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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this wedding condition is a bit off?

183 replies

Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 21:51

Maybe I am BU- I've never planned a wedding myself so I'm not sure what the done thing is these days in regards to this. Just after some opinions!
DP and have been invited to a wedding of a close friend of DP, they have a small child of their own. Their wedding is several hours away from our home (and theirs) and is on a weekday in the middle of the summer school holidays.
Their invite states that no children other than their own are invited. AIBU to think that's a lot to ask considering the time of their wedding? Surely it's hard for lots of people to get overnight sitters on a weekday in the summer hols?
Or is this the norm? Ofc it's their wedding, their rules- but should they be expecting a lot of people to not go? It's looking like dp will have to go on his own!

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 06/03/2017 22:27

It's entirely up to them, just as it's up to you and your DP whether to decide to go or not.

(I still think it's weird. I had never come across child-free weddings before I came on MN. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding without a pack of kids gathering and playing together. Family wedding are one of the regular occasions that DS sees his farther-flung cousins!)

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 22:27

Its not something I did, but each to their own.

However.....they have one small child? Good luck to them if they think that they are going to have a fun relaxed day, even if the grannies have been charged with childcare! Without other kids to play with their child will be tagging after mummy and daddy all day.

When I got married (both times) we already had kids and one of the reasons I wouldnt have considered "no kids except ours" was because I wanted them to have their friends there too. They had far more fun as a result than they would have had if it had just been them. And yes, a wedding without kids is boring!

And I get really mad with people who have weddings (kids invited or not) that are hours away, require an expensive overnight stay and a couple of days off work. I really fucking hate that instead of stumping up for a weekend wedding , they get a cheaper midweek deal and then pass the cost on to their guests in terms of time off and hotel rooms.

NowtAbout · 06/03/2017 22:29

Annoying as it is how else can you invite everyone if you have a large family and/or lots of friends and limited money.

If we got married now most of our friends have 2 or more kids. Our family (sibs/GPS/Parents/ aunt and uncles and first cousins come to over 60) people. Good friends about 15 each plus partners. Then the od neighbour/colleague - were already up to 120 Then their kids Shock

TheCuntess · 06/03/2017 22:29

Ours was child free accept for our children.

We simply couldn't afford to have children. There weren't enough spaces. It would have meant adult family wouldn't have been able to come.

KoolKoala07 · 06/03/2017 22:30

I had no children at my wedding last year. Best decision I made. All my guests understood and accepted our wishes. Those who couldn't find childcare didn't come.

SpareASquare · 06/03/2017 22:30

Not off at all.
As long as the couple understand that some people won't be able to come, I think they're fine. I would rather not take my children and very much enjoy child free events so I'd be there.
Those who take great offence and boycott, well, better off without them there.
I do feel for those who genuinely (not just don't wanna) cannot attend without children.

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 22:31

And yes, a wedding without kids is boring!

Hmm
2014newme · 06/03/2017 22:31

Completely fine. Presumably they know some people won't be able to make it or just one of a couple. weekday in school hols is surely easier to accommodate than weekdays in term time.
Have a great time!

jcsp · 06/03/2017 22:33

To my mind a wedding is a celebration. It always seems a bit odd if children aren't invited. Especially as that's what many married couples want/end up having. I quite like children at weddings, for many(me) it's what it's all about.

The trouble is that if you married early compared to friends you are the one with children as friends are getting round to getting married. Often your own children are young and hard to leave with others.

We've turned them down in the past. Too difficult to find long term sitters and our parents were too far away.

CP

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 22:34

Sorry for the rant, can you tell that I got a mouthful (well texts) of abuse when I didnt attend a relatives wedding that was hours away from where we both live, midweek and the hotel cost a fortune in rooms?!

Hairyfairy01 · 06/03/2017 22:35

We also had a child free wedding other than our own and family. Reasons being cost and also the fact that most of our friends had 2/3 kids each. There would have potentially of been more kids than adults, and mainly under 5's. I also feared that all these parents would leave at 8pm to put these kids to bed. Some of our friends couldn't make it as a result which was fair enough, most did though.

JaneEyre70 · 06/03/2017 22:38

So they're asking their guests to travel (presumably overnight accomodation needed as well as fuel costs), use annual leave, get their kids looked after in the holidays and turned up suited and booted with a generous gift.......all so they get their venue a few hundred quid cheaper. Charming.

BlondeBecky1983 · 06/03/2017 22:39

Our problem is we have no children of our own and neither do our immediate family. We are having teenage children there but no young children. Our friends all have at least 2 children each so would bump the guest list up by about 30. We're almost at capacity for our venue as it is so it's just not doable. Our close friends all prefer to be child free anyway and are looking forward to a weekend away.

QuitMoaning · 06/03/2017 22:39

We had no children at our wedding. There was a limit of 100 guests and my mother's side of the family numbered nearly 70 as 8 of my cousins had at least 3 children each, and two of them had small children themselves. That was before we got to my dad's side, let alone the groom's family.
The only way we could accommodate both families was no children. And then we had some spaces for a couple of friends. We weren't being tight, it was physically impossible.
It was an awesome day.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/03/2017 22:39

Why is it harder to organise childcare on a weekday in the summer holiday than at any other time?

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 22:40

Sonyaya

Yes! Adult only weddings doesnt have little girls showing off their dancing, little boys (and adult boys now, thanks to Peter Kaye!) sliding around the dance floor, grannies and grandchildren dancing together....all the lovely things that you just dont see anymore.

Far more fun to see that than stand around talking about said children with people you dont know, who paid the same fortune you did to be there without their own kids.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 22:40

My grammar went to pot there, but I am sure you will forgive me.

ScarletSienna · 06/03/2017 22:40

Weddings are not all about the children nor boring without them (IMO). It's about two people making promises to each other. Who they want to do this in front of is totally up to them.

sonyaya · 06/03/2017 22:45

pyongyang

Can you really not appreciate that different people find different things fun/boring?

Eh My fiancé loves F1, I find it tedious.

You like spending a wedding where you and the other guests are preoccupied looking after children. Fine. I don't. I (and basically everyone in my circle of friends) hates it. We like to have a proper drink and catch up and adult time.

Just because you think something is boring it does not make it objectively so!

Original poster
Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 22:45

I'm not expecting the b&g to accommodate us or anyone else with children if that's what's they choose. It is their wedding and up to them. I was asking if that was the norm. As others have said- to me, a wedding is about family, and children are part of that.
That being said, I do understand if there's lots of guests with children it can put the cost up massively- I get that. If the wedding was on a Saturday (or even a Friday- this wedding is mid week) it would seem more plausible to be able to get overnight childcare IMO. I was asking as the wedding is midweek and most people work. Before the invite arrived we weren't planning on bringing DS (whether it's term time or not- DS is only 1, it doesn't affect us personally as he's not yet in school, just asking for others who have school age children, as B hasn't told me she's having issues with her own family objecting to the no child rule). We now realise bringing him would be our only option if we are both to attend.

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 06/03/2017 22:46

Meh, mid week, summer holidays, miles away? Are they completely unaware of actual real life?

Yeah yeah, their wedding, they can do what they want. Of course they can.. Doesn't mean it's not thoughtless an unrealistic. But in MN world, what you want for your wedding is SO important and fuck your actual close friends and relatives and making them feel comfortable and welcome at your special day.

Original poster
Ginge85 · 06/03/2017 22:49

I thought it would be harder to find childcare for school age children in the summer holidays as they're not in school? It would require two full days of childcare. Rather than just wrap around care for one full day and one morning. It is in the middle of the week. As I've said my DS is 1 so doesn't apply to me. But other children who have school age children maybe this would be more difficult. I know it would cost us close to £100 for 2 days of paid childcare

OP posts:
ScarletSienna · 06/03/2017 22:51

Sheraaargh-'thoughtless and unrealistic'? Really? So if numbers are limited who should they bump off their list to accommodate other people's children?

Trb17 · 06/03/2017 22:52

@PyongyangKipperbang

Totally agree! Kids make a wedding to me and love watching them and seeing them involved with all the other generations.

I didn't read your comments as saying anyone who thought otherwise was wrong. Just your opinion and one I share.

You can't beat a good knee slide on the dance floor and kids do it so much better WinkGrin

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2017 22:53

You like spending a wedding where you and the other guests are preoccupied looking after children

Where did I say that?! The beauty of having kids other than your own at a wedding is that they dont need much looking after. Supervising, yes of course, but they dont want to be entertained as they and their friends entertain themselves. Whereas if the B&G only have their own small child at the wedding his is going to be bored and want attention that they are not going be able (or maybe even want) to give during the event.

I do find events without children to be boring, but my family have always done "everyone or no one" so the idea of cutting out a whole group based on their age is alien to me.