Why did nobody help me? **Trigger Warning** - childhood abuse. Title edited by MNHQ

[ConfusedAboutChildhood]

I've name changed, don't want this post linked to what I usually get help with on this site.

I've only recently realised that I had a very confusing childhood. I didn't get smacked, like a 'tap on the hand/bum' I got lashed out at irregularly. Like, kicked in the stomach when I was upset that my little brother was hurt. Then smacked over the head the same day.
I got booted in the leg and chased home and chased up the stairs, causing me to wet myself when I was 9 or 10.
I had belongings smashed up and burned in front of me (age 4) because my bedroom wasn't tidy.
I fell off my bike, and rather than be comforted, my bike got thrown across the field and I had to chase after him (again, I was probably about 4)
I've been rang up and told 'When you get home, you're dead' because my bedroom wasn't tidy, I was 17. When I said to my Mum that he couldn't do this anymore, she told him what I said and he went crazy. He trashed my room, kicked me, I threw my hands up to my face in self defence and gave myself a black eye.
The next day we went strawberry picking like nothing had happened.

All this happened at the hands of my Dad. But my Mum knew. He never laid a hand on her, never on my little brother. Just me.
According to my Mum I'm Dad's favourite and I can do no wrong. From the time I was 6, she was always telling me how jealous she was of our relationship, that she wished he called her 'darling' she still does that now.

I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. I once joked about my dad accidentally dying his hair, and when the others had left the room, he looked and me with such a snarl and said:
'At least I've lost the weight, you still look like that' I was 15, overweight and severely depressed. Self harming at every opportunity.
I know it doesn't sound like much written down, I know people have gone through much worse, I just feel so broken. Everybody still says they envy my relationship with my dad, because I'm the only one who can talk to him, which makes me feel guilty about feeling any dislike towards him.
I have two wonderful DC's now, and an amazing DH, but I'm still so scared. Nothing has happened since I was 17, but I still get this sick feeling every time anybody is behind me on the stairs. I can't be grabbed too tightly, I even get terrified if I hear DH swear when the tap turns on too hotly - it sounds exactly like the beginnings of one of my Dad's rages.

I just don't understand. My family must have known. Even though my Dad is generous and will help anybody, they all knew he had a temper. Why did teachers not notice that sometimes I had boot print bruises on my legs? How did my Mum do a social worker course, and not see there was something wrong with her own family?
Why did nobody help me?

If it's too difficult to sever all ties, could you just allow things to drift? Be busy when you would normally meet up with them, don't call, etc. If you could move house several miles away even better!

This was my childhood in the 70s and up until I was a teenager in mid 80s. But it was my mother who was abusive. I no longer have contact with her.
My dad worked away a lot and had no idea until I told him about the abuse when I was in my 20s and after they got divorced. He was horrified.
My dad died 10 years ago and my mother is still alive.
Making no excuses for my mother but she had puerperal psychosis after the birth of my younger sister and had a 6 month stay on a psychiatric ward receiving ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)...she was an alcoholic...suffered from depression...and only very recently, I found out from a friend that my mother has been diagnosed as bi-polar.
I feel somewhat robbed of my childhood however, I believe resilience is why I am where I am today with a great job, great relationship with my DP and DCs.

Flipped that's the same for me too. He's still the same man though, he still has his temper, it's just a bit better than it was.
For one reason or another, my nephew is now living with them. He's already had a hard life, so me and DH are ensuring we're as present in his life as possible. Meaning, we'd need my parents permission to take him on days out etc. I'm also obviously worried about my nephew having the same upbringing as I did.
It sounds ridiculous, but maybe I'd be better just acting normal so I can ensure they're treating my nephew correctly? My nephew has nowhere else to go, my brother is 'Away' and his mother is an addict.
My parents gladly are looking after him, which probably adds to the martyr image.

Confused - don't be sorry, my mistake
Glad DH is behind you. He sounds fab x

Where the hell would you even get advice for that?
I can't deprive my nephew of a family environment, my brother and parents would probably never consider letting him stay with us. Probably think we couldn't handle it or something.
What do you say? 'I don't want to see or speak to you, but I do want to see my nephew, and if I get wind of anything untoward happening I'll report you'?
I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I want to make sure it doesn't at all.

I forget about him sometimes. When I'm trying to organise everything in my head, and convince myself it's for the best to go to NC. Then I remember that I can't abandon him, he doesn't have many people left, me and DH can't be another family unit that leave

Have you ever mentioned the horrendous things he did to you in the past, to him since he stopped doing them ?

Doesn't sound like much written down??!!

You need to find a good counsellor - talk it through and he/she should help you get it into perspective and move past it. See your GP for a referral. Alas, you might have to pay to be seen sooner. Your father sounds a total monster. Mine was a bit of a domineering person but nothing like yours.

Frumpet No, not at all. It's like it never happened with him. I've mentioned it here and there to my Mum, but she just denies it all.
I'm not sure what it'd achieve bringing it up. It'd probably really hurt him, that's what my Mum says anyway

Oh dear, you mentioning the horrific abuse you were put through might hurt your poor old Dad's feelings? What about your feelings then?

Your mother sounds like a vicious old cow herself.

I can understand why you're worried about your nephew. Is this some sort of formal fostering arrangement? If so, it might be appropriate to contact SS.

I know the waitlist for NHS counseling will likely be long, but you should get yourself on it as soon as possible. Also, look around for a support group so you can talk over what happened with people who aren't so likely to deny it.

You don't have to just walk away in one fell swoop. You can gradually disengage. Find someone else to take you to hospital appointments.

I wonder also if it would be helpful to you to go back over all those things your father did to "make up" for his treatment of you, the things that make others in your family think of you as the "favourite". Make a collage or photo album or list or something that links each of those "gifts" to the abuse he perpetrated before giving it to you. Then perhaps link in things that happen now that remind you of the abuse (like being scared when someone is behind you on the stairs). You need to consider whether something like that will make you feel better or worse about yourself - you are the priority here. It's just it seems to me you are struggling a bit with the narrative of your childhood - the horrendous fear you feel because of what happened, and the seemingly normal relationships they all seem to pretend they have with you. It's like they try to overwrite your history with a different version that denies your experience.

In my case I have a sister with Sen still at home, similar issues in a way. He is NOT great with her... but again it looks and sounds martyrish.

I'm not sure in a way seeing me helps in her case, she is jealous (understandably) and compares.

My mum doesn't deny it, but will say bollocks like 'why didn't you tell'... when it was under her nose. We've skirted the topic, it's minimised a lot too.

Personally I've moved on so much, initially the thread shocked me... but reflecting I've formed a good adult relationship and family of my own. My husband loves me and respects the children. I think I too am a different person, I've come out stronger and no longer feel fear. I think I even look down on him, I see his flaws and faults and I know I'm more capable. He never escapes his own fathers upbringing and repeated it as did my mum, but I haven't.i made my own choices and I'm quite proud of me and my family. I guess I almost pity him in a weird way. I'm angry about childhood me, yet I am dispassionate a lot about him. I think his final shock will not be now, but when he's old. I won't have it in me to care for him to be blunt as that bond isn't there. I won't rage, or cry, or blame but I won't be there for him as he wasn't for me as that blueprint hasn't been set

Sorry, haven't read all the thread but had to reply. The amount of people that have told me now as an adult that they knew what my stepdad was like is mind boggling. Why did no one do anything?! Why wasn't it picked up by anyone?
Sorry, it doesn't help what you went through (It does sound like much and is important.) but I thought you might find it easier to know others have gone through similar to what you did. for you and I hope you are coping well these days. ((((HUGS))))

OP regarding NC and talking it over with your parents - yes I think you are right that they'll minimise it and try to make you think it's all in your head. It's called gaslighting, and it's a common tactic in abusive families.
You can just write them a letter stating your reasons for NC and then just go NC - you don't need their permission, even if they would give it. No doubt your father will be poisonously angry at your honesty. You do not need to hang around to be the punch bag for that anger.

OP, please contact the National Association for People Abused in Childhood, they are brilliant and can help you access specialist counselling to deal with this:

www.napac.org

I suspect your mother didn't get off as lightly as you believe. Based on what happened to you, your father was a violent, vindictive and sadistic man and if he could treat his child like that I'm pretty sure his wife was not in the clear either.

Sorry, but this just is not true. It's quite common for one family member to be singled out for abuse and other family members to stay silent for an easy life.

Flipped that's the most difficult part. We seemingly have an idyllic relationship now. He'd probably think it horrendously unfair if I suddenly stopped contact.

The way he treated you was horrendously unfair. You going NC would be for you - for your mental health, not as a punishment for him.

I know what you mean about wanting them to acknowledge this and feel contrition, but they won't. Each of us has our own narrative of our lives and they want to be the 'good guys' in their story. To be the good guys, you would have to be the bad guy who deserved it or they would minimise it or outright deny it. They won't acknowledge how awful they were to you.

None of this was your fault. None. It happened - you know what happened and your experience is valid.

You don't need their permission to go non contact. They won't accept it easily. But it's not their decision and they don't get to veto your choice.

How old is your nephew?

He's only 6, and very sensitive. My worry is that he already bottles up his feelings over his Mum, I'd hate to think he would have to hide anything or not talk about things about his Grandparents

OP, I completely understand your desire to be there for your nephew...but, I'm sorry, you cannot risk either of those evil cunts who abused you having access to your own innocent children. This is particularly so in the case of your nonverbal DS1.

Sorry to add to your already horrible situation, but I've previously mentioned on MN my neighbours that abused their kid. We became heavily involved as we faced each other in an 'L' shape, and saw so much awful stuff that the police were regularly called. SS took it to court, we were witnesses etc etc. All horrible for us, as we had little ones ourselves, but we did it for the child of course. SS did all sorts regarding disclosure of info that was what I'd consider unprofessional, but once the child was taken away for good, the SW mentioned that the kid was actually a fostered grandchild, and that once the addict parent realised that the child was being abused, they then came forward to say that they too had been abused by the parents as a kid. All just horrific. What I'm saying is, how can you know that they aren't abusing your nephew? And I say they, as your mum turning a blind eye is almost an equal to your dad being physically abusive. Should your nephew be there? If he is put in an official foster placement, you can apply to foster him through the proper channels, I don't know your borough/area, but this is a thing in its own right, fostering a relative. Again, just sorry that you've had such a horrible experience.

Milo i don't think my nephew will suffer physically. Dad didn't hit my younger brother, so I'd struggle to see why he'd start again with my nephew. It's just his temper and the general way they parent, it's not ideal at all in my opinion.
Id love to foster my nephew, I'm just not sure my brother would allow it. Presuming he has say in it still?

My dad isn't around much at the moment because of work.

It made me feel sick reading your post op, I am so sorry you had to go through this. Please ask your GP to refer you for counselling. You will see someone fairly quickly for an assessment and they are able to do around 10 sessions prior to needing to refer on to a specialist if you need further (and there is some leeway) so definitely worth a try. It could really help you and what you have been through sounds awful, not nothing written down.

I think, tbh, you need to go no contact to protect your own dc and sorry to say, report your historical abuse to the authorities.

You cannot protect your dn in the current state of affairs, cos you can't stay with him 24/7: you don't know what could be happening to him. Or what will happen to him as he gets older living there. So flagging him up as a child in need and at risk from your parents is the best course, I think. Although it's easy for me to say.

I'm so sorry.

It might not be a long list but it is far from little. It doesn't matter how often these rages happened but the effect on you. My father was the disciplinarian in our house and he would use violence. I don't regard myself as being abused but I'm sure others would. It's not a case of denial by me but corporal punishment was an acceptable method of punishment back then.

It must be confusing having such conflicting feelings towards your father.

Please go and see GP

Cutting contact is never easy and is never immediate but you need to get some Proper help here as what they did was unimaginable (and yet so
Common ) am pleased you posted OP

Onwards

I haven't read the whole thread, just the first post.
I just wanted to tell you that I think it's normal to be going through these kinds of feelings.
I also grew up in an abusive environment. I had been a victim of many different forms of abuse, which I wasn't even aware of being so bad until my own DD was s few years old, and it catches you at the oddest moments.
I created a thread about the same issue not too long ago, I'd been reading school reports and I'd had 64 unauthorised absences in one! in my reports it was mentioned that I never had a PE kit, correct uniform and that homework was never done. Reports had also mentioned that extra attention was needed towards hygiene and cleanliness of clothes. That was so triggering to me, because I looked back, and I remember that even at the age of 8 or 9 it was obvious to those around us what was going on, but no one stepped in.
Not the parents who saw me taking my sister to school when I was in year 3, not the neighbours who saw my step dad smash my head into a wall at the same age. Not the teachers or the parents who I often heard talking about how disgusting my mum was.

What I will say is, counselling can help. It can help you to sort through stuff in your mind and see it in less conflicting ways.

I'm sorry your childhood was what it was.