Neighbours shagging in their hot tub at 5am this morning

[SmallVera]

And the bastards regularly have loud parties in that festering chlamydia soup with their mates until the early hours at least twice a week.

They're keeping me awake and waking up the DC and I'm fed up with it.

They are really brash and vulgar and alas I am an anxious type and not brave enough to confront them.

But what can I do?!

I would contact the landlord, but instead of an 'Im so furious that these people are disturbing me' stance I think I'd go for grave concern over what might be going on behind the scenes if these people are so casual about what they do in full public view.

The landlord probably wont be overly concerned about your quality of life but I'd imagine his/her face would turn a whiter shade of ashen at the thought of his investment becoming a den of criminality and depravity

This thread has all the makings of a classic.

If my neighbours were to shag noisily in the garden, my dog would bark her little head off. I could lend her to you if you like, it might put them off their stroke.

I definitely wouldn't speak to them directly. It would put you in the frame if the police or council ever got involved.

The police should surely take some action though. It can't be legal to have sex where children can see, ffs.

Medea

I totally agree. I love him, the gap toothed fool. It was the word jaunty.

raised an intelligence report and will investigate further made me think they would be round dressed like this

You appear to have a large mole on the underside of your left bollock and another on your perineum. Please get these checked out, skin cancer can kill

Genius!

Just hope they get this... www.dermnetnz.org/topics/spa-pool-folliculitis/

Your letter could be along the lines of,

'As a sexual health nurse, I've seen a fair few scrotum's waving in the wind, but none have concerned me as much as yours have. I would suggest you get those wart like lumps checked out, it's well known that it causes anal cancer. Have you considered what life would be like without your arse?'

I need to know if you get an apology.,,,

Jaunty had me rolling OP. I'm sorry, I know it is not funny in the least but you do have a way with words.

Can you surreptitiously dump a vat of fairy liquid in the tub when they are out. Next time they turn the bubble jets on...

Someone used to do that in our local water fountain. It was an amazing sight.

I used to get cars parking outside the house late at night. Driver and front passenger seats occupied, little flashes of silver passed from one to the other... seemed to be a local drug dealer doing his stuff. I stopped it by setting off camera flashes, pretending to take photos. They didn't like that at all, so it probably was drugs.

So ... beg or borrow a flashgun or proper camera with built in flash, and pretend to take a few photos. Of course they may be exhibitionists and demand copy pics, but my guess is that they will be abashed.

Chlamydia soup. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..

I would be moving house if I were you OP!

I'm in the SW OP and an excellent shot with an air rifle. Do you need a hand?!

Have you considered what life would be like without your arse?'

One of the very few lines that made me genuinely laugh out loud.

Report them. You have every right to a quiet night's sleep.

We have 6 living next door who wake us up openly fucking each other in the street every night.

Then there's the screaming and fighting each other.

Then they shit all over our gravel drive, lawn and flower beds.

BUT they are cats and there is (As yet) not a flaming thing we can do about it.

If they were human (or even a dog) I would waste no time getting the council or the police round.

Contact the police - it's indecent exposure.

Right down to the swinging bollocks

Film it and stick it on red Tube?

Am I the only person who was faintly impressed that anyone could be up (in all senses of the word) at 5.00am on a Monday morning?

Do we presume they hadn't been to bed at all?

But yep, it sounds revolting.

It was 5am I am sure they didn't expect you to be peering out of the upstairs windows at them at that time.

It was 5am I am sure they didn't expect you to be peering out of the upstairs windows at them at that time.

Is that you, jaunty shagger?

I fucking hate hot tubs. Every time the wankers on Grand Designs ruin their lovely, carefully crafted property with a shitty fucking outdoor spunk bath I'm overcome with rage.

Legionnaires. Skin diseases. Big Brother. Swinging. Brothels.

Those are what suburban hot tubs make me think of. Not glamour and ritzy nights in with champagne and coke and beautiful people. The milkmans saggy bollocks, second hand psoriasis flakes and death by cruise ship disease.

I feel for you OP

This is why I love MN!
I read the title out to DH and said I hope they at least changed the water afterwards and then read your op

"And the bastards regularly have loud parties in that festering chlamydia soup with their mates until the early hours at least twice a week." That is seriously minging but I did laugh heartily especially at Right down to the swinging bollocks 😂

It was 5am I am sure they didn't expect you to be peering out of the upstairs windows at them at that time.

1. I'm regularly up at 5am with my 8yo DS who doesn't know what a lie-in is.

1. If they don't expect neighbours to peer out the window to check the foxes aren't murdering each other just to find the foxes are actually the coked up neighbours, having sex loudly. Maybe they could move their Chlamydia soup swim inside.

An 8yo? What the heck do you get up as well for? Teach the boy to make his own breakfast and put cartoons on for goodness sake, Pixie.