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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help. Advice please

123 replies

mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 22:45

Am I being unreasonable?
We live next door to my DH mother. My SIL has one DS who is 5 and lives around an hours drive away. She works full time.
I am a stay at home mum with 3 DC, 8yr, 12yr and 13yr. My DH works away and is home every 2nd week.
I try and arrange things to do with my DC when they are off school at weekends. My SIL turns up to see her mum most weekends as her DH works away too. My issue is that I always end up with SIL DS. I understand that he is not going to want to stay at nans house when his cousins are next door. I have no problem at all on having SIL DS if it was not so frequent and she were to phone and let me know she is coming and if it were convenient, or that I don't have anything arranged ( I can then plan accordingly). On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up. When this was mentioned to her she became very off and said she was coming to see her mum and could come when she liked without an invite!
It has got to the stage that when I see her car pull into the drive I have to quickly gather up my 3 DC and go out for the day.
This also happens whenever SIL DS is on school holidays only it's not just a weekend I have him, it's until the school goes back. She drops DS at her mums and heads back home, I have him then until she decides to come back for him ( which I never know when that is, it could be a week or 10 days)
I have asked my DH to have a word with her but he doesn't want to rock the boat as they had a big fall out around 3 yrs ago over the same issue.

OP posts:
AndShesGone · 07/03/2017 22:48

What does your mil say? She's the one supposed to be looking after him when he's left there

OwlinaTree · 07/03/2017 22:50

Take him back to your mil's when you want to go out.

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 22:50

She pops over to my house to check if he has eaten, that he is behaving ( which he always does - he is a great little guy )

OP posts:
Redken24 · 07/03/2017 22:53

Send her a bill for childcare. You need to put your foot down. Just cause your a sahm doesn't mean your a free childminder unless of course you agree to it. Taking complete advantage.

RandomMess · 07/03/2017 22:54

I think you just take him back around to MILs when you want time without him or to go.

"Back to grandma's DN we're going out now..."

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 22:55

Thanks for your reply owlinatree. I've tried that but I get tears from him and I feel awful then going out. I did do that once and I was about 20 mins away from my house when my mobile rang. It was my SIL in a rage that I had left him behind ! She didn't speak to me for nearly 3 mths after that.
So I now just take him with me. I do feel a bit used though 😟

OP posts:
Chocolatecake12 · 07/03/2017 22:56

I second taking him back when you want to go out.
It must be nice for him to come over and see his cousins but it's not fair on you to keep having him constantly.
Plan your weekends with your kids and decide beforehand if he can tag along or not. Do not change your plans but be firm and say it's not ok for you have him as you are off out.

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 22:57

Thanks redken24. That makes me feel a bit better. That I'm not being a complete bitch getting annoyed about it.

OP posts:
Lalunya85 · 07/03/2017 22:57

If you can't speak to her directly, you need to have a chat with your mil. She can't agree to have her grandchild around for days and then let him stay with you. That doesn't make any sense.

Actually, it's your dh who needs to talk to his mum. Not you.

Chocolatecake12 · 07/03/2017 22:58

Just read your update. Of course he will be upset but you are being walked over by your sil and she is emotionally blackmailing you.
Explain to him that he can come and play the next day or next weekend.
You really do need to be firm and stand up to her.

Redken24 · 07/03/2017 23:00

Honestly - you are definitely not being unreasonable at all. If your sister in law goes in a huff let her. It's courtesy to ask for things! It must be hard especially when you have three of your own kids that you want to spend time with. It sounds like your mother in law isn't much help either. Don't let it continue unless you want it to, either with some kind of boundaries or saying your piece. X

RandomMess · 07/03/2017 23:02

Erm yes he will be upset but MIL and SIL will have to deal with it.

So when she wasn't talking to you did she still let DN come around?

Astro55 · 07/03/2017 23:03

God yes be firmer - he is mot your responsibility- take him back - every time -

You've not been asked - your not being paid - bloody rude of her to treat you like an unpaid skivvy!!

How dare she complain!!!

Get a backbone and say no - if she ignores you for 3 months that's a bonus!

CatsBatsEars · 07/03/2017 23:05

Yanbu she's taking the piss.

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 23:05

Thanks randomness. Yes DN still came round. Didn't see SIL at all, during that time.

OP posts:
anothermalteserplease · 07/03/2017 23:05

Is she going to work or just going home to relax? Could you arrange for your kids to go to her house sometimes then it might not bother you so much?

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 23:07

Thanks everyone for your replies. It makes me feel much better that I'm not being unreasonable. 😊

OP posts:
PuddleJumper01 · 07/03/2017 23:10

How do the DC get on. Are they, for example, keen to have each other at their birthday parties.

I think your SIL is massively taking the piss, and your MIL and DH are complicit. But key for me would be the relationships between the children, and I would either facilitate or block dependent on that.

However, it doesn't mean your SIL shouldn't be acknowledging, grateful and appreciative. And perhaps that is what you need to work on?

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 23:11

It varies if its school holidays then SIL goes to work. My MIL travels on the train to go and collect DN and bring him back "to her house". As soon as DN arrives he runs over to my house.
If it is a weekend then SIL will bring him and then go off shopping or sit at her mums house.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 23:13

My DC see him as part of our family they love him to bits. DN is so used to being with us he just fits in

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 07/03/2017 23:14

Stop being a doormat, MIL and SIL are totally taking advantage of you.

Every time he appears at your house send him straight back to MIL, ignore his tears, they are just emotional blackmail.

If the SIL stops speaking to you, enjoy the peace and quiet! She is using silence to try to bully and manipulate you into doing what she wants, ignore it.

Never again change or cancel your plans to satisfy your MIL or SIL.

You have got the school Easter hols coming up soon, between now and the hols, keep saying to yourself "I will not be taken for a mug ever again".

AhNowTed · 07/03/2017 23:14

The sheer brass neck of some people.

She is massively taking advantage of your good nature, and emotionally blackmailing you

Okkitokkiunga · 07/03/2017 23:18

Alternatively, offer to adopt him as he spends so much time at yours Grin. Sorry not helpful.

BarbarianMum · 07/03/2017 23:22

So is having him the problem, or the fact that you are expected to do so (or a bit of both)? I can see that he's desperate to be with his cousins- my kids are too (they're the youngest in the family) and their cousins live close to granny. But sometimes they have to accept that it's not convenient or possible and the visit is "just" to granny and grandpa. We've had tears and disappointment over it (when they were smaller) but that's ok, we've had to learn to manage their expectations. Your sil will have to do likewise if you put your foot down when it's not convenient for you to have him or take him out.

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 23:22

Thanks okkitokkiunga. Made me laugh 😄

OP posts: