Why did nobody help me? **Trigger Warning** - childhood abuse. Title edited by MNHQ

[ConfusedAboutChildhood]

I've name changed, don't want this post linked to what I usually get help with on this site.

I've only recently realised that I had a very confusing childhood. I didn't get smacked, like a 'tap on the hand/bum' I got lashed out at irregularly. Like, kicked in the stomach when I was upset that my little brother was hurt. Then smacked over the head the same day.
I got booted in the leg and chased home and chased up the stairs, causing me to wet myself when I was 9 or 10.
I had belongings smashed up and burned in front of me (age 4) because my bedroom wasn't tidy.
I fell off my bike, and rather than be comforted, my bike got thrown across the field and I had to chase after him (again, I was probably about 4)
I've been rang up and told 'When you get home, you're dead' because my bedroom wasn't tidy, I was 17. When I said to my Mum that he couldn't do this anymore, she told him what I said and he went crazy. He trashed my room, kicked me, I threw my hands up to my face in self defence and gave myself a black eye.
The next day we went strawberry picking like nothing had happened.

All this happened at the hands of my Dad. But my Mum knew. He never laid a hand on her, never on my little brother. Just me.
According to my Mum I'm Dad's favourite and I can do no wrong. From the time I was 6, she was always telling me how jealous she was of our relationship, that she wished he called her 'darling' she still does that now.

I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. I once joked about my dad accidentally dying his hair, and when the others had left the room, he looked and me with such a snarl and said:
'At least I've lost the weight, you still look like that' I was 15, overweight and severely depressed. Self harming at every opportunity.
I know it doesn't sound like much written down, I know people have gone through much worse, I just feel so broken. Everybody still says they envy my relationship with my dad, because I'm the only one who can talk to him, which makes me feel guilty about feeling any dislike towards him.
I have two wonderful DC's now, and an amazing DH, but I'm still so scared. Nothing has happened since I was 17, but I still get this sick feeling every time anybody is behind me on the stairs. I can't be grabbed too tightly, I even get terrified if I hear DH swear when the tap turns on too hotly - it sounds exactly like the beginnings of one of my Dad's rages.

I just don't understand. My family must have known. Even though my Dad is generous and will help anybody, they all knew he had a temper. Why did teachers not notice that sometimes I had boot print bruises on my legs? How did my Mum do a social worker course, and not see there was something wrong with her own family?
Why did nobody help me?

OP I'm so sorry you've gone through this. It doesn't sound like "nothing", it sounds fucking awful.

Please take a look at the "But we took you to stately homes" thread on the Relationships board where many of us with abusive parents gather and support each other.

There are a lot of book recommendations in the OP of that thread, I'd suggest starting with Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

That's a lot, thats not 'nothing' and I understand your anger and confusion.

I have similar feelings - my Mum would lash out at me in anger - slap me across the face, hit me in the back of the head when I wasn't aware what was going to happen (Which would send me flying).

Even before that (and that was from around 4 to 12), I can remember being left to cry and when she got sick of the noise she'd pull me out of my cot and take me into the bathroom and hold my head under the cold tap - later on that became the punishment for crying too much when she hit me.

She never hit my sister like this - we both got 'bare bum smacks' for bad behaviour but only I got the 'lashing out in anger' abuse.

My dad didnt know it was going on, this all happened when he was at work though he also chose to spend as much time out of the house as possible to avoid my Mum..

What angers me is that as an adult now, I have been told by people who were slightly older kids then and their parents too, who were friends of my parents - they DID know that stuff was happening that shouldnt be happening, even if they didn't quite know the extent of it, they KNEW she was abusive towards me...

And they did nothing, they said nothing, to anyone.

One of these people came to me and told me how guilty they felt for not having stepped in, thinking I would tell them its ok... I didn't, its not ok now, They were quite shocked at that, that I wouldnt absolve them of their guilt.

I think I have moved on, it helps that shes been dead nearly 10 years, but I do know how confusing it was and how angry I felt at those who could have stood up for me and didn't 'think it was their place'...

You don't need to give them a reason to cut contact, even though you think you need to, simply not answering their calls and opening your door to them anymore will limit your contact.
I mean, I would be tempted to ring the police and make a statement about this as it wasn't that long ago he was doing it to you, I'm so sorry x

I hope you can get an appointment at your GP tomorrow. I think when we grow up around abuse/neglect it's hard to see it for what it really is until you tell others about it. You then realise that what was 'normal' in your family, is not normal and not alright at all. That can come as a huge shock and it's totally understandable that you need professional help to process what you've experienced.

You say that if you go NC your parents will expect an explanation as to why. I would say they lost their right to any explanation when your father first began to lash out at you and your mother enabled him. Do what feels right for you, not them. And for your DC. I agree that their credentials as parents means they have forfeited the right to have a meaningful relationship with them. How on earth could you trust your father to keep calm when, as all children do, they don't behave so well.
My heart goes out to you. My health was woefully neglected all through childhood and the effects of that have affected me physically and mentally ever since. It took until I had my own DC for me to realise just how inexcusable in incomprehensible my parents' behaviour was.

Widdlin that sounds so awful.

I have 3 elder brothers, my Mums children from a previous marriage. I know they were lashed out at too, thing is, they just went to live with their Dad. They're still scared of him, even as adults. It's kind of a running joke, but that's so depressing really isn't it? We joke that my Dad would destroy their things in a fit of rage, hit them, only to rebuy them better versions of the stuff he destroyed. It's bizarre.

Has it ever been acceptable to treat a child like that?

Neither of my parents (born in the 30s) were treated like that & I (born in the 60s), certainly wasn't!

That's not a smack as a punishment after a warning, more like abuse for the sheer pleasure of it.

I think that you should stay away from both & definitely keep your kids away!

You have to, have to keep him away from your dc.

Exactly the same , same age too. I am NC with father and my mother is dying of terminal cancer so I have to be nice to her.

I don't think it's uncommon that becoming a parent yourself drags up your own childhood and makes your evaluate it. You know how you feel about your own children so you just can't understand how your parents appeared not to feel the same. You wonder if it was you.

It wasn't. Look at your lovely DS - I'm sure he has his moments but can you ever imagine kicking him?Of course not. Hold on to that when you have low moments wondering if it was you or if you 'deserved' it.

You might also find the Stately Homes section on here very helpful, OP.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2862886-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Ongoing support. Best wishes.

Not sure what to say.

It's definitely not your fault!! My mother had a similar childhood.

She even went to the police. Her father had broken her sister's arm. Her mother lied and told the judge she was making it up because she was a "bad child".

Her little sister was still taken to a home. My mother was sent back, only to be (obviously...) abused even more.

So many of the things you say sound so familiar.

Her rabbits were for example butchered and severd for dinner. Not as a punishment but just "because".

She once accidentally killed her guinea pig (she was scared and probably hugged it too much. Or maybe it was too scared, who knows)?

Not sure what that's supposed to help you.

But many childen have gone through the same. Many have been failed by their mothers, aunts, the police, teachers etc. It has happened often.

If you want to cut contact then that is your right. I sometimes wish my mother had. She still gets treated horribly by everybody (even the little sister she saved...)

So, please take care of yourself.

I think your mum is equally as bad. They are totally rewriting history, in their minds

She said she didn't leave before I was 16/17 (only because I said I was going and she could come with me or not it was her choice but I was off), because it wasn't easy to leave as would mean finding somewhere to live etc , job change. I mean come on. She has loads in savings and had a stable job as a teacher ffs. I was whipped and beaten by this man!!

PS Even just the information contained in the opening post is very very helpful to those in your position if you feel like giving that a read.

I'd like to believe he wouldn't hurt my DC, but you're all right. I didn't think he'd hurt me until he did. He still has his temper even though everyone says 'it's gotten much better'
It got 'better' because after the last episode when I was 17, I tried to move out to DH's (then BF obviously) I got there, Dad phoned me up saying he was coming to get me. I'd written him a letter saying how much his behaviour was awful to me.
He came and got me, no option to stay. He didn't even get out the car to come to the door. Just phoned and made me come outside. He said he wouldn't hit me again, and he didn't.

DH thinks he was ashamed that someone else knew about how he treated me (MIL) and that's why it stopped. Not because he realised it was wrong

Speaking as someone who's had involvement in lots of child abuse cases I would say that it's quite common to find the " non abusive" parent was quite passive about child abuse even when it was sexual. I'm not sure if I understand why but I think adults find it easy to mitigate for their partner when the victim is a child. They come up with lots of excuses such as the child lying or fantasising etc. Generally we do not think children are reliable witnesses versus the adult. It often doesn't help when the child grows up " damaged" in some way - mental health problems or drug/ alcohol problems which reinforces the parents view that the child was wrong or not to be trusted. I also think some parents know what goes on but push it to the back of their mind because it's too painful to confront the reality. ( because if I'm financially dependent on the abuser how will we cope if we leave?). It's hard to live we that so again the parent looks for the rationale that supports the decision to stay. There will be specialist support groups in your area who may be able to point you to the right therapy for you.

It doesn't sound like nothing written down. I wouldn't be able to be around someone that had done that to me, and you probably are, in part still around him as the abuse was minimised. At least go on the waiting list for NHS counselling, or see if there are any charities that have helplines where you could talk to someone in RL. I'm sorry you've been and are still going through this. It wasn't acceptable in any era. Not at all.

It is definitely very illegal to do what they did, so talking to the police is an option should you wish to. You don't have to - entirely your choice.

As regards them wanting an explanation if you cut contact - you don't owe them anything. They can want all they want, but you have the choice to just walk away from them and never speak to them again if you wish. If you wish to tell them why, you could tell them "because what you did to me as a child was unacceptable". But you don't have to say anything. If they deny it, it doesn't mean you're wrong - it means they are lying/in denial. I know if must be very hard to realise, but you have the power now, not them. You can walk away from them and there is nothing they can do about it.

Can you tell your DH how you are feeling right now, so he can support you through this? Would talking to your siblings (especially the older ones) help?

I so want to tell your parents what awful people they are

Oh my goodness this all sounds horrifying . I grew up in the 90s and early 2000's but I had quite a difficult family as well . Sadly as I have a disability many people didn't believe me when I said I was being treated badly . In 2010 I saw my father for the first time in seven years and I had to call the police after he grew very violent . My aunt was standing right there while I was screaming for somebody to call the police . I have been in many situations like this and notice that very few people stick their necks out to help me . This is why I always will stand up for other people when I see them being bullied or treated badly .

Thank you for the link the that group, it looks incredibly helpful

I know in practice I can just walk away, but I'm still so concerned about that they think of me. My mum relies on me a lot to talk about her money troubles and troubles with my brother. She's been like this since I was very young. I'd worry how much she's bad mouth me to everyone we knew.

@Purplepicnic I don't think it's uncommon that becoming a parent yourself drags up your own childhood and makes your evaluate it.

This is true. It wasn't until my own DCs were born, that I faced up to the abuse I suffered in childhood, at the hands of my father and his brother.

Counselling will help, please access some.

No advice sorry OP just a hand hold and a hug, what your parents did (and your mum is equally to blame for not defending you and getting you away from your dad) was utterly despicable and it's no wonder it's still affecting you. I hope you can access some therapy and find some peace

@ConfusedAboutChildhood ... I'm so very sorry for what you went through. I think speaking to your GP is a good idea. I hope you can find some counselling support.

I just also wanted to say though that what happened to you was evil and no amount of family denial and pretending it didn't happen will change that. You were the victim. You are not to blame. Your parents are very much to blame and I would highly recommend not allowing their toxicity to be passed on to your DC.

I have a good friend whose family sounds similar. The father treated one daughter (my friend) badly throughout her childhood and singled her out for regular physical punishments that her sister never had and her mum allowed. It's affected her her whole life as she's never had any counselling.

Please know that it's ok to cut toxic family out of your life. It's ok to lay the blame firmly where it belongs with them (even if they deny it). I wish you the very best future

I kind of know how you feel, I was at secondary school in the 90s and from the age of 15 near enough every week I had some kind of injury, black eye, bruises etc. Started wearing a lot of makeup to cover up bruises, started doing really badly in Lessons, didn't turn up to exams, etc. I have since done child safeguarding courses and really can't understand why nobody asked me if anything was wrong or even seemed to notice.
It wasn't my dad but a boyfriend beating me up. The freedom programme really helped me realise I didn't do anything to deserve what happened but I still don't understand why no one noticed. It must be really hard for you as you are still in contact with your mum and dad.

I like to think that child safeguarding courses are new and so things like this are picked up now and dealt with rather than ignored (I have no idea if they existed back then)