My DH is leaving after more than 20 years.

[user1488723505]

He has told me today. There are loads of things he wants to do with his life. I am holding him back apparently. I have mobility issues. I asked if there's anything I can do to make him stay. Even begged him. I love him so much. We have so much history together and he's throwing it away. Kids are grown with their own lives and just when we can start living ours he has thrown it away. We have had problems in the past with his infidelity ( 18+ years ago) and I gave him another chance. Everything seemed to be ok. Now this has happened. I guess I'm asking AIBU to think I can change his mind or even should I try? He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together. Please help me make sense of this.

He has gone away for several weekends a year . . . I've never stopped him but apparently he has felt guilty leaving me

User1488

So he "feels guilty" about leaving you for the occasional weekend, but not for dumping you for the rest of your life?

I'm sorry User - he is making excuses for being a selfish bastard. He is blaming your reduced mobility for his decision instead of taking responsibility for himself - this way it's your fault, and he, big-hearted guy that he is, has done all he can but it's just tearing him apart so he can't continue.

What. A. CROCK!

I suspect that he has a lady friend tucked away somewhere - this is a terrible thing to say to you OP, but I think he's probably been continually faithful to you for some time but has now decided he doesn't want to have to skulk around.

Don't beg him. Tell him to bugger off, If your home has been adapted to account for your mobility problems, you have a very good argument for staying.

Get as much information as you can regarding finances etc, and contact a lawyer asap - get in touch with the CAB if you can't afford one, and have a look at the relationships thread on this forum. there is a lot of good advice.

As others have said, although this is devastating for you, in a year, or two years, you will realise that it is the best thing that could happen to you. YOU will be the one who has their freedom back, not him.

He has behaved like an arse - don't get upset, as Scorpis has said get very, very angry!

This happened to me. Get angry. Get a solicitor and fight, fight, fight.

He can leave you to climb mountains and go to festivals (twat - what is it with these men and their right to "partaay"? It's like they watched Wayne's World and thought it was a guide for life.) but first he pays what he owes you and if he won't do it voluntarily, use the law to protect you - that's what it's there for.

If he thinks he can just swan off and have it all his own way, you can soon disabuse him of that. 25 years is a long time. Nothing will make up for the emotional hit you have to take but you can get a decent settlement.

Get good representation, get informed, gather up the shreds of your dignity and don't go down without a fight. He's a fucker and you need to stop being nice wifey and start thinking about what's right for you. It's not easy but you'll have support. Your kids will be there for you and all the kindnesses you've done for people in the past are about to come back to you tenfold.

In this situation, we reap what we sow. When this happened to me, my friends, family and kids carried me through on a tidal wave of love.

I'm so sorry

I'm sure there will be others after this post saying he has someone else in mind.

Or if he genuinely has no one lined up he is hopeful of meeting one. I mean festivals at his age? Yes, I know many older people love them, but he could go with friends, or with you if that was all he was after.

But what about you OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life sitting at home with your cat??
No, I thought not, I would start a list of plans for the next 3 years. There are some truly beautiful places which are not a long haul away. Mind you why not cruise to where you want to go? If you are not tied by DCs the world is your oyster....... learn a foreign language, visit the Med, do a OU degree, set up your own business, train for interesting voluntary work etc etc etc

Sorry but there will be an OW - him dressing up as somehow being your fault due to mobility issues is just foul. How bloody dare he.

Let him and his MLC take his OW on the plane or to a festival. Is he going to be a lycra bike-riding wanker and wear Superdry too to complete this MLC knobbishness? Previous infidelity shows what happens when you take someone back. Please do not beg - tell him to fuck off to his shiny new life and see how badly it treats him.

Once the initial shock has had time to subside, you may think back and realise the warning signs were there and hence not such a shock after all.

My heart goes out to you, that he is walking out when you have mobility problems , just so he can live his batchelor life. How 'nice' of him.

Funnily enough, people can have mobility problems when they least expect it, he hasn't banked on the fact it could happen to him, "there but for the Grace of God and all that". Then he will have ample time to reflect on his own appalling inhumane behaviour.

I'm very sorry but I think he is lying about you "holding him back"

I would bet my house there is an OW or someone he wants to be.

At the risk of getting flamed here, why is he a selfish fucker/useless shit/arse for wanting out? If the situation was reversed, posters would be tripping over themselves to tell a woman to quit her marriage if she felt held back and would be saying that sometimes it's okay to be selfish and put your needs first. Why is it any different for him? I'm really sorry for the OP, but I'm genuinely baffled as to why this has provoked such vitriol. Or am I just being naive??

I would say I hope the nasty thoughtless fucker falls flat on his face, has his new woman dump him, and ends up homeless and destitute and living on the streets with fuck-all, but that would be a bit mean wouldn't it?

Whatever happens I wish you well OP. As many on here have said tho, don't beg him. You deserve better.

At the risk of getting flamed here, why is he a selfish fucker/useless shit/arse for wanting out? If the situation was reversed, posters would be tripping over themselves to tell a woman to quit her marriage if she felt held back and would be saying that sometimes it's okay to be selfish and put your needs first. Why is it any different for him? I'm really sorry for the OP, but I'm genuinely baffled as to why this has provoked such vitriol. Or am I just being naive??

I seriously doubt we WOULD all be saying that 'spacecadet.'. YOU probably would, but don't assume everyone is as selfish and self centred as you.

Because some of us value honesty and integrity. This guy exhibits neither.

spacecadet because some people believe in marriage for life. They've raised a family together and after 25 years she has a disability so he's leaving her so he can go on fancy holidays.

Can you really not see why that's shitty?

Marriage is about loyalty and commitment. Not bailing after 25 years because you're bored. It's just vile.

The commitment you make is "for better for worse," not "while it works for me, then I'm outta here"...

My mum has a disability that came on in her mid -sixties. It's shit for her. My dad looked forward to an active retirement. He's looking after her instead of climbing the Rockies. That's what decent people do. He just gets that. He knows she'd have done the same for him. That's marriage. That's family. That's what decent people do.

I'm so sorry, OP, this must be devastating. He sounds like a selfish arse and, like a poster upthread said, you need to get ANGRY!!! Get all your paperwork together TODAY!!! and hire a solicitor first thing IN THE MORNING! He WILL leave you with nothing/very little because he has clearly told you he's only thinking about himself. A solicitor might be expensive now but it will save you money in the long term (I'm a solicitor myself, although not family law). I cannot emphasize how important it is for you to get organized as soon as possible as difficult as it is in this terrible time. Also, if he feels this way, you are much better off without him - it won't seem like that for a while but it will become clearer in the future. All the best of luck, OP!

Spacecadet please take your ghastly Strawman comparisons elsewhere.

You are on the thread of a real person whose heart is breaking.

Start your own thread if you want to peddle hypothetical crap. You may want to bring justice to the world, well push off and do it elsewhere.

We're here to support.

Dear OP

Firstly I'm so sorry - pls also seek comfort from people irl who love you.

I work with separating couples all the time and what he says just doesn't ring true. You say you quite happily spend time with friends while he does these pursuits already. I can't understand why he wouldn't have discussed this at length with you before making such a huge decision. Could he be depressed? There is also a possibility he has someone else and isn't brave enough to tell you the truth and do the right thing.
perhaps a midlife crisis.

You won't necessarily lose your house. If you are married you have a lot of potential claims against your ex after a long marriage. The law takes into account your individual earning capacity going forward and any disabilities that impact on that or mean your financial needs are greater than his. The starting point is 50/50 split of everything but the above can mean you receive more. He may have to also pay you maintenance potentially for the rest of your life. You should immediately check online to see if you are entitled to any working tax credit or other benefits. You will be ok. It's such a huge shock and will take you a long time to get over. Don't beg it will drive him further away but if he leaves make it clear that's his choice and he doesn't get the benefits of marriage like your immediate friendship and so on... Many make that mistake and then exes have their cake and eat it. Do suggest relate. You can even go alone.

If you struggle to cope see your GP.

Thinking of you op X

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
I would also ask though, what PussInCoutts has: if you were totally ok with him running marathons, going away whole weekends to festivals, why can't he pursue this within the marriage? You say you didn't think he'd leave, either; maybe you thought you were supportive of his more active pursuits, but he did not feel like you were.

This said, unfortunately it is also possible that he'd like to meet someone who could share these activities with him. When he was running marathons etc., he must have met couples who do it together, etc. (Did you accompany him to any of his marathons, i.e. to cheer at the finish line etc?)

It's not your fault he's leaving. He's blaming your lack of mobility as holding him back, because he wants a convenient excuse. The fact of the matter is, if he loved you, he wouldn't be leaving. I'm so sorry, I just think he wants to be selfish and go do his own thing, he most likely doesn't have feelings for you any longer, but wants to put the blame on you.

Relationships end all the time and that's absolutely fine, what's not fine is the way he's blaming you for it. He sounds awful to be honest. Who leaves their wife because of festivals?

Couldn't not reply. He's made me so angry.

Don't beg. He doesn't deserve you. As people have said - get angry. And first thing tomorrow get a solicitor

I have a friend who developed MS. He can't travel even pretty short distances. His wife is staying put. They're a team.

Blaming you is just so selfishly shitty

get professional help ASAP

I cannot emphasize how important it is for you to get organized as soon as possible as difficult as it is in this terrible time.

THIS ^^^

And don't forget - he has a head start because he's been plotting this for ages, and may very well have been salting funds away secretly, so hit him hard and hit him fast to make sure that you get EVERYTHING that you are entitled to.

And your disability is not the cause of him leaving - it is a convenient handle for him to hangs artiness on. If you were able and active, he would have found another excuse, because the only person he cares about is himself.

I suspect that in the past you have been useful to him ("I can't leave her, darling - she needs me - but it's you I really love" etc). Now either someone has told him to make the decision or he wants to spread his net wider and he feels he'd be better on his own.

There is a script and it sounds as if he has read it :(

So sorry OP. All of the and and and .

Lawyer up.

Remember one thing: This guy is not on your team anymore. Don't trust him to 'see you right'. Don't assume that he 'wouldn't do that to me' - as you've already said, you never thought he'd leave you.

I bet my shiny pound there is an OW stashed somewhere. His excuse is weak and doesn't make sense; he's been quite happy to bugger off and pursue his own interests up until now, so why the sudden attack of conscience? Besides it's a bullshit approach. "I'm feel so bad about the fact that you can't do the things that I want to, so I'm going to divorce you after 20 years of marriage". Horseshit.

I agree with what everyone's saying here, about him; and about you keeping your pride.

Don't let him move money out of your accounts, for all his adventures! Move it first! Just in case.

Take things one day at a time, and it will get better. I promise.

Get on with your life and don't look back

I am so sorry.

I echo what others have said. Protect your interests. See a lawyer. Make no decisions no and agree to nothing with him financially.

Op move this to relationships

While he has the potential to feel guilty and thinks he has you in shock, get all the relevant paperwork and get yourself a solicitor.

This isn't your fault. He has happily been going off and doing what he wants, and yet all of a sudden that isn't enough? Don't let him deride you, stay calm, listen, prepare yourself and keep your powder dry. He is no longer your friend, and you can't trust him right now. Find some friends or family you can trust and confide in, and get professional help.

Then get on building your new life!