stranger messaged her to tell her that her dad is not her real dad. If he doesn't know this isn't the way to break it to him,he wouldn't forgive her.

It is completely right that your DH should have told his children that this boy existed. My children are adopted and they know about the siblings that we know about even though they may never meet, but we explain why not. Perhaps that part needed firmer emphasis.
I would not be surprised though if she goes ahead and contacts him when she's 18 if you "forbid" her now. I think you should contact the mum and tell her you are being very firm and she will not contact now but might do when she's an adult. So they need to think about how to talk to their son.
If they thought it could remain a secret they were deluded frankly.

I have made it perfectly clear to DD that she mustn't contact him but she protests and says what if he wants to know her and is angry later on?

You point out that IF he wants to know her then the mechanism is in place for him to contact his father and his father's family, but it absolutely HAS to be his decision, not hers. He is much more likely to be angry now if she contacts him when he isn't ready for it, hasn't indicated that he wants it, and may not know he's adopted.

I had a young man approach me and say I am your brother an aunt i knew told him about me when i dropped Dd off at nursery she had failed to tell me this though, it was like a slap in the face. I had last seen my bio dad when i was 3 i had no con e tion to this boy and no real interest in meeting him. I think you need to be very firm with your Dd as you said she is 14 long lost brothers is very exciting notion for a young teenager. Contact his mum instead of her doing it

Please get this moved to the Adoption topic where experienced adopters can advise you. It's very complex (I'm an adopter) and she should NOT contact him direct but with the help of post adoption support team.

Oh gosh-I'm glad I didn't have Facebook growing up. I'm adopted and never had any desire to find anyone growing up-was perfectly happy.
A member of my birth family contacted me a few years ago and I have to say, has been bloody awful.

Your DD is pretending she has his best interests at heart but really, it is she who wants to know him not the other way round. He may or may not be angry later on but that is not her call to make.

The fact that she 'could' make things worse is what should prevail here but I must say, the fact that she is on click away from contacting him, I'd be very worried she goes against your wishes anyway.