Why did nobody help me? **Trigger Warning** - childhood abuse. Title edited by MNHQ

[ConfusedAboutChildhood]

I've name changed, don't want this post linked to what I usually get help with on this site.

I've only recently realised that I had a very confusing childhood. I didn't get smacked, like a 'tap on the hand/bum' I got lashed out at irregularly. Like, kicked in the stomach when I was upset that my little brother was hurt. Then smacked over the head the same day.
I got booted in the leg and chased home and chased up the stairs, causing me to wet myself when I was 9 or 10.
I had belongings smashed up and burned in front of me (age 4) because my bedroom wasn't tidy.
I fell off my bike, and rather than be comforted, my bike got thrown across the field and I had to chase after him (again, I was probably about 4)
I've been rang up and told 'When you get home, you're dead' because my bedroom wasn't tidy, I was 17. When I said to my Mum that he couldn't do this anymore, she told him what I said and he went crazy. He trashed my room, kicked me, I threw my hands up to my face in self defence and gave myself a black eye.
The next day we went strawberry picking like nothing had happened.

All this happened at the hands of my Dad. But my Mum knew. He never laid a hand on her, never on my little brother. Just me.
According to my Mum I'm Dad's favourite and I can do no wrong. From the time I was 6, she was always telling me how jealous she was of our relationship, that she wished he called her 'darling' she still does that now.

I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. I once joked about my dad accidentally dying his hair, and when the others had left the room, he looked and me with such a snarl and said:
'At least I've lost the weight, you still look like that' I was 15, overweight and severely depressed. Self harming at every opportunity.
I know it doesn't sound like much written down, I know people have gone through much worse, I just feel so broken. Everybody still says they envy my relationship with my dad, because I'm the only one who can talk to him, which makes me feel guilty about feeling any dislike towards him.
I have two wonderful DC's now, and an amazing DH, but I'm still so scared. Nothing has happened since I was 17, but I still get this sick feeling every time anybody is behind me on the stairs. I can't be grabbed too tightly, I even get terrified if I hear DH swear when the tap turns on too hotly - it sounds exactly like the beginnings of one of my Dad's rages.

I just don't understand. My family must have known. Even though my Dad is generous and will help anybody, they all knew he had a temper. Why did teachers not notice that sometimes I had boot print bruises on my legs? How did my Mum do a social worker course, and not see there was something wrong with her own family?
Why did nobody help me?

I'm definitely going to the GP. I can't see them delaying referring me. I've been on Anti-depressants, anxiety meds and sleeping tablets since I was 15, there's clearly some kind of history.

OP, I hope my post didn't come across as harsh. I know you're in a place of deep confusion - coming out of the FOG can be a long and bewildering process.

I also wanted to thank you and everyone else on this thread who shared their sad stories. After reading through this, I realised just how much I have yet to resolve emotionally about my own abusive childhood and how it continues to affect me. You have all therefore been the catalyst to a decision I have made to actively seek counselling to help me come to terms with everything. again to you all.

Please seek counselling, you might find you can self refer to your local service.
I had a miserable childhood too, only it was my mother who was the abuser. She would tell me over and over that there was no bond with me as she didn't see me for 3 days after my birth, she then had such severe PND she was admitted to hospital and given ECT which really fuddled her mind. I was the scapegoat for everything, I had a younger sister and even if she had done something it was my fault, she could do no wrong.
Most of this abuse happened when my df was at work, and as he did shift work I never really had any safe time. I am sure he would had to have been aware of some of it, as I would spend weeks at a time in my room, from the age of 9 when I was sent to Coventry I was expected to take my washing to the laundrette and do it myself, which he would sneakily give me the money for.
I was still very wary of her into my adulthood. To the point I won a weekend away and took her with me, but it gave me the chance to have open and frank conversations with her. She never denied it, and was open about her own childhood and her mental health issues.
She contracted cancer at 55. My sister never went near or by, I was regularly there to help out. A week or so before she died she admitted to me that she had got us both wrong and she was sorry for everything she had put me through. As she was a catholic, I am almost convinced that she was confessing her sins before her death. She was 56 and as much as we had made amends I found it to be a relief.
I have had a difficult life, made bad choices and been reckless, but I have a wonderfully supportive DH. I had some counselling last year and some of the homework was to go and speak to my df and tell him everything. He denied knowing some of it, but never minimised it.
I have come to terms with it all now, and actually despite all of that I am a good person, so even with everything she did to me, I am not a monster!
Get some help for yourself, you deserve it.

That sounds like a good plan Confused. It's such a difficult and stress thing to deal with - glad you're going to the GP.

If it's any help, when I went to the GP I was referred on pretty quickly for assessment. The ultimate outcome is I'm on a waiting list for specialist therapy for trauma survivors. I found that simply being listened to and believed by MHP hugely validating. Good luck taking the first steps and remember you don't need to do everything at once. Be kind to yourself .

I'm sorry to hear this, OP.

As others have said, it shouldn't be minimised. We minimise as a coping mechanism to get through the unbearable.

But it's a coping mechanism that creates stress and anxiety.

I would definitely urge you to seek counselling. I have had had incredible success with mine - it has helped me to understand that a childhood I had lied to myself was normal was actually well over a decade of each and every type of abuse at the hands of my brother.

I have spoken to my brother and my parents about the dismal shower of shit that passed as my childhood. My brother lied. My Dad apologised - he was truly rarely there and didn't know. My mother is lying through her teeth that she didn't know about it.

I wouldn't be getting through this without counselling but my counsellor has been fantastic and I have made so much progress. You don't have to be stuck in this world where it's 'ok' or you don't have a right to complain about other people's abuse of you.

Good luck.

burblish best of luck . When you get a therapist you click with it's so helpful.

I'm in the North West area, anybody have any idea of waiting times? It feels urgent to me, but I can totally understand that there's others who would need it more.
I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I've been back and forth to doctors for so long, getting prescribed anti depressants and not really addressing why I needed them. This feels like it's something I can perhaps 'fix' and have a healthier life.

All your stories have broken my heart, but also angered me. How can this be so frequent? How can abuse like this be so accepted? It's almost as if the U.K. Has this policy of 'if it doesn't hospitalise the child, it's alright'. I want to do something, but it seems smacking your child is still socially accepted these days, it's sickening.

Absolutely hordendous to hear your story OP and the other awful experiences on this thread. I'm so sorry for all of you that have been through this.

If you google your area (Lancashire for example) and IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) you should be able to find out if you can self refer for talking therapy. I found this out from mumsnet and only waited around 3-4 weeks for an appointment.

I think it's hard when you're a child or adult, you look at a situation and think why didn't anyone do anything. If you bring it up in front of people you still speak to you're labelled a fantasist if you say it in front of others. I think the latter is the worst part, when you know that something happened, you're pretty much made out to be stupid.

There's a few ways you can go about this, from experience I would say it's unlikely you'll receive an apology. I think on the NHS you just ask your GP, some areas have a self referral service, but I'm pretty sure you only get 6 sessions. So if you were to build up a relationship of trust with a counsellor, if you can afford it, maybe go private.

I found counselling really hard, because I did everything asked of me, the woman kept saying tell me more. I didn't know what else she wanted to hear, I think what I'd told her was bad enough. So be prepared to open a box of memories you hid away.

On top of this you have the choice about distancing yourself from your parents, maybe taking Mum to one side and saying 'Why? Did you really not see what was going on in your own home?'

I was born in a completely different era when you just took it, you never questioned it or it'd be worse. I'm pretty sure if I was at school now, it would have been acted on. Although even in the 80's I would get asked by teachers is everything ok at home.

I wonder if your Mum put on this front about safe guarding so that it diverted the attention away from you?

One good thing I found was that I'd never repeat the behaviour I endured, my method of parenting is liberal but it is because of what I went through. My DC's pay attention merely from a change in the tone of my voice, I've never smacked them and only shouted once in many years.

I wish you all the best, if you want to PM me feel free to do so. I'll try and help how I can.

One thing I would say is be wary of relationships, that you don't find yourself in situations where you're emotionally/physically abused and just think well this is my life.

Oh, and btw, what they're doing now is still abuse - they're mindfucking you into believing that you're the one in the wrong, and it's all your fault. You know it's not, don't ever forget that

True.

These posts are just truly awful. One of my friends was abused like this and she's still struggling in her forties.

Keep talking it out, whether here or counselling. Stop talking about it to them, in complete denial. I'd seriously consider NC, to help yourself.

For you

I'm so sorry you're having to live with this. I'm also trying to come to terms with a complex child abuse past, and it's so very hard at times.

I'm in North West and currently on a waiting list for specilised trauma therapy. It probably depends a lot on your area, and what kind of help they decide you need after an assessment, but my experience is that the waiting list is looooong. My GP's referral got bounced back a couple of times, while I was "too unwell" for some services and "not unwell enough" for others. It took a couple of years to get to a point where I had a proper therapist assess me and refer me onto an actual therapy waiting list. That was last year, and I've been told I should hear something before the summer.

I couldn't deal with my abuse past without help though, so I looked for a private counsellor via BACP. I can't really afford it either to be honest, but the counsellor is great, and she lets me pay on a sliding scale. I currently pay 2/3 of her full fee (which isn't the highest out there), and it's definitely worth the expense.

Thank you so much everybody. I've managed to get a GP appointment today, so I'm hoping he'll refer me for counselling pretty quickly. Still not entirely sure how to go NC without causing a lot of trouble, but I do think it's something I want.

Thank you so much for your support

Good luck for your GP appointment.

WRT going NC, it may be helpful to think that it doesn't have to be a big dramatic declaration - do it gradually. Always be busy, have excuses ready for why you can't meet up and so on. Also, you don't need their permission to do it - it's ok to put boundaries in place for yourself and say no to them (a good therapist/counsellor would be hugely beneficial here).

I haven't read the full thread, but you could try IAPT, it's part of the NHS.

Sounds familiar, a small portion of what me and my brother went through.

Yes to counselling. Horrible things that happened in my childhood started to come back very vividly when I was in my 30s, I became hugely depressed and had a lot of help over the next few years. Just knowing that there was help available got me through some very dark days.

What you say about your DN is slightly worrying. You say he has a good relationship with your dad. But everyone around you says you had a good relationship with your dad when you were growing up. They didn't see the abuse because your parents were good at hiding it. Without wishing to add to your burden in any way, have you considered that they are still good at hiding abuse?

I'm not sure if this might make things worse, but could you say to your dad something like 'remember when I got hurt falling off my bike and you threw my bike into a field in a temper? What will you do if DN falls off his bike?' This might make your dad think about his temper, it also might make him realise you remember what he was like and are watching him.

I have said your parents were abusive, not just your dad, as something I read pointed out that there is not one abusive parent, there is the one who does the abusing and the one who lets it happen. Your mum connived at your abuse, in her own way, she was just as abusive, I believe.

I'd worry how much she's bad mouth me to everyone we knew. OP, I had a horrible childhood, nothing on the scale of yours, but none the less, not the childhood I deserved.

I walked away from my mum at 18 (her & dad are divorced) and never looked back. For sure she bad mouthed me (probably still does, over 25yrs later) but you now what....I don't let it worry me, because I know the truth. I can live with the lies she tells about me, because it is harder for her to live with the truth of what she put me through. Good.

Still not entirely sure how to go NC without causing a lot of trouble, but I do think it's something I want That may change with therapy. Once you start reliving it, you will start to channel the emotions you feel towards it differently. You may find that it gives you the strength to pull away once and for all. The fact that you tried before, and didn't succeed with have knocked your confidence.

Please do not let anyone tell you that you are mis-remembering it, you are not. It is your reality, no one has the right to tell you that your reality is wrong. It doesn't matter if he didn't do it to your sibling, he did it to YOU, and that should not be diminished nor down played.

You will never get the admission from your mum & dad that you want, they will never admit it. It would be easier to not go looking for it. But hat doesn't mean you can't talk to them about it, should you need to. And you have every right to do so.

I hope your GP is helpful and you can get some support soon. .

Well I'm sort of shocked.
He's referred me to counselling, and prescribed me some anti-depressants which I'm not surprised at really, and I'm grateful.
What shook me is him asking if I'd like to take this further and file a police report. I'm so shocked, I never thought that was even on the spectrum of possibility. I don't think it's anything I want, but I can't stop thinking about it

Having read your story i am so pleased the doctor has taken you seriously. You dont have to make any descisions right away. Take advice from all the others who have been there and maybe talk to someone before going down the reporting route. Hopefully this tells you how bad your treatment was as a child. I feel so bad for you and hope you find a way to deal with this and come out the other side.

There are not always long waits for counselling on the NHS. It depends on your area. So don't assume this

So glad your GP has shown you just how serious this abuse was.

Your parents are utter pricks, OP, I'm so sorry. I can see how you feel your hands are tied because of your nephew. If it weren't for that, I would be really tempted to get a big group of your most supportive friends together, and go round to your parent's place to confront them. Like to see them try and wriggle their way out of what they did, with 6 or 7 people behind you staring them down.

Cowards.

Please do think further about reporting the abuse.

Concerns need to be raised for your dn's sake.

It may be that he wouldn't be subject to abuse directly as with your siblings, but - you're not there anymore to be the scapegoat. Also, I do not believe your siblings came out of that dysfunctional family background unscathed even if he never raised a hand to them.

Good luck with everything.

I'm so glad your GP was supportive and can completely see why the offer to make a police report has knocked you for six. Don't rush in to any decisions and think about what you want to do. It does show, though, that what happened to you wasn't nothing.

Name changed for this.

I think the reasons why nobody stepped in to help you are complex. Fear, not knowing what to do, denial are a few reasons.

At the moment you are doing nothing for your nephew, your reasons for currently not helping him are valid and understandable as you are still in thrall to your parents. If you understand why you are unable to help or do anything you may understand why others were similarly standing by. Please get therapy and contact social servicies and help your nephew