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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from the school

179 replies

TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 10:23

DS1 is in Y3, one of his friends' parents work full time and the eldest DC (age 12) looks after the other 2 after school each day (ages 8 and 10). The 8 and 10 year old usually cycle home together, its about a mile.

On Friday we were leaving school and I saw the 8yo cycling up the path on his own. I asked who he was with and he explained that his 10yo sibling had already gone home as his club had been cancelled. He then said that the school had phoned his DM and she told them he could cycle home alone. I phoned and confirmed this with the school.

I just couldn't let him go on his own so we walked him home. Aside from the fact I can't believe his parents are happy with this arrangement I am really surprised the school agreed it was OK for an 8yo (who was 8 in the last few weeks) cycle home alone.

AIBU to expect the school to not blindly agree with the parents? Shouldn't this be a safeguarding issue?

Please feel free to tell me if I'm way off the mark. Thanks

OP posts:
Alaia5 · 06/03/2017 13:12

I have no idea as to whether this is actually the legal perspective. DH said he looked into it though Confused. Apparently it's legal to leave an 11-12 year old home alone, but not to leave them in charge of younger children.
Again, don't flame me on this, but this is the position we've generally taken. I don't know what others think?

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 13:17

Apparently it's legal to leave an 11-12 year old home alone, but not to leave them in charge of younger children.

There's no legal age to leave children at home, either alone or with a sibling.

The responsibility lies with the parent to make the decision. An arbitrary age would lead to a false sense of security - my twin girls are 13 and are very, very different. One was the first to react when a child was knocked down outside her Guide hall - she took charge and was the one barking orders at the two adults who were completely flapping. The other will be lucky if she gets to go into the next town alone by the time she is married... It's all about a judgement call and that judgement can only be made by the people who know the child best - the parent(s).

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2017 13:18

Your DH is wrong Alaia

katronfon · 06/03/2017 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 13:20

I would like to add that this probably does stem from my disagreeing with another of their parenting decisions. The DPs both work full time and get home around 6pm each night and the 12yo makes dinner and looks after the other 2 until then. I haven't done anything about this nor do I intend to interfere but perhaps my concern over this did influence my actions last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 13:22

And I'm not trying to judge or badmouth their parenting. That's why I am asking on an anonymous forum - I really did just want to hear other peoples opinions.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/03/2017 13:23

So you are judging them.

That's your choice, but you're still out of order to make the child feel uncomfortable (which you undoubtedly did), by spelling it out to him that your deem his parent's choices wrong, and yours right.

Original poster
TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 13:25

Worra I don't disagree with you, thanks for making me see from another perspective.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/03/2017 13:25

Christ, you're swinging from one side to another here.

You've already said upthread, I'm sorry but who cares if I judged their parenting? Surely the boys safety was the priority?

Now you're pretending you're trying not to judge it.

CountClueless · 06/03/2017 13:26

I'm not judging their parenting I'm just completely disagreeing with it, saying they are wrong to do what they do, and saying so to the world.
How is that different from judging exactly?

katronfon · 06/03/2017 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 13:31

I mean I am not judging them to their face (I'd happily have this discussion with them but I don't want to do that uninformed) because my intention was not to make them feel bad or as if I don't accept their authority as his parents, although I accept it may have been taken this way. I just wanted to ask on here whether it was normal for an 8 year old to cycle home. I know I asked this after the school and parents had said it was OK but I was on the spot and just wasn't sure.

What is MN for if not for this?

OP posts:
CountClueless · 06/03/2017 13:32

or as if I don't accept their authority as his parents

But you didn't accept their authority as parents, did you?

You say one thing, but you do another.

katronfon · 06/03/2017 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 13:36

Has it occurred to you at all that very few people would actively choose to leave their 12 yo to look after their younger two each night after school? Sometimes circumstances dictate... They've made their choice for the benefit of their family.

@katronfon You'd possibly hate my house - Monday is my favourite night of the week because the 17yo makes the dinner and one of the 13yo's collects the 8yo from after school club. With the other 13yo being the best friend of the 3yo it generally means a night of very little work for me. Wednesday isn't such a good day as its the turn of the 13yos to cook - the actual cooking skills are good, but the flavour combining needs a bit of work sometimes.

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 13:37

as if I don't accept their authority as his parents

You didn't accept their authority though. After having it confirmed by the school what they'd decided you still decided you knew better what their child needed.

NavyandWhite · 06/03/2017 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustSpeakSense · 06/03/2017 13:39

As soon as you realised school and parents had given him permission to cycle home on his own you should have backed off, you way overstepped the mark.

Alaia5 · 06/03/2017 13:40

Do 8 year olds cycle on the road or the pavement in these situations?

We were once driving through a village and a child of about 10 was cycling down the edge of the pavement. His wheel slipped off and he fell into the road. It was not a busy road, but still. It happened so quickly.

In My DC's prep they do cycling proficiency in Year 6. None of them have any experience of being alone on bikes before this.

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 06/03/2017 13:41

I think you misguidedly put that little boy in a really awkward position.

AlmaMartyr · 06/03/2017 13:42

Wildpoppiesanddaisies - yes, my daughter (8) would have been very uncomfortable with it.

sebbyandco · 06/03/2017 13:42

Agree you don't like the way they parent and you took the opportunity to make it very clear to them and the boy!

My 11 year old cooks the evening meal and watches her two siblings at the same time. One of which is 2 years old. You may not think it's ok but you don't know my kids. We are very much a everyone mucks in family.

katronfon · 06/03/2017 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Talkietalk · 06/03/2017 13:58

it was nice of you to walk him home but ultimately its not for you to criticise his parents

Lochan · 06/03/2017 14:04

Alaia I assume that you live in a big city somewhere (London?). I'm astounded that you think that the police picking up a bike riding 8 yo would be normal in every area of the country!

I live in a very small town. A very "naice" area (as MN would say). Children here leave school unaccompanied from 6yo. The school don't check whether they are accompanied or not going home.

Plenty of 8yos walk/ride home alone. It might be a bit young (IMO) but it's not unusual.

An 8yo playing out alone wouldn't be remarked about at all. My kids played out from 5yo (within boundaries).

And in answer to your cycling proficiency question - they ride on the road - their parents teach them.

Terry I can see that you were trying to do the right thing. My concern is that you overrode the child's instructions from school/Mum.

You presumably made him wait while you called the school and then slowed down his riding speed.

Regardless of your good intentions and the fact that you know the boy a bit, if you had done that to my children they would have been deeply uncomfortable.

Similar to a pp our rule is that I will never send anyone (except DH or GPs) to collect the DC without telling them. They are expressly not to go anywhere with anyone else without speaking to me.

My DC would have been upset because they wouldn't have wanted to be rude by riding away from you but they would also be aware that they weren't following my rules by waiting.

You effectively taught that boy that an adult has the power to override his previous instructions just because they are an adult.

That, IMO, is a dangerous precedent to set.