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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 17:05

The other 2 sisters have been given other jobs in the wedding. They have not been left out nor is the other one throwing a fit

I would wager a reasonable amount of hard earned cash that the third sister doesn't actually want to be a bridesmaid. It's more common than one would imagine. But we'll never know.

humourless · 06/03/2017 17:09

It's mean but I'm going to say it.... is your 18 year old sister prettier than you?

[whistles]

Ethylred · 06/03/2017 17:15

OP, you're jeopardising your relationship with at least one of your sisters, for no convincing reason.

sailorcherries · 06/03/2017 17:17

I would wager a reasonable amount of hard earned cash that the third sister doesn't actually want to be a bridesmaid. It's more common than one would imagine. But we'll never know.

Their wants aren't relevant. This is the OPs wedding and she wants those 3 people to be her BMs, she wants other family included in other ways.

This is about the younger sister spitting her dummy out the pram because she views one job and rubbish and one job as fun/glamourous etc. This isn't about the younger sister having a real reason to be a BM other than it being expected.

The fact that the younger sister has threatened not to attend unless she gets her way is ridiculous and proves that she values the role of BM over the actual wedding itself.

MrsPringles · 06/03/2017 17:18

I agree with the others, i think its a bit mean just picking one sister. I got married in December and had both of my sisters as bridesmaids. One of my sisters is getting married later this year and is also having both of us.

I would be upset if she just picked one of us

PugwallsSummer · 06/03/2017 17:22

YABU. How hurtful. That goes for the SIL you've excluded too.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/03/2017 17:25

When DB got married a few years ago, his DW didn't have any sisters so she chose me and her DB's GF as bridesmaids, plus her female cousin (only 1 female cousin), and her 2 best friends and had her 10 year old goddaughter as flower girl.

This was considered fair by all and is the fairest out there, choose all or none at all.

I feel really sorry for your Dsis. In fact the only thing I can possibly think of is you've fallen out, she's not close to you etc... But this will only make things worse. I'm fear she'll resent you for a while. It is quite a horrific snub too making her feel less valued than DP's Dsis who you obviously prefer.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 17:26

Their wants aren't relevant

Well the third sister's wants would be relevant to the wedding if she didn't want to be a bridesmaid. The OP can't make her.

The fact that the younger sister has threatened not to attend unless she gets her way is ridiculous and proves that she values the role of BM over the actual wedding itself

If you read the OP, that's not what has actually happened.
But one has to have some emotional intelligence and a knack for reading between the lines to understand it.

PNGirl · 06/03/2017 17:27

All day she will have nosey relatives point blank asking why she isn't a bridesmaid. What's she meant to say - OP only likes one sister? Poor girl.

PNGirl · 06/03/2017 17:30

Oh, I'm an only child and DH has one sister, no brothers, so I had my 2 best friends and my SIL. It's not unusual.

sailorcherries · 06/03/2017 17:31

If you read the OP, that's not what has actually happened.
But one has to have some emotional intelligence and a knack for reading between the lines to understand it.

But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore

I'm sorry that my intellect isn't quite up there with yours, however the OP stated that her sister has threatened not to come. She isn't going to come because she isn't a bridesmaid.

I wouldn't let anyone dictate who could and couldn't be a BM, just because they are younger and related. Being a blood relative does not guarantee these things, particularly when you aren't even close to the OP (by her own admission).

However, I'm obviously as emotionally challenged as the OP so I'm bowing out now.

budgiegirl · 06/03/2017 17:31

Unless there's a huge backstory that we don't know about, then YABveryU.
If my sister chose another relative over me to be her bridesmaid, I'd be terribly upset and hurt.

sailorcherries · 06/03/2017 17:32

And relatives won't nosey all day as she isn't the only sister who isn't a BM and has been given another, more important, role.

BirdInTheRoom · 06/03/2017 17:34

sailorcherries she's probably saying she doesn't want to go to the wedding because she feels like her sister doesn't care about her. And she would be right in thinking that going by the OP's posts.

PNGirl · 06/03/2017 17:35

Oh yes they will. The same sort who ask the unmarried women "When are you getting married then?" and the married ones "When are you starting a family then?" absolutely will. It's all the judgeypants traditionalists who come out at weddings!

Catlady1976 · 06/03/2017 17:36

This thread has made me question my own wedding. I have 4 sisters but I chose only one to be bridesmaid. I also heard SIL as I thought it was a kind thing to do. None of my sisters seemed upset but I guess I could have made a faux pas.

Letseatgrandma · 06/03/2017 17:36

I am totally with your sister here. I think it is really horrible to have one sister as a bridesmaid and not the other.

PNGirl · 06/03/2017 17:39

Plus, witness takes like 30 seconds. One of my bridesmaids and our best man did it because they were stood up there anyway.

Bellaposy · 06/03/2017 17:40

I have two younger sisters. One of whom I'm very close to (guardian for my daughter, see every few days etc). The other sister and I don't get along and weren't even on speaking terms for many years. I still would never have had one sister and not the other as a bridesmaid. I was like you in that bridesmaids weren't a big deal to us either but it would have been a big deal to exclude them.

I agree with PPs that your other sisters will undoubtedly have to answer time and time again as to why you didn't want them as bridesmaids.

I know it was well intentioned but the word 'cruel' has been mentioned a few times and I'm included to agree.

altiara · 06/03/2017 17:42

Sorry OP, I think YABU too.
You can't call it a small bridal party- 3 adult BMs is a lot!
If you think you're offering her a good role in the reading or being a witness, then think again as you clearly didn't give everyone the same options, she's seeing you cherry pick your favourites to be BMs and give the leftovers to her. Now it's not unreasonable to choose your own BMs BUT why then make out in your post you were being all fair about it. (Not saying that the other roles aren't good, just you're behaviour is backing that up)
I'm surprised you can't empathise with your little sister on how choosing one sister and your DFs sister is a slap in the face.
And if you still think your bridal party is small, get her a BM dress and be done with it.
If I was an 18 yr old, I'd feel hurt that you're even choosing sister in laws over me and I'd consider not going to the wedding because of that feeling.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/03/2017 17:43

This isn't about the younger sister having a real reason to be a BM other than it being expected

Other than one sister has been 'chosen' and one SIL, I can imagine it is extremely hurtful at 18 to be excluded.

BirdInTheRoom · 06/03/2017 17:45

I don't think it is just about putting on a dress and walking down the aisle with the bride. Every wedding I've been to the bridesmaids tend to get ready with the bride, arrive with the bride etc - it makes for a really fun and special time for those that are part of the wedding party. They are also in lots of the photos - before, during and after the wedding.

Your other sisters will be basically be just like all the other guests - it's a bit rubbish & hurtful actually.

shockthemonkey · 06/03/2017 17:46

Having more bridesmaids at your wedding won't actually make your wedding any larger though (assuming that all the sisters would be invited), it just means they wear different dresses and stand in a different place during the ceremony.

Definitely strange to pick just one sister.

I stuck with close friends as I have too many sisters and they lived too far away to have been able to be involved in any way in the run-up to the wedding.

BretonRose · 06/03/2017 17:49

Yeah, sailorcherries, some of the language you've used to describe other people having feelings e.g. "spitting her dummy out the pram", "I wouldn't let anyone dictate" does indicate that you're a bit emotionally challenged.

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/03/2017 17:49

And relatives won't nosey all day as she isn't the only sister who isn't a BM and has been given another, more important, role.

Oh please, an 18 year old girl mostly likely wants to be in the nicer dresses, all made up next to her sister, in the special photos of the bride and her maids. I doubt 'witness' means much to a younger person. It's not really something you accept with glee in you voice, or brag to your friends about 'oh my sister asked me to be a witness to her wedding, a job almost anyone could do!'. The younger sister was obviously hoping to be in the 'inner circle' of the wedding, and the op has made it perfectly obvious she doesn't consider her part of that. It will be more obvious leading up to and on the day.