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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help. Advice please

123 replies

mummyhappiness · 07/03/2017 22:45

Am I being unreasonable?
We live next door to my DH mother. My SIL has one DS who is 5 and lives around an hours drive away. She works full time.
I am a stay at home mum with 3 DC, 8yr, 12yr and 13yr. My DH works away and is home every 2nd week.
I try and arrange things to do with my DC when they are off school at weekends. My SIL turns up to see her mum most weekends as her DH works away too. My issue is that I always end up with SIL DS. I understand that he is not going to want to stay at nans house when his cousins are next door. I have no problem at all on having SIL DS if it was not so frequent and she were to phone and let me know she is coming and if it were convenient, or that I don't have anything arranged ( I can then plan accordingly). On numerous occasions I have had to cancel or change what I have planned because she has just turned up. When this was mentioned to her she became very off and said she was coming to see her mum and could come when she liked without an invite!
It has got to the stage that when I see her car pull into the drive I have to quickly gather up my 3 DC and go out for the day.
This also happens whenever SIL DS is on school holidays only it's not just a weekend I have him, it's until the school goes back. She drops DS at her mums and heads back home, I have him then until she decides to come back for him ( which I never know when that is, it could be a week or 10 days)
I have asked my DH to have a word with her but he doesn't want to rock the boat as they had a big fall out around 3 yrs ago over the same issue.

OP posts:
EyeStye · 09/03/2017 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2017 05:57

Why is it a problem if your SIL stops talking to you ?

lalalalyra · 09/03/2017 06:03

Well done for telling your MIL about Sunday. Just be careful about wording it like this though - I asked her if she would mind my Youngest DS and DN. - you do not need to ask her to mind DN, DN is not your responsibility!

And whatever you do, do not take him Friday night or Saturday because I expect you'll find yourself left with him until late Sunday!

FrenchLavender · 09/03/2017 06:22

Why is it a problem if your SIL stops talking to you ?

I guess none whatsoever, but all the while the OP still lives next door she doesn't want to be made to feel like the bad guy when a sad 5 year old stands on the doorstep wanting to know why his cousins and auntie won't let him over the threshold any longer. I imagine the MIL and SIL will take great delight in not bothering to stop him knocking, or keeping him occupied and distracted in other ways, making the OP the one to have to say no to him. Without their agreement and cooperation it just onus for the child's happiness back onto on the OP. Both women know this and won't care because they have this weird sense of entitlement over the OP and her life.

I imagine the OP just wants to avoid having to upset a nice little boy in order to make her point with her SIL and MIL.

I think you are heading for an unavoidable showdown either way and you need to get your DH on side. You should not have to do this alone - they are his family.

FrenchLavender · 09/03/2017 06:23

it just puts the onus

AnyFucker · 09/03/2017 06:41

I must be as hard as nails Smile

FrenchLavender · 09/03/2017 06:45

well we know that AF. Wink

SorrelSoup · 09/03/2017 06:50

Let me get this right: Your sil and mil blamed your sils miscarriage on you and you're still talking to them??? This is so bizarre/ridiculous/pathetic.

Your dh had you take FOUR children to an opticians appointment whilst he stayed at home alone??

I'm sorry, I don't get it.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2017 06:55

Honestly, some of you folks really need to look a bit harder for your inner bitch

FrenchLavender · 09/03/2017 06:58

I can't argue with that. There seems to a terrible rash of martyrdom and door mat-like behaviour sweeping the board at the moment.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/03/2017 07:10

Your SIL is an entitled twat.

marjolaine · 09/03/2017 07:25

I must be hard as nails too as I would have stopped this a long time ago. If I couldn't be arsed going out I'd lock the door, tell the kids not to open it and not answer it to anyone. Confused
Your SIL/MIL are taking the piss. If you don't feel you can confront them directly then 'be busy' until they get the hint or find alternative childcare. A sad 5/6yo is not your responsibility or fault.

rollonthesummer · 09/03/2017 07:30

Your dh had you take FOUR children to an opticians appointment whilst he stayed at home alone??

Yes-your MIL and SIL and behaving like a couple of lazy, using cows but the behaviour of your husband is more worrying. Most husbands would (or should!) be defending their wife. Why is he not?!

I'm not quite sure what would possess anyone to live next to their in laws (it would have to be a free house, I think) but I would be moving ASAP.

Hotbot · 09/03/2017 07:55

Wonder if putting up a for sale board would set the cat amongst the pigeons , without interning to move ..... It would be it interesting how the convos would go then wouldn't it

SquidgeyMidgey · 09/03/2017 11:49

AF you should run an online course for us, Mumsnet Uni Level 1 Inner Bitch Angry

AnyFucker · 09/03/2017 12:39

Heh

scallopsrgreat · 09/03/2017 12:52

It's not bitchy to put up boundaries.

I think you've answered the question about how your DH is supporting you in this. Answer: He isn't.

You have a problem there.

scallopsrgreat · 09/03/2017 12:54

Behind almost all these stories of nightmare MILs/SILs is a DH facilitating their behavior and not supporting their wife/children.

troodiedoo · 09/03/2017 12:59

Ain't that the truth scallopsrgreat

Meluzyna · 09/03/2017 15:07

"Most on here are busy flaming your SIL which I think is warranted however, I'm concerned about the lack of perspective being given to your DN. you and your children may be a bit of a lifeline and the only real security he has. With that in mind I would be inclined to include him in your activities but ensure any costs are reimbursed by his mother who sounds pretty useless and v lazy. Do it for him and not your SIL and be satisfied that you are really being this young lad find his way in the world." Chocness

This.

You need to sit down with your S-i-L, DH and M-i-L (no mention of S-i-L's partner? The father of the miscarried baby?.... so get a good friend to mind the four children at your place while you do this.)

Explain clearly to the in-laws that you love DN dearly and that when it is possible you have no objection to integrating him into your family... that growing up with a fraternal bond with his cousins is fine. But you are not an unpaid child-minding service so his mother needs a) to make proper arrangements with you in advance for agreed times when you will be responsible for him and b) she needs to finance outings and meals (unless you are happy and have the means to susidise him: as you are a single-wage family with 3 DC I am supposing that you don't). You also need to point out that it is dishonest to drop DN off at Grandma's knowing full well that he will be straight out through the back door and into your home - if you are to be responsible for him on a given day then she needs to drop him off at yours. And she then needs to put on her big girl pants and explain to her child that if she is leaving him at Grandma's on a day when you have said you are not able to take responsibility for him then he is under no circumstances to go anywhere near your house - and he will have privileges withdrawn (or whatever she does to punish him) if he does so. Explaining that if, by any chance, you are able to host him on a day when it has not been planned then you will go and ring the door bell to ask if he wants to come round.
It's a simple question of boundaries, and your S-i-L has been overstepping them so far she's gone round the block and come up behind herself!
Good luck!

ElvishArchdruid · 09/03/2017 15:27

I'm guessing to SIL & possibly MIL, the poor little boy is an only child and you give him the opportunity of socialising, BUT, he gets this chance of socialising with other children with minimal effort from SIL.

It's not your responsibility, although as a loving aunt you should embrace him with open arms, as what's another child when you've got three already right? Crazy!

I would say to MIL you love the children socialising, he's the most lovely little boy, why doesn't SIL come and get your children and take them out. Maybe then she'll realise that he's not just another small person hanging around, you have to make concessions for each and everyone. If you're going to an adventure playground you still have to pay for his entrance fee.

If SIL is overwhelmed with 1 child I would suggest she considers no more. Wouldn't it be nice for MIL to give you a call and ask you to drop off your DC, so you can have a bit of time to do whatever?

I think the only way to solve this would be moving, which sounds extreme, especially since you get on with MIL, plus DN isn't that bad. SIL should really consider common courtesy, even if texting, popping round to Mums later, would you mind if DN played with your DC?

In a way it's not as much SIL that I'd worry about upsetting, as you gather your DC and rush out to avoid the inevitable. She may have been (unfairly) saying oh you get to play with your cousins later.

Part of me thinks that seeing as he isn't badly behaved, also that during school holidays, unless he has local friends he's going to mostly be alone, interaction with his cousins is special time.

I would say if you're planning on going somewhere, warn SIL and say I'm sorry, we're fine taking him, but can't afford to foot to pay for DN.

I think also cousins have a special bond, if he doesn't get anymore siblings, they'll be the closest he has to siblings.

So I disagree with SIL behaviour, but I think it's something nice for DN to share time with his cousins. Maybe reiterate, you have no problem him being there, just a bit of warning would be nice. If you sprung on her doorstep with your 3 DC I doubt she'd be as enthusiastic.

cauliwobbles · 09/03/2017 15:36

Your DH made you take 4 kids to the opticians because his sister kicked off!!Shock

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 09/03/2017 22:33

Thanks elvisharchdruid
Well said and I totally agree.

I think from all of this I need to take away that it is not me being unreasonable ( which was the way I was being made to feel by MIL and SIL - also DH!!)
I will certainly be putting my foot down about getting some notice about when DN will be here and for how long.
I cannot imagine locking the back door and not letting DN in. My DC would wonder why I was doing that and it would upset them for that to happen. He is very much part of our family. I will continue to include him in our home/family however I will be speaking to SIL and MIL and setting some boundaries in place.
I will update you all on Monday. Smile

OP posts:
Jux · 10/03/2017 10:42

Good luck. I think Meluzyna and Archdruid have writteen really helpful posts.

Original poster
mummyhappiness · 12/03/2017 00:34

Quick update
SIL never turned up with DN this weekend.
My feeling is that when she was told by MIL that I wasn't going to be around for looking after DN, she thought she wouldn't bother coming.
Had a lovely day at home with my 3 DC Smile

OP posts:
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