Help. Advice please

[mummyhappiness]

Am I being unreasonable?
We live next door to my DH mother. My SIL has one DS who is 5 and lives around an hours drive away. She works full time.
I am a stay at home mum with 3 DC, 8yr, 12yr and 13yr. My DH works away and is home every 2nd week.
I try and arrange things to do with my DC when they are off school at weekends. My SIL turns up to see her mum most weekends as her DH works away too. My issue is that I always end up with SIL DS. I understand that he is not going to want to stay at nans house when his cousins are next door. I have no problem at all on having SIL DS if it was not so frequent and she were to phone and let me know she is coming and if it were convenient, or that I don't have anything arranged ( I can then plan accordingly). On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up. When this was mentioned to her she became very off and said she was coming to see her mum and could come when she liked without an invite!
It has got to the stage that when I see her car pull into the drive I have to quickly gather up my 3 DC and go out for the day.
This also happens whenever SIL DS is on school holidays only it's not just a weekend I have him, it's until the school goes back. She drops DS at her mums and heads back home, I have him then until she decides to come back for him ( which I never know when that is, it could be a week or 10 days)
I have asked my DH to have a word with her but he doesn't want to rock the boat as they had a big fall out around 3 yrs ago over the same issue.

No your DH was wrong - firstly he shouldn't have gone back - and secondly having gone back he should've either kept DN at home or he should've taken all the kids - none of this was your issue and his family are making you responsible!!

He isn't your responsibility and I'd have had words with DH!!

AND i didinatley wouldn't have had him after that!

Tel MIL that you won't be having him in future unless it's prearranged - and just because you don't get paid for you job - you still work

Does this sil want to spend any time with her child?

My god, you are an unpaid nanny and your SIL not only is massively entitled, but doesn't even appreciate you.

No bloody way should you be royally used like this.

Angry that you didn't take her child? Like how dare you! WTAF!

When does she take yours??

OP time to have a script ready:
No I'm busy today
No that doesn't suit
Not it's not convenient
No i have plans
No, no, no....,
No, and actually can you take my kids!!

Bloody hell, after that update I can only suggest that you move house.

Why are you and your DH so wet? You need to say no to all of them. Stop letting them all walk over you. I can't believe you change/cancel plans for your children in case DN gets upset. Fuck your SIL, your MIL and your DH. Put your children and you first and stand up for yourself.

Say no, leave him behind and let her do her worst. Do it again the next day. Do it the day after that. She will get the message. Either do something about it or accept it but don't let it happen and complain.

How would your children feel if they knew he was next door and not allowed in?

Would your MIL mind all three, or the one that gets in best with him?

I don't think that "your being a mug", this would be the norm in a lot of families.

She blamed you for the miscarriage??!!
She is a total chancer using you for free child care. Does she ever watch your children? Agree with others, you are being taken for a mug. I work part time so I can watch my kids, my sister seems to think I do nothing all day, she has free child care from our DM and in laws.

I feel sorry for your DN. both his mum and grandmother don't seem that interested in him and it sounds like you have been providing a lovely family life which it sounds like he is probably lacking. Of course you are not obliged to but if you look at things from your DN's perspective then what you are doing for him probably provided him with a lot of happiness which he might otherwise be lacking as well as a positive role model which he is deffo lacking by all accounts. Most on here are busy flaming your SIL which I think is warranted however, I'm concerned about the lack of perspective being given to your DN. you and your children may be a bit of a lifeline and the only real security he has. With that in mind I would be inclined to include him in your activities but ensure any costs are reimbursed by his mother who sounds pretty useless and v lazy. Do it for him and not your SIL and be satisfied that you are really being this young lad find his way in the world.

Wigbert
Why are you and your DH so wet? You need to say no to all of them. Stop letting them all walk over you. I can't believe you change/cancel plans for your children in case DN gets upset. Fuck your SIL, your MIL and your DH. Put your children and you first and stand up for yourself.

^ This, with bells on. Stop being a mug.

Just been over to my MIL house and said I won't be around on Sunday and that I am taking DD to a sporting event. I asked her if she would mind my Youngest DS and DN.
She hesitated then said that she hadn't seen her sister for ages and she thought she should go and see her on Sunday!
I said I wouldn't be able to take DN with me on Sunday. She then asked ( in a very put out manner ) "would I be around on Saturday ?"

I told her I would be out on Saturday too. It didn't go down too well with her. Aaahhhh!!!

Good for you op, make sure you stick to it. They'll soon bloody learn. Well done.

Why not contact sil and ask her to take your 3 for a weekend? Making sure you let her know it's a return favour for all the looking after you do of dn?

Good for you!!!

You have just exposed her for what she really is - using you for childcare for DN!

Good-well done. It's a step in the right direction. Will you, DH and all children be going in a car together to this event on Sunday? I expect your sister in law will be in touch when she finds out-asking you to take him in a second car, or asking your DH to stay at home with your nephew. Have reasons prepared!

Thanks for all feedback. There are so many that I can't reply to them all.
A few of you have asked if SIL minds my 3DC. She took my youngest DS to the zoo one afternoon last summer with DN. Apart from that no she doesn't mind my DC.

My DH away at work this weekend. I'll have to find something to do on Saturday, now that I've told MIL I won't be here

Well you don't have to go out, stay in if she asks say you changed your mind!

Well your 'something to do' could be housework or homework or catching up on sleep - how you spend your Saturday with your family is not her concern!!

Wow OP she is massively taking advantage of you.

You can still have DN round but you need to be having your own family time too.

SIL sounds so entitled and your DH needs to stand up to her too.

Well done for saying you are busy this weekend, I know it's hard but stick to your guns!

Could you suggest it's more of a reciprocal agReement. So next week you can babysit for me.
Be explicit.

Well done OP, your MIL's reaction is very telling; she doesn't want to puss her daughter off so takes her DGS but expects you to actually do the minding. Stay in on Saturday if you like, you don't have to report in to her.

Surely it would be a good thing if you offended SIL by refusing to be an unpaid nanny and she stopped speaking to you. I'm not sure why that would be a bad thing? She sounds utterly awful.