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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this wedding condition is a bit off?

183 replies

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 21:51

Maybe I am BU- I've never planned a wedding myself so I'm not sure what the done thing is these days in regards to this. Just after some opinions!
DP and have been invited to a wedding of a close friend of DP, they have a small child of their own. Their wedding is several hours away from our home (and theirs) and is on a weekday in the middle of the summer school holidays.
Their invite states that no children other than their own are invited. AIBU to think that's a lot to ask considering the time of their wedding? Surely it's hard for lots of people to get overnight sitters on a weekday in the summer hols?
Or is this the norm? Ofc it's their wedding, their rules- but should they be expecting a lot of people to not go? It's looking like dp will have to go on his own!

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 07/03/2017 01:10

It's only 'off' if they throw s hissy fit of people can't come imo.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 07/03/2017 01:12

but wonder if they'd unintentionally made it difficult for most to attend

I'd guess it's unintentional. Organising any large gathering is very challenging. You can't please all of the people all of the time.
But I do know that having an equal number of adults and children at a large gathering is not conducive to a satisfactory and successful evening. I have kids, and I love kids, but they do tend to take over the proceedings when they arrive in large numbers.

I would say that actual blood related children, and children of members of the main wedding party (as a pp has pointed out) are quite enough. In general terms, any more children than that is far too many children.

I've no idea how the B&G could say that to anyone 'nicely', and in a way that would not piss off their friends.

Fortunately I was married age 18, the youngest child of elderly parents and had no nephews or nieces and none of my friends had kids so I was spared the agonising. I think I was the youngest person at my own wedding. More fool me.

Original poster
Ginge85 · 07/03/2017 01:17

vermillion I get the no kids thing. Not my personal choice but I completely get it and see the appeal for cost reasons aswell as enjoyable reasons- I didn't want to bring DS tbh. It's the fact it's no kids on a week day, in the school hols, at a venue that would require most guests to have an overnight stay, so two full days of childcare required. If it's no kids on a Saturday night or even a Friday, no probs. Their choice. But they've made it hard for people to attend who have kids when it's on a weekday. That's my point

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 07/03/2017 01:21

Just let your dh go without you but reply early making it clear it is the no children rule that is stopping you joining them. They might relent but I doubt it. they will at least know you wanted to go.

I cannot imagine leaving children out of a wedding, it feels very sad to me but as you say it is their big day.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 07/03/2017 01:39

My gut feeling is that they probably haven't even thought about it from that perspective. Their own small child is not yet school age?
Maybe the venue was cheaper on a weekday. In fact, the venue would definitely be cheaper on a weekday, they always are.
They maybe haven't even considered the consequences for invited guests, not given it a second thought. For them it's a one-off event. Do they even know when the school holidays are? I wouldn't have when my babies were small.
You know the answers, I don't. But maybe you are over-thinking it?
In your shoes I'd probably make my excuses with your very acceptable reasons and send DH off on his own.
Unless I really, really wanted to go, and then I'd try to make it happen.
(But I wouldn't have been able to get child care anyway so I'd have coerced DH to say he was sick last minute and let me go instead.)

Original poster
Ginge85 · 07/03/2017 09:39

I've just now been informed that DP can't even get that day off work anyway!!! He's gutted, as will be the G. What a palava! I suppose they will have to declines though having a mid week wedding with no kids that's far away. It may be cheaper in cost but I suppose this is the price you pay for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginge85 · 07/03/2017 09:39

*to expect declines

OP posts:
2014newme · 07/03/2017 10:00

So you can still go and dh can stay home with baby

Underthemoonlight · 07/03/2017 10:05

The costs of adding on additional children can really mount up when does it stop especially if people have more than one child, I had a child free wedding in August but in a Saturday and my friends all managed to get babysitters as it was a one off occasion. I had my two children there and my friends were able to enjoy themselves without having to supervise their children. You do not have to attend but people don't be that person that asks if there dc can come.

minipie · 07/03/2017 10:21

I just feel they've cut their costs down at the expense of their guests.

I think this is true for weekday weddings but not necessarily child free weddings. People may want a child free wedding for lots of reasons other than cost (adults more free to enjoy themselves, different venues suitable etc). Whereas saving costs is the only reason I can think of for a weekday wedding.

MargaretCavendish · 07/03/2017 10:49

I think midweek weddings are pretty selfish: they're also almost invariably a bit shit. Childfree weddings, however, are a matter of taste.

I do think, though, that this is one more way in which people are a bit thoughtless and unfair about people who are a bit 'behind' their peer groups in terms of getting married, having children, etc. If you get married in your twenties then it's unlikely you need to have a childfree wedding unless your family has lots of little children: when I got married at 28, for instance, we said children were completely welcome and ended up with one baby and one three year old, because that's all the children that our friends had. We didn't have to ban children, but we still didn't have a wedding that was dominated by the needs and sounds of small children. It seems to me that friends getting married now in our mid-thirties have a much tougher time of it - if they invited all children then their nice sophisticated wedding would end up resembling a playscheme.

PurpleDaisies · 07/03/2017 10:53

margaret you're spot on about getting married before friends completely changing the picture. One table of six uni friends plus boyfriends now has fourteen children between them. That's a massive extra number of people to accommodate and the dynamic completely changes with that many children.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 10:58

I quite like children at weddings, for many(me) it's what it's all about.

Yep that's all a wedding is about Hmm

Nothing to do with the b&g at all.....

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2017 11:42

I've been to both child-free weddings and ones where children were invited - and to be honest, both sorts were fun and special days, just in different ways.

One couple (who are actually ds2's god parents) had a wedding that was child-free, except for some very close family members, and rang to explain why our children weren't invited, and it was down to space - the venue only held so many people, and inviting children as well would have meant leaving out friends who they wanted there - and I thought that was absolutely reasonable and understandable. However, I know that, if we hadn't been able to find child care, they wouldn't have thrown a hissy fit if we couldn't come.

I've also been to weddings with the boys when they were very small - we went to one when ds2 was only 5 weeks old, and ds1 was nearly 2 - and they were lovely weddings, but a bit more stressful for us, because we were worrying about making sure the boys stayed quiet and behaved themselves during the service. We were praised, after one service, for how quiet ds1 (19 months old) had been - and had to admit that the reason he had been so inaudible during the service was that, at the first squawk, dh had whipped him out of the church, and they'd spent the rest of the service in the car!

MrsXx4 · 07/03/2017 11:51

I am having a child free wedding on a weekday. Our wedding is a black-tie event and the presence of children would spoil the vibe in our opinion. We were fully expecting people with kids not to come but instead were met with delight and people telling us they love an excuse to get dressed up and be child-free!

It is a pain for some people obviously but its their wedding and their rules. xx

ittakes2 · 07/03/2017 12:02

I think this has happened at most of the weddings I have been to including my brother's wedding in Canada.
I couldn't leave my children in the UK for a whole week while I went to the wedding, so they came with me. But the bride was adamant there would be no children at the wedding which was really disappointing. And then to add to it, she refused to give me her family's recommendations for local babysitters incase she wanted to book them for other guests - sent me a link to pay to join a Canadian babysitting website for £60....expecting me to hire some stranger with no qualifications over email! My sister who came all the way from Australia with a 6 month old and a 5 year old was not given any exemptions either. Needless to say my relationship with brother's wife has not blossomed.
To be honest most weddings where I have had to travel the bride/groom expect people to bring their child/ren with them and then hire a local babysitter to watch over them. I've found that tricky in the past - hiring a complete stranger, so I have done things to make myself feel better like talk to them over the phone or even pay for them to come the night before so I can meet them properly in person before I feel comfortable about leaving my children with them.

Ferrisday · 07/03/2017 12:08

When we got married, we kinda knew who would bring their kids and who would prefer to have a child free day. We had a pretty good idea of who could come. We organised babysitters at the venue too.
Some people flew from the other side of the world with and without their children.
Some made a holiday out of it.
We booked a venue that could hold 80 or 120.

I've been invited to a child free wedding that I really want to go to. 200 miles away. Midday
Problem is my entire family is invited too, so no-one has anyone to leave the kids with.

sparechange · 07/03/2017 12:17

Whereas saving costs is the only reason I can think of for a weekday wedding

My friend had a weekday wedding because his mum is Jewish. He doesn't practice/believe, but he knew his mum would be really upset if they served hot food and had dancing at a Saturday wedding, and that lots of his family would leave early if it was a Friday wedding
So the only way for them to have the sort of wedding they wanted (sit down meal, band in the evening) was to have it midweek
We all understood and gladly took the time off work

Justwantcookies · 07/03/2017 12:19

Yanbu. As they have their own child there I think its weird they are not allowing any others. Especially given when the wedding is.

I can't understand anyone who would invite only half a family. I wouldn't go if someone said no kids. Kids are not second class citizens.

ExConstance · 07/03/2017 12:21

Surely most parents would be out at work if they were not going to the wedding anyway, so would already have some childcare in place for the daytimes? Hopefully they might have a friend or relation who would have the children for a sleepover? I prefer child free weddings, less to worry about and the guests can enjoy themselves without having to worry what the children are up to.

Kiroro · 07/03/2017 12:22

in the school hols, at a venue that would require most guests to have an overnight stay, so two full days of childcare required.

You don't need 2 days of child care. Take the child with you, you can book babysitters to the hotel for the afternoon/evening and spend the morning and next day with your child.

bananafish81 · 07/03/2017 12:28

I can't understand anyone who would invite only half a family. I wouldn't go if someone said no kids. Kids are not second class citizens.

So at the weddings you go to are there as many children as adults? Do these weddings have enormous venues?

Genuine question. I've never been to a wedding where everyone's kids were invited, because most venues can't accommodate 200 people. We weren't trying to get a castle or dream venue, just a simple meal and a few drinks and a dance with our friends. Most venues had a capacity for 100 max - if we'd have invited kids then that would have been half our friends ditched so the other half could bring their kids

Maybe it's a London thing - unless you've got a budget for a fuck off hotel venue then massive venues for everyone to bring their entire families just isn't an option.

seafoodeatit · 07/03/2017 12:30

Neither side is BU, unless they demand you attend regardless of circumstances or you demand they change their wedding. It's their wedding, a child free one is a perfectly valid choice.

MargaretCavendish · 07/03/2017 12:31

I can't understand anyone who would invite only half a family. I wouldn't go if someone said no kids. Kids are not second class citizens.

Do you really not see that not all events are suitable for children? Would you not go on the hen do unless your children were invited, too?

minipie · 07/03/2017 12:31

sparechange I've been to Jewish weddings on a Sunday, so not sure why that wasn't an option. But perhaps it depends on particular beliefs.

Obviously there are other reasons for midweek weddings - eg if the B&G and most guests are in jobs where they work at weekends. For those people I completely get it. But most midweek weddings I've heard of do seem to be about cost.