Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
ExConstance · 06/03/2017 14:59

YANBU, Certainly amongst my friendship group bridesmaids usually included some of the bride's and some of the groom's family members.
3 is a good number of bridesmaids and you have already given your younger sister a significant role in the ceremony. You can't go back now, she is being very selfish and immature trying to ruin your day by kicking off about this.

ginnybag · 06/03/2017 15:02

I'd have been hurt as your sister as well. There's just no logic to what you've done unless the sister you have picked is closer to you for some significant reason that's obvious to others.

Be prepared, OP, that this might well damage your relationship with her. I suspect mine with my own sister has been for similar reasons.

Through a series of twists and turns, her line up of BM's has changed several times, so that now her future husband's brother's girlfriend is her MOH, as opposed to any of her oldest friends or her family.

It has become very, very clear as time has worn on and the line up has changed that I am only a part of her wedding at all because she feels that has to include me.

It's her wedding, and her choice and I certainly wouldn't dream of saying anything to her. I don't even want to feel hurt by her choices, because it's frankly ridiculous and I accept absolutely that she has the right to make them, but the fact is, it still stings and that is colouring my reactions to her wedding, however much I don't want it to, and our interactions in general. I can't imagine how I would have felt had she left me out altogether.

I'm very far from 18 btw.

welovepancakes · 06/03/2017 15:05

wow. I certainly lit the matches on this one. But hey ho. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

That's fairly dismissive of people who are trying to help you empathise with your sister

ProfAnnieT · 06/03/2017 15:07

She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister

You may not think you are close to her, but she seemed to think she was close to you. By rejecting her as a bridesmaid, you've made her re-evaluate her relationship with/to you, and realised that she is less important to you than you are to her. That, I think, is what she is hurting over.

fuxxake · 06/03/2017 15:11

Ugh wedding politics. Someone is always offended. I have a big family of siblings. Each has got married and asked a sis to be BM, sometimes others have had roles sometimes not. One sis had SIL as BM and no sisters. Everyone has gone to every wedding and no one has thrown a strop. Don't know why it's made out to be such a big deal. Not demeaning your wedding but some people need to get some real problems and some perspective.
Yes to having a proper chat to your younger sis and clearing the air so there's no bad feeling.

NerrSnerr · 06/03/2017 15:12

I agree with the posters who say you should have gone for all of them or none of them. I can understand why she's upset- it must be a kick in the teeth if she thinks she's liked less than the other sister.

BreatheDeep · 06/03/2017 15:12

YABU. She knows you're picking favourites and that's why she is upset. If being a witness or doing a reading is an equal job, why didn't you ask your SIL and BF to do those so you're sisters were all your bridesmaids?

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2017 15:12

To all of you asking Why I chose my DP sister’s - she has been more of a sister to me than any of my actual sisters. I love her

Ah makes sense now, you're playing favourites! If that's what you want to do fair enough but all actions have consequences and your wedding will be remembered for all the wrong reasons by some people.

ExConstance · 06/03/2017 15:14

OP, I agree with the choices you have made, because they are your choices, anyone who thinks being a bridesmaid is particularly important has a very sad life.

unicornsIlovethem · 06/03/2017 15:16

If I were you op, I'd just have my best friend as a bridesmaid and give SIL the witnessing job. No sister bridesmaids at all.

FWIW, I did have my sister as a bridesmaid, but there was family drama and upset because I refused to have my cousins as bridesmaids. I may have done if I'd met them more than twice in my life, but I didn't see why I should promote distant relations over close friends' children. I don't really care whether or not they got over it, tbh. I've only seen them once since and I got married 15 years ago...

BeaveredBadgered · 06/03/2017 15:18

It seems that not having her will do lasting damage to your relationship. Is it worth it for the sake of having one more bridesmaid?
You might not be getting on well at the moment- she's 18 and might be quite annoying (I'm assuming there's a reason you haven't chosen her). But in 10 years time when she might be a doting Auntie to your children (or not), or you might both be a bit more mature and getting along better, will you feel any regret at hurting her by leaving her out?

batch74 · 06/03/2017 15:18

I get the fact it's your wedding and you should do as you wish.......but if I were your sister, I would also be really upset and hurt. You've put DP sister at a higher level than your own sister. Your sister is only 18, still young and with hormones everywhere. She's probably really hurt and thinking you prefer your other sister over her.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/03/2017 15:18

Why I chose my DP sister’s - she has been more of a sister to me than any of my actual sisters. I love her

Yet you are having one of your sisters so you are saying you love one of your DSis and not your 18 yr old DSIs.

Sorry, nothing changes. All or nothing.

mummymeister · 06/03/2017 15:19

you either have to play fair or play favourites with these things. if you choose to play favourites, then there are always consequences.

stop for a minute. think how your youngest sister is going to feel on the day. everyone, yes everyone will either be asking her outright or thinking "why aren't you are bridesmaid when the other 1 is" in her shoes I wouldn't be going either.

I don't agree with her doing this all through your mum mind you, but this is not a small wedding is it.

if you had just had your best friend and no sisters then fair enough. but you haven't. when you made this decision could you not have empathised with your younger sister and also your mum who probably also feels a bit in the middle here with this?

you love your sister in law to be, but you don't love your youngest sister - hows this happy families on the day going to work out do you think then OP?

RortyCrankle · 06/03/2017 15:19

YABU - surely it's obvious that it should be all or none. Your response is dismissive of the majority on here, why ask if you don't want to listen to what people have to say. Complete waste of everyone's time.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/03/2017 15:20

I'm one of three and both my sisters partners have two sisters. If they chose one of each then they could stick their bloody wedding. It's basically saying she's not important enough whilst expecting your wedding to be important.

IJustGotHitByADeer · 06/03/2017 15:25

I can see both sides of this - I've had a wedding and I know how stressful it can be accommodating everyone's needs. But I've also been the relative who was made to feel left out of a family wedding (and I was a close relative to the wedding party too, to say how would out me) and I get how hurtful it can be.

I really hope you can come to a decision about this that makes everyone happy, I'm sure it's not easy for anyone involved Flowers

TealStar · 06/03/2017 15:25

Ouch

YABU

TENSHI · 06/03/2017 15:27

Yes, carry on just how you planned it op.

However, you sound horribly unempathetic and not a very nice person to be even considering that..

Doesn't your sister's feelings on the matter not move you one iota?

If I were her I'd not bother going to it at all.

If you didn't foresee this would cause a rift you must have the sensitivity of a rhino horn.

AYankinSpanx · 06/03/2017 15:30

Try to do the right thing OP. And not in a 'Oh ffs okay then' kind of way. Make her feel as though you want her there.

Otherwise, one day, when you're wiser and more compassionate, you might just regret damaging the relationship with your sister as you both get older.

For better or worse, things like this have a tendency to never go away.

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/03/2017 15:31

Another OP who posts in AIBU and then refuses to accept they are being so Hmm.

Your behaviour is reading as quite frankly immature. I'm not very close to my (unmarried) sister, but she still is my family. I'd be very hurt if she chose only one sister to be a bridesmaid and not me. I'd be hurt and angry if she then chose her future sil over me. Bar huge family drama, it's all or none in my view.

She's 18, how awful a younger sister must she have been to warrant almost spiteful behaviour against her? I'm sure she'll calm down though and show herself to be more mature by witenessing you join your new, preferred family. What a lovely bone for you to throw her.

Topseyt · 06/03/2017 15:31

My sister was my chief bridesmaid, but there are only two of us so no issues there. One of DH's young cousins was the other. I didn't have DH's sister. She is older than me and lives on the other side of the world anyway, so I didn't know until fairly near the time that she could definitely come.

If I had had several sisters though then they, my own sisters, would have been my bridesmaids.

I think you should have all of your own sisters, or no bridesmaids at all.

Craiconwithit · 06/03/2017 15:34

Looks like most of the respondents on this thread are Bridezilla types with fixed ideas about wedding etiquette and saying no to Grooms sister being a Bridesmaid.
Bollocks to that!
It's your wedding to organise exactly as you please.
I had a friend who's 18yr old SIL threw a strop about the bridesmaid dress and ended up not being a bridesmaid. Friend had to ask another friend to step in as a last minute substitute or waste the frock. The SIL is still a selfish madam to this day.
Younger sister may be used to getting her own way, but it's time for your DP's to step up and support you.
They need to point out to her that it's your wedding and your decision and for her to stop acting like a petulant child.
Otherwise, let her strop at home alone.

BirdInTheRoom · 06/03/2017 15:38

Craiconwithit I think it's more Bridezilla-like to do what you want and not consider others feelings?

picklemepopcorn · 06/03/2017 15:39

So you have left out the 18 year old sister because she is less important to you than your DPs sister, who is 'like a sister to you and you love her'.

Also, if you think about the wedding photos, bridesmaid is a huge and ongoing deal. There will be many many photos of you and your bridesmaids, not so many of anyone else. So your two sisters will be left out of quite a lot of photos the rest of the family is on.

It is of course your choice, and with three months to go you don't have much time if you want to make changes. I can understand your sister's upset though.