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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
plastique · 06/03/2017 15:43

I'm on the receiving side of a similar situation.. my 2 dc have not been invited to be ushers for their step brothers wedding. 3 others have, also step siblings but adults. My 2dc were ushers at 2 of the step siblings weddings previously, I'm trying to be ok about it but it's a blatant snub in my eyes

mummymeister · 06/03/2017 15:43

craic - yes that's a good idea - really going to promote peace love and harmony. this isn't about an 18 year old throwing a strop. its about the bride throwing a strop!

She is effectively doing the old play ground trick "I wuv you more than I wuv her so you can be my most special fwend"

I absolutely would be this 18 year old and refuse to go. who would want to be there and spend all day having to justify why there were 3 bridesmaids - 2 of whom were sister/sil and you weren't one of them.

the only mistake the younger sister has made is to try and do this through the mum. she should be speaking directly to the bride and telling her how hurt she is and not going.

ItWentInMyEye · 06/03/2017 15:46

YANBU.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/03/2017 15:47

Looks like most of the respondents on this thread are Bridezilla types with fixed ideas about wedding etiquette

Nope certainly I was not a 'bridezilla' nor did I trample over people's feelings. unlike the OP

Foxysoxy01 · 06/03/2017 15:51

My opinion is, yeah you are being mean and I would be really upset if I was your sister.

I'm confused why you posted on here if you don't care a shit what anyone else thinks?

Could you not have your two other sisters go first like flower girls without the flowers (obviously not mandatory you can have flower adults if you like) then you and bridesmaids? I went to a wedding like this and it looked great it was a really good idea so everyone the bride loved could be involved without a train of bridesmaids behind her.

PennysUnicornHoodie · 06/03/2017 15:54

Another YABU here as well, I wouldn't dream of singling out one sister to be my bridesmaid even if I was closer to her, as it just seems really cruel on the other sisters.

You're basically telling them they're not as important to you.
But from reading your responses and op you probably don't mind letting them know that anyway.

You say bridesmaids aren't having a massive role at the wedding just walking up the aisle, I'm not sure what else a bridesmaid would do tbh

BitOutOfPractice · 06/03/2017 15:57

I have to say I agree it should be all or none. And I'm not surprised your sister is upset.

You sound a delight op!

2017SoFarSoGood · 06/03/2017 15:58

One word OP.
*
Glue.
*
Your poor sister. perhaps your poor HTB

HappyFlappy · 06/03/2017 16:00

Everyone has gone to every wedding and no one has thrown a strop. Don't know why it's made out to be such a big deal.

This ^

EmeraldScorn · 06/03/2017 16:13

If any of my sisters had chosen their partner's sister to be a bridesmaid I'd have been livid, in fact I've never known a bride to ask the groom's family to be in the bridal party.

You've made a really bad call in my opinion and I'm not surprised that your sister is upset; If any "sisters" at all were going to be your bridesmaids then it should have been your sisters not his sister.

Your sister is feeling hurt and I can see why!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 06/03/2017 16:21

She can always do what my cousin did, attend the wedding dressed as a bridesmaid anyway.

mummabubs · 06/03/2017 16:23

Personally I'm with the all or none train- I have two sisters and at my wedding in December I had 3 bridesmaids: my two sisters and my DH's sister. I completely get the "it's your day so do what you want" mentality but I can really understand why your sister is upset. Is it not just worth paying for one extra dress to include her at the same level as the other sister? Just saying. X

NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 16:25

Jackelope YY! My SIL who was "best woman" wore a dress which looked very much like a bridesmaid dress except that it clashed with my sister's actual bridesmaid dress Grin

PunjanaTea · 06/03/2017 16:25

Do you really have no insight into why she might be upset?

I'm not sure why you asked for another opinion when you seem convinced that you're totally reasonable.

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/03/2017 16:26

I'll also add to my previous post. I truly hope this marriage is one that lasts. Nothing more hurtful than making it blatantly obvious you 'love' your partner's family more than your own. If it does sadly not work out, it will be your own family you want, not his. Don't burn your bridges by being so dismissive of your younger sister now. There may come a day where you need her and she will have found a better 'sister' to give her time to.

ScrapThatThen · 06/03/2017 16:26

So what will you say when you take her out to lunch? Hope you can resolve it with her OP.

monkey1978 · 06/03/2017 16:29

I am 1 of 3 sisters and if one of us was getting married and only 1 of us was a bridesmaid that would be incredibly hurtful.
Even if you get on with your other sister better there is no way you should have done that.
Unless your sister is abusive etc

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/03/2017 16:39

I am actually more gobsmacked by the posters on here who say that when their son's get married they would expect their daughters to be bridesmaids! Their dils-to-be will be on here posting my MIL to be expects her daughter to be my bridesmaind and we'll all be saying Whoa - MIL is out of order!

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 16:53

I think it's an awful thing to do - to choose your DPs sister over your own, especially when your own sister is obviously quite desperate to be one.
18 is very young, of course she's immature. And it's obtuse of you to put it down to a 'stroppy teenage phase'. I'd think she's genuinely gutted and quite understandably so. I can also understand why she appeared to be ok with it to start with. She'd be a bit shocked before it sunk in. And maybe she doesn't want to come now because she'll be upset and embarrassed and doesn't want to have to keep a lid on it all day.
And if anybody thinks I sound a bit over-dramatic, maybe they've forgotten what it feels like to be 18. And to be overlooked and dismissed as unimportant, and to have what you thought would be a given snatched away and given instead to a johnny come lately.

What little insight you have.

NameChange30 · 06/03/2017 16:54

"we'll all be saying Whoa - MIL is out of order!"

Bahahahahaha

If everyone in AIBU said that a MIL was being unreasonable I would have a heart attack

You clearly haven't read any MIL/PIL threads!

Topseyt · 06/03/2017 16:55

Ha!! Certainly no bridezilla here. I really couldn't care less about most wedding tradition or etiquette.

Just saying along with a fair few others that I can see why the OP's sister might feel snubbed, and marvelling that the OP apparently has such thick rhino hide that she cannot. Or she is determined not to.

I do believe "your wedding, your rules" generally, but use some common sense.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 16:55

I am actually more gobsmacked by the posters on here who say that when their son's get married they would expect their daughters to be bridesmaids!

Couldn't agree more. How very odd. Although I've seen it happen once when the bride had no friends.

sailorcherries · 06/03/2017 16:57

So the OP was 3 sisters and only 1 is a bridesmaid. The other two bridesmaids are, by her own admission, very close to the OP. Therefore we can assume that the OP is close to the one sister chosen.

That isn't favourites, that is the bride being surrounded by people she has chosen because of their relationship. Just because she is a blood relative it doesn't mean that the OP should automatically give her this role. I'd rather have the people who mean a lot to me by my side than someone who is there because it is expected, sister or not.

The other 2 sisters have been given other jobs in the wedding. They have not been left out nor is the other one throwing a fit.

The sister in question clearly thinks having flowers and a dress is more important than being a witness and the mother agrees. That is selfish and immature.

AYankinSpanx · 06/03/2017 17:00

Everyone looking forward to wedding season on MN?

Cloudhopping · 06/03/2017 17:02

YABU and very thoughtless. Your poor sister.