Why did nobody help me? **Trigger Warning** - childhood abuse. Title edited by MNHQ

[ConfusedAboutChildhood]

I've name changed, don't want this post linked to what I usually get help with on this site.

I've only recently realised that I had a very confusing childhood. I didn't get smacked, like a 'tap on the hand/bum' I got lashed out at irregularly. Like, kicked in the stomach when I was upset that my little brother was hurt. Then smacked over the head the same day.
I got booted in the leg and chased home and chased up the stairs, causing me to wet myself when I was 9 or 10.
I had belongings smashed up and burned in front of me (age 4) because my bedroom wasn't tidy.
I fell off my bike, and rather than be comforted, my bike got thrown across the field and I had to chase after him (again, I was probably about 4)
I've been rang up and told 'When you get home, you're dead' because my bedroom wasn't tidy, I was 17. When I said to my Mum that he couldn't do this anymore, she told him what I said and he went crazy. He trashed my room, kicked me, I threw my hands up to my face in self defence and gave myself a black eye.
The next day we went strawberry picking like nothing had happened.

All this happened at the hands of my Dad. But my Mum knew. He never laid a hand on her, never on my little brother. Just me.
According to my Mum I'm Dad's favourite and I can do no wrong. From the time I was 6, she was always telling me how jealous she was of our relationship, that she wished he called her 'darling' she still does that now.

I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. I once joked about my dad accidentally dying his hair, and when the others had left the room, he looked and me with such a snarl and said:
'At least I've lost the weight, you still look like that' I was 15, overweight and severely depressed. Self harming at every opportunity.
I know it doesn't sound like much written down, I know people have gone through much worse, I just feel so broken. Everybody still says they envy my relationship with my dad, because I'm the only one who can talk to him, which makes me feel guilty about feeling any dislike towards him.
I have two wonderful DC's now, and an amazing DH, but I'm still so scared. Nothing has happened since I was 17, but I still get this sick feeling every time anybody is behind me on the stairs. I can't be grabbed too tightly, I even get terrified if I hear DH swear when the tap turns on too hotly - it sounds exactly like the beginnings of one of my Dad's rages.

I just don't understand. My family must have known. Even though my Dad is generous and will help anybody, they all knew he had a temper. Why did teachers not notice that sometimes I had boot print bruises on my legs? How did my Mum do a social worker course, and not see there was something wrong with her own family?
Why did nobody help me?

I so desperately want to tell them that what they did completely destroyed a lot of me. But I'm so scared they'll just deny everything, tell me I'm being over dramatic, remembering things wrong and that'll make this sort of inner turmoil even worse. I don't know how to handle just going NC, they'll want an explanation.

Of course they'll deny it - they want to be seen as the 'good guys'. So give them an explanation - tell them they treated you horribly, they abused you, and you aren't prepared to take any more of it. Then walk. It's not that easy, I know, but you don't owe them anything really, not even an explanation.

Name changed too because your post made me gasp.... give or change a few bits I could have written it. I think I've suppressed it, but it makes our relationship now., a doting grandfather, seem surreal when I look bad.

Dad used to ring me in my teens too, over stuff like my shoes being left out. I truely feared it and mum would minimise it. As I got older I worked until 2am in a supermarket, he'd five min after my mum left wake me we something like "get your fucking shoes!". When I appeared at the stairs he'd fling whatever objects at me. Thing is they were never mind, I'd be stupid to leave stuff out, sometimes I'd protest they weren't mine and I was screamed at that I was fucking lazy, making excuses etc and he'd throw them hard at close range.

He'd bin or break possessions for perceived fault, I was a nervous and precise child through so normally the reasons were just untrue. Say I'd been told to do one thing, did it, then I was screamed at or slalord for it- for example using a dirty tea towel to dry up when I'd been told it was clean just before.

I was tiny and would be physically flung around, even if caught on the stairs. No regard was given to safety or feelings.

I could go on... I don't really know what to say as it's so family

Oh, and btw, what they're doing now is still abuse - they're mindfucking you into believing that you're the one in the wrong, and it's all your fault. You know it's not, don't ever forget that.

You poor love. My heart broke for you reading your OP - what you went through at the hands of your parents is sadistic abuse and they both failed you terribly. I was abused as a child and it does stay with you.

Please do speak to your GP as they be able to help you access specialist counselling (do be aware of long waiting lists though). If you find it difficult to say the words then write it down or even print out this thread and highlight the relevant bits, if you think it will be helpful.

I think it's definitely possible you are experiencing PTSD after what you've been through .

I'm so sorry that you experienced this. I had an equally awful violent childhood, extreme physical abuse from my father. Some of my siblings were also on the receiving end of my father's 'temper' but he singled me out for the worse. My mother stood by and rarely intervened, though she would do so if he ever tried it on with my sister - which he hardly ever did as she was his favourite. I totally get the whole walking on eggshells thing, and the bedwetting. That was me. Aged 11, I was eventually taken into care after the school nurse, who took pity on me, finally refused to allow me to return home, and called in the police and social workers, after I turned up at school one day with fresh sores from where he'd thrown boiling water at me the night before. I was a jibbering wreck and on valium at the age of 13. Unlike you, I was fortunate that someone did help me. and I'm alive now thanks to that school nurse who finally put her foot down after seeing me come to school for a couple of years with bruises and cuts and poorly dressed and hungry and unkempt and uncared for. I still believe that if I hadn't gone into care, that I would be dead by now. There's only so much being kicked about, and beaten with electrical flex, and stomped and stamped on, and having one's head smashed onto a concrete floor and beaten with whatever piece of furniture came to hand, that one can take.

I deliberately estranged myself from my parents after I was taken into care, and though I would see them again from time to time, even visit them at family gatherings, I never established a relationship with them. In my early 20s, my father who had by then divorced my mother and remarried, attempted a reconciliation with me, but couldn't bring himself to acknowledge his abuse of me. I kept him away from my children even though he appeared to be benign, to have reformed, and even babysat my sister's children. I eventually moved to another part of the UK and severed all ties with him and my mother. I'm 56 now, and struggled with self-loathing and self-harming for most of my life. I've made very poor decisions, abused myself and allowed others to abuse me too. I've struggled with severe depression and self-loathing for years. BUT for all of this, I'm still HERE, and in my view, a better person than my father could ever have been. I think I'm a stronger person for the experience too. I have achieved so much more than he predicted for me (I couldn't even be a prostitute as no man would ever want me, as he told me). I've raised two children, largely on my own, and have the most supportive and loving DH. I have a PhD, I'm a reasonably successful, published academic, at one of the UK's elite universities, and on the whole have a good life - so long as I don't allow myself to dwell on the past, though of course, it's always there; I still cower on the very rare occasion that DH might someone raise his voice to me, and at times still allow myself to be consumed by self-loathing, low self-esteem. I'll never forgive my father even though he's been dead for nearly 30 years, though after coming to the realisation that my mother herself probably suffered at his hands, I managed to forgave my mother when she was dying (she died three years ago). I spent too many years hating myself for the fact that my parents hated me, and didn't think that I was worthy of their love and protection. I know that I still carry the mental and physical scars. But I know now that it wasn't my fault, that I was a child, and the wrong was definitely not mine - and just coming to understand that has really helped the healing. When things get a little rough around the edges, I see a therapist, and I'm fortunate to have found an excellent counsellor. Don't waste time trying to second guess your parents, why they did as they did, why your mother turned a blind eye - it happened, and it's unlikely that you'll ever get any answers. Focus on the good things in your life, your family, and on yourself, on the person that you are, the wonderful human being that you are despite your horrible childhood. Don't feel that you have to have your father or your mother, in your life, or in your children's life. You may find it helpful to talk things over with a therapist too. Talk to your GP, and you may find that s/he will help you to access the IAPT NHS provided counsellors in a reasonably short space of time - waiting time is on average 4-6 weeks but it could be sooner. There are also some subsidised counselling services available, and some counselling services have a sliding scale according to income.

I could have written your post myself, OP! I am non contact with my parents now as I suffered similar abuse at the hands of my father, whilst my mum enabled him. And just like your mum, my mum was always concerned about other children being abused or having a difficult time, she just didn't give a shit about me. And if I tackled her about it in adult life she would also say that I was making her feel like a bad mum or she'd say I had been a difficult child or that I had imagined it.

I left home at 21 and even up until that point my dad would hit me if I did some imagined misdemeanour. Once I was in the kitchen and suddenly ended up on the floor after he'd sent me flying saying I'd given him a dirty look!

I had counselling for several years and it definitely helped me to stop blaming myself and helped me to sever contact with my parents; it definitely gave me some clarity on the whole situation. I'd really recommend some counselling if possible.

You were abused by that evil man and your mother colluded in it by doing nothing to protect you. I'm so so sorry you went through that. The people who you should have been able to trust (doctors, teachers etc) let you down. You deserved so so much better.

I don't know a lot about it but it's possible that you might have PTSD. Would certainly be understandable.

If you feel strong enough to google it, have a look for the symptoms and see what you think. You can get help for that on the NHS (don't know what the waiting lists are like though). Tell your GP that you're having these flashbacks / triggers and see what s/he says.

I hope you find some fantastic ongoing support and you're able to heal

I don't know how to handle just going NC, they'll want an explanation

If you decide to go NC you can decide whether to give a reason or not, but surely the point is that you'd only need to do it once in order to be free, rather than spending yet more years being enmeshed in their pretence

Most certainly your "D"M would badmouth you to anyone prepared to listen, invent sudden fake crises and all the rest, so perhaps the real aim is to reach the point where the opinion of anyone ignorant of the truth doesn't matter to you?

I agree with PPs that, in this situation, counselling is essential

Hey OP, I am also in my early 20s and went through something very similar. I have had no contact with my parents since last August as I, much like yourself came to the realisation that something wasn't right about my childhood and little has changed.
Looking back it is clear what my siblings and I went through was abuse. My dad would physically restrain my sister or drag her up the stairs, my nana's catch phrase was "what size hands have I got, smack size hands" and my mum frequently used emotional and psychological tactics to keep us under her thumb. We had our mouths washed out with soap a couple of times if we swore. I cut off contact after my mum verbally lashed out at my bf and called my youngest sister a bitch.
I have had CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) over the last 2 months which has really helped. It doesn't take away the pain of what you went through but it does really help you process what happened and make a plan for moving forward. Only issue I found was getting the therapy. I was referred last April and it took until January for the sessions to start.
I completely understand the frustration of wondering why no one helped or said anything. I have wondered frequently about why my friends parents, our neighbours, even our extended family did not say anything or act. It makes me angry and sad to think about so I put my energy into thinking about what kind of mum I want to be and what I will do differently.
Please think about approaching your doctor to discuss therapy options. Even talking it through with someone will really take the weight off of your shoulders.
And don't blame yourself. As others have said - take back control, put yourself and your happiness first. You deserve so much more.
Best wishes xxx

It sounds pretty fucking horrific written down.

Heres the thing with waiting lists. If you are on them then you have a chance of getting to see a counsellor. If youre not on the list then youll never get to see one. So get on the waiting list and in the meantime see if you can find something else. The gP might know of local organisations that offer counselling.

same experience here - although my mother was also abusive. As well as the slapping and punching I remember she put a cigarette out in my hair while I was standing washing the dishes, and hit me in the face with the heel of a shoe. I'd often have black eyes, bruises, split lips - as did my 4 siblings. My 6ft 4' dad would pick us up and throw us against the wall if we got in the way of the TV...

Why did no one help? Because violence towards children was quite widespread and accepted where we lived. You knew that because you heard it through paper thin walls. You would see children in the street being held by the hair and kicked in the bum. In fact, teachers were quite abusive too!

I'd like to think we're much more aware of the lifelong damage this kind of abuse does to children and nowadays someone would step in.

I experienced similar with my mum - when I was 8, I had a rolling pin smashed into my head & I passed out & couldn't go to school for a month because of dizziness. No medical care. Worse things happened after I started my period and started leaking everywhere (I had endo and Pcos from 9). Discovered when I was 20 during a routine cat scan that I had a healed over skull fracture.

Mum denies anything happened now. And tbh it's not worth arguing about this over and over again. I don't really talk to her any more. She's still in my life, can't really avoid her, but I won't ever let her get into a position of trust again. I think you need to do the same - ie keep your sons relationship with their grandad separate. Drop them there then leave etc.

Like you I too grew up in the nineties

Although my Mum isn't interested in DS1 because he's autistic, she's constantly asking to take DS2 out and about (he's only 7 months old, so still in the cute stage for her)
She hates that DS1 doesn't fawn over her. She's always asking when he's going to say Nanny, we're still waiting for him to say Mummy & Daddy fgs

She sounds toxic, OP. I have a dgc with autism who's the light of my life (as are my other grandchildren) and if he ever utters a word, I'd want it to be Mummy or Daddy. If he doesn't, he's still our cherished boy. She isn't loving him - she's so concerned with her own feelings that she doesn't have room for anyone else.

As for your father, don't trust him. If your DS isn't verbal, you'd never know whether he was safe - you need to protect your own little ones.

I'm so sorry you were abused; don't make light of it - it's horrific.

And finally - it wasn't normal back in the 90s, nor the 70s, nor the 50s. I've lived through those times and although there have always been parents who smacked (oddly enough, not mine in the 50s, and they told me they weren't smacked in the 20s!), what you've described is far far worse.

Time to start taking care of yourself, OP. Enlist your husband's support and start to set yourself free

Flipped that's the most difficult part. We seemingly have an idyllic relationship now. He'd probably think it horrendously unfair if I suddenly stopped contact. DH doesn't know how I still see him/speak to him. I think I've conditioned myself that it wasn't that bad? Maybe because it wasn't every week. Or even every month.
I still saw and heard horrible things. I saw him whip our dog, swing him around on the lead. I saw him break things and shout and scream.

I think it's like a pp has said, some families choose to scapegoat a particular child and even when not all the family is involved directly in the abuse, they choose to ignore it, blame the child or down play it. I think they find it easier than confronting the abuser with all the embarrassment and possibly financial inconveniences that would bring.
It's shit, but it seems to be a story old as time.

I'm so sorry for what he did to you op, and that no one defended you. I hope you get the help you need and deserve.

Some of the stories on here are so sad and shocking. I can definitely relate to the anger and hurt of wondering why nobody cared enough to do anything.

What has helped me hugely is finding a good therapist. I don't know if you work but if you do it may be worth seeing if they offer any support services.

Bloody hell, having read more... are you me? Ds2 is autistic, mum cannot deal with the lack of overt attention. DS will say stuff like 'I hate you' (older) and mum can't see he's black and white in thinking, hate or love, and in minutes he'll love her...but she sulks.

Dad gives me a lot of secret cash now behind everyone's backs, it's a huge help, I don't know if guilt or what or if he forgets. It adds to ththe favourite arguments... but it's odd

Or she denies the events ever happened, or says I remember things differently/exaggerate them. Which is possible I guess. I was very young

Lovely, this is called gas lighting. These things DID happen to you. They were awful, terrible things, and they do NOT deserve to have you in their lives.

I have similar in my childhood. Do you know, it took me over 30 years to realise it was abuse. They lied and gas lighted everything 'why are you bringing that up' 'that didn't happen' 'you were always good at making up stories'.

Also, just as a little warning, they were SO GOOD with DS1. It didn't make sense. But they were moulding him, the way they moulded me, and lots went on behind closed doors (that DS1 later told me).

I cut them off for good. They will NEVER get their hands on my children, and ruin their lives.

I am so sorry OP. Really sorry for what you went through. But here you are, with a wonderful DH, wonderful children...please, cut out the toxic from your life. I can assure you, they will never change, never admit, and never say sorry.

For everyone who was ever hurt by the people that are supposed to love you the most

Confused - "DH doesn't know how I still see him/speak to him."

Please consider telling your DH. Abuse thrives on secrecy, and by keeping your relationship secret, you're still giving him power. I mean this with kindness - your father doesn't deserve you keeping him a secret, no matter how much he loves your DC.

know it doesn't sound like much written down

OP that's horrific and it's given me the chills - I can see you have had support and just to add mine

Your parents were vile and cruel

What they did was disgusting and reprehensible and it's no surprise you are damaged

Please get some counseling and I am so sorry

ie keep your sons relationship with their grandad separate. Drop them there then leave etc.

Please please please don't do this - never leave your kids alone with this man. He abused you, he could abuse them

The hardest thing for me now is ds1 is older and wants an idyllic relationship with grandad, who gives it. But I can't separate him from the man who when I was the same age hurt me. It's hard to manage it all, DS want the relationship. Dad doesn't even have the same accent as when I was younger as we moved and it's changed over the years! It's like th man in my memories is changed. He's a softly spoken middle class man, who I knew as a gruff working class bully. The image is just a totally different one! People wouldn't equate him with the man he was, he's all events at the church and joining squash clubs now... not a heavy drinking volatile man in poor living conditions.

HumpMeBogart you've misread, sorry, DH knows I speak to him, we see them regularly as a family. What I mean is he doesn't know how I speak to him. As in, he doesn't understand how I'm even okay to be in the same room as him, he believes I should have cut ties a long time ago. He's right really

When issues aren't addressed the assume greater and greater significance (and God knows - something as traumatic as this is of huge significance anyway), You will get to the stage where you can't physically speak to him/ go to his home. have him in your home without breaking down (I speak from experience here).

Everyone will think that you are the unreasonable one (because they don't know the backstory, or appreciate the psychological hold an abuser has over the person s/he abuses). Make him face up to his past behaviour as soon as you can.