Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help. Advice please

123 replies

mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 22:45

Am I being unreasonable?
We live next door to my DH mother. My SIL has one DS who is 5 and lives around an hours drive away. She works full time.
I am a stay at home mum with 3 DC, 8yr, 12yr and 13yr. My DH works away and is home every 2nd week.
I try and arrange things to do with my DC when they are off school at weekends. My SIL turns up to see her mum most weekends as her DH works away too. My issue is that I always end up with SIL DS. I understand that he is not going to want to stay at nans house when his cousins are next door. I have no problem at all on having SIL DS if it was not so frequent and she were to phone and let me know she is coming and if it were convenient, or that I don't have anything arranged ( I can then plan accordingly). On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up. When this was mentioned to her she became very off and said she was coming to see her mum and could come when she liked without an invite!
It has got to the stage that when I see her car pull into the drive I have to quickly gather up my 3 DC and go out for the day.
This also happens whenever SIL DS is on school holidays only it's not just a weekend I have him, it's until the school goes back. She drops DS at her mums and heads back home, I have him then until she decides to come back for him ( which I never know when that is, it could be a week or 10 days)
I have asked my DH to have a word with her but he doesn't want to rock the boat as they had a big fall out around 3 yrs ago over the same issue.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 07/03/2017 23:24

Ada that's a really nasty way to speak about a little boy. Whoever's at fault here it's not him and I hope the OP won't be quite so dismissive of his feelings.

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 23:29

Hi barbarianmum. I think you have hit the nail on the head. It's the fact that I am am expected to have him. With no thought from SIL or MIL that it may not always suit/ fit in with our plans.
I think if I even got a "thank you for having him," it would make me feel like I'm not just being taken for granted.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/03/2017 23:32

Send your children round to their granny's and go out shopping or to the hairdresser's or whatever. What's sauce for the goose, and all that.

You could suggest that as she gets to spend every w/e child free that it would be fairer to alternate, same with school holidays. You have them all one day, she/mil has them all another day. Your mil may well have a word with sil.

GloGirl · 07/03/2017 23:32

She has to live somewhere near SOMETHING I'd turn up unannounced, drop all of your children off and say of course she wont mind but you have an decided to have a drop in session at the swimming pool, nail technician, local pound shop.

Walk away. Actually do it!!!

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 23:36

I have threatened to do that but my DH says that it's not the same. We have 3 DC and she only has one! She does live near a lovely shopping centre. Hmmm I feel a shopping trip coming on. LOL

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 07/03/2017 23:43

BarbarianMum
This isn't a thread about how to be sweet and kind to a little boy, it's a thread about how to help stop MIL and SIL taking advantage of the OP's kind nature.

BarbarianMum · 07/03/2017 23:47

..and the way to achieve that is not to ascribe ulterior motive to a small child.Hmm I'm sure if the OP was prepared to just tell him to fuck off she'd not have posted....

scallopsrgreat · 07/03/2017 23:56

And what is your DH doing about this! How is he addressing your SILs and MILs behaviour? How is he supporting you in tackling his family's sense of entitlement?

38cody · 08/03/2017 01:06

Move?

Astro55 · 08/03/2017 08:01

You keep saying you've disappointed the boy - when in fact either MIL or SIL have done that by not checking with you - they haven't asked and managed his expectations - not you - you aren't tonknow when he's about or not - so stop feeling guilty on that's score!

They need to entertain him - not you - and you're DC may love him as part of the family but do they really want him around all weekend?

Writerwannabe83 · 08/03/2017 08:07

I can't believe people like this exist!!

Sounds like your husband is being very cowardly - how convenient that you're the one having to deal with it whilst he works away and can just turn a blind eye to it.

I don't know what the answer is but you are absolutely not being unreasonable. It really, really isn't on.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 08/03/2017 08:15

And when you have that cancel planned days which your children which one of them is worrying about your children's disappointment??

I think you need to stop talking to your dh, ignore him and when he asks why tell him he didn't mind seeing his wife upset because he was afraid sil wouldn't speak to so until he grows a pair then you'll just have the same attitude as sil as apparently then you can get away with anything

cauliwobbles · 08/03/2017 08:24

You need to move house or woman up.

Tell her you've made plans for the weekend on too many occasions that have been disrupted by her turning up and dumping her child onto you unannounced and from now on you need notice as well as £ to cover any activities that you pay out for. Tell her you're not an unpaid childminder and you feel she takes advantage of your good nature.

She won't cut you out forever as she needs you more than you need her.

And it's none of DHs business if he doesn't want to stand up for you then he doesn't get to tell you that you have to continue being a doormat.

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 08/03/2017 08:37

Move - yes. Believe me I've thought about it but this is my DC home and the only one they have ever had. They are so settled in the area with friends, activities and at school. We love our home. Smile

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 08/03/2017 08:48

It would definitely be easier to lay down some boundaries than uproot your family Wink

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 08/03/2017 09:00

My DD has just told me she has a sporting event I have to take her to this Sunday. I'm not going to take DN! I'm not expecting this move to go down well with SIL but I'm going to stick to my guns Will give you all an update after the event Confused

OP posts:
maras2 · 08/03/2017 09:09

Good luck.Smile

TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork · 08/03/2017 09:11

On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up

Then stop cancelling or changing plans. There is no mystery here, its not difficult. You just say "nice to see you SIL, but we're off out. See you later if you're still here when we get back, bye!"

Not si hard, is it?

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 08/03/2017 09:58

Thanks everyone for the advice. I definitely feel more empowered to act on the situation.
This was my first thread . It's been great getting the feedback. Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
MintyChops · 08/03/2017 11:44

YANBU in feeling used. Just mention to MIL that you are all out on Sunday so if DN is around it will not be possible for him to come over. At all. That way, you don't have to deal with tears when you have to send him home. Don't bother mentioning it to SIL, she hasn't asked you to take him, your MIL has so just put her straight to start with. Agree with PP saying your DH needs to stand up to his sister too, regardless of whether she gets the sulks or not.

devuskums · 08/03/2017 12:13

Could you plan to go places at weekend and holidays where you need to buy tickets in advance? Thrn when DN turns up at yours take him back and pointedly say you didn't book him a ticket as they hadn't asked for you to have him that day? And repeat until sil gets the message...?

hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2017 13:35

Well bless you for being so nice.
But don't be a doormat.
Stick to your guns this weekend and good luck!

FrenchLavender · 08/03/2017 13:56

On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up. When this was mentioned to her she became very off and said she was coming to see her mum and could come when she liked without an invite!

But why are you cancelling or altering your plans to fit in around SIL who isn't even visiting you specifically? Confused I can understand why it's awkward to turn DN away if you and the children are at home and doing nothing in particular, but why on earth would you cancel your own plans to fit in around your SIL turning up at her mothers?

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 08/03/2017 15:31

Okay. I will try and add a little more background info as to why I try to accommodate DN.
this situation has been going on since DN could walk unaided and could make his own way across the garden and into our house. DN has just turned 6.
Around 3 yrs ago. I had an optician app with my 3 DC. My DH was at home at the time. He said he would come with me to bring the children to the optician then we could go for lunch.
DN was taken back to granny's house and we set off. 20 mins into our journey my DH mobile rang. SIL was so angry and yelling down the phone " we had upset DN and how could we leave him behind?" There were alot of other choice words used but I won't go there!
My DH tried to explain that it was an appointment with the optician and the car was full. SIL wasn't having any of it.
DH turned the car around and went back to pick up DN. DH said I would have to take all DC on my own as there was no room in the car for him.
She never spoke to us for 3 mths after that.
Now unbeknown to us she was pregnant at the time. She miscarried and blamed it on the stress of the situation with us.
MIL backed up her claims and said we didn't appreciate that she works full time and that she was under a tremendous amount of stress. MIL couldn't understand what the big fuss is about with us having DN.
I have until now felt it was me in the wrong and that I should have him. That's why I asked for other opinions outside the family.
Sorry a bit long winded Confused

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2017 15:36

She blamed her miscarriage on you having an opticians appointment!??
Wow - that just about sums them all up then really.
Nothing will ever be their fault.
Time to take a step back I think.