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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you please help me settle an argument between my children?

182 replies

TheCuntess · 05/03/2017 19:09

Because we have tried and failed.

Our children share a room. The eldest bought an Xbox with his birthday money a couple of years ago.
We have room for one TV in their room and no more. The youngest loves it, wants to have a go, wants his own, wants to share.
The eldest, give him his due is very generous but like most people has his limits.
Ordinarily we'd tell the youngest to save for his own and this would work but this is a gaming thing and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 06/03/2017 05:56

Some children seem to be able to self regulate. Others don't.

doubletrouble41 · 06/03/2017 06:04

Very true, I've often wondered if my DD wouldn't have become so addicted if she maybe had been allowed to play one more freely when younger. This parenting malarkey.... Doesn't matter what you do, you're always somehow getting it wrong!

FrenchLavender · 06/03/2017 06:44

I think it was pretty unfair and completely unrealistic to allow one child to have an X-box (even bought with his own money) and to place it in the only room you will allow, the bedroom they have to share, which means the other child has to constantly see it in use but cannot touch it or take a turn. That just seems cruel. I'm not surprised it is causing him to whine and plead.

Given that they have to share a room it should have been bought for Christmas between them, or given as a joint birthday present on the understanding that the younger son has his share of the present early, with a strict rota for taking turns, such as alternate days or one hour a day each.

It makes much more sense to put in the the family room where they can use it for a set time when they come home from school and before the adults want to watch TV. Having it in the family room means it's easier to stick to a disciplined routine about how often it's used.

nooka · 06/03/2017 07:25

I have a coming up 18yr old ds and 16yr old dd. We've always had the TV and consoles in the living room, even when ds earned an x-box for working really hard on his academics one summer. I don't recall sharing being a massive issue but as an adult was usually around to see how things unfolded I expect we just policed things fairly early on in discussions. We did have other consoles (dh is a big gamer) but only one TV until a couple of years ago. Now we have a couple of older TVs to run dh's retro consoles on, ds's PC in our dining room and we all have laptops of one sort or another too. Few regrets about everything being in shared rooms even with ds being very loud at times. We like to keep an eye on what they are up to online.

With a shared TV having two consoles of the same type seems like a bit of a waste of money to me. I'd help the younger to save up for a different console perhaps with a reward scheme for not tantrumming. I'm assuming he is quite a bit younger than the older one so finds it difficult not to be able to play his brothers games when it's his TV time.

longdiling · 06/03/2017 07:52

Blimey there is some sanctimonious waffle going on in this thread. I can't have a console in the living room either. I childmind and ds wouldn't get a seconds peace to play while I was working. He has it in his room and, incredibly, is still the same lovely, hardworking child he was before the console. Imagine that?!

Seen as your older ds had to save up to buy the console, I would suggest to the younger child that he has to do the same if he wants free use of a console - otherwise he is at the mercy of the person who owns the console in his room. Sharing the TV sounds a good plan. If older ds then wants his own TV maybe he could save up and you could look into wall mounted options?

All this family, shared console stuff wouldn't work in this house as only one child is interested in it and he'd be the only one using it. Hardly fair to spend hundreds on something that is ostensibly 'shared' but actually only used by one child. Like spending hundreds on a fancy shared violin for the family when only one child plays.

MiaowTheCat · 06/03/2017 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astoria7974 · 06/03/2017 08:14

I personally wouldn't want either of my kids playing video games or watching TV in their room. How do you police it if you don't know how much screen time they're getting (and trust me, unless you sleep in that room with them, you have no idea). If it's causing tantrumns just do a bit of parenting ie remove the TV and the console and tell them they'll only get it back when they work out a system together

ArriettyMatilda · 06/03/2017 08:28

I don't have any experience in this but have you tried talking to them (individually and together) about what solution they would like and how could they achieve that. You state the facts as in your op and paraphrase what they say to make sure they and you fully understand what they mean. You could put forward some of the suggestions above of their solutions are totally unfair or unworkable. I think they'd be more likely to agree if you had a discussion in this way. I would do this when they aren't arguing about it or using the consol. This works with toddlers and preschoolers on sharing and taking turns but I've not tried with teenagers! Though from what I see both toddler and teenagers are very similar in terms of being in a boundary pushing stage.

longdiling · 06/03/2017 08:29

Just saw doubletrouble's post with her 12 week old twins Grin what on earth makes you feel qualified to pass judgement here doubletrouble? I hope to God you keep your username over the coming decade so we call all advance search your sanctimonious bullshit when your kids grow up and life gets more complicated

Tanaqui · 06/03/2017 08:31

I do think op has a point with the ages of dc! I have 16 and 17 yr old ds, one a v keen gamer. We are lucky to have a spare room with the console and PS4- and fortunately bought it for them to share when younger (dh had ps1, so we have always had that kind of thing around). We used to do alternate days, with some whinging when a family compulsory activity ate up one child's time, now they are older they technically have allocated days but in practice just share whenever.

If it's in a family room, the rest of the family have to listen- they are all interacting over the headsets these days! If I only had one room, it would be in their bedroom, and if one had bought it himself, the other would have to save the same and I would fit two in however I could- no way would I listen to them in the living room!

allchattedout · 06/03/2017 08:32

Just saw doubletrouble's post with her 12 week old twins grin what on earth makes you feel qualified to pass judgement here doubletrouble? I hope to God you keep your username over the coming decade so we call all advance search your sanctimonious bullshit when your kids grow up and life gets more complicated

To be fair, she also says that she has an older DD who is doing her A-levels, so presumably she does have some experience of older kids too...

PaulAnkaTheDog · 06/03/2017 08:45

Well longdiling I hope you keep your username so people can AS in future and see how you don't read posts correctly, try to make someone look stupid but actually just make yourself look like a prat.

I'm actually cringing on your behalf.

ZilphasHatpin · 06/03/2017 08:59

what on earth makes you feel qualified to pass judgement here doubletrouble

Her post immediately before it should help you out here. and better reading skills

ZilphasHatpin · 06/03/2017 09:01

I do think op has a point with the ages of dc!

OP didn't post their ages. We only know one is tantrum age and one is 10+.

doubletrouble41 · 06/03/2017 09:07

Sorry; I didn't mean to come across as sanctimonious; all I meant was my previous experience with DD1's inability to self regulate made me dislike screens in bedrooms; although I did concur that my strict approach was possibly not the right one.... and that us parents seem buggered whatever we do. Didn't mean to come across like that at all.

irregularegular · 06/03/2017 09:17

I'm slightly confused about what exactly the disagreement is over. Is it the tv or the games console? Seems to me that the tv is shared so you can impose timetable for who gets to be in charge of tv use. But the games console belongs to ds1 and though you can strongly encourage him to share you might not want to force him to.

I assume there is another tv downstairs that ds 2 could use?

I wouldn't be buying more tvs! But then I'm a screen limiter and like the fact that a limited number of screens in the house forces us all to their limit use.

FWIW we only have one tv in the house (in the living room) and plan to keep it that way. We have a 13 yr old and 14 yr old. One boy who likes his PlayStation (birthday present, attached to family tv) and a girl who has very different tv viewing preferences. We very much plan to keep it that way - no tv/consoles in bedrooms. Only having one screen forces them to negotiate the times of use between them and do other things. If we want to watch we throw them off (with some warning!). The do have their own laptops too.

ImissTerry · 06/03/2017 09:45

When you say there's no room for another tv/cosole does this mean there is no space for a wall mounted one? You can get floating shelves that sit under the wall mounted tv for an xbox to sit on. They are on Amazon - just search for cd player shelf - I can't get the link to work.

Original poster
TheCuntess · 06/03/2017 09:55

I haven't read all the replies just yet because Ive got a lecture to go to and there are so many replies.

In the mean time though, why on earth was the thread reported?! That's just weird.

Why would you need another tv? Use the existing one. You wouldn't have two on at the same time anyway would you?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCuntess · 06/03/2017 09:57

for those who want ages, the little one is about to turn 6, so coming out of the tantrum age, but not quite.

OP posts:
deadringer · 06/03/2017 10:04

My 13 and 8 year olds share a room and the older one has loads of stuff taking up space that the younger one isn't allowed to touch. No big deal

MiaowTheCat · 06/03/2017 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

irregularegular · 06/03/2017 10:33

Wow. Not 6 yet. I'd have thought that at that age this should be a non-issue. How much time on the games console/bedroom tv do you think it would be reasonable for him to be spending? Enough to impinge in a significant way on the rest of the family?

Astoria7974 · 06/03/2017 10:38

6 is too young. Just say no. If they tantrumn let them.

SomethingBorrowed · 06/03/2017 10:43

I don't see why the eldest has to share the xbox...
TV, yes they share so each can choose how to use it half the time. But the console belongs to the eldest.

To everybody suggesting that it is cruel to be using the xbox in the room where the youngest one is and not share, I don't understand, does that mean that your DC have to share everything they use in full view??
Phones, music players, books, art supplies... they aren't allowed to keep a gift just for them if it is used in a room where siblings are as well?

Sorry, I just don't get it...

fairweathercyclist · 06/03/2017 10:45

I have a male kid aged 10+ and I have a very strict rule of no TV and no xbox in bedroom. Xbox is in the lounge, along with the only TV in the house.