Why did nobody help me? **Trigger Warning** - childhood abuse. Title edited by MNHQ

[ConfusedAboutChildhood]

I've name changed, don't want this post linked to what I usually get help with on this site.

I've only recently realised that I had a very confusing childhood. I didn't get smacked, like a 'tap on the hand/bum' I got lashed out at irregularly. Like, kicked in the stomach when I was upset that my little brother was hurt. Then smacked over the head the same day.
I got booted in the leg and chased home and chased up the stairs, causing me to wet myself when I was 9 or 10.
I had belongings smashed up and burned in front of me (age 4) because my bedroom wasn't tidy.
I fell off my bike, and rather than be comforted, my bike got thrown across the field and I had to chase after him (again, I was probably about 4)
I've been rang up and told 'When you get home, you're dead' because my bedroom wasn't tidy, I was 17. When I said to my Mum that he couldn't do this anymore, she told him what I said and he went crazy. He trashed my room, kicked me, I threw my hands up to my face in self defence and gave myself a black eye.
The next day we went strawberry picking like nothing had happened.

All this happened at the hands of my Dad. But my Mum knew. He never laid a hand on her, never on my little brother. Just me.
According to my Mum I'm Dad's favourite and I can do no wrong. From the time I was 6, she was always telling me how jealous she was of our relationship, that she wished he called her 'darling' she still does that now.

I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. I once joked about my dad accidentally dying his hair, and when the others had left the room, he looked and me with such a snarl and said:
'At least I've lost the weight, you still look like that' I was 15, overweight and severely depressed. Self harming at every opportunity.
I know it doesn't sound like much written down, I know people have gone through much worse, I just feel so broken. Everybody still says they envy my relationship with my dad, because I'm the only one who can talk to him, which makes me feel guilty about feeling any dislike towards him.
I have two wonderful DC's now, and an amazing DH, but I'm still so scared. Nothing has happened since I was 17, but I still get this sick feeling every time anybody is behind me on the stairs. I can't be grabbed too tightly, I even get terrified if I hear DH swear when the tap turns on too hotly - it sounds exactly like the beginnings of one of my Dad's rages.

I just don't understand. My family must have known. Even though my Dad is generous and will help anybody, they all knew he had a temper. Why did teachers not notice that sometimes I had boot print bruises on my legs? How did my Mum do a social worker course, and not see there was something wrong with her own family?
Why did nobody help me?

So relieved your GP was so supportive and I hope you don't have to wait too long for counselling. I'm so glad you are going to get support with this. I have never got help for the neglect I experienced and now feel I've lived with it too long for it to be worth speaking to someone (coming up 60). I have so much anger/confusion and bafflement bottled away and I wish I'd spoken to someone a long time ago.

I agree don't rush into any major decisions. It's possible you will be in some shock after this thread and the doctor confirming that what you went through was really abusive. When things have been minimised/denied by your parents, I can well imagine you do begin to question yourself. Be gentle with yourself right now. I hope this is the start of being able to process what's happened.

Liverpoolsfun I am helping my nephew. That's why I haven't gone NC. I see him every single day, he plays at our house at a lot and we spend time making sure he has a place to chat about what's on his mind.

I know there's nothing untoward happening to my Nephew because I'm still heavily involved in his and my parents lives. I'd know if there was. Plus, my dad goes to work before he goes to school; and gets home after he goes to bed, so they don't see much of each other.
My question is how can I go NC for my own sake whilst still ensuring my nephew is safe. It seems so insane to go to SS with my concerns when there's been nothing happen for 6 years, but I understand it's something I need to take into consideration.

I honestly think that if I made a big deal of this, if I went to Social Services with my concerns, and my Dad found out it was me, that he'd really really hurt me. Which DH says is an indication that I should go seek their help, if I'm still that scared of him, there's something not right.

Consider the possibility of your dn writing "why did nobody help me?" in 30 years time.

It's not good for you yourself to be in contact.
It's potentially putting your own dc at risk.
You cannot realistically protect your DN because you cannot be there 24/7 until he's of age.

Bringing in the authorities puts protections in place for your DN.
You're an adult now and there are the police to go to if you are under threat.

I'm glad you're doing everything you can for your dn, but surely the best way forward is to contact social services and tell them about your childhood abuse. It must be tough seeing your parents every day given your childhood experience.
would you be able to take on your DN as a foster carer.
I have no personal experience of abuse for which I am very grateful and can't imagine what you are going through and wish you all the best in dealing with what must be an emotional minefield

In your OP you say "it doesn't sound like much". But you're wrong. It sounds like lots of really bad stuff happened. Your dad's behaviour wasn't normal or acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. I'm sorry.