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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this wedding condition is a bit off?

183 replies

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 21:51

Maybe I am BU- I've never planned a wedding myself so I'm not sure what the done thing is these days in regards to this. Just after some opinions!
DP and have been invited to a wedding of a close friend of DP, they have a small child of their own. Their wedding is several hours away from our home (and theirs) and is on a weekday in the middle of the summer school holidays.
Their invite states that no children other than their own are invited. AIBU to think that's a lot to ask considering the time of their wedding? Surely it's hard for lots of people to get overnight sitters on a weekday in the summer hols?
Or is this the norm? Ofc it's their wedding, their rules- but should they be expecting a lot of people to not go? It's looking like dp will have to go on his own!

OP posts:

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 23:24

pyong

Thank you There will actually be around 10 children under 5 there (family kids) so I'm encouraged that this was a success at yours as I'd already resigned myself to the cake being knocked into the floor etc

We just aren't inviting the 70 kids of our guests. We just didn't want that dynamic. So far no one has complained to us, or declined but then all of our friends did childfree and I think you're right it is cultural.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:27

Wow, touchy

TinfoilHattie · 06/03/2017 23:27

It's up to the bride and groom. OP appears to have accepted that although it's not the way she'd do things, they are entitled to have their wedding their way.

Personally i'm not a fan of kids at weddings either.

Wando1986 · 06/03/2017 23:30

Why odd to have adult bridesmaids? They were traditionally adults, not children. I think it's bloody weird to have kids as bridesmaids and groomsmen. Flowergirl and pageboy no.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:30

Why do you care if you agree with me?

There are threads on here all the time "my brother is getting married, DP is the best man, I'm MoH. AIBU not to go because it's child free and I'll have a 2-3 month old by then?"

Response: YABU, their wedding their choice.

Fucking absolutely. Doesn't mean it's not dick behaviour though

(yes, I know this isn't the situation here)

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 23:31

I am on Team Sonyaya.

Weddings are about the couple, what they want and how they want to celebrate. With that said, no couple can complain when guests dont want to come or cant come because of what the couple want. It really is that simple. And not inviting kids is not being a dick. Its a free choice. Demanding the kids be allowed is dickish.

I like kid free weddings but then DP and I dont like kids to be honest. Our celebration wasnt child free as DP has a sister who has popped out a small army (6 kids under 10) and they are best of friends. We did think about a smaller, different type of celebration (private dining room for adults) and then a party with her and the kids later in the year but opted for a bigger event in the end.

SittingAround1 · 06/03/2017 23:31

They might be doing mid-week, no children in order to keep the numbers/ costs down.

It's their wedding so their choice.
Personally I find the idea of child free weddings a bit odd (I've never been to one).

The last wedding I went to the b&g hired a babysitter at the wedding for guests to leave their children with (not in the uk though).

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:33

"The last wedding I went to the b&g hired a babysitter at the wedding for guests to leave their children with"

This is what I'm planning.

Original poster

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 23:33

I can see the reasons for having both child free weddings and also having them there. I am all for cutting costs where appropriate if you don't have an unlimited budget- the costs of weddings these days is just mental (the main reason me and DP aren't married yet!) so I completely get how much cost children can add on. I get it.
I also personally feel children do add something special to a wedding, the whole Peter Kay thing just makes it IMO if it were my wedding- but ask me again when it's my budget! My issues is NOT with the fact it's child free- it's the fact that it's miles away, requires an overnight stay, and is midweek- it doesn't seem plausible for a large portion guests to attend given all of these factors together. If the wedding were on a Saturday- no kids is no issue as I'm guessing babysitters are more readily available then.
Just to clarify- DP and I were not planning on bringing DS initially- it was always a given we would get a sitter, before we realised it was midweek and there wasn't one available. We weren't going to leave him at home for any other reason than the fact that we don't get out a lot and it would've been nice to relax and have a drink- no one else's kids (were they invited) would have bothered me being there- I'm not fussed either way. When we realised the date and the fact that PIL were away that week we figured we would bring him, in order so we could come. We are not related, but this is DPs oldest friend, and we are one of the few couples who have been left a room at their wedding venue (albeit an expensive one!) so we were definitely expected to go. It was only when we looked closer at the invite and saw the 'adults only' that I realised our dilemma.
However it's not the end of the world should I stay at home with DS whilst DP goes, as disappointing as it may be. I just wanted to get some opinions given all of the factors

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 23:34

:o if my wedding is anything to go by then the biggest issue is likely to be parents trying to sneak out unseen during the speeches as their DC needed a wee!

Unless your family are dicks, and you wouldnt invite them if they were, then they wont want their children to make a fuss. They are not going to want to be remembered as "that" family. The horror stories of babies crying through vows and not being taken out, cake tables going flying etc usually come from people who are known by the B&G to be selfish dicks so I have limited sympathy if they are still invited!

BackforGood · 06/03/2017 23:37

Glad you have conceded YABU.
This question is asked very, very regularly on MN, and always divides the crowd. You always get some poster who are very rude too, sadly.
However, it is usually a pretty even split (on MN). I think it must be cultural (or regional?) as my experience in RL is that it's very normal to have child free weddings, and is preferred by a lot of people.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:38

Best friends family also come under family, in my mind. I would rather invite my best friends as their entire family (parents, cousins and all) than my random second cousin and weird aunt that I don't really know.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 23:40

They might be doing mid-week, no children in order to keep the numbers/ costs down

Yes but by keeping costs down for themselves, they are passing the cost onto their guests. I have a real problem with that.

A mid week wedding miles and miles away costs each guest...

2 days annual leave (so x2 for a working couple)
Hotel room cost
Day time childcare and overnight sitters, if they dont have family or friends to ask
Travel

Thats on top of the clothes/gift palaver. So cheaper for the B&G but more expensive for everyone else.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:41

This is a mumsnet thing. I've spoken about this and come across this question a lot on real life, and not once have I come across a person saying 'yes you're right. It doesn't matter if your brother/cousin/daughter isn't there. So long as it's CHILD FREE'

llangennith · 06/03/2017 23:41

Send a nice card with apologies that you can't make it. Their choice to have a childfree wedding and your choice not to go.

Ridiculous to spend lots of money on travel, accommodation and childcare, plus the usual expenses of wedding outfits and a present. Why don't the bride and groom THINK before they organise their wedding? If you want certain people to attend your wedding don't make them jump through hoops to get there.

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 23:42

And that's fine because it's your wedding and you get to set the guest list. But other people get to set the guest list for their weddings.

OP - their choice of course but kids aside it does sound a logistically difficult wedding and I think it's very nice of you both that your DP is going. A lot of people would just both decline. Is it miles away from where anyone going lives or are they getting married in that place for a reason? E.g. brides family from there?

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 23:43

I won't say YABU as you've said that you've not organised a wedding so don't really know how it rolls.
If kids are specifically not invited, and this is a wedding that's miles away
I don't know if I could be bothered.
So I don't think you are being unreasonable to question it. If it was me I wouldn't go unless I really really wanted to and it was easy to arrange childcare.

If you're not bothered about going I wouldn't feel bad about turning it down and sending DP on his own. My own DP, when my kids were little would probably not have been arsed to go on his own. But I wouldn't have minded if he had. I'd say just do what suits you best.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:44

P. S. It's a dick move if your closest friends and family have kids. Yeah... Do what you want. Always, we all have the choice to do what you choose, but do you really want to be THAT person?

Meh, I don't,

Original poster

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 23:45

pyongyang that's exactly my point. It's all of the factors together that make me think it is a little 'off' (if you are expecting most people to attend) and not just simply that it's child free. Less cost for them, but a hell of a cost for the guests. I get the money saving thing totally, but considering you're inviting guests who you want to actually attend, I feel some compromise should be done in this situation. I.e- child free on a weekend. Or children welcome on a weekday. Or a venue closer to home?

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 23:46

llangennith - side issue but how do brides and grooms avoid things like travel and accommodation costs for guests? Even the op states "it's the fact that it's miles away, requires an overnight stay, "

Its a wedding - not everyone lives in the same place anymore. Surely?

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 06/03/2017 23:48

I think child free weddings are very strange. I don't have children myself (and probably never will) but one of my happiest memories of my wedding day was watching the children play on the lawn after dinner and run around exploring the castle venue. Don't even get me started on the cute outfits!

OP, either they aren't that bothered if their guests with children decline (sorry, are you close?) or they are spectacularly thick, or have been consumed by bride/groom zillaness.

Original poster

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 23:49

It's not the other end of the country, but I'd say it's a good 2-3 hour drive away from our home. They live around 1 hour away from us. My geography isn't great but it's not any closer to their home- if anything it's further. The wedding venue is not a place where either b&g are from, Im not sure what the connection is or why they've chosen there.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 23:49

"Or a venue closer to home?" - how can this even be a thing? DP and I had family from England, France, Zimbabwe, South Africa and Turkey come to our wedding. Which was held in the city we lived in. We could have chosen two of those countries and still had a lot of our friends and family there but then people would have had to travel anyway.

Original poster

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 23:51

bitchy I am not personally but G is DPs best friend, they speak via text on a regular basis. They definitely expected us to be there and have a room reserved for us in their wedding venue, I am invited to Bs hen do.

OP posts:

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:51

OP said venue was miles away from them too

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