Why did nobody help me? **Trigger Warning** - childhood abuse. Title edited by MNHQ

[ConfusedAboutChildhood]

I've name changed, don't want this post linked to what I usually get help with on this site.

I've only recently realised that I had a very confusing childhood. I didn't get smacked, like a 'tap on the hand/bum' I got lashed out at irregularly. Like, kicked in the stomach when I was upset that my little brother was hurt. Then smacked over the head the same day.
I got booted in the leg and chased home and chased up the stairs, causing me to wet myself when I was 9 or 10.
I had belongings smashed up and burned in front of me (age 4) because my bedroom wasn't tidy.
I fell off my bike, and rather than be comforted, my bike got thrown across the field and I had to chase after him (again, I was probably about 4)
I've been rang up and told 'When you get home, you're dead' because my bedroom wasn't tidy, I was 17. When I said to my Mum that he couldn't do this anymore, she told him what I said and he went crazy. He trashed my room, kicked me, I threw my hands up to my face in self defence and gave myself a black eye.
The next day we went strawberry picking like nothing had happened.

All this happened at the hands of my Dad. But my Mum knew. He never laid a hand on her, never on my little brother. Just me.
According to my Mum I'm Dad's favourite and I can do no wrong. From the time I was 6, she was always telling me how jealous she was of our relationship, that she wished he called her 'darling' she still does that now.

I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. I once joked about my dad accidentally dying his hair, and when the others had left the room, he looked and me with such a snarl and said:
'At least I've lost the weight, you still look like that' I was 15, overweight and severely depressed. Self harming at every opportunity.
I know it doesn't sound like much written down, I know people have gone through much worse, I just feel so broken. Everybody still says they envy my relationship with my dad, because I'm the only one who can talk to him, which makes me feel guilty about feeling any dislike towards him.
I have two wonderful DC's now, and an amazing DH, but I'm still so scared. Nothing has happened since I was 17, but I still get this sick feeling every time anybody is behind me on the stairs. I can't be grabbed too tightly, I even get terrified if I hear DH swear when the tap turns on too hotly - it sounds exactly like the beginnings of one of my Dad's rages.

I just don't understand. My family must have known. Even though my Dad is generous and will help anybody, they all knew he had a temper. Why did teachers not notice that sometimes I had boot print bruises on my legs? How did my Mum do a social worker course, and not see there was something wrong with her own family?
Why did nobody help me?

Wow! Don't minimise your experience. You were physically, emotionally and verbally abused. I'd strongly advise seeking counselling to help you make sense of your childhood and how you can move on from it. All the best

Dulciemena She knew. She was there every single time. Sometimes she'd shout 'No' to him, but she'd never show consequences. If my DH did something like that, I'd like to think I'd up and leave in a heartbeat.

When I was younger, I'd have to write him sorry cards for my behaviour. Then all would be fine and he'd said 'You know I love you, don't you?' It's not quite the same as just being told you're loved.
When I got older, he'd buy me expensive gifts as a way of apologising for lashing out. That's why I'm seen as very lucky and me and him having a good relationship I guess.

It is very common to have abusive families - not just an abusive parent or parents.

Usually one individual is "chosen" to be the whipping-boy of the entire family. All frustrations and interpersonal conflicts are visited upon this one child. All family members accept that is ky to be as horrible as they want to this poor individual, and they are effectively ostracised from all family joys and love, and are blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong for the rest.

Or family members will collude with an abuser because by doing so they avoid abuse themselves. They rationalise it by saying "she deserves it", "she's asked for it``, "she causes trouble" etc.

Once one person becomes the scapegoat abuse usually escalates because in order to justify their cruelty the abuser (A) has to insist that the abused deserves it - they are a troublemaking waste of space. and because they deserve it, it is okay to hurt them; and if A has hurt them, then they must deserve it, otherwise A wouldn't be doing it; and if they deserve it, it's okay to teach them a lesson etc - it is a circular psychological argument that leads worse and worse abuse.

My heart aches for you Confused. To be abused is horrendous - to have the other parent collude in the abuse is quite literally soul and sanity destroying.

I hope that you get the help you seek and you are able to comet terms with the awful things that have happened in the past

Your mum IS a terrible parent.

Your father is worse.

DS1 - how old is he? About the same age as when you were being kicked and bruised by your 'father'? about 4?

I'd seriously distance myself from both of them. I'd tell them why - but you don't have to. Just get your dc away from them!

I'm sorry to hear that and I really wasn't doubting you - sometimes we get caught up in our own experience of fear and guilt and perspectives become very survivalist.

I really hope you can get some proper support to help you move on. I have to agree with PPs, I would not want this man around my kids though. It must be a very confusing situation for you to deal with.

Your dad abused you, and your mum enabled the abuse. You have every right to be upset with both of them. Awful :-(

It sounds like it's difficult because they are also a source of support for you now. Going no contact could leave you without that support. As others have said, highly recommend seeing whether you can get referred for counselling through your GP.

You could also try the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) - napac.org.uk - a friend of mine who had a childhood that sounds a lot like yours benefited enormously from one of their facilitated support groups.

Confused i am just posting to say that your parents behaviour was definitely not normal for that era, my elder 3 dc were born between 1990 and 1998. Smacking was probably not unheard of but what you have described goes way beyond that. Your parents were horribly abusive even though they will probably never admit it.

I'm so desperately sorry, OP - this has been very triggering for me as I had a similar childhood, so I understand that your mother's attitude is like a double betrayal; bad enough that it happened at all, but to hear things twisted or denied by the one person who should have protected you is almost too much

In case it helps, can I share what I was told by my own counsellor, who explained that denial was probably the only way my late mum, thoroughly abused herself, could keep her own sanity. The same went for all her community work (or social work course with yours) in that it persuaded her she was doing something while actually living in a world gone mad. It was utterly wrong of course and it shouldn't have happened, but somehow it helped me to see it from that point of view

Your father, on the other hand, is sadly beyond redemption ...

I am so very sorry you had this happen to you in your childhood. Please don't minimise it, or question whether you had anything to do with it. You didn't. Your father treated you appallingly and your mother was complicit in the whole thing, which is a pretty shitty situation. As everyone has suggested, counselling would be a great start - even getting yourself referred is a positive thing to do and means you have taken control of your feelings.

I would seriously question whether you want your parents in your life anymore. Playing 'pretend happy families' puts you (even sub-consciously) under a huge amount of stress and leaves you in a permanent state of flux from which you can never get closure.

If your mum won't talk about it properly and your dad prefers to sweep it all under the carpet and play the doting grandparent, then you will never have closure and for me, that's a deal breaker. I don't think i would want him near my children - no matter how hands on he is.

For what it's worth I would cease all contact and try and work through your own feelings with a professional. Then, when you are more sure of what it is you want to do, you can make a decision in your own time.

The very best of luck. I am so sorry no one came forward for you. I don't know why that is, but the only bright thing in this whole shitfest is your own strength, which it seems is abundant. xxx

Your dad sounds a lot like me adoptive mum.
We would get hit /punched/hit with a shoe or belt for minor infractions (and let's face it pretty much all naughty things 7 year olds do are pretty minor in the scheme of things and need guidance to make better choices etc)
Be woken up in he middle of the night with her throwing everything in our room into the middle of the floor because our rooms were slightly messy, she would literally empty every shelf and cupboard into the middle of the room,
Wake up to her shouting at us in the middle of e night when she was drunk
Made to sit at the table until we had eaten everything on our plate even if we hated it. Once I was sick back onto my plate and she made me eat it anyway

Like you said it was like walking on eggshells everyday, not knowing what mood she was in/how she would take something/if you would be for it when you got home,

My dad rarely hit us but he let her do it and then they divorced when I was 12 and he buggered off to Germany and left us with her.

I am NC now although my sister has limited contact with her and is governed by her petty rules and temper.

Can I suggest you go onto Women's Aid and obtain support and help there?. There are forums and even better advice for specialist DV counselling.
If you feel you would liek counselling you need a specialised counsellor who understands abuse is NEVER the survivor's fault.
I also suggest you get hold of Luny Bancroft's 'hy does he Do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. It's a real eye opener.
Good luck and thank you for sharing your story, it is courageous of you.

Can I suggest you go onto Women's Aid and obtain support and help there?. There are forums and even better advice for specialist DV counselling.
If you feel you would liek counselling you need a specialised counsellor who understands abuse is NEVER the survivor's fault.
I also suggest you get hold of Luny Bancroft's 'hy does he Do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. It's a real eye opener.
Good luck and thank you for sharing your story, it is courageous of you.

Please don't minimise it

Seconded.

Sorry about the typos
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It does sound like a lot, Confused. It sounds like horrific mental and physical abuse. I think it would be best for you in the long run to stop having contact with them. Neither of them deserve you in their life. Please get some proper help to come to terms with your abuse. x

I so desperately want to tell them that what they did completely destroyed a lot of me. But I'm so scared they'll just deny everything, tell me I'm being over dramatic, remembering things wrong and that'll make this sort of inner turmoil even worse. I don't know how to handle just going NC, they'll want an explanation.

I think I need to make an urgent GP appointment in the morning. Your responses have made me see that this isn't normal in the slightest. DH knows everything and has been around for 10+ years so was present in my life during some of the later events. He's amazing, and was so angry at my parents when I told him. He still finds it difficult being around my Dad

It sounds awful

The incidence you mention sound like they happened quite far apart. Is it possible that people like teachers just didn't join the dots?

UpWithPup that's definitely possible. Partnered with my Mum working as a TA and Play Leader in the school, they probably wouldn't have given me a second thought.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this.
My dad neglected me and sexually abused me, school even saw how much of a crap state I was in yet did nothing. I'm only a few years older than you.

Firstly, cutting contact is a must, for the sake of your own child. Even if it's very limited, low contact, its good to start somewhere.
Secondly, is there anybody you can talk to about this in real life? Your health visitor? might she be able to recommend a service where you can self refer? I believe you might have PTSD.

What about the GP? Is that a possibility?

I realised what a true monster my dad was when I spoke to my mum and told her everything... I had a sudden wave of anger come over me and now I barely speak/see him, I'm still working on cutting contact entirely.

You are suffering terribly from this, he is an abuser and a manipulator and your mum is an enabler, she is just as much to blame for this.

I wouldn't trust your dad with your DS1 (or other children) - he's perfectly capable of appearing to adore a child ("darling", "you're the favourite") and yet physically abusing them.

Your family (mum especially) were complicit in your abuse.

Don't give him the opportunity to repeat the cycle with your kids.

I know it doesn't sound like much written down
It sounds like a lot to me, both physical and emotional abuse. No wonder you are still 'jumpy'.

Your post sounds like a cry for help. This has the potential to screw up your relationships with your husband and your DC. Have you told your DH this? Can you talk to your gp? Don't belittle what you've been through, your childhood was horrible and I'm sure you need professional help to move forward.

I wish hitting a child was illegal in the U.K. I wish I could do something about that. I can sort of understand a tap on the hand if they're about to touch a hot pan or something, and you know they wouldn't respond to words. But that's even a major push.
I think that's why I've struggled to understand this. It's not technically illegal to hit your child, which is just so disgusting

What happened to you was awful. Your mother in my opinion is as bad as your father for letting it happen. She was an enabler.

People do not change. You cannot let your children be around these people. She is already showing favouritism with your children.

Your father obviously feels guilty and is trying to make it up to you. But what if your children do something to anger him. You cannot take that chance

But you got more than hitting, you were kicked and that is illegal! it's assault and child abuse!
Don't for a second think that what your dad did was acceptable and some form of punishment, he is a dick for ever doing that to you!