My DH is leaving after more than 20 years.

[user1488723505]

He has told me today. There are loads of things he wants to do with his life. I am holding him back apparently. I have mobility issues. I asked if there's anything I can do to make him stay. Even begged him. I love him so much. We have so much history together and he's throwing it away. Kids are grown with their own lives and just when we can start living ours he has thrown it away. We have had problems in the past with his infidelity ( 18+ years ago) and I gave him another chance. Everything seemed to be ok. Now this has happened. I guess I'm asking AIBU to think I can change his mind or even should I try? He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together. Please help me make sense of this.

Also, this man isn't a carer. The op has made that clear.

I'm going to stop posting because I'm finding this thread quite triggering but I found people acknowledging the wrongs that had been done to me when my ex left, helpful.

Yes, some of the posts are seriously irritating, I have just read the last three but will read no more as I see that some posters are still going on about their experiences as a carer even though OP has stated he is not a carer so completely irrelevant. I wonder if they would be so sympathetic if he left her because he wanted a younger/richer/better-looking model which is really no different...

Roomster I'd still rather be told the truth. If he wants a younger woman nothing I can do about it, can't turn the clock back. If I got the I need space, lets have a trial separation it would make me think there was a chance. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons but there is no point crying and begging if its over.

As for not being a carer well my husband would say he hasn't got a carer but I've got the t shirt. We don't know how the OPs disability affects her but we know how it affects him.

OP you might benefit from moving this to/starting a new thread in the Relationships board. I echo the advice to get a good solicitor and not to waste time stalking possible OWs on FB.

There seems to be a lot of projection and assumptions and unhelpful discussion about carers and their rights to say "enough". That's an interesting subject for another thread but is irrelevant here, since the OP has already stated her partner is not her carer.

I think Foslady summed it up upthread:

The OP's husband is a coward for putting all the blame on her and her mobility issues. If he'd have said that the marriage wasn't working any more, that they'd grown apart then I think most of us can understand that, but he's refusing to accept personal responsibility by blaming the OP for circumstances out of her control. It's bad enough hearing 'I don't want to be with you anymore', but to then place all blame on the other person due to their health issues is wrong.

grannytomine My point was that he would probably not get such sympathetic responses from some posters if he was after a younger/richer/better looking model. We all know relationships can end for any reason but I really don't think it is nice or helpful to tell those who have been treated badly (as OP undoubtedly has) that you can see their ex's point of view etc etc.
I also find your constant assertion/assumption that all spouses of those with any disability, including my DH, are downtrodden carers quite insulting. I can say with absolute certainty that DH is not my carer in any shape or form (if anything it is the other way around) and I doubt that DH's husband is her carer either.

The main point is that it's not because one partner isn't the carer of the other that the disability/illness doesn't affect that partner.
It is possible to stop enjoying the life you now have because of the limitations coming from the illness/disability of your partner. Even if you are not a carer.

DH's husband OP's husband

And I will repeat there is nothing coward about what the DH said.

That illness has affected him too. Saying otherwise would be a lie. He isn't coping with it.
Growing apart would have been a lie. Maybe not as hurtful because yes, you can't do anything about being ill, but it would still be a lie.

As I said, I have a similar illness than the OP. I suspect I might even be more affected in that I can't work full time only a very part time job due that illness. And yes I am extremely careful that DH still can enjoy his life DESPITE my illness. I am aware that things aren't easy for him, even if he isn't my carer. But that I (we) had to stop a lot of activities that we used to enjoy together, things that were bringing us together too. That he had to step up re the dcs and the HW etc etc.

But he's not her carer cowgirl.

And the OP hasn't clipped his wings.
She has been happy for him to go off to festivals and go on climbing holidays.
If his life had been restricted I would have sympathy.

Why are people having a go at me
I've said that as someone with a DP who has a disability I would never judge somebody who couldn't cope in that situation. I do cope and I am fine but I know how hard it is

Couldn't he start by just trying all those things without you and see how that goes? People don't have to live in each other's pockets. I've done work trips all over the planet without my other half. You don't have to be joined at the hip.

Or was that option put to him and he turned it down?

If married 20 years presumably some of the children are at univesrity and home half the year for holidays and needing financial support in which case do take some legal advice about divorce law and financial issues.