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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this wedding condition is a bit off?

183 replies

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 21:51

Maybe I am BU- I've never planned a wedding myself so I'm not sure what the done thing is these days in regards to this. Just after some opinions!
DP and have been invited to a wedding of a close friend of DP, they have a small child of their own. Their wedding is several hours away from our home (and theirs) and is on a weekday in the middle of the summer school holidays.
Their invite states that no children other than their own are invited. AIBU to think that's a lot to ask considering the time of their wedding? Surely it's hard for lots of people to get overnight sitters on a weekday in the summer hols?
Or is this the norm? Ofc it's their wedding, their rules- but should they be expecting a lot of people to not go? It's looking like dp will have to go on his own!

OP posts:
Crispsheets · 06/03/2017 22:53

I could think of nothing worse than watching overtired children show off at a wedding.

bananafish81 · 06/03/2017 22:55

To have a non child free wedding we'd have had to hire a venue twice the size, or invite hardly any friends

Our venue had a capacity of 100. Most of our friends have at least 1 child. Those who don't understand child free weddings and say it's all about family - should we have found a venue that could accommodate 150-200 people in order to include everyone's children? Or should we have not invited dear friends we wanted to celebrate with so that others could bring their children?

We were truly honoured so many friends joined us. Some didn't come with partners who stayed at home with the kids. But we'd have understood anyone who couldn't have come

Ours wasn't a midweek wedding but was a Sunday (Jewish wedding) which was inconvenient for those coming from out of town. We felt it was only fair to make sure that we laid on free taxis to the station (London so no one drove), paid for accommodation for family from out of town, and put on an open bar and told people no gifts - because we were already asking a lot of them to come on a Sunday (and in many cases take Monday off work)

The midweek thing isn't unreasonable but is likely to mean fewer people can attend.

The child free thing is normal - I've been to very very few non child free weddings. How do people who invite children accommodate everyone? Do you prioritise kids over your actual friends? Or get a much bigger venue?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 22:55

Yep. Thoughtless and unrealistic, when loads of family members have kids. It's selfish.

If people want to come to my wedding, I'll be delighted. I'm not going to tell them to leave half their family at home, because I'm not a dick.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 22:57

Especially not mid week (who the fuck gets married mid week)... In the summer holidays!

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 22:57

I could think of nothing worse than watching overtired children show off at a wedding.

Glad you didnt come to my wedding then!

And who said anything about overtired? Ime of 6 children and being at many many family parties as a child myself, when kids are tired they sleep, usually on a pile of coats under a table!

PurpleDaisies · 06/03/2017 22:59

And yes, a wedding without kids is boring!

I never understand this sort of comment.

Going out to dinner with adults only is boring? Going out dancing with no childrdn is boring? Confused

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 23:00

should we have found a venue that could accommodate 150-200 people in order to include everyone's children?

No, what you should have done was work out the guest list, look at the budget and work out what could fit both.

What you dont do, at least in my world, is find the "dream venue" (fucking hate that phrase) and the cull the guest list to fit.

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 23:01

Where did I say that?! The beauty of having kids other than your own at a wedding is that they dont need much looking after.

Older children maybe. 5 and under, they need watching like a hawk at a wedding - unless of course you are one of these parents who thinks it's funny/adorable when your child behaves disruptively at a wedding.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 06/03/2017 23:02

It's their wedding and hopefully they haven't worded it as "we hope you'll enjoy an evening away from your children". Hopefully they will be ok about the declines. I personally really dislike childfree weddings as it basically just turns into a rowdy piss up and ignores the fact it is two families coming together, i.e. It's basically just a very expensive night on the town.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 23:03

Who said that Purple?

I like going out to dinner without my kids, and going dancing without them. But there is something special about weddings.

My favourite photo of my wedding is 4 generations of women doing the YMCA. The oldest was in her late 80's, the youngest was 4, it was wonderful to see.

It just seems sad that creating a family is what weddings are all about, even if the B&G dont have children, they are still starting their own family simply by getting married, and to me part of that celebration includes all the generations.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 06/03/2017 23:04

I happily had kids at my wedding and loved their barminess.

But as a parent of tweens/teens I really really love a child-free wedding now. It costs us an arm and a leg as we don't have family who can help (old, far away, etc) but it's fab. I wouldn't have felt like this when my PFB was one though.

Are you able to take e.g. a grandma with you to look after your child if you are worried about being away from them too long?

Trb17 · 06/03/2017 23:06

Same here. Child free weddings are just an adult day/night drinking session. Weddings are more than this... and kids are an important part of the families that are coming together. To exclude them just doesn't sit right with me.

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 23:07

Actually pyong I agree with you that you do the guest list and then pick the venue. We have capacity for more people at our wedding but we haven't included children except for family/wedding party on that list because that's not the sort of event we want.

sheraaagh I'm sure you're generally lovely but actually on this point you do sound like a bit of a dick. I'm pleased you have unlimited funds to accommodate every guest's children (and presumably their parents and grandparents as well otherwise actually, yes you are asking them to leave half their family at home), but not everyone does. It doesn't make them a "dick". Don't be so bloody judgmental.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 06/03/2017 23:07

Oh and yes just get a bigger venue. You don't need to get married in a frigging castle etc get a hotel that can accommodate everyone and their families (preferably with good choice of alternative accommodation close by) rather than the £200 per room or £50 taxi ride to the nearest hotel all to get some photos where you can pretend to be a princess. Weddings have gone mad!

bananafish81 · 06/03/2017 23:08

No, what you should have done was work out the guest list, look at the budget and work out what could fit both.
*
What you dont do, at least in my world, is find the "dream venue" (fucking hate that phrase) and the cull the guest list to fit.*

In London there's a massive price difference between a venue for 200 and one for 100

100 was a large guest list for a London wedding!!

I've never been to a wedding that wasn't child free. Not inviting children isn't culling a guest list when they're never usually on the guest list to begin with amongst your friends and family.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 23:08

Sonyaya Well there were many under 5's at ours, there was some tag teaming during the meal but they all behaved beautfully, mine and our guests. Then it was a case of keeping an eye on them on the dance floor, oh and we put on a couple of giant games (connect 4 and snakes and ladders) but they didnt go near them as the adults were playing them!

I just dont see the issue!

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 23:09

Are people talking about including children of the B&G's family when going on about two families coming together? or everyone's children? Because if the latter I genuinely don't understand the logic (even if you accept the dubious premise of a wedding being about the joining of 2 families).

brasty · 06/03/2017 23:11

Do what you want for your wedding. But I do find it strange when people say they can not have fun without kids around.

bananafish81 · 06/03/2017 23:11

Oh and yes just get a bigger venue. You don't need to get married in a frigging castle etc get a hotel that can accommodate everyone and their families (preferably with good choice of alternative accommodation close by) rather than the £200 per room or £50 taxi ride to the nearest hotel all to get some photos where you can pretend to be a princess. Weddings have gone mad!

Where exactly is a central London venue for 200 people?

Should we have gone out of town and asked everyone to book hotels just so we could afford a venue to accommodate 200 people?

Or had a wedding in the town where the majority of guests live and could get home to their own bed

We didn't want a castle. We wanted a simple meal with family and friends.

Where exactly are these 200 seater wedding venues in central London if you're not on a Savoy budget?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 23:12

Well, that's for calling me a dick. That's appreciated. It's not about unlimited funds. Maybe it's OK for you, but I'd never ask my family to leave their children at home at my wedding.

Fine.. Maybe when it's non family children it makes sense, but I really don't understand these people that say no kids when ALL their siblings and close relatives have children. It puts them in an impossible situation. Half my family = my kids. Obviously my personal extended family isn't included here... Don't be a dick. Grin

brasty · 06/03/2017 23:13

Its easy when you get married young when the chances are there are simply less children around. But for some people inviting children will mean 40-70 younger kids there. When you get that many kids, weddings turn into afterschool clubs or playgroups more.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 23:15

And I hope you have a lovely wedding btw Sonyaya

I am coming to the conclusion that weddings are cultural. I am half Irish and if I had suggested having a "no kids" wedding then I am sure that explosion would have made the news!

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 23:16

That made no sense! I mean that even in the UK with British participants, weddings are cultural, down to individual families

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 23:20

If people want to come to my wedding, I'll be delighted. I'm not going to tell them to leave half their family at home, because I'm not a dick

You said this sheraaagh, meaning that those who do ask people to leave their children at home for their wedding (such as me) are dicks. So don't get all precious.

I know you meant your kids by half your family but my point is one's family isn't just their kids. You don't have to invite someone's kids just because they're a guests family anymore than someone's mother.

I am inviting family children as I adore them, so I agree with you on that score; the OP isn't related to the couple getting married I don't think though? So are the bride and groom still dicks for not inviting OP's kids?

Lochan · 06/03/2017 23:21

arwthereanyleft

A mid week school holiday is harder to find child care for because you are potentially going to be asking someone to look after your children for a solid 24 or 48 hours. Which is a big ask. Particularly if Grandparents or family members are working and would have to use their annual leave to cover it.

Whereas during term time the children are likely to be in school most of the day and therefore you are just asking someone to do a pick up, sleepover and drop off, which is considerably less effort.