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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
marlene4boycie · 06/03/2017 14:10

Another YABU. My sister did this to me, and it really really hurt. And I was in my 30s! It still stings because on the day, it was obvious that her best friend meant more to her than I did - even though I thought we were close. I didn't say a thing, and smiled graciously before, during, and after the wedding. But I'll never forget it.

Rubies12345 · 06/03/2017 14:12

Plus, I always thought that if there was no male representative of the Groom's family, then it was the done thing to have one of his sisters as a BM

?? Most people would have all or none. This is the first time I've heard of bridal parties being representatives of a group. Should she have one cousin to represent the cousins?

LePetitPont · 06/03/2017 14:17

Hmm, I can see you've tried to be fair and involve DH'a family by including sisters from both sides - but at the detriment of your younger sister's feeling.

I agree with the all or nothing views. Is it too late just to have your best friend and give the sisters other roles? Or at least add your younger sister to the bridal party?

Manupprincess · 06/03/2017 14:19

My Sil asked me to be a bridesmaid and I thought it was very sweet of her. She only had one sister but 6 bridesmaids so hadn't left anyone out.
I get where you were coming from OP but your sister is feeling left out. To maintain the peace you need to either invite her to join as a bridesmaid or ask all sisters to step down.

lljkk · 06/03/2017 14:20

Why on earth not just have all sisters?

Am I the only one who read the bits of thread where OP says she & her DH have 5 sisters, plus at least 1 SIL, and they are trying to keep the wedding relatively small & simple.

Underthemoonlight · 06/03/2017 14:21

I don't have sisters but if I had they would have been first choice. Instead I had my two friends and asked both sils even though I'm
Not close to one I still asked her in the end she didn't because she's a tom boy but I would never have asked one without the other. I had my two dbs as ushers so I don't think it's necessarily the bride picks her BMs and groom picks the groomsman but I thinking excluding siblings is grossly unfair.

I attended my db wedding and everyone of my family and sils family sat up on the top table expect me. They had no BMs only her step sister as a flower girl and DS as a pageboy, they could have had me as I was the only sister and sils brother was an usher my eldest db was best man, it wasn't very nice feeling and people were surprised my db had a sister. So it was abit awkward.

Lucky I wasn't asked because I was heavily pregnant at the time.

BirdInTheRoom · 06/03/2017 14:25

lljkk I meant all her own sisters, and give other important jobs to DP's sisters. Then she would only have 4 BMs instead of 3. The way the OP has done it is pick favourites on both sides, leaving others out - that is bound to cause resentment and upset.

WatchingIZombie · 06/03/2017 14:25

Your reply was so rude OP. You asked for opinions, people have kindly given them and instead of thanking people for taking the time out to reply you've just been a bitch towards everyone who doesn't agree with you. Vile attitude.

DistanceCall · 06/03/2017 14:25

wow. I certainly lit the matches on this one. But hey ho. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

So why on earth did you post an AIBU when you have already made your mind???

AYankinSpanx · 06/03/2017 14:27

Well since the OP doesn't particularly care about her own sister's feelings, I doubt she's going to give two hoots about the comments here despite asking for them.

Crack on then OP. Although I'd probably skip your wedding too. Your sister is not BU.

user1483387154 · 06/03/2017 14:28

Obviously it's your wedding and your choice. However I can completely understand your sister being upset as you have effectively chosen one sister as being more important to you.
I do think she is over reacting at refusing to come to your wedding at all now.

8misskitty8 · 06/03/2017 14:29

People are being very harsh on the op.
OP has 3 sisters and she has chosen 1 to be a bridesmaid. No difference to the groom having 3 brothers and choosing 1 to be his best man. Should he have 3 best men or is it just because it's females in the op's situation that it has caused cries of yanbu ?
Being a sister does not automatically mean she should be bridesmaid nor does being a brother mean automatic best man.
Op has not left out her sister she has said she has roles for all siblings on both sides.
At the end of the day it's up to op and her husband to be to decide what they want for their wedding.

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/03/2017 14:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GlassSeahorse · 06/03/2017 14:33

I have female cousins who I had always thought would be my bridesmaids. What I didn't anticipate however was that I'd marry a man with a shed load of female relatives who DH expected me to include as bridesmaids at our wedding.

Because I really couldn't pick some and not others I would have ended up with nine bridesmaids. So I didn't ask any of them and just had my best friend instead.

My sympathies lie with your sister OP.

Original poster
BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 14:34

To all of you asking Why I chose my DP sister’s - she has been more of a sister to me than any of my actual sisters. I love her

OP posts:
Rubies12345 · 06/03/2017 14:36

No difference to the groom having 3 brothers and choosing 1 to be his best man

It is different. It would be comparable to having 3 bros and only asking one to be a groomsman.

Best man = Chief bridesmaid

HemlockStarglimmer · 06/03/2017 14:36

Our wedding was small and low key and I still had five bridesmaids Grin

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 06/03/2017 14:38

It makes no sense at all to leave her out. Small or not, it's a snub.

Bride's maid - the clue is in the name. You choose them and either they are friends or family, or a mix. To choose one sister when you have three is mean, to choose your husband to he's sister is worse!

It's not a big deal to you - so revise your plans and change your mind. Say you've thought about it and she's right, so you want all your sisters as BM. At least then she won't feel she was only asked out of pity or duress (even if you feel that way).

Please take this on board OP - you asked if you were being unreasonable and the majority of posters think yes. Don't discount that because it's 'opinion'. You wouldn't have asked if you weren't having doubts.

And congratulations Smile

confusedat23 · 06/03/2017 14:46

I think your problem OP is what you just said

To all of you asking Why I chose my DP sister’s - she has been more of a sister to me than any of my actual sisters. I love her

How very rude and immature of you! You cannot pick your family OP I am one of 3 girl siblings and yes we fight and bicker and argue constantly even at the ages of 26 down to 19 but we are still SISTERS and forever will be.

I feel really sorry for your little sister, mine was 18 when I got married and I have never seen her so excited, she even made my 5 tier wedding cake! My older sister who is very high maintenance was in her Bridemaid dress sticking love hearts onto the cake on the wedding morning! Those are the sort of memories you are missing out on by excluding your 2 sisters from the wedding party.

Brollsdolls · 06/03/2017 14:47

I guess it really depends on your relationship with your sisters - do you only get on with one or are you all close?

My friend only had one of her sisters as bridesmaid as she hardly speaks to the other sister and they have never got on.

I think you need to explain the situation more

confusedat23 · 06/03/2017 14:47

Also it is very different from the best man. For exampple out of my 2 sisters I needed a maid of honour (same as best man) and so as I did not want the 2 of them to argue about it I picked my best friend to be my maid of honour.

HilairHilair · 06/03/2017 14:54

I have 4 sisters. If we've had bridesmaids (2 of my sisters didn't have any) we've all been each other's bridesmaids at our respective weddings. If I'd been left out while another sister was bridesmaid, I'd have been very hurt too.

It's not just the walking down the aisle - it's the photos of the bridal party, where you're seated, all sorts of things.

At least have her do a reading.

DildoGaggins · 06/03/2017 14:54

To all of you asking Why I chose my DP sister’s - she has been more of a sister to me than any of my actual sisters. I love her

So you are playing favourites by picking your sil and not your two other sisters? I can see why your sister is upset tbh

mumwithovertime · 06/03/2017 14:55

So ..... I've read all of this and as a mum of 4 daughters and one son ( boy girl twins ) I would be sad if one of them got married and all sisters weren't asked to be bridesmaids , only reason I could see would be my son marries someone with loads of sisters !
Indeed , when my own brother married ( now divorced ) his bride to be who had no sisters chose a friend (who was older than me and my sister ) and her daughters to be bridesmaids over my brothers nieces.
Thing is , how much would it cost to have all sisters from both sides ?
When I got married ( 25 years ago ) I had my sister and my husbands nieces , family first , my sister, his sisters children and his brothers daughter , made 4 bridesmaids so my best friend came as a guest !

humourless · 06/03/2017 14:56

They're your bridesmaids and you've chosen not to have your 18 year old sister?

Wow.