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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this wedding condition is a bit off?

183 replies

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 21:51

Maybe I am BU- I've never planned a wedding myself so I'm not sure what the done thing is these days in regards to this. Just after some opinions!
DP and have been invited to a wedding of a close friend of DP, they have a small child of their own. Their wedding is several hours away from our home (and theirs) and is on a weekday in the middle of the summer school holidays.
Their invite states that no children other than their own are invited. AIBU to think that's a lot to ask considering the time of their wedding? Surely it's hard for lots of people to get overnight sitters on a weekday in the summer hols?
Or is this the norm? Ofc it's their wedding, their rules- but should they be expecting a lot of people to not go? It's looking like dp will have to go on his own!

OP posts:

sparechange · 07/03/2017 12:34

I've been to Jewish weddings on a Sunday, so not sure why that wasn't an option.

Because registrars in their area don't work on Sundays, and therefore it wouldn't be a legally binding wedding day, and they would have had to have a separate legal ceremony

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 12:36

My friend had a weekday wedding because his mum is Jewish. He doesn't practice/believe, but he knew his mum would be really upset if they served hot food and had dancing at a Saturday wedding, and that lots of his family would leave early if it was a Friday wedding

We have been to a few weekday weddings for this reason too.

sonyaya · 07/03/2017 12:38

bananafish

You're right and isn't even just London! I looked in the Midlands and the majority held around 100-120. We had to search for one to hold 150 for ours (and eventually found one at 170).

minipie · 07/03/2017 12:50

Fair enough sparechange.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/03/2017 12:53

bananafish genuine, slightly earnest answer to a possibly rhetorical question of yours re 200-capacity venues: if you are looking for 200+ capacity venues for evening post-wedding parties in London (ie accessible by tube), then google for Indian banqueting halls. Most of the weddings I go to are in London, and have at minimum 200 people. And yes, some of them cost a fortune, but some of them don't. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding party where, not only were there packs of kids around, but where the numbers were flexible - the first 40 mins of every party is the waiters dragging out extra tables and dressing them, as various families bring more people than expected. And it all goes well!

...and they aren't castles, but often just big dressed rooms inside very unpreposessing modern-ish buildings in non-elegant parts of town, but you can get a LOT of people in them, and it's a lot of fun.

Doowappydoo · 07/03/2017 13:04

Late to this but I don't think they are being off - it's difficult to organise a wedding that pleases everyone and I think if you arrange a mid week wedding then you do accept that some people might not be able to attend.
I have kids - personally it would be easier for us to organise overnight childcare in the school holidays so I'm not sure that's a good point.
I'm also pretty keen on kid free weddings - we got married earlier than most of our friends so we had kids at our wedding because there weren't that many of them but it does really increase the cost. Our friends got married 5 yrs later and had child free which personally I was delighted about, it was a beautiful wedding and meant we could properly catch up with old friends without having to supervise little ones. I may be biased by the fact that I spent my sister in laws wedding running after my 18 month old whilst she tottered around uneven flagstone floors and then had a tantrum and fell asleep on me at 7pm. That wasn't really a magical family time.

ClarkWGriswold · 07/03/2017 13:10

I'm of the opinion that people can do what they like for their wedding but I would decline any invitation that didn't suit me or my family or put us out.

ClaryIsTheBest · 07/03/2017 13:19

Idk,

There were many kids at our wedding (but we hired entertainers for them...). I obviously think it was perfect (MIL didn't like it at all). So, of course I think they're being weird.

But it's their wedding. And it's your decision whether you want to go. I don't think there's much more to say about this. sorry.

Or maybe your DP could go alone?

And yes, I haven't read the whole thread... sorry if comment was somehow rude or something.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 07/03/2017 13:21

My gut feeling is that they probably haven't even thought about it from that perspective. Their own small child is not yet school age?
Maybe the venue was cheaper on a weekday. In fact, the venue would definitely be cheaper on a weekday, they always are.
They maybe haven't even considered the consequences for invited guests, not given it a second thought. For them it's a one-off event. Do they even know when the school holidays are? I wouldn't have when my babies were small.

OP, you say the B has talked about her own family's issues with the wedding. Did it even occur to the B&G that in most families you tend to use your own relatives as babysitters, and if they're at the wedding as well, then family members will also have difficulties in finding other childcare?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 13:24

Their own small child is not yet school age?

Its in school holidays

sparechange · 07/03/2017 13:35

Archery, a lot of indian wedding venues won't be listened for booze, which might not work for a non-indian wedding...

Original poster

Ginge85 · 07/03/2017 14:41

As I've said a few time now, I completely understand why people would want a child free wedding. I'm all for cost saving and if no kids means less people, and actual close friend and family can attend then I get it. I also get that some people don't want kids running around at their wedding as it's not the kind of event they want- each to their own. I personally would want children at my own wedding, but have no qualms in child free weddings either- it's up to them who they invite. I wasn't initially going to bring DS to the wedding as we wanted to make a night out of it until we realised we had no childcare due to the midweek thing, so I can completely get why people don't want kids there. I work part time, and the day of the wedding I'm not in work anyway, so I am his usual childcare on that day.
My issue is that it requires an overnight stay, AND is midweek, AND doesn't allow children. Meaning we have to take 2 days annual leave, travel in petrol, pay for the hotel room, and around £100 in childcare if we were to attend (which we were very much expected to), but my original post wasn't really about us personally per se, it was in general, as I'm sure other guests will be having the same problem. I'm not sure what the arguments in Bs family are about in detail, I just know the no child rule is causing issues.

OP posts:

minipie · 07/03/2017 14:48

if we were to attend (which we were very much expected to)

This is the real problem OP.

It's all very well for MN posters to say "B&G can set the rules, just don't go" but the reality is the B&G tend to want and expect their invited guests to come and feel hurt if they don't. So you end up between a rock and a hard place - guilt and possibly a soured friendship if you don't go, but expense or precious annual leave used up if you do.

Which is why I don't think it's ok for B&G to plan weddings that are really inconvenient for a lot of their guests. Unless they make it plain that they will fully understand if guests can't make it.

brasty · 07/03/2017 14:55

The large Indian weddings in my City virtually all take place in one of two community centres. Alcohol is forbidden, but they both have very large halls and kitchens suitable for weddings. The only alternative is hiring a ballroom in a stately home which is mega mega expensive.
In London you can get venues of this size more easily. At the Lords Cricket Ground or OXO2. But these tend to be expensive options.How many people want to pay an extra £5,000 to £10,000 plus food, to accommodate distant relatives children and children of friends?

brasty · 07/03/2017 14:56

I wouldn't mind some children at my wedding. I don't want 70-100 children there.

NavyandWhite · 07/03/2017 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunnylove99 · 07/03/2017 15:15

I think it's a real shame children are excluded from so many weddings these days. I know my DD would love to go to a wedding (and I know she would be well behaved and eat the wedding meal without fuss!). I think there is such pressure on couples to have fancy weddings that they plan them beyond their means and one of the costs to be cut in the process is payin for children to attend. It's sad. OP, what does your DH do for a living that he can't book 2 days a/l, months away, for his BFS wedding? That's miserable he can't get the time off. What a shame for him.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 15:40

I think there is such pressure on couples to have fancy weddings that they plan them beyond their means and one of the costs to be cut in the process is payin for children to attend.

I actually disagree.

The cost of 'average' weddings has increased dramatically. My DSis is getting married this year. She is having nothing 'fancy'. In fact much of it is similar to mine.

The difference is that the the price is now almost double what it was when I got married.

nannybeach · 07/03/2017 16:18

We got married in a very small venue,(2nd time around, wanted small wedding)Also BILs children wrecked his S wedding. Knew they would play up and my gs. It didnt clash with school hours, was a week day, people said they couldnt come, I stupidly changed the day to a weekend, STILL said sorry no room for kids, even arranged a friends (adult) son to babysit and my house, (which wasnt far from venue) and hired bouncy castle for them. Request ingored, people turned up with their kids, elderly relatives ended up standing (not even allowed these days because of health and safety fire risks)kids hated the adult menu, sat each side of my H at the top table and refused to move, I ended up on the furthest end of the furthest table.Gs poppd up and messed about during photos. MIL ansisted they come went on and on. Wish I had stuck to my guns, ruined my wedding and reception AND photos!

Original poster

Ginge85 · 07/03/2017 17:17

bunnylove DP is assistant manager, his manager is off that week on holiday, so it would be down to DP to run the place. It's such a shame he is gutted.
nanny I'm sorry to hear you didn't enjoy your wedding as much as you should have. You clearly went out of your way to accommodate guests and it didn't go in your favour. It's all about compromise I think

OP posts:

MargaretCavendish · 07/03/2017 17:36

I think there is such pressure on couples to have fancy weddings that they plan them beyond their means and one of the costs to be cut in the process is payin for children to attend.

I think if we're honest with ourselves the reason why children are the first thing to get cut when budget gets tight is that most people don't especially want small children that aren't theirs at their wedding. This isn't a choice that most brides and grooms are making under duress.

milliemolliemou · 07/03/2017 17:46

Clearly no one's going to agree about child-free or children allowed. Mid week weddings outside a home town are clearly a faff for most people. , As one pp said not many of us live in the same town, county or country as our families any more, so organising a wedding to suit everyone is increasingly difficult. But all OP has to do is to phone and explain her difficulties and refuse courteously - or babysit while DP goes (if he is able to get shift/work pattern changed). I do sympathise with the child-free option having had children shriek and run toys or i-games during the wedding vows more than once - not everyone is courteous enough to remove their kids from church or stop them from yelling during dinner or trying to monopolize everyone's attention. My advice to anyone planning a wedding which doesn't need church, mosque or synagogue - just elope. Have a big party afterwards.

meganorks · 07/03/2017 18:17

I had no kids but mine at my wedding although it was at the weekend. We actually did invite cousin of similar age but they decided not to bring her. I was prepared to make a few exceptions if people were having trouble with childcare. And we had 2 newborns (few weeks old). Due to MN I did ask my friends with kids if they would want/need to bring them and they all said 'god no!' (Exactly how I feel about other people's weddings!).
Anyway, if you are stuck, and presumably this is a good friend, it is worth talking to them.

MummyPenguin2 · 07/03/2017 19:07

It's their wedding, so a completely reasonable request. I had a child-free wedding and fully expected certain people to decline the invite because of that. If you don't want to go or will find it too difficult just politely decline. Easy.

Amaried · 07/03/2017 20:38

I'm always surprised at these posts. Im in Ireland and it's a given that children outside of nieces and nephews are definitely not invited.. weddings tend to be very much a big party and very late night..

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