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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH is leaving after more than 20 years.

161 replies

user1488723505 · 05/03/2017 14:35

He has told me today. There are loads of things he wants to do with his life. I am holding him back apparently. I have mobility issues. I asked if there's anything I can do to make him stay. Even begged him. I love him so much. We have so much history together and he's throwing it away. Kids are grown with their own lives and just when we can start living ours he has thrown it away. We have had problems in the past with his infidelity ( 18+ years ago) and I gave him another chance. Everything seemed to be ok. Now this has happened. I guess I'm asking AIBU to think I can change his mind or even should I try? He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together. Please help me make sense of this.

OP posts:

Booshbeesh · 06/03/2017 11:13

Maybe its that he feels like hes holding u bak too? There musy be an element of live therr because liie u say 20 plus years. Maybe now hes older your older he sees it as a last chance to do.these things and doesnt wsnt to do.them alone. We cannot blame people for wanting to live life to the full. Im sure there is 1001 things u could do.together but things that he doesnt want to do. Im sorry for ur heartbreak and ur pain. But we cannot hold a man down because he wants the most from life. Take this as a chance to maybe do.things too... you cant go long hual flight..then go ona cruise!!! Let him go and also u go to. Open ur mind and body and just flow with life and get the most out of it. If ur children are older then u have no restrictions any more. I hope you find happiness xxxxxx

Laiste · 06/03/2017 11:16

Oh OP i wouldn't stalk the trainer or try to 'catch him at anything' at all. He has said he wants to go. Just let him.

That's not to say that you don't fight your corner re: house ect. of course. But what is snooping about at this stage going to achieve? :(

Booshbeesh · 06/03/2017 11:17

I think its abit silly calling him selfish bastard and wishing him ill health. Surely op would rather him live his life then stay with her through pity? She herself has said she isnt registered disabled and no one would even no. Maybe he thinks you dont put urself out enough. Try it. It may surprise u!

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 11:17

It's not a competition fgs!!

No it isn't a competition but as someone is similar to OP it is making me quite angry that some think I should sympathise with my "poor" DH for having to do marathons, mountain biking etc all by himself or with his friends because I can't do them with him. If he suggested that to me (he certainly wouldn't) I would be the one telling him to pack his bags.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/03/2017 11:18

Unfortunately it sounds as if he has already made up his mind

Let him go OP, focus on sorting out the finances

humourless · 06/03/2017 11:19

What a piece of shit he is. Sorry you had to find out after you've invested so much.

I suspect there's another woman, there always is.

Roomster101 · 06/03/2017 11:32

I think its abit silly calling him selfish bastard and wishing him ill health.

If you are referring to my post I don't see what is "silly" about calling OP's DH a selfish bastard. I didn't actually wish him "ill health" (that is just your interpretation); I said that I hoped OP's health was better than his in the future.

Anyway, some of the ignorant, vacuous posts on this thread are making me very annoyed so I will stop reading it.

ThisThingCalledLove · 06/03/2017 11:56

Sadly it's a fact that LTRs end regularly and people grow apart and/or fall out of love etc. Your DH should have the decency and courage to say that this has happened to him rather than blaming you for something you did not ask for and cannot change.

AlmostaJill from your post it looks like you're about 27? So OP and her DH have been together probably as long as you have been alive. The point I am making ^ is that people can choose to leave LTRs and it doesn't make them a "bad person". It does^ however make them a bad person if they have spent a whole lifetime with someone, had children together etc and then leave them without being honest, or leave them and be hurtful and cruel enough to "blame" the other person without accepting that they are in fact the one with "the problem".

I am disabled and ill and have been with DH for a long time prior to becoming ill, I love him very very much and actually said to him when I was diagnosed that he shouldn't feel he must stay in this situation out of pity or guilt etc, I know it's hard and the realities of "in sickness and in health" isn't for everyone. DH was actually quite offended that I would see him as the type of person that would leave someone he loved and walk away from a hard situation. I think though that if he did fall out of love with me he would own that the issue was his, rather than blaming me. He would say at least "I can't cope, it's my fault not yours" and this would be easier for me to deal with than "it's your illness, it's your fault this is happening".

I don't think people should be forced to stay in situations where they are unhappy out of duty, but I do think they have a duty to extricate (sorry bad word) themselves with decency and kindness and responsibility and OP's DH certainly isn't doing that. He doesn't "owe" her a relationship but he owes her honesty and he should accept responsibility for his part here.

grannytomine · 06/03/2017 12:09

Roomster, if you could choose would you choose to be in pain with restricted mobility and all the restrictions that puts on your life? I suspect your wouldn't but you think it is right to expect your partner to accept all that goes with your condition willingly and happily. No one is saying it is easy being in pain and not being able to do what you want but it seems selfish to refuse to accept how hard that can be for someone to choose that way of life (minus the pain hopefully but in my case 25 years of helping a man twice my weight means I have my own pain now.)

BatSegundo · 06/03/2017 12:42

granny I'm sorry for your situation, but the OP has already said that he isn't her carer. And, in any case,Roomster is bowing out because it's upsetting her (I'm not surprised).

Everyone is entitled to leave a relationship at anytime. People fall out of love. People change. But there are ways and means. I think it is low as a snake's belly to pin his leaving on the OP, especially as she can do nothing about it. I suspect he has picked it because there's nothing she can do about it so it shuts down conversations he would rather not have. FWIW, I don't think he's telling the truth here and even if he is, surely it would've been a whole lot kinder to say something like "I'm unhappy, we've grown apart etc"

for you OP

BorrowedHeart · 06/03/2017 13:10

It's awful, and I'd be very upset in your shoes. I can see his point though, if he wants to do all these things that you can't do then how can you be together if you will never be near eachother, I don't think him using your mobility issues as an excuse I think that's him being honest in that that's what's making it hard for him to stay. Sometimes no matter how painful, you just have to accept someone's reasons for wanting to end things because it may sound unjust to you but completely justified to them and they can't help the way they feel. I haven't rtft btw.

grannytomine · 06/03/2017 13:26

Batsegundo, but would it be fair to make her think it is something she can change if it isn't. I'd rather know where I stand. I have no idea if he has another woman but marriages do break up without other people being involved. On here it is always the first thing that is said, "He has another woman." and it is said as a fact not a perhaps or a maybe.

BatSegundo · 06/03/2017 14:57

granny no, of course not. No need to make it about the OP at all. He has changed, he doesn't feel the same. I'm not suggesting there's an OW. I've no idea (and nor has anyone else). Relationships end without there being an OW/OM (though hang around the Relationships board too long and it's no wonder people get cynical with the number of threads that start "he's leaving, there's no-one else" and two pages in "I've found a phone..."). I just think he's gone about it in a shitty way and feel cross on behalf of the OP.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 06/03/2017 15:02

Please don't beg him not to leave again. don't lower yourself.
Leave him go. you might feel like you're the loser but you're not. You're actually well rid.
You need to check your entitlements. he can't just leave you high and dry financially.

grannytomine · 06/03/2017 18:47

BatSegundo the trouble is we have a very short statement of what he said, OP admits she was crying and begging so did he open up by saying it or did he say it after alot of upset and crying and begging and said something he hadn't planned to say. It isn't great but people calling him a coward and so on isn't really fair either.

BatSegundo · 06/03/2017 20:19

I guess we only ever hear one side of the story. Whatever he may or may not have said, that's what the OP has taken from it and so that's what people respond to.

OP I hope you are getting some real-life support this evening. To some extent, it doesn't matter why he's leaving. It sounds like he has made up his mind. It will take a while to catch up to this so be kind to yourself.

scaryteacher · 06/03/2017 20:40

Borrowedheart I can see his point though, if he wants to do all these things that you can't do then how can you be together if you will never be near each other What happens if you have completely different hobbies though, or one has a career that takes them away for months on end? I have no interest in either of my dh's sports; he goes and does them, and I do my own thing. That doesn't mean he will decide to leave me because I don't want to tog myself up in sailing gear and charge around the ocean on a racing yacht for example.

His excuse is bollocks. Lots of couples have completely different interests and stay together.

Runningissimple · 06/03/2017 21:32

I think granny's post is very wise. I was ignominiously dumped after kids and 20 years but what really hurt was my ex's inability to treat me (or the kids) with compasssion, kindness and decency in the split.

I think I am reconciled to the idea that the relationship had run its course even though it was hard to accept at first (there was an OW in my case but that's because he's too needy to go it alone - I don't like her but our relationship was already broken iyswim). What's been unforgivable is how horrible he was to me and the kids when we were all so bereft. It was like being ambushed and then slugged again and again. The moment of separation is brutal and that's unavoidable but you can manage the aftermath with compassion and kindness.

BorrowedHeart · 06/03/2017 21:35

It's up to op partner wether her mobility is an issue for him or not, and it is. There is nothing more to it, she can't change his mind and he isn't selfish or a bad person. You can't force people to be together if it doesn't work.

Runningissimple · 06/03/2017 21:41

I think op's husband is a selfish prick btw. I just think that you can't force someone to stay against their will. He can mitigate his self-absorption by behaving with generosity with the settlement (and I suspect that looking after the mother of his kids financially is in his own best interests) but in case he doesn't, op, lawyer up and prepare to be assertive. You'd be better off with someone who wants to look after you but you're probably better off without Mr Mid-life gap year...

Runningissimple · 06/03/2017 21:43

If he's leaving his wife of 25 years and mother of his children because she's ill and cramping his style, he's pretty selfish and shallow. Isn't that almost the definition of selfish and shallow? Good riddance op

Runningissimple · 06/03/2017 21:47

Cancer's a drag, so's dementia. Maybe a car accident? A child with disabilities? That wasn't on the bucket list... Cut and run folks! Those mountains won't climb themselves...

It's not selfish, it's just a different perspective.

Jaysus!

grannytomine · 07/03/2017 10:43

It is sad that carer's are dismissed the way they have been on this thread. I've done it for 25 years and had a 10 day old baby and 2 year old when it started so I certainly didn't cut and run but I do understand that not everyone can do that. Not polishing my halo, I made my choice and have no regrets but we aren't all the same. I don't see how all the abuse is going to help OP, it would make me feel worse.

BorrowedHeart · 07/03/2017 11:17

I'm a cater for my daughter, it shouldn't be this strenuous in the future though. Even I have thought about ending it all just to get away from the stress, or wishing at my lowest points that I could walk away, I haven't and things are getting better. It's hard and I can see why people can't cope, let the man leave no point staying and you both being miserable.

Runningissimple · 07/03/2017 11:22

I'm going to stop posting because I'm finding this thread quite triggering but I found people acknowledging the wrongs that had been done to me when my ex left, helpful. The platitudes of "there's always two sides" really enraged me. There are always two sides but sometimes the wrongs done by one party, considerably outweigh the wrongs done by the other. Part of being able to forgive and move on from injustice is having those injustices heard and acknowledged.

Good luck op. Stay strong. Stand your ground financially.

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