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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding / family drama - sister refusing to attend

336 replies

BethanyCourt · 06/03/2017 12:24

I think I’ve handled this in a reasonable way, I just need another perspective.

My wedding is in three months’ time. I am having a small bridal party of three (my middle sister, my best friend and one of my DP’s sisters) We haven’t used all of our combined siblings for the bridal party, but have involved them in other ways: readings, witnesses ect. So everyone has a part, and they all seemed happy with this decision. That was until I get told by mother that my youngest sister has called her in floods of tears because she’s not a bridesmaid.

When we initially spoke to her she seemed alright with the decision. We said we would like for her to be involved, but weren’t sure how comfortable she would be with the option of doing a reading in front of people, so said she had the option of being a witness as well. We’ve left the choice completely up to her. We parted the conversation, everything seemed fine.
But now, it has got to the point where she has said she isn’t even going to come to the wedding anymore. She couldn’t believe I didn’t make her a bridesmaid, even though she was the ‘closest’ (notice how I use inverted commas there!) sister and believed that she deserved to be head bridesmaid! (there isn’t going to be one)

I think it’s just her immaturity rearing it’s head (she's’ 18) and she’s going through the stroppy teenage phase. But it just sucks and has put me in a horrible, stressful situation.

I think I need to take her out to lunch once everything has cooled off, and discuss this calmly

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/03/2017 20:00

and making a drama about her and ruining your wedding

Just because it's OPs wedding doesn't mean they get to trample over others feelings.

RaeSkywalker · 06/03/2017 20:03

I would've done all or none.

When I was 16, my cousin got married, and had another 2 cousins as bridesmaids, but not me. I felt really embarrassed on the day that I was left out (yes, I did put a brave face on and attended the wedding). I was already quite an insecure teen, and it did make me very sad. If I'm honest, I still feel awkward about it now!

When I got married, I had my best friend and nobody else. I explicitly wanted no family bridesmaids because all of my cousins have little girls now, and I would've ended up with 10 bridesmaids if I had them all- and no way was I going to choose a favourite.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 06/03/2017 20:04

YABU. And deliberately not bothering to give any more information. I can't believe you were obtuse to the point you thought a sister doing a reading would make up for the fact she wasn't chosen as a bridesmaid but one of her sisters was, a friend was and a fiance's sister was. I'd be pissed off at being left out with those circumstances too and a reading or being a witness wouldn't make up for that.

How did you chose which of your 3 sisters got to be bridesmaid?

My MIL moaned that we chose my 2 sisters as BM but didn't have SIL. I got DH to point out that the bride chooses the bridesmaids and the fiancé's family didn't come into that, she also moaned that we didn't have DH's cousins. I would never have chosen DH' family over mine.

mainlywingingit · 06/03/2017 20:07

I'd be offended. I can see your sisters point of view.

hels71 · 06/03/2017 20:09

When I got married I had both my sisters as bridesmaids. When my youngest sister got married she only asked my other sister to be a bridesmaid as I did not match the others because I am short and I was too old. I was given another part in the ceremony, but I felt very hurt by her choice. (I did still go however)

TheMysteriousJackelope · 06/03/2017 20:10

Whatever the rights are of how the OP chose her bridesmaids, anyone who says 'Do it my way or I won't be going to the wedding' would be getting an 'Oh that's a shame, we were hoping you would be there' from me. I really dislike ultimatums, and the fact that the sister is handling the situation in this way may explain why the OP didn't want her as a bridesmaid - 'We go here for the hen do or I'm not coming', 'I want my make up this way or I won't be going up the aisle' etc. Nightmare.

Goondoit · 06/03/2017 20:15

Op yabu but you clearly don't give a monkeys because you will do what you want anyway and probably wanted validation from this thread that your sis is soooo dramatic and immature
Yes it's your day and yeah do what you like but tbh in the interest in family harmony is it not better to consider other people's feelings. Your poor little sis probably feels rejected and you say you don't have a brilliant relationship anyway well this will probably drive you all even further away.

MamaHanji · 06/03/2017 20:32

I'm with your sister on this completely.
And calling her age (18 is an adult. 13 is a stroppy teenager) and saying she's immature. I wouldn't come to your wedding either.

EC22 · 06/03/2017 20:49

I feel sorry for your little sister.
Her reaction is justified, your response condescending. She's hurt and rightly so.

PunjanaTea · 06/03/2017 20:56

I've been to loads of weddings where the grooms sister was a bridesmaid and/ or the brides brothers were in ushers. It's really not as unusual as people are making out.

scaryteacher · 06/03/2017 21:03

It's really odd that you guys decided to have his sister as your bm. Brides maids aren't supposed to have anything to do with your dp Really? I was a matron of honour at my db's wedding, my sils sister was a bridesmaid, and a friend was the other matron of honour.

I was a bridesmaid at a second cousins wedding where he was the groom and I had never met the bride.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 06/03/2017 21:17

That was such a crap idea. Half your guests will assume you and 2 of your sisters have fallen out, or that you were being spiteful, because only picking 1 sister looks so weird. I have 2 sisters; none of us had each other as BMs and were all happy, but doing this would have fucked our dynamic for years.

Add in a few drinks and folk will start asking your sisters why you didn't want them etc. As your little sister has probably already envisaged.

I think you sound like a dick, and I also think that doing this will make you look one.

Mum2jenny · 06/03/2017 21:20

Given I didn't get an invite to my dsis's wedding, I can't see the issue OP.

YANBU to have the people that are your best friends as bridesmaids. Family are family and you either gel with them or you don't.

CosyCoupe88 · 06/03/2017 22:18

Yabu

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 22:22

**

You'll be waiting a long time. You did the right thing.

allthecheese · 06/03/2017 22:23

YABU - and unecessarily mean.

dowhatnow · 06/03/2017 22:39

Id feel terribly hurt and unloved if other sisters were chosen and not me. The sil is just rubbing salt into the wound.

YorkieDorkie · 06/03/2017 22:58

Wow. Just wow.

YABVU.

I would feel so hurt if I were your younger sister. You have handled this really badly. Typical bridezilla. My wedding my rules, screw anyone else and their feelings. Enjoy your day.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 22:59

'I want my make up this way or I won't be going up the aisle' etc.

That's ridiculous. It's not about a diva tantrum. It's about an 18 year old wanting to be a bridesmaid for her older sister and being dissed. It's very hurtful. I don't understand how there are people who can't see this! Even if you have a dysfunctional family and sisters who don't get on, it's a real social and personal kick in the teeth for the little sister. I would never want to hurt somebody in this way, and I can't see why the little sister is being viewed as having tantrums or over reacting, or being precious or entitled.
It's your fucking sister! You've hurt her feelings! Why would you want to do that!? She'll your sister long after your husband might cease to be your husband! (According to statistics, you have less than a 50/50 chance of your husband continuing to be your husband beyond 6 years)
And even if you stay married till the day you die, you might one day cherish the thought of your little sister being arsed to come and visit you, when you need some help or support or even just 'being there'

What is wrong with you people!!??
(Obvs not you people who understand my point - even if you don't 'entirely' agree)
But I despair for the rest who are on the cusp of doing some irreparable damage to family relationships, 'It's my wedding, I'll do things exactly how I like and fuck it if somebody gets hurt' and proceeding to ride rough-shod over everybody else's feelings.

I feel so sorry for this little sister.
I actually feel a lot more sorry for the OP.
And even more sorry for the husband to be.
In a couple of years she'll have scant consideration for any of his
finer feelings either.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 23:02

I was a bridesmaid at a second cousins wedding where he was the groom and I had never met the bride

It happens, obviously. But it is a very unusual scenario. No?
Had the bride had sisters, I'm pretty sure they would have been invited at the very least?

Honeybee79 · 06/03/2017 23:02

Hmm. She's only 18 and it must feel hurtful. All of the sisters or none of them would be preferable.

Dormouse200 · 06/03/2017 23:02

At the end of this thread all I can think is thank goodness I don't have sisters and my husband's family isn't close! How the hell does anyone get anything done when they worry so much about what they should do?

The op clearly considered who they wanted to be involved in the wedding and split roles between the people, it's ridiculous to have six bridesmaids and she has already said that all her sisters would be there getting ready and none would be top table... the 18yo is clearly a drama llama - and yes i've had similar situations with friends - I did a bible reading rather than be a bridesmaid - it was an honour.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 06/03/2017 23:09

I was a matron of honour at my db's wedding, my sils sister was a bridesmaid, and a friend was the other matron of honour

And there is nothing at all wrong or culturally unusual about that.
But for the bride's 'actual' younger sister to be overlooked in favour of her husband's sister and random friends, particularly when the younger sister really 'wants' to be a bridesmaid is a bit of a kick in the teeth for her.
I don't know why this point is being continually ignored.

emmyrose2000 · 07/03/2017 00:48

Of course YABU.

You should've had all your sisters, or none. What you've done is very nasty and cruel. Offering the deliberately left out sister a job as a witness or reader is just plain insulting. It's saying that she's not good enough for a main role, but here're a few crumbs that no one is even going to pay attention to within five seconds of doing it.

From your very few posts in this thread, you don't sound like a very nice or empathetic person.

I didn't attend my sister's wedding due to a bridesmaid issue. I don't regret making that decision and it took many years for my sister to repair the damage she did. Be prepared for the sister you don't care about to make the same decision.

emmyrose2000 · 07/03/2017 00:52

She can always do what my cousin did, attend the wedding dressed as a bridesmaid anyway

That sounds like an interesting story..... :)

As a general comment re. having future sisters-in-law as BMs - why not? If the bride wants to do that, there's no harm, so long as it's not a case of the future in-laws demanding it. If the bride wants to do it of her own free will, then it's a lovely gesture. Just don't deliberately exclude one your own sisters to do it, as OP has done.