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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more from the school

179 replies

TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 10:23

DS1 is in Y3, one of his friends' parents work full time and the eldest DC (age 12) looks after the other 2 after school each day (ages 8 and 10). The 8 and 10 year old usually cycle home together, its about a mile.

On Friday we were leaving school and I saw the 8yo cycling up the path on his own. I asked who he was with and he explained that his 10yo sibling had already gone home as his club had been cancelled. He then said that the school had phoned his DM and she told them he could cycle home alone. I phoned and confirmed this with the school.

I just couldn't let him go on his own so we walked him home. Aside from the fact I can't believe his parents are happy with this arrangement I am really surprised the school agreed it was OK for an 8yo (who was 8 in the last few weeks) cycle home alone.

AIBU to expect the school to not blindly agree with the parents? Shouldn't this be a safeguarding issue?

Please feel free to tell me if I'm way off the mark. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 12:34

I'm sorry but who cares if I judged their parenting? Surely the boys safety was the priority? I don't for one moment assume the parents wouldn't have preferred to be able to pick him up, or for someone to go with him but this was a situation that cropped up (it was not pre-arranged that he'd go home on his own, only a cancelled after school activity caused it) I was worried about him and did what I thought was best (making sure he got home safely).

I'm happy to back off in the future but I won't stand by in a situation I am unsure about and not do what I think is safest for a child. A child who might have cycled home before and might be perfectly safe doing so but what if something had happened. Could I then just say his parents said it was ok??

OP posts:

schoolwoestoday · 06/03/2017 12:35

I would have been crosser at dd for going home with another adult than i would have been them cycling home alone!
I have told my dc not to go off with people unless arranged by me.I know you did actually take them home but still...

I know you say the child has been on a play date but don't say that you and the parents are close friends.

I think it is fine to check a childs safety but not fine to over rule them!

CountClueless · 06/03/2017 12:37

I only worried that I wouldn't be able to check if he had got home and if anything had happened I couldn't have lived with that. His safety is more important to me than looking like a busybody or upsetting his parents

You aren't able to check if anyone gets home every other day of the year, and you can live quite comfortably. His safety was nothing to do with you. You put your needs to feel better about the situation above everyone elses needs. For all you know his brothers were worried sick that he was late, calling parents, going out to look for him, all because you wanted to feel good about something that was none of your business.

Original poster

TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 12:37

Not the same as knowing that the child is happy with the arrangement, the parents are happy with the arrangement, and the school is happy with the arrangement...and deciding that you are not happy because clearly the school and the parents are wrong, and instigating a different arrangement that overrides those who do have the right to make the decision. Not the same at all.

This is a very valid point and one which I will be taking from this thread. Thanks katronfon

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 12:38

Surely the boys safety was the priority?

The boys safety wasn't in question by anyone except you. Once it had been established that his DM and the school were happy by his method of getting home you should have backed off. Your decision had nothing to do with his safety and everything to do with your own judgemental self.

CountClueless · 06/03/2017 12:38

I won't stand by in a situation I am unsure about and not do what I think is safest for a child

so no matter what any other kids parents decide to do, you are going to go around vigilante style and overrule them?
You're going to fine yourself in trouble.

halcyondays · 06/03/2017 12:39

If something had happened to him on the way home it wouldn't be down to you. It was his parents decision to let him cycle home alone, which the school agreed with.

Original poster

TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 12:39

I hadn't looked at it like that CountClueless and you have a good point. We didn't make him that late though, he still cycled and we walked really fast to keep up!

OP posts:

Original poster

TerrysNo3 · 06/03/2017 12:42

I really appreciate the replies. I was there last week 30 minutes after school finished with my 3DC and I was just unsure as this was totally new territory for me (seeing an 8yo going home alone). I didn't have his parents numbers and he had told me there was a mix up about going home and he had done this once before on his own. I was not trying to be interfering, I was not trying to be judgemental. I just did what I thought was right at that moment.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2017 12:48

Unless you actually ran alongside the bike, of course you slowed him down.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/03/2017 12:49

You really aren't getting it are you?

I had not looked at it as overriding their parenting decisions, more that I was there and was watching him go home. I only worried that I wouldn't be able to check if he had got home and if anything had happened I couldn't have lived with that. His safety is more important to me than looking like a busybody or upsetting his parents

It was not your decision to make.

No one asked you to check he got home ok.

You have nothing 'to live with'. His parents knew what he was doing & were happy with it. His parents.

Your busybody tendencies do not give you the authority to ride roughshot over his parents decisions.

I am definitely t

My DC in his class is my eldest and whilst I would never let him walk home alone, although I know he would be more than capable

Why not?

I appreciate that everyone parents differently!.

Well, clearly you do not! Otherwise you'd have left him to get on with cycling home as his parents had given him permission to.

I'm sorry but who cares if I judged their parenting?

Surely the boys safety was the priority?

Yes and his parents had deemed this safe.

*I don't for one moment assume the parents wouldn't have preferred to be able to pick him up, or for someone to go with him but this was a situation that cropped up (it was not pre-arranged that he'd go home on his own, only a cancelled after school activity caused it)

You're a mind reader too now?

I was worried about him and did what I thought was best (making sure he got home safely)

You did what you thought was best. It Was Not Your Decision. His parents had already decided 'what was best'.

YES. Yes, because his parents get to make those decisions about their child NOT YOU.

ARGHHHHH

CountClueless · 06/03/2017 12:50

Yes, you must have slowed him down. And essentially what you did was chase a child home!

Alaia5 · 06/03/2017 12:50

OP you made an on-the-spot decision and it's always better to be safe than sorry.

We are in London and if I let my DD of a similar age go careering off on a bike, I would fully expect her to be brought back by the police (and SS would probably become involved.). It's unheard of and I can't imagine things are that different in other urban areas.

Even in remote areas, it only takes one car or one stranger. I don't think I would feel any more reassured if we lived in the country tbh.

anxious2017 · 06/03/2017 12:51

You phoned the school?! Then as an adult, accompanied a stranger's child home. Wow, just wow. You are incredibly lucky that you aren't in trouble for doing this.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/03/2017 12:52

Cross posted with you.

Just maybe it is starting to sink in. Very, very, slowly.

CountClueless · 06/03/2017 12:53

Even in remote areas, it only takes one car or one stranger. I don't think I would feel any more reassured if we lived in the country tbh

You could say the same for a ten year old, or 14, or 22.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2017 12:53

All of that is completely irrelevant.

It was the parent's decision.

The school agreed with it.

Nobody was 'careering off' on their bike.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/03/2017 12:54

Alaia. What a lot of tosh. It's perfectly normal for 8 year olds to play out on their bikes. Nothing of any interest to the police or SS, nor should it be.

halcyondays · 06/03/2017 12:54

It's completely normal for 8 year olds to be out by themselves around here. Not so much for them to be regularly left with a 12 year old after school, although maybe it's only for a short time each day?

Why on earth would SS or the police be interested in an 8 year old being out on their bike?

Astro55 · 06/03/2017 13:00

My DS would cycle home as well -

I don't see where the safe guarding issue is?

RachelRagged · 06/03/2017 13:00

Seriously OP ?

You are being very unreasonable .. If I was the boys Mum I would be furious at you . NOT. YOUR. BUSINESS. Mum sorted it with school !! Honestly some people.

brasty · 06/03/2017 13:00

OP your comments about the police and SS make you sound a very over protective parent.

Alaia5 · 06/03/2017 13:01

If an 8 year old was alone in a bike in our area people would do a double take and the police would probably intervene. Even in a minor road. Children of that age and even older don't play out even.

lalalalyra · 06/03/2017 13:03

Even in remote areas, it only takes one car or one stranger. I don't think I would feel any more reassured if we lived in the country tbh

That's not your choice to make for someone else's child.

My children play out. They walk home from school (well 8yo doesn't now due to a school move, but still). They go out for hours at a time and only text if they need me. They do a lot of things that other parents on here, and some in my area, would find horrifying.

However I have decided what my children are capable of doing based on the way I've brought them up, the way they are (I find it baffling when people have arbitrary ages for allowing things, but it's their choice. My twins have different limits based on their abilities), where we live, who they are with and the only person who has to live with that is me. Well, and DH but we parent very alike.

I'm not going to let the paranoia of other parents dictate how I bring up my children, and I'm not going to let the abilities of other 8/10/16 year olds dictate what mine are allowed to do.

No police or SS are going to get involved with a capable child travelling home from school in way they, their parent, and in this case their school, are comfortable with.

AlmaMartyr · 06/03/2017 13:07

Areas are different though! I've never lived in London so wouldn't comment on what parenting decisions I might make differently if I lived there. I live in a small, rural market town and lots of 8yos make their own way home. I think it is good to keep an eye out for kids, we walk a quiet rural route to school and often children are on their own walking that way. I admit to keeping half an eye while we're nearby. That's all. By talking to the boy and the school and the parents, and then altering their decisions to make your own you have undermined those decisions. DH and I think very carefully about what freedoms we allow our DD, and I wouldn't be very pleased if another parent challenged those decisions in front of her, which is effectively what you've done.

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