My DH is leaving after more than 20 years.

[user1488723505]

He has told me today. There are loads of things he wants to do with his life. I am holding him back apparently. I have mobility issues. I asked if there's anything I can do to make him stay. Even begged him. I love him so much. We have so much history together and he's throwing it away. Kids are grown with their own lives and just when we can start living ours he has thrown it away. We have had problems in the past with his infidelity ( 18+ years ago) and I gave him another chance. Everything seemed to be ok. Now this has happened. I guess I'm asking AIBU to think I can change his mind or even should I try? He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together. Please help me make sense of this.

Op please ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships. You will get some good support there.

Urgently check any joint accounts, he has had a head start on this and any account in joint name can be emptied by either person.

Let him go, fight for a decent settlement. Remember you deserve better and ultimately you will be better off without this selfish man in your life.

When my xh left I'll always remember what my GP said when I went to see him in bits 'My dear, I'm so sorry, but we have to acknowledge that some men are utter shits'.

A proper medical diagnosis.

Be upset today, and wake up angry tomorrow - how dare he blame you for his mid life crisis! Book a solicitor, get copies of all savings accounts, wage slips and bank accounts - even if it means hiding them. Start to fight back, let him see that you are as serious and strong minded as he is, and if you don't feel it fake it until you do.

Don't beg him to stay.
If he does stay you will always be left wondering whether he stayed because he really wanted to be with you, or because you begged him to stay.

Do you want to be with someone who is only with you out of pity, because you 'begged him to'.

Usually I would tend to agree with spacecadet or wonder about other posters who see OW under every rock.

However, OP isnt holding him back. He is doing these things already and its not like the OP isnt doing them. Yes, it would be nice to do things together but sometimes in life that isnt possible. There are plenty of tours and group holidays and groups to go walking with so he doesnt feel alone doing these things. And OP has shown willingness to do her own thing when he is doing that.

Being held back and being guilty about doing things alone are different things. Guilt can be assuaged and managed. As can being held back (which I dont thing he is/will be).

If there isnt an OW then its something that has crossed his mind. Especially since he did it before.

I would definitely be looking to get an excellent lawyer in this situation. And prepare for more bad news.

Please get any joint money secured, get a solicitor, and believe me when I say that one day you will be happy again and wonder why you were so bothered about him.

Book a solicitor, get copies of all savings accounts, wage slips and bank accounts - even if it means hiding them. Start to fight back, let him see that you are as serious and strong minded as he is, and if you don't feel it fake it until you do.

Make sure you start doing all of the above asap.
It's imperative you don't let slip to him what you're doing.
As a pp mentioned, he has probably been planning his great escape for months, so could even have been squirreling money away, dipping into savings, setting things various things up. You don't know.
It's Monday tomorrow so get on that phone first thing.
I know it's tempting, but also try and keep a clear head. Drowning your sorrows isn't a good idea at the moment. Save that for some other time.

Do NOT take this lying down, do as I did and get a solicitor and get all of the equity in the house then buy yourself something outright even if it's only a ground floor flat.
There must surely be a fair bt of money in the house after all these years and your lack of mobility will count for a lot. get maintenance also.
Like my ex he won't be doing any mountain climbing or travelling once he has to pay maintennace and face his responsibilities.
It's fear and also being afraid of being alone that stops you at first but when you've done it you can feel free and you will be independent.
How DARE he leave you and ruin your life for such selfish reasons.
Also think about getting a job ince this is over, I have limited moblity but still manage part time.

In a horrible, horrible time, the only thing that will make you feel better is anger and justice.

Get a lawyer.
Get help from the relationships board and
Fight your corner.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Ensure that his pension is factored in as well, as it sometimes gets forgotten. List all the assets you have jointly and he has singly. Get a good lawyer as others have said. Don't forget any shares, btl interests etc.

Good luck, and don't get mad, get even (and then some).

However, OP isnt holding him back. He is doing these things already
Well, sure, but the question is what he comes back home to, afterwards. Not obstructing someone physically does not equal support. Only the OP knows how supportive she is.

I'm so sorry OP and I'm fuming on your behalf. Don't beg him to stay. You deserve so much better.
My dh is disabled. He had an accident and over the last 10 years he has deteriorated. He has chronic pain and mobility problems. Can't walk without sticks and is on daily morphine.
We can't do most things I thought we would be doing in our 40s. Like you, our kids are grown. But, I would never, ever leave him. I love him. Yes, he has health problems but that's a physicality, it's not who he is or who I married. You adapt and as a previous poster said, marriage is for sickness and in health. Not for just the good bits.
Your dh is a selfish bastard. I don't know what else to say

So sorry OP. He's an absolute fucking shit and he doesn't deserve you.
Have some and and {{{{{hugs}}}}}.

Some great advice on here, OP,. Hope you are OK

Ensure that his pension is factored in as well, as it sometimes gets forgotten. List all the assets you have jointly and he has singly. Get a good lawyer as others have said. Don't forget any shares, btl interests etc.

Good points Scary - especially re: pension.

Honestly it sounds like he's spent the last 20 or so years living a life and trying to make it be enough for him, but it just isn't. He's reached a point in his life when he's realised there's so many things he still wants to do and time to do them is running out. (especially if things need physical fitness and good health like climbing a mountain)
It doesn't mean necessarily that he doesn't love you, just that he isn't fulfilled or satisfied with his life and feels he's missing out so is unhappy. You can't physically make yourself able to do those things with him, so his choice was give up on all the things he wants to do, or leave you to go and live the life he's probably wanted all along.

I'm disabled to the point i can barely leave my house because of a MH condition, that technically could change meaning it isn't 100% absolutely ruled out i'll never be able to do things i can't do now. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, and so many more things about not being able to do all the things i want to in life, and i definitely feel the "time running out" to be able to do half of them. I have been the way i am, virtually housebound, for 13 years since i was only 14 so there is a LOT of stuff i haven't been able to do, even just a night out with friends.

Begging him to stay isn't fair, on either of you. You shouldn't have to beg someone to be with you, and it isn't fair to pile the guilt on him begging him not to leave you because he's clearly unhappy. By asking him to stay you're asking him to give up aspirations and dreams for good and settle for a life that clearly isn't enough for him.

Sometimes love really isn't enough to make you happy and fulfilled. It is possible he's fallen out of love with you, but even then these things happen, it's devastating for you, but still not fair to ask him to stay. People jumping straight to "he's a shit, he's got another woman/wants another woman" seriously, you have NO proof to suggest that is true, and why is leaving someone/a relationship you're not happy in a crime that makes you evil/a bad person?

So sorry to hear this user

Please get proper legal advice.

He's a cunt

This happened to a friend of mine a couple of years ago, only her ex didn't try to pretend there was nobody else.

You can bet your husband has someone else lined up, people like him always have. Three times I've had a guy show interest in me and it turned out he was in a relationship and wanted out, and was practising his pulling techniques. As I don't jump into new relationships I smelt a rat each time. Make sure you get evidence of the OW. And good luck with your new life.

Change us mind for what? Matter of fact your current approach is empowering him. I know you may not feel very strong or empowered now. But turn the tables, stop begging, stop discussing. Tomorrow when he is not present make sure you collect all the paper with you need (I'm assuming your married) place them in a safe place out side the house. Lack him a bag and change the locks. 18 years is a long time he sounds like us is no longer invested in the relationship and you are. If your not careful he will ride off into the sunset and leave you with nothing. You need to faked fond control, distance yourself and then figure out what you really want.

Ps. For the love of God do not beg for him to stay, you will make yourself feel even worse expecially when he keeps saying no to you.

am so sorry, please find a way to go on and be fabulous in your life.

"I am overwhelmed at the moment. I will probably lose my house as I won't be able to pay for it. I'm at my wits end."

Get good advice, get the best you can. Do you work? I've not read all posts but have tried to read your posts.

As someone else said what do you want to do with your life without him in it?

I know there is a lot of angry talk etc here and I know it is right but please don't let the grown up children get embroiled in it all, please.

"He wants to travel to USA ( I'm unable to fly long haul) climb mountains (haha to me doing that) go to festivals and camp. ( can't do that either) Sounds like a midlife crisis I know. I said that to him. He has gone away for several weekends a year to festivals and gigs and run marathons etc. I've never stopped him but apparently he has felt guilty leaving me. I had no problems with it, I met friends and did other things."

It does sound like a mid life crisis. It is very sad, he will probably get bored of those USA mountains and wonder why he ever decided to throw away his life in this way.

I do feel we all have a right to make these decisions though. I have no idea if he is being honest with you, which is why you can never guarantee anything he says so from now on you need to be suspicious!

I don't know if it is crass to say this but I love this movie...

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Kiss_(1995_film)

Meg Ryan loses the 'supposed' love of her life and is so desperate to get him back she follows him to France (despite a fear of flying) and tries to turn herself into a French Fame Fatal, but in the meantime (spoiler alert) she realises she doesn't want the worthless shit back again.

I hope you can come to terms with all this is happening, and get angry, get a solicitor and take charge of your life from now on. Move on and protect yourself and your kids from all this fall out.

hugs to you, in a mumsnetty way.

XXXXXXX

AlmostAJillSandwich are you getting help for your mental health issues? if not, please, please get help. I had anxiety 20 years ago, had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on the NHS and was cured. I know it does not work for all. But please get help.

spacecadet
No. you wouldn't find many who will say it's ok to leave if your spouse under these circumstances. There is far more to life than climbing hills and running marathons. Sometimes, even sex.
I happen to know a couple where one of them got seriously unwell right before their wedding. Think life threatening and life changing. The OH still went on with the wedding as firm as ever. Some years later, the situation reversed and the physically healthy spouse got really really unwell while the other one had completely recovered. They are still together, made lovely babies and are very happy so far as we all know and see.
That's integrity of your commitment to someone in sickness and health, life and death.

ItalianGreyhound been trying to get help since i was 15. Load of bother with child services as my sister was a patient before me and they refused to see me too, finally had a trainee but she left after a few months. My referral to adult services was confirmed by phone and post but could take up to 2 years, phoned up after a year to find i was never put on the bloody list! Then i got assigned to an OCD "specialist" who told me on day one she could cure me within 6 weeks. Her magic cure was telling me to "Just don't do it" when i felt the need to perform a ritual to calm an obsessive thought. She'd set unrealistic goals, act visibly and audibly disappointed and angry when those goals were unobtainable (she expected me for example to go from wearing max sanitary towel absorbency as protection incase i wet myself to wearing nothing, in a week, on my own at home) and she stuck her nose in that my parents had me paying rent out of my incapacity benefit which was "completely out of order" in her opinion, despite it being necessary as my dad gave up full time work to be my full time carer at 16 when i became suicidal and couldn't be left alone. The service is so over stretched its 20 sessions with a psychologist then you're out, she told me at app 13 i was a lost cause, couldn't be helped and was no point seeing me and had me discharged from the service to "stop wasting her time". Since then i've become housebound practically 100% of the time and can't go out to appointments and they just don't offer home visits or over the phone etc. I'm actually at the docs in the morning with the intention of asking her what if any help is available. So, so glad the CBT worked for you!

(sorry for thread derail, no idea how to PM)

Mayb He's reached a point in his life when he's realised there's so many things he still wants to do and time to do them is running out.

That's still very selfish.
I'm sure the OP would also love to be able to do all those things if she could.
At least he gets to go off periodically, to festivals and 'climb mountains'. The OP never gets to do any of that.
People joke about the Midlife crisis, but I think it can bring out the selfish, childish, immature, spiteful side of people and they don't care who they tread on or cast aside in order to get what they want, whether it's dumping the wife and children to start over with a 'new' wife and create 'new' children, or climbing a sodding mountain in Timbuktu.

Selfish Immature Shits.

OP

I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.. so just want to say sorry that you have to go through this OP, he is being a prick and I reckon he will realise what he's lost once he's thrown it away